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The Last Night of Summer

by TheRebel2007

This, this would be the last
Night Summer won't be past;
After this would come rain,
That will wash streets and lanes.

I look up and I see
Clouds hiding the moon's glee,
While stars pepper around
Lakes of the sleeping town.

Frogs' croaks and peacock's dance
Wait for the winds' advance;
As the birds fly in rows,
Plucked are the last mangoes.

In the deserts and the hills,
Gathering clouds give a chill
In the dunes and mountains
Life smiles, as leaves their bane.

While I, on my balcony,
Listen to the Harmony
Of the Seasons' Symphony,
Writing down miscellany. 

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1224 Reviews

Points: 146924
Reviews: 1224

Sat Jun 18, 2022 4:19 pm
alliyah wrote a review...

Hey Rebel!
This is a really nice summery poem that really gives a sense of setting & environment. I also don't see very many rhyming poems on YWS so that was an enjoyable change. Your word choice is great, the images you use aren't just generic summery things, but you really made each image shine.

Small critique -> any reason you chose to capitalize "harmony" & "symphony" in the last stanza? that seemed a little random to me.

There's also something a little strange about the line "in the dunes and mountains / Life smiles, as leaves their bane" I'm wondering if maybe a word is missing there or maybe even the wrong "their". Not quite sure!

My favorite section was probably the second stanza "stars pepper around" is an excellent phrase! and I also like the contrast in the third stanza between the full rows of birds and the plucked-empty mango trees. The poem seems brimming with life - which is the sort of vibe I got from the piece.

Overall, a lovely summery read, thanks for writing and sharing!

~ alliyah

TheRebel2007 says...

Thanks for the review, alliyah! Harmony and Symphony where capitalized to give pressure to those words, and yes, that line might seem slightly strange because I tweaked that line a bit from the original when I posted it here, sorry for that. Thanks again!

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185 Reviews

Points: 13187
Reviews: 185

Thu Jun 09, 2022 8:33 pm
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FireEyes wrote a review...

Hello TheRebel2007! Incoming review!

I have reviewed a few Winter poems before, but I don't think I have reviewed one about Summer. I liked it, it was fun. With that said, let's get on with the review!

I'll start with critique. The poem is overall lovely but I couldn't help but feel the rhyming and syllables weren't working to your advantage. It doesn't feel a fluid as it could have been. I feel like you're trying to cram a larger idea in too few of words.

Frogs' croaks and peacock's dance
Wait for the winds' advance;
Plucked are the last mangoes,
As the birds fly in rows.
This stanza, for example, feels like it wants to break out from the limited words you're using with such a strict syllable count. If you were to let the words flow a little bit more, it would convey more whimsey and have that last-few-moments-of-summer feel. Don't feel like you need to have rules in poetry. If they make it easier for you, great, just make sure they don't hinder the poem either.

One other thing I would like to point out is how every line is capitalized. Auto-capitalization can make a poem look slightly amateur. One thing I do to avoid this is by thinking of my poem in prose, or regular writing. If the sentence continues where the line break would be, I don't capitalize. In short, it makes it look like you know what you're doing. I think it would be good to implement in this poem because you use very proper grammar and more advanced punctuation like with the semicolons.

The last thing is with these line:
Listen to the Harmony
Of the Seasons' Symphony,
Do "harmony" and "symphony" need to be capitalized? These aren't proper nouns and I don't think they are referring to a specific thing that would be capitalized like a book or a concert hall.

Okay, I'm done with critique, now time to praise your work!
In the dunes and mountains
Life smiles, as leaves their bane.
I like how the rhyme here is less obvious. It reminds me of how Eminem can rhyme with orange and says the words that wouldn't otherwise rhyme with orange in a way that works. I like how you personify life by making it smile.

I like the consistency in the length of your lines. When I started out with poetry, I didn't understand the way consistency in poetry affected the poem. You have a good thing going on, but don't forget to have fun!

The vocabulary you use is also wonderful. Miscellany, bane, glee, and pepper are all words I would have never thought to use in a poem of my own. I usually focus on story telling but word choice is just as important and you did a spectacular job.

But that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of it useful! I loved reading your poem and I hope you continue to share your writing with the YWS community. Anyway byeeeeeeeeeeeee

TheRebel2007 says...

Thank you FireEyes for the review!

The third stanza that you mention, yes, I did think that that sounded a bit off. I just edited it and interchanged the third and fourth lines, and now it sounds much better. And about capitalization, I am simply following the convention of poetry by capitalizing the first letter of every line, as I do not think poetry to be prose. I might not capitalize the first letter of every line in vers libre but in regular poetry, I see no reason not to. And about Harmony and Symphony, the first letters of the words are capitalized to highlight the word, or to divert attention to the intended meaning of it. Similar things are done by many poets, and I decided to do it too.

Thanks again, for the review and the praise :p

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7 Reviews

Points: 893
Reviews: 7

Tue Jun 07, 2022 10:42 pm
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fructose wrote a review...

I really liked this poem. The way you describe everything so peaceful and warm reminds me of the way summer nights feel, so there is nothing wrong with the way you make the setting come to life that I've noticed. I think that's what made the poem so lovely; the way you illustrate the scene with little details and observations. The only thing I would really suggest about this is maybe think about adding descriptions based off of what the speaker is feeling, like smells, the way the wind blows through their hair or makes them chilly, or even describing how something they ate might taste to them. Either way, the tone you set in your writing is amazing and really makes the reader feel like they're experiencing what's written.

Something about the rhyming seems somewhat forced, but definitely not terrible. I enjoyed the first stanza a lot. In the second stanza, the line, "While stars pepper around" (7), seems slightly off and doesn't allow the following line be as fluid as it can be. I love the imagery you put in this line, but I do think that maybe adding one or two more syllables in it may have let the verse play out nicer in the reader's head. This, along with lines like, "Wait for the winds' advance;" (10), and "As the birds fly in rows," (12), seem to disallow the reader to fluently read the thoughts as they had for others. Despite this, you did incredible work on the first and fourth stanza of this poem. I really admire your way to make an AABB rhyme pattern so appealing. In the last stanza though, you do seem to switch into an AAAA rhyme scheme, which admittedly threw me off, maybe not for others as much as myself.

This could be a common mistake, but I noticed a few errors in the third stanza of your poem. In the verse, "Frogs' croaks and peacock's dance" (9), the apostrophes seem out of place. Separately, frogs' croaks and a peacock's dance work, however combining them in this way doesn't necessarily work. Instead, you could say,
-"Frogs croak and peacocks dance," if you want to suggest peacocks dancing and frogs croaking
-"A frog's croak and a peacock's dance," if you want to suggest a singular frog's croak and a singular peacock's dance
-"Frogs' croaks and peacocks' dances," if you want to suggest a multiple frogs' croaks and a singular peacocks' dance. This to me gives more personality to the idea than "Frogs croak and peacocks dance".
Similarly, in the line following it is written as, "Wait for the winds' advance;" (10), when grammatically, it should be something comparable to, "Wait for the wind's advance;", since the wind is singular. This would be true unless this is a stylistic choice, adding multiple personalities to something like the wind.

Please correct me if I'm wrong on any of this, and we can learn from each other!! I hoped this helped, but remember that your writing is amazing as it is, and that everything I mentioned was just a suggestion. Take care!!

TheRebel2007 says...

Hey there fructose, thanks for the review!

I don't know why the rhyming feels forced to you, each line of the entire poem has six syllables, except for the first and second lines of the fourth stanza. So, well, I don't know why lines like "While stars pepper around" might feel forced, they are merely instances of Summer and night.

Secondly, "croaks" and "dance", in this case, are both taken as nouns. And in "peacock's dance", both the nouns have been taken as singular nouns, as "peacocks' dances" would not rhyme with "winds' advance".
And, in "Frogs' croaks" refers to the croaks of several frogs. About "winds' advance", in India, monsoon is heralded by the coming of the Southerly winds, the "winds", in this case, refer to the monsoon wind, not any wind in particular, and therefore, as it is a singular idea, it has a singular verb. So, I do not feel any problem with the position of apostrophes.

Anyway, thanks for the review! :p

fructose says...

thanks for correcting me!! Sorry if not everything in the review was super helpful, just some suggestions : ))

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455 Reviews

Points: 22098
Reviews: 455

Tue Jun 07, 2022 7:12 pm
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Hijinks says...

Hi there Rebel!! I really enjoyed all the lovely personification you use in this poem - the gleeful moon, the sleeping town, life smiling, etc., it all adds such a fun and playful mood to the poem. I adored the imagery in the second stanza, particularly; I'm a big fan of both celestial and water related imagery, so the combination of the two in "While stars pepper around / Lakes of the sleeping town" makes my heart happy :') Another thing I liked was the rhyming scheme. For the most part it feels quite natural, and it complements the fun mood perfectly. Keep up lovely work!

TheRebel2007 says...

Thanks for the review, Seirre! :p

Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true.
— Robert Brault