I woke up to see ‘side my bed,
The open windows and the barren sky,
When the Sun’s sunshine suddenly led
To my half-stained bottle standing nigh.
Its translucence tantalised me,
As I stared at it with my squinted eyes,
The tempered plastic obscured the tree
That had long been forlorn by the skies.
Sure, I could go all Edgar Allan Poe
About my white half-filled plastic bottle -
But my haunting, daunting, and wonting’d show
Nought but a pinch of dark, ravenous throttle.
As I wake up at the crossroads of Gone and To Be,
I wonder, wandering wantonly, wobbling freely,
And a glimmer of fake glass grants me a gait of glee -
As I become cognoscente, once again, of all of reality.
The flabbergasting, floral form of free vines winding
Around the semi-filled, semi-vacant albus water container
Reminds me of tendrils of plasma that have been binding
The cells, the body, the galaxies and the universe - forever.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Hi, I'm don't think I'm brilliant at reviews but I'm going to try
Please feel free to ignore any of my feedback if it's not useful.
I love the lyrical feeling of this poem! Your rhyming is consistent, but feels easy and not like the words are forced at all. I also thought the almost tongue-twister-like descriptions, especially using alliteration were really compelling.
Your imagery and descriptions are really effective, I especially love the last stanza talking about 'tendrils of plasma' - honestly beautifully described!
i also love (and i don't know if this was intentional or not) that the line length increases with each stanza and when you look back the overall structure looks kind of like the top of a bottle. Really clever!
One thing that confused me was when you say 'my white half-filled plastic bottle', as you have previously described it as translucent. However this just be me misunderstanding!!
Overall a really thoughtful poem, with impressive imagery.
My favourite part:
"As I wake up at the crossroads of Gone and To Be,
I wonder, wandering wantonly, wobbling freely,"
I just love how you talk about the past and the future here!
I hope this was in some way useful
Thank you for trusting us with your work. Xx
Thanks for the review! Yes, I could and should have been more clear with the "white" thing. As you can see, the tendrils around my bottle are white in colour, so I was referring to that when I wrote white. My mistake.
I thought this poem was super clever. It did a great job combining complex and flowery language with a bit of a tongue-and-cheek concept overall - glorifying something like a water bottle on a windowsill.
This stanza (and the poem as a whole, since the "humanness of observation" seems to be a main theme here) feels very human. Even an everyday, mundane sight like a water bottle can cause one's mind to wander and observe things that we overlook in new ways, like a tree being warped by the shaped plastic of a water bottle. Your use of alliteration in the first line, and also throughout the rest of the piece makes for a fun read that definitely lends to the lyrical nature of this poem.
I can almost hear how this poem might be read out loud; the structure really lends itself to being told orally. This comes from the fact that the flow of the piece is really well put together.
My favorite part:
I love these last few lines - they really pull everything together, and show the speaker as being in this sort of half-awake state where their mind is really wandering, and the imagery is just beautiful. Seriously, I feel like I'm right there with that water bottle. I even have a water bottle of my own that always sits next to my bed, and I never move it because I take comfort in its familiarity, just like the speaker does in this poem. The fact that I, myself, a passive reader, can relate so intimately with this work is proof of the connection poems about the human experience can have with others.
Amazing piece. Keep writing!!
- berrie
Thank you so much for the review, berrie! I am glad you liked my poem! :p