The spears of time barge upon you
And lashes onto you too
As you swim and wail in rain and hail
But never turn around.
The world is lazy, it does not do
What it needn't need to do.
So why are we, all shy and wee,
Afraid of what surrounds?
Catering every deed and need to put weeds
From the smallest seeds -
We rush around in all-hush sounds
To make the most of what is bound.
I say, I am too tired and bored and
Weary of counting every sand
That does amass in my hourglass
To bury me in the mound.
So I laugh and play all night and day,
Not caring whatever They say -
I refuse to defuse my profuse amuse
For all the barking fallacious hounds.
We all but live all but to die,
So remember both in your low and high,
Live while you can, die when you can't
For not forever is sour - the peacock's sound.
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139,751 Literary Works • 672,695 Reviews
Hello fellow writer! Ley here to write a tortoise-y review on this amazing work you've published! This is a new review style that I'm using only for the month of June, in spirit of the Great Tortoise Race! Let's get started, 'shell' we? xD
Shell Start: This was a very interesting poem! It's a great take on societies expectations, and I love the ultimate message you provided for us here. I found that this poem promotes authenticity and the beauty in being yourself, regardless of what others think! Let's get into some details.
Favorite Leaf:
This is the stanza I'm talking about! Embracing joy and playfulness, and not allowing yourself to conform to social expectations. Love this stanza!
Another amazing line! I honestly wish I could put this in the YWS quote gen XD Love the message.
Shell Fractures:
I couldn't find any suggestions to improve this piece, as I already think it's a wonderful poem! Poetry, personally, is hard for me to critique because it comes from the heart and is sometimes personal to us writers <3
Overall: This was a wonderful take on not conforming to societies expectations; just be yourself! I love reading poems with a positive ending, so I'm glad you shared this with us. I can't wait to read more of your writing in the future! <3
Thank you for taking the time to read this review! I hope to see you join the race, and keep being awesome! Happy Writing~
Thanks for the review, Ley! Also, I am already a part of Team Tortoise! :p
Hey! I know I am super late on this one~ But I was going through old pieces and when I was reading it, I thought I would drop a review as well... First of all this is very well written. When I got to the middle/end it reminded me more of a rap than a poem, in a good way. A few quick things I wanted to point out, the line
I don't think it is grammatically correct to but need(n't) twice... I could be wrong on that, but even when I was reading it out loud, I stumbled a bit on the line. But I also get how you are trying to connect it to the line above it, but to me it broke the flow~My favorite stanza was I liked the way you described the sand in an hourglass. It reminded me of a song I heard once (I forget the name) But it said something like "you have more pieces of me than the desert has sand." Anyway, the way you described everything in this stanza was just beautiful to think about~
Also, the line the T is caps when it shouldn't. Minor mistake though... Overall, I like the flow and structure, how each word seems to connect with the rest of the poem~
Keep writing (and pay attention in class 😆)
KaeRae~
Thanks for the review, KaeRae! I am pretty sure poetic license allows me to use "needn't need", I remember reading it in Shakespeare's works a couple of times - also, it is indeed grammatically correct. And the "T" in the line that you mentioned is not a typo, it's intentional - it is to personify and anthropomorphize the feeling and what it means by "they". Anyway, thanks again! :p
Beautiful poem! Perfectly captured the abstract and endless flow of time with many great analogies that build a gorgeous, vivid image. Nicely done ^^
Thanks for the compliment, Raven! :p