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The Bard of Liberty

by TheRebel2007


Long sleeps the Bard of Liberty,
The world awaits its liberation;
While the dejected and those in poverty
Mourn in the slums, in starvation.

Come forward the righteous Bard,
The forebearer of Liberty’s vanguard
And enlighten the human race
And embrace the broken, scarred.

Wherefrom comes the Bard, ho?
From the depths of the human sea,
From the heights of the highest plateau,
From the hubbubs of tranquility,

From the darkest and deepest gorge,
From the hottest and harshest forge,
From the shabbiest and shallowest hut,
From the doors that have never been shut.

Whatsoever does the Bard, yea?
He sings and declares Liberty,
He sings and guides to the forward way,
He sings and dances and heralds the Day,

He sings and prances on the shore,
He sings and punches through the core,
He sings and hounds the tyrannous,
He sings and bounds through the universe.

So, well, whosoever is the Bard?
He is anyone who decides to be,
He is everyone who wants to be,
He is someone who wants to be free.

He is the one who who’ll fight for Liberty,
He is the one who will die for Liberty,
When he is gone, come back again will he,
For he is she and you and us and we.


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125 Reviews

Points: 2816
Reviews: 125

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Sun Apr 30, 2023 11:23 pm
PickledChrissy says...



Hello Rebel,

Your poem is concise and deliberate in its wording, delivering a very clear image and message. It is crafted with a chisel and seems almost to be built from marble, so strong is your word choice. Well done!

I do recommend you revamp some of the punctuation. The flow is sporadic at times, almost clunky, and redoing the punctuation would improve it in some areas.

Long sleeps the Bard of Liberty,
The world awaits its liberation;
While the dejected and those in poverty
Mourn in the slums, in starvation.


Here, it doesn't make much sense, as far as punctuation goes. I would recommend the following changes.

Long sleeps the Bard of Liberty!
The world awaits its liberation,
while the dejected and those in poverty
mourn in the slums, in starvation.


It improves the flow. Read through the poem out loud. If the punctuation agrees with how you are reading it, it is probably good. If not, alter it to suit your preferred metric.

He sings and hounds the tyrannous,
He sings and bounds through the universe.


Here I have a critique of your word choice, the only one I could find in the entire work. I don't like the use of the word tyrannous, it brought me out of it and threw me in a loop.

All in all, a highly enjoyable read. I hope to see more from you!

Christus Rex Est,

Pickled Chrissy




User avatar
125 Reviews

Points: 2816
Reviews: 125

Donate
Sun Apr 30, 2023 11:23 pm
PickledChrissy wrote a review...



Hello Rebel,

Your poem is concise and deliberate in its wording, delivering a very clear image and message. It is crafted with a chisel and seems almost to be built from marble, so strong is your word choice. Well done!

I do recommend you revamp some of the punctuation. The flow is sporadic at times, almost clunky, and redoing the punctuation would improve it in some areas.

Long sleeps the Bard of Liberty,
The world awaits its liberation;
While the dejected and those in poverty
Mourn in the slums, in starvation.


Here, it doesn't make much sense, as far as punctuation goes. I would recommend the following changes.

Long sleeps the Bard of Liberty!
The world awaits its liberation,
while the dejected and those in poverty
mourn in the slums, in starvation.


It improves the flow. Read through the poem out loud. If the punctuation agrees with how you are reading it, it is probably good. If not, alter it to suit your preferred metric.

He sings and hounds the tyrannous,
He sings and bounds through the universe.


Here I have a critique of your word choice, the only one I could find in the entire work. I don't like the use of the word tyrannous, it brought me out of it and threw me in a loop.

All in all, a highly enjoyable read. I hope to see more from you!

Christus Rex Est,

Pickled Chrissy




User avatar
17 Reviews

Points: 49
Reviews: 17

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Sun Apr 30, 2023 7:29 am
HB1103 wrote a review...



Hey there! Here's my (slightly late) review!

Your poem is very well-crafted and conveys a clear message with some very strong imagery.

The poem has a clear message about the importance of liberty and the role of a bard in advocating for it.

The use of repetition in the last stanza emphasizes that the Bard is not just one person but rather a collective of those who are willing to fight for liberty. The use of vivid imagery in the second stanza, with phrases like "depths of the human sea" and "heights of the highest plateau," adds to the poem's impact and helps the reader to visualize the Bard's origins with the Bard being described as coming from all corners of the world, and possessing the ability to sing and fight for freedom.

Additionally, the poem has a consistent rhyme scheme and rhythm, making it enjoyable to read aloud.


Now, for improvements:

One improvement could be to work on the flow of the poem. The rhyme scheme is inconsistent and there are several awkward phrases that disrupt the overall rhythm. For example, the phrase "From the hubbubs of tranquility" feels contradictory and doesn't flow well.

Another suggestion would be to add more vivid and descriptive language to help bring the message of the poem to life. The poem touches on themes of poverty, oppression, and freedom, but the imagery used is fairly generic and doesn't paint a clear picture of the emotions and experiences of those affected by these issues.

Lastly, I think it would be helpful to expand on the idea of who the Bard is and what motivates them to fight for liberty. The poem suggests that anyone can be a Bard, but it doesn't go into detail about what drives them to take up this cause. Adding some more personal anecdotes or examples could help to make the poem more relatable and engaging.

Overall, with these improvements, your poem can be even better!

- HB





Morning without you is a dwindled dawn.
— Emily Dickenson