The sand of today drips into tomorrow,
The winds of yesterday bash into today;
Look at what we borrow, both joy and sorrow --
From spent time that had been washed away.
All years of yore would taper and bore
If not afflicted by the present or feelings past;
Look at what we store, both elegy and encore --
From rigid time that had lifted its mast.
Our fears and dreams, our tears and screams,
Would have all been invisible to time, and yet...
Look at what we deem, both reasons and means --
From hollow time that carries no silhouette.
Colours and smells all merge into one,
As we sprinkle in meanings that weren't and were;
Look at what we won, both incomplete and done --
From veiled time that is stirred forever.
No senses, no dimensions, no meanings, no lies --
All we give form to with nostalgia's dyes;
Look at what we prize, both foolish and wise --
From engraved time under cruelty's guise.
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As someone who tends to struggle with rhymes, great job on the rhyme scheme! It is quite an interesting take that you bring to the table that it isn't time that is cruel. Memories are. Time is simply neutral, but our experiences have the ability to enchant us or haunt us. I believe my most favorite part of the entire poem is the last stanza, because it clearly summarizes the poem like a pretty bow on a gift. Indeed, some people are too caught up with the past that they are trapped by it. Whether it is the golden days of their youth or the deepest regrets that never leave them, people sometimes prize their memories so much that it saps teh energy from them. I also love how the poem is complex enough that you understand the gist from the first read but find more things to understand on the second. Overall, great job!
Thanks for the compliments, dude! I am really glad that my poem resonated with you and conveyed its meaning clearly, despite it being vaguely abstract.
Hey there, Rebel!
First off, all caps, FANTASTIC rhyme scheme! LOVE "yet" and "silhouette," and LOVE the internal rhymes, too. It's such a satisfying reading experience and flows together so nicely. That's without getting into the excellent imagery. If this poem had no meaning to it at all, it would still be a great read. That it does makes it a brilliant one.
I do think my favorite stanza has to be the first one, especially the first two ones,
"drips into tomorrow," hint at the idea that the consequences of our actions aren't always obvious in the moment, or that they build up overtime, like sand in an hourglass; "bash into today" has an almost violent connotation. It emphasizes how heavily our present is shaped by our past. It's a really solid hook.
Though I, again, adore the internal rhyme scheme here, this line,
could be strengthened if it was juxtaposing something. "Fears," "tears," and "screams" all have negative connotations, and though "dreams" could go either way, to me it leaned more positive, and therefore felt out of place. Like it needed a more hopeful buddy to be paired with or set against.
It's a minor thing, but I also felt "were" and "forever" were noticeably weaker rhymes than the ones that surround them. It's not too much of a disruption to the flow of the piece, but for me it was definitely there.
Though the first two lines are my favorite of the piece, this line,
might give them a run for their money. It paints such a vivid, dare I say colorful image in my head. I love it, no notes.
As I've by now established, this poem is awesome. It captures that feeling of nostalgia so clearly, describes the way we alter our own memories so beautifully. It's poetry, man.
Thanks for sharing, and have a great day!
I am not sure about the dissonance between 'were' and 'forever', as when I read it out loud myself it sounds good enough, maybe it's an accent thing on my part? Not sure.
Also yeah, the theme of my poem was that time itself is not cruel, it just keeps flowing -- it is us who dip our paintbrushes into the river of causality to paint happy and sad pictures.
Thanks for the review, Horisun! :p