Hello, Rebel2007! I am not an expert on poetry as I am mainly a writer and not much of a poet, but I will try to give whatever I can. That's the same with the genre, as I'm not a big romance reader. That being said, I really loved this poem.
However, there's a few things that I wanted to unpack, and some places I found here where you could do with a little improvement. But, before I get to those pesky little criticisms of mine, let's discuss what makes me love your love poem!
I wanted to let you know that you are a masterful user of allegories, and you've really shone at putting things through images other than what it is — it is a very hard skill to master poetically, and you've did pretty well at that, so great job.
Also, as a romance poem, this piece excels. I think, any piece of fiction that claims to be "romance" should make you feel the love for somebody else's lover, i.e. whoever our main character's love interest, or our poet's love interest is. And the character is not innately good, bad or beautiful, its what the reader makes of it. And, I must say, this enigmatic person whom you love so dearly (or the fictional character you wrote this song about) has made me want to know them, love them (but, hey, it's platonic 'cause its your lover). So, I think that's a strength of this poem.
To put it in brief — you do a stellar job at storytelling and conveying raw emotion. It is something that I associate with the best of artists, such as GRAMMY-winning multiplatinum superstar and my personal favorite Taylor Swift and the teenage pop sensation Olivia Rodrigo.
That is not to say this poem does not have technical merit. For instance, you nailed it with the rhyming, and it flows pretty naturally when you sing it (except for maybe the last stanza, which was a bit off with the middle part) and I feel like you deserve a lot of praise for being so young and so good at expressing your thoughts while still rhyming it pretty well.
Now, there's some areas you can work on and make this poem better.
Firstly, I would like this to be a song rather than a poem. I think, that in trying to be a bit more poetic, you drown it out a bit, and a song could work well. Either ways, I feel you can add in a bit more repetition. This also makes it easier to sing, and a bit more catchy. My recommendation to make it a song comes from a fact that a structure of chorus and verse can help you with getting that repetition done without drowning the emotion.
From a storytelling perspective, while you do a lot, decluttering might help a little when you try and make this a song. Try to give context and focus on the personal aspects of the song. You do this very well in a poem, but it can be a case of too much information if you make this a song.
My second advise would be — unless you are trying to do a period piece and giving it that historical vibe, refrain from using "tis" and "thee" that much. I think it sounds a bit awkward, and it makes it sound artificial. I totally understand if its a historical-based song, but, I will say that you can use simpler, more colloquial-sounding language to make it a better piece.
If you need somebody to sing a sample, get other people onboard or just need general advice, HMU.
That being said, I enjoy your work and I am definitely following you! Do remember to take the parts of the review useful to you and discard the rest!
Thank you 
Points: 166
Reviews: 32
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