Heya Rebel,
I hope you're well! First and foremost, welcome to YWS! I really hope that you're enjoying your time on the site, and I'm glad to see that you've already jumped in and started posting some of your work. If you have any questions about the site, feel free to ask me or anyone else with a green username! Now that that's out of the way, let's jump in to the review...
I think your poem could benefit from using fewer atypical words. In several cases I had to google the word to be certain that I know for sure what it means, and in some cases it seems like you used synonyms back to back (like amiable and amicability are essentially the same word/meaning, so I wasn't sure why you used both -- same goes for sober somberness). Having three alliterations in the first two lines of each stanza feels a tiny bit forced, and I'd be interested to know what led to your choice to use it.
For that reason, I overall liked the last two lines from most of the stanzas better than the forced alliteration.
Tell me, should I have done something else than to question the ambiguity of time?
I like this line in particular. I like the question that you pose to the reader and the feel of the phrase 'ambiguity of time' -- since that really calls into question what time is at all. I can't name the emotion it elicits in me, but I enjoy it.
And there’s no necessity for All to be true for One to start anew.
I also really liked this line. It has a certain depth to it, while simplistic at the same time. Really well done here~
So “move on” doesn’t make quite sense as memories too, do bow;
For this line, I suggest you invert "make" and "quite" for a better flow, so that it reads "doesn't quite make sense" rather than how you currently have it as "doesn't make quite sense"
~
Overall, nice poem! I think the alliteration could be softened a bit so that it doesn't come across as so forced, but there were several qualities of this poem that I quite like, and I'm glad that you shared it with us ^-^
Keep writing!
~Shady
Points: 3380
Reviews: 938
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