Hello Rebel,
Your poem is concise and deliberate in its wording, delivering a very clear image and message. It is crafted with a chisel and seems almost to be built from marble, so strong is your word choice. Well done!
I do recommend you revamp some of the punctuation. The flow is sporadic at times, almost clunky, and redoing the punctuation would improve it in some areas.
Long sleeps the Bard of Liberty,
The world awaits its liberation;
While the dejected and those in poverty
Mourn in the slums, in starvation.
Here, it doesn't make much sense, as far as punctuation goes. I would recommend the following changes.
Long sleeps the Bard of Liberty!
The world awaits its liberation,
while the dejected and those in poverty
mourn in the slums, in starvation.
It improves the flow. Read through the poem out loud. If the punctuation agrees with how you are reading it, it is probably good. If not, alter it to suit your preferred metric.
He sings and hounds the tyrannous,
He sings and bounds through the universe.
Here I have a critique of your word choice, the only one I could find in the entire work. I don't like the use of the word tyrannous, it brought me out of it and threw me in a loop.
All in all, a highly enjoyable read. I hope to see more from you!
Christus Rex Est,
Pickled Chrissy
Points: 2816
Reviews: 125
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