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E - Everyone

Whatever

by TheRebel2007


As I write these words upon this paper,
A voice inside me urges to waiver
The burden of burdens that don't lay on me -
To all the eyes of all of humanity.

As I write down these small emotions of mine;
As I stand upon and not look at the Rhine
Nor do I look upon the roads that lead to Rome -
As I stand and watch the stars outside my home.

The clouds outside do besmirch the scene,
But surely, they can't hide the Palatine -
The beauty of the midnight sky, the moon,
As it outshines the Saharan sand dunes.

What my little longings doth leider know not -
What pleasure I get for not giving it a shot
Whatever, says it, as I wonder
What's there that remains that's left to be pondered.


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Sun Aug 29, 2021 6:26 pm
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mordax wrote a review...



Hey there, Mordax here with a review!

I loved the rhymes you incorporated through this poem. It was very satisfying to read as well as created a good flow. You also used a lot of older-fashioned diction which I thought fit perfectly with the tone and overall flow you constructed. Let's start from the top, though, shall we...

I really loved the first two lines of your first stanza, for it felt very relatable. I saw it as this feeling that the words you wish to convey in poetry are battling the logic of mind, how these emotions are not quite worthy in the scope of the world. The second stanza was likely my favorite, however, for you really accomplish this tone of dreams yet the hard truth of reality. It leaves the reader feeling a bit lost along with the narrator, a detail I love.

My only critique is on diction in the last stanza:

What my little longings doth leider know not -
What pleasure I get for not giving it a shot

You use sophisticated, subdued diction throughout this poem, giving this mystical, intelligent tone that matches with the reality vs. dreams view you are portraying. However, the word "shot" disrupts a lot of this flow, sounding far harsher, more modern, and overall unfit for the tone you have constructed. My suggestion is to change that word to "go", then switch "not" and "know" in the above line so you keep the rhyme scheme. Though, you can reword it however.

Overall, great poem! I would say I'm surprised you wrote it late at night due to its sophistication, but I always write best with sleep deprivation, lol. It must be a universal thing.

Keep writing!

Mordax




TheRebel2007 says...


First of all, thanks for the review!

And, really, are the words of this poem too old-fashioned? Lol, I didn't even realize that (perhaps because I was sleepy lol). And, yeah, I actually thought of the first two lines of the first stanza when I was writing it. I just included that small harsh tone to wake up myself (and perhaps the reader too who might be subjugated by sleepiness while reading this poem). Again, thanks for the review! :p



mordax says...


Not too old-fashioned at all! I actually really loved the wording because it wasn't the standard dialect we use to speak, and given it's poetry, makes complete sense.



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Sun Aug 29, 2021 5:05 pm
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Heyy!! Forever here with a review!

"Midnight thoughts" is pretty good good to topic to write on and especially when one can't sleep for the thoughts in their mind. Let's get right into it. And I am gonna review it considering the fact that you wrote it in midnight.
Clarity:It felt like a lot of scattered thoughts in your brain written into a single poem. However, that isn't bad. It did a good job representing the condition of the brain of a person when they are trying to sleep but can't. Insomnia is a pretry troubling situation...
Flow:

As I write down these small emotions of mine;
As I stand upon and not look at the Rhine
Nor do I look upon the roads that lead of Rome -
As I stand and watch the stars outside my home

Seems like you wanna visit Europe. Anyway, I don't know but these lines kind of seems to be rhymed forcefully and also, they don't convey a very good meaning, at least to me. Well, it does convey a hint that you are maybe dreaming about looking at Rhine and the roads that lead to Rome and suddenly the truth dawned upon you that you will not be able to go there for some reason (maybe corona). Still, I think that you should find an alternative. Hereare some words that rhyme with mine and here are some that rhymes with home. You can frame two new lines out of that.
As for the last two stanzas, the last two lines of each doesn't perfectly rhyme(or putting s and keeping things in past tense also considered perfect rhymes? Who knows)

Apart from this, I quite like the flow. The best part of the flow was the last line of the 2nd Stanza and the 1st line of the 3rd stanza. I really like how they connect the stanzas with one another.

Imagery or figurative language:
The burden of burdens that don't lay on me -
To all the eyes of all of humanity.

Creativity at its peak. I really like these two lines. Good alliteration and is that figure of speech where you repeat two words called anaphora? I don't know but that sounds great.
Emotion:A lot of emotions in the poem. The poem ends on a strong note that the person is becoming sleepy and is not thinking a lot as thoughts slowly say "goodbye, sleep now" to the person. :D
Wow, I am not finding anything to write here. I near about described about the emotions in the other points.


Overall, you do have some "big" thoughts in the midnight. 😶 And it took my one hour to do the review!

Keep Writing!!

~Forever




TheRebel2007 says...


Thanks for the review!

And for the Europe stuff, yeah, those were scattered thoughts - and I was literally half-asleep, I just wrote down whatever came to mind and thought it was good enough to be included. Thanks again. :p




Between living and dreaming there is a third thing. Guess it.
— Antonio Machado