Darkness dawns at the dawn of dawn -
I stand and yawn upon my lawn;
It's the same for each and every morn',
For, new suns are but barely born.
It's the same each day and night -
All people feel that they are right;
As nothing rules but chaos and might,
While I drool and fool by flying a kite.
I walk out and I see worn faces -
Tired of stopping adoring races;
Fired by different indifferent paces;
Hired by mindbending impending cases.
I walk to the café and I see -
Lovers drinking coffee and some tea;
Loners who're boners on phones wee;
And people eavesdropping on bumblebees.
I got to the candy shop and I find -
Some kids who have been entwined
By some new flavour one-of-a-kind;
And parents who've almost lost their minds.
I come back to my couch and I sit
And suddenly my love came for a meet,
We sang and we're quite good at the beat -
She seemed to have forced me out of my pit
Then I thought again and then came the thought,
"I shouldn't really think about a lot,"
"But, without a mattress, what good is a cot?"
"You don't always get what you had sought."
As light evens the uneven evening,
I cling at me being my own king
And keep my love above every other thing
For, life has just a simple meaning.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Hi! I'm here for a quick review.
First off, I really like the whole idea behind the poem. It describes a typical day in life, while giving a deeper meaning behind it.
I like how you've tried to keep a consistent AAAA rhyme scheme. Though it doesn't perfectly come in each line, it's still very commendable
I like your word choice; how you keep it simple and funny, yet give a deep message.
In the first line, I get that you're going for alliteration, but I didn't understand how darkness dawns at dawn. Shouldn't it be the light that dawns?
Still, I love the homographs.
I found that the rhythm was a little inconsistent in a few places. You could read it out loud, to get that right.
Overall, this poem was a great one. The lilting tone and relatable theme make it even better.
Keep Writing!
Thanks for the review! :p
The first line is actually the narrator's perspective of how the day would look like. Although it is indeed light that actually dawns, for the narrator, it's darkness for it is again the same boring and bad day for him.
Ohh I get it now...
Come to think of it, the contrasting imagery was actually amazing.
Hi Delirium Nervosa here to leave a review on your poem.
Firstly, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece. I found the rhythm slightly uneven, however, I was completely enthralled in every word you wrote. The absolute rawness and truth in this piece is something not many writers these days can achieve. So a very well deserved congratulations on this.
Secondly, when you wrote "I got the candy shop and I find-" it should be either "I got to the candy shop and I find-" or "I get to the candy shop and I find-". That is the only literary advice I have for you.
This piece was philosophical and made me stop for a minute and truly embrace the power and meaning behind your words. I have begun reflecting and evaluating, all thanks to your incredible piece of writing.
Keep it up. I look forward to reading more from you in the future.
-Delirium Nervosa
Thanks for the review! And yes, it was a typo in that line. Thanks for pointing that out! :p
HAHHAHA
Nice.
Hey i am Shayna Basu and here is my review!!!
Firstly the theme, core and topic of your convincing poem -the exact perspective of life is very eccentric and distinctive which truly makes your poem stand out in the crowd with its own dazzle
After having read many philosophical and literary poems on life you have successfully impressed me with your ideas ,thoughts, narration and imagination . I firmly believe our perspective on life must always be kept simple as possible as by complicating ,we tend to always fall into a dark endless pit with no escape. You have described a typical day of a persons life and how dissimilar people around him are viewing and leading their lives .....
This emphasizes on the fact that human mind is the prism of perspective, dispersing various distinctive outlooks on life of different people .Hence your title of the poem is aptly chosen considering the theme of the poem
Your poem teaches and inspires us to view the world with simple intentions and how the health of our thoughts determine our view on worldly things
""As light evens the uneven evening,
I cling at me being my own king
And keep my love above every other thing
For, life has just a simple meaning.""
This is my favourite stanza of them poem as it directly deals with what the entire poem has to offer us
overall keep it up as your are indeed a promising and talented writer
good luck!!!
Thank you so much, Shayna! :p