Across Worlds - Chapter 9

by Noelle

Published May 24, 2014

In Novel - Across Worlds (finished)

Falyn

“Wait,” she called out after him. Zeke paused mid step, but didn’t turn. “I didn’t mean to do that.” He didn’t respond. Instead he just stood there, hands in his pockets, not moving.

Falyn’s heart pounded as she waited for him to respond. He couldn’t just ignore her like that. She knew that he had heard her.

“Well say something,” she said finally. Zeke turned to face her, a smile dancing across his lips.

“You’re too sensitive, you know that?”

She groaned. “Shut up! It’s about time we got back don’t you think?” She stalked past him and headed back to the clearing. It didn’t matter if Zeke was following her or not. She wished that he hadn’t followed him at all.

“Are you read to believe me about Akia yet?”

“Of course not!” Falyn was getting tire of him asking. Why was he so bent on her thinking bad about Akia?

“Why not?”

“Because you and Akia hate each other,” Falyn snapped. “Why would I believe that anything bad you say about her is true?”

Zeke shrugged. “Fair enough. But seriously, think about it. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“Why are you here if you hate Akia so much,” she asked. “Why not just leave? It’s not like you need to protect me.” Something flickered in his eyes, but it soon disappeared.

“I need to get to Lightport, same as the rest of you. And trust me, it’s easier to get past the guards in a group then alone. You guys are my safe passage. Just deal with me until we get there; then I’ll be gone from your lives. Trust me.

“But in the meantime,” he said in a more friendly tone. “Be careful around Akia, okay? Think about what I said. She’s not the person you think she is.”

With that, he walked passed her and made his way towards the clearing. Falyn watched him go until he disappeared completely.

“What the hell just happened?” She wondered out loud. Since when had Zeke cared about her? Sure he told her about what Akia had done in her past, whether it was true or not, but that was the first time that he had really talked to her. But there was that one time back at Sam’s house when he helped her across the room. And then just a few minutes ago when he forgave her for slapping him.

Thinking about it made her head hurt. Why did Zeke have to be such a confusing person? Was he being nice to her or just acting like it?

For a split second, she thought about trusting him. He was trying so hard to be on her good side. Why would he want to be close to her if he wasn’t to be trusted?

But then she thought back to his arguments with Akia. It seemed that every time they talked they argued. There hadn’t been one thing that they had agreed on since they started. Falyn might not have known Akia for long, but she was more trustworthy than Zeke. At least she had a reason for them all to be together. If Zeke was in charge they’d probably end up going in circles and never reach their destination.

Falyn sighed as she heard someone call her name. They must’ve been ready to leave. Kicking the dirt as she went, she headed back to the clearing. Sure she wanted to keep going, but that would mean seeing Zeke again. And he’d probably have that stupid grin on his face again.

When she was almost to the clearing, she heard a twig snap to her right. She froze and turned ever so slightly. But all she saw was empty woods, silent as ever.

Even as she looked, she could feel the hair on the back of her neck stand up. She searched the woods, refusing to believe that it was just her imagination.

And then she saw the eyes.

Legs shaking, she took a few cautious steps backwards. She knew that the eyes didn’t belong to any animal. That was obvious. They were too big and too humanlike.

Throwing caution to the wind, she turned and ran. If she was lucky, she could make it to the clearing and warn the others. But that was only if whoever was out there didn’t follow her.

She snuck a look behind her. The woods were as silent as ever; no one in sight. Maybe she really had imagined it. Perhaps she was all alone.

Suddenly she ran into something and tumbled back onto the ground. Looking up, she saw a man standing in front of her. He looked just like the man who had attacked her at her house; exactly like him. She was sure that it was him.

Before she could react, someone stuffed a rugged sack over her head. She flailed, trying to push it off, but she had no luck. There was a sudden, intense pain in the back of her head and she blacked out.

When she regained consciousness, all she could think was déjà vu. Her head was pounding and her body ached. She had no idea where she was since everything was dark. Remembering the sack, she reached up and pulled it off of her head and looked around.

She most definitely wasn’t in the woods anymore. Instead, she was in a small room. It had wooden walls and a single light hanging from the ceiling. There was an ominous feel to the room and she felt less than comfortable being there.

She got up and rushed to the door. She tugged at the doorknob, but it wouldn’t budge. She tried again and again. Nothing worked.

“You could waste all your time trying to escape, but that would just delay your death.”

Falyn turned to face the deep voice from behind her. It belonged to a man who looked to be no older than twenty. He had short black hair and dangerous, piercing green eyes. The clothes he wore were nearly skin tight and were completely black. There was a purple stripe on his jacket, one that looked like a sash.

She couldn’t help but feel terrified as he stared down at her. His eyes seemed to dig into her soul, pulling out all of her secrets. It wasn’t like she had anything to hide, but she surely didn’t want him to know anything about her.

“Who are you?”

The man smirked. “Trust me, you don’t want to know.”

Falyn stared at him intently. There was something slightly familiar about his look and the way that he stood. But she couldn’t figure it out.

“Now I’m going to ask you a few questions,” the man said. “And if you don’t answer truthfully, well, you don’t want to know what I’m going to do.

“First question. Why were you in the woods this morning?”

“I,” Falyn hesitated. She didn’t know much about what was going on and why she was so special, but she knew that she shouldn’t tell anyone about it. “I was going for a walk. You know, just to clear my mind.”

“Clear your mind?” the man looked at her curiously, like he didn’t believe her.

“Yes, I had a rough morning,” she said as convincingly as she could. “I needed time to just be by myself.”

The man shook his head and flexed his fingers. She twitched in pain and fell to the ground. It was like nothing she had felt before. Her muscles seemed to be on fire and her body contorted uncontrollably. Each time she moved, the pain got worse.

But just as the pain started, it stopped. She lay on the floor taking deep breaths. Her muscles slowly relaxed.

“Let’s try this again,” the man said. “Why were you in the woods this morning?”

“I told you, I was taking a walk.”

The man flexed his fingers again and pain set through her body. She grit her teeth, trying to withstand the pain. If she could just ignore it maybe it would go away. But it was only getting worse. Finally she cried out in pain, a loud, high pitched scream.

The pain subsided shortly after that. There was barely any energy left in her body. Unlike the last time, her body wasn’t able to expel the pain as easily. It still lingered in her muscles.

The man snapped his fingers and chains appeared around Falyn’s wrists and fastened themselves to the ground. She couldn’t move; she was trapped. Not that she wanted to move. There was still too much pain lingering.

“I warned you that there was a consequence for lying.” the man said. Falyn wondered how he could be so mean yet have such a silky smooth voice. It wasn’t fair.

He squatted in front of her so they were at eye level. She held his gaze, determined to not let her pain show.

“I know who you are, Falyn Imara Perez. And I know why they need you. But just know that you won’t succeed. My warriors left hours ago to scope out your friends in the forest. They won’t make it very far. Your adventure will be squashed before it can begin.”

“What is it you want?” she managed to choke out.

“It’s nothing I want,” the man said as he stood and headed for the door. “It’s who I want. And you’re gonna help me make sure that she doesn’t get away.”

Falyn wrinkled her eyebrows. “You kidnapped me to be bait?”

The man turned to face her and smirked. “That’s right.” Rage built up inside of her. She yanked against the chains, but they refused to budge.

“You should be honored,” the man said, chuckling. “I don’t bother with people that can’t help me. And you are the most important piece of the puzzle.” With that, he turned on his heel and walked out of the room.

Falyn just stared at the closed door. She couldn’t quite comprehend what had just happened. She had been kidnapped, brought to some room and had been tortured. All so the man, whoever he was, could reveal his plan to her.

How is that even good strategy? She thought to herself. Surely he could’ve worked a bit harder at getting the truth out of her and not revealing his plan. Not that she would’ve given him the answers.

Her body slowly started to return to normal. The pain still lingered in her muscles, but it was nothing like the pain she was in before. If anything, it was soothing; a great reminder that the pain was over.

Now all she could do was sit there and think of a way to escape. There had to be something she could use to get out of the shackles. A bobby pin; was she wearing one? Maybe she could bend the metal and slip it out of the holder.

But even if she could get out of the room, where would she go from there? She didn’t even know where she was. Would she turn up in the woods? Would she be anywhere near the river? She had to be able to find her way around. Getting lost wouldn’t be a particularly good thing.

She finally gave up on finding a way out. There wouldn’t be much of a chance of her getting anywhere unless she had a plausible plan. And right now she couldn’t come up with one. All she could do was sit and hope for a miracle, a rescue of some sort.

Just as she was beginning to imagine certain scenarios, the door to the room flew open.

Comments & reviews · 7
User avatar
AdmiralKat
Review
AdmiralKat wrote a review Review · Mar 2, 2015

Hello, Noelle! KatyaElefant here for another review! Let us see what you have written this time in this wonderful novel right here.(I'm jazzing up my intro here :D)

She wished that he hadn’t followed him at all.

Who is she? Who is he? Who is him? You need to use more names! I am very confused on who is who! I need some help with idea of who is who because there are so many characters in this current scene.

“Are you read to believe me about Akia yet?”

Did you mean ready?

“Of course not!” Falyn was getting tire of him asking.

Katya was getting tired of correctly typing errors but she decided to correct this sentence by saying that it should be tire but tired.

I must say that this chapter is lacking in grammar. You have your usually problems with the buts and ands but you also had typing errors(some that I didn't mention). Other than that, I think that this chapter is pretty well written.

WHO IS THIS PERSON IN THE ROOM? Is this Zeke? ZEKE??? ARE YOU THERE? HAVE YOU COME TO SAVE US? Did the door just happen to open because they are bad at closing doors? I need some explanations now! (or I can jsut read the next chapter...GOSH DARN IT) This novel should be titled Everybody hates Zeke instead of Across Worlds. I mean so far everyone is just yelling at Zeke :P Also, I would like to see how the other characters are doing. Are they captured at this point or is that person who kidnapped Falyn just bluffing?

Keep Calm and Keep Writing
(searches frantically for squiggly mark)
~KatyaElefant

Zeke is the best. *nods*

Everybody Hates Zeke!

Noelle replied · Mar 2, 2015

Zeeeeeke <3

I'm guessing Zeke is a good character then...

Noelle replied · Mar 2, 2015

He could be. Or he could be my favorite villain. You just never know. :3

User avatar
Evander
Review
Evander wrote a review Review · Oct 15, 2014

Hey, Noelle. Raven here for a review! Well, look at that; I'm back within a reasonable amount of time! So, let me see what you have done to torture your characters in this chapter...

I'm with Fay on this one, why is he so set on making her think Akia is bad? That's so odd... Does he have a past with Akia, making him think bad of her? Or is Zeke just - I have nothing besides my first thought on this. Although, I hope he doesn't succeed in his attempts. That would cause a lot of confli- WAIT A MINUTE. IS THAT YOUR PLAN?

Psh, if what I think is true. They'll never be rid of Zeke. NEVER. Okay, forgive me. I'm on sugar right now. #IShipZekeAndFalyn even though I'm not sure they're an actual ship.
I'm just not sure if I can continue shipping them because how he is acting... *glares over in the character's direction* I also still agree with Fay, he is a very confusing person.

NO, someone did not just take her... I am now a little scared for her health, safety, and ya know, LIFE. Is this what you were talking about in the 'I wanted them to have different paths' thing?

Falyn wondered how he could be so mean yet have such a silky smooth voice. It wasn't fair.

Yes, it's not fair. However, you are in pain and and chained to the ground. Now is not the time to be thinking about the unfairness of his voice. Love the somewhat humour thingy, though. Made me laugh.

Who does he want? ...I'm guessing either Akia or Sam? More likely Akia though. She has a scarier past. (Well, a more scarier past them most of the characters that have been shown. Like, this Phillip guy I've heard of might have an even worst past.)

Ohh, referencing the ol' bobby pin trick we see in the movies, eh? ...CLIFFHANGER. Why? *cries in corner* Okay. As always, I love the story and reeaaally hope that you don't drop of out TLMS!

~Rae,

User avatar
TimmyJake
Review
TimmyJake wrote a review Review · Sep 24, 2014

Timmy here!

This will be a small review, because I am hard pressed for time, and because there isn't much to say, but I will try to get in as much as possible before I high-tail it out of here.

Ready?

I thought this chapter was done quite well, especially the conversation with Falyn and Zeke. Now that I read it, I am given the "Whaaaaaa?" impression. I am not sure what to think about him anymore. In the other chapters, I wasn't completely sure, I admit? I thought he was a good guy because his actions imply he was, and because he was generally nice to everyone - except Akia. Like he said, they are always fighting. Anywho, in this chapter, I am not sure what to think about him. He seems to be with them for one reason: And I, erm, don't know what that reason is. He does, but isn't filling the rest of them in. Okay, he has given them the basic outline. Get to whatchamacallit place, and the best way is to go with them. I get it. Okay. But once he gets there, I wonder if he is just going to leave them and go his separate way - his protectors not needed anymore - or is he going to stick around and deal with the existence of Akia.

Something tells me there is more between those two than just petty arguments. What Zeke says about Akia - that she killed her father and stuff - is pretty shocking, but still doesn't give Zeke a very big reason to hate her, unless he and her father were best friends or something. I don't' know. It just seems as though there has been a lot of arguing going on, and not a lot of explanations for it. I am with Falyn. Why do they hate each other so much? I understand that it really builds up the suspense and all, but we have been knowing about their detestation for a long while now, and it seems to be getting a bit old when each chapter tells the same story over and over with the feuding, never having answers. I hope to see answers in the next few chapters. ^.^

She wished that he hadn’t followed him at all.


that is a superfluous word and isn't needed there. Read it with it, and read without. No difference, except sentence is tighter.

here if you hate Akia so much,” she


You need a question mark instead of the comma there. ;)

wondered out loud.


I think out-loud is supposed to be hyphenated?

She knew that the eyes didn’t belong


take that out again. Add nothing but more letters. :)

She was sure that it was him.


Refer to above nitpick. ^.^

Falyn Imara Perez.


Such a beautiful name. I love it so much. I will never call her simply Falyn again. FALYN IMARA PEREZ FOREVERRRRRR.

So the part with the guy was very well done, and his character is very striking, and everything about him is the kind of thing that makes people less macho than me (hee-hee) shudder. I thought the part with his flexing very good, especially since it was such a careless gesture as a flex of a finger. Nothing, really. A tiny gesture, but one that calls upon so, so much pain. Very good job with the pain, too. Gave me an image of how she felt when that happened, and I love how while your description doesn't overwhelm the page, it does always give us exactly what we need to see, and almost always in such perfect vividness - yet without describing forever. So yay for that. ^.^

I don't know what else to say... Falyn is coming along very well. Zeke is coming along really well, and I can really see his personality now - not his motives as much, but I am sure that will come as we progress further. Akia is now the biggest puzzle for me, and I look forward to the next chapters when the questions will be answered for me... hopefully.

Although Falyn is kind of having a difficult time right now, so I may have to sit tight until she busts out of there. I'll be at the next chapter soon! Thanks for being patient with me. Sometimes I take a while.
~Darth Timmyjake

User avatar
PeanutPhoebe
Review
PeanutPhoebe wrote a review Review · May 30, 2014

Hey! Sorry it's taken me so long to review this. So, I love the new character. I mean, I hate him, because he IS a villain, (right?) but I love the way you've written him. Your character development is awesome! It keeps telling us more, but doesn't tell us everything at once; it leaves us wondering a bit. Especially about Zeke. I can't make up my mind whether he's good or bad!! Anyway... I didn't really notice any grammar errors in this chapter, and your formatting was perfect (as usual). That's the boring technical stuff. In this chapter, I did notice that there are a lot of sentences/paragraphs that are just sort of wordy or awkward. You'll repeat something that a character did after they talked, when you already said it before their dialogue, and that makes it confusing. My suggestion for this chapter would be to just tone it down a bit, you're too wordy. But I'm loving the plot line! You're keeping us guessing! Keep writing!

User avatar
Holysocks
Review
Holysocks wrote a review Review · May 29, 2014

Hello Noelle! I'm here at last!!! XP

This was a very interesting chapter. Torture eh? Fun. This new character, who's introduced as a villain, is doing a pretty good job! He doesn't seem that much different from any other bad guy, but we'll give him time. *strokes beard*

Now, OK:

He couldn't just ignore her like that. She knew that he had heard her.


Why can't he? She just slapped him?! I think he can take his time to answer her! Wouldn't you?

He was trying so hard to be on her good side.


No he's not. He's been mocking her, and making fun of her. If Zeke's trying to get on her good side, than he better smarten up a bit.

Why would he want to be close to her if he wasn't to be trusted?


I think you are contradicting yourself a lot in this chapter. Hence the above quotes.^^ And it's also a bit confusing... Of course if Zeke's not to be trusted he'd "want" to be close to her! Villains do it all the time. It's called back stabbing. :-P

Just thought I'd let you know that there's quite a few typos in this chapter. My advice to you is to read through this chapter again, and I think you will get most of them. I you'd like I can point out some, but I don't think there's much need for that. You'll get them easily enough yourself.

So, your characters have been jumping around a whole bunch. If you think about it, there hasn't really been a place that is like a 'main base' so to speak. It's just kind of wrenching for someone to be reading and then- all of a sudden we're in a new spot. Scrap all the scenery, we're moving! I know it's kind of a tricky story that way, because it is a quest. But maybe have someplace where they can take refuge in- for more than a day.
Only my thoughts though. :-D

If anything, it was soothing; a great reminder that the pain was over.


I know that feeling well. It's beautiful! Great job on the description, I could relate well.

Lastly, I think your plot is coming along fairly good, and I'm looking forward to reading your next chapter... which is out already! XD

Keep up the awesomeness!!!

-Socks

User avatar
alliyah
Review
alliyah wrote a review Review · May 25, 2014

I haven't read the other chapters yet, so this review will be mostly on the writing itself as opposed to the plot.

The first thing I notice is there's a lot of unnessecary words. The first paragraph, for example, is:
"“Wait,” she called out after him. Zeke paused mid step, but didn’t turn. “I didn’t mean to do that.” He didn’t respond. Instead he just stood there, hands in his pockets, not moving."
and in this you could probably cut out the 'after him', I would say either he paused midstep or he paused but didn't turn, it feels a bit bulky with both. You could probably say 'I didn't mean that' and take out the to do, and you really don't need the 'not moving' at the end of the paragraph because you've already said he 'just stood there'. As I kept reading, there seemed less to take out, especially during the dialogue, but there still were a few unnessecary and repetitive words that it would be better to take out. A lot of famous writers say they usually try to cut their novels by 20% as they're reading through them, so don't be worried about cutting to much. It doesn't mean you're a bad writer if you find yourself making a lot of changes and taking a lot out, it just means you're a good reviser.

Dialogue, besides a few repetitive places, is definitely your strong place; really good job here. It's so hard to make it sound natural and for the most part, yours is pretty spot on and I applaud you for that. *Applauds*

A bit more specific:
"“What the hell just happened?” She wondered out loud" Honestly, I've never seen someone wonder aloud in real life, and though sometimes I talk to myself (when I'm driving usually), I personally think it's strang when people wonder out loud in stories. That might be a personal preference, but I'll mention it anyway just in case it's not.

"Why would he want to be close to her if he wasn’t to be trusted?" Again, maybe it's just me, but this sentence seems slightly illogical.

"Suddenly she ran into something and tumbled back onto the ground." Did she run into something or did something run into her? It seems from the rest of the paragraph like something ran into her.

I really, really like your names, they're all really cool, so good job with that.

I feel like I've been a bit harsh in this review, but that's only because I think this piece is good and think it could be really good if you edited it a bit more. Keep on writing and hope this review helped.
-alliyah

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review Review · May 25, 2014

Hey there Noelle!

Happy Review Day! It's always good to see another chapter of this coming out as well :)

I really hope the door opening is going to be her rescue. It seems like Falyn is having a difficult time understanding what Zeke wants, and I think you show that confusion brilliantly with all her thoughts and questions she can't stop asking herself as well. I also thought the kidnap was an interesting twist to the story. It seems like everyone is after her, huh? The purple sash probably is the logo or the symbol of a group as well. I have a feeling we are going to be seeing a lot of them throughout the story... Ooh the suspense...

“Of course not!” Falyn was getting tire of him asking.


I think you mean 'tired' here.

but that would mean seeing Zeke again. And he’d probably have that stupid grin on his face again.


You mention again twice in two sentences close to each other. I would simply cut the 'again' from the second one, seeing as it isn't really necessary.

When she was almost to the clearing


I think the 'to' should be 'at'. Or you could say 'when she had almost reached the clearing.'

The woods were as silent as ever; no one in sight.


Nothing wrong with the sentence itself, but previously you used the same simile a few sentences earlier as well. I advise you change this one to something different.

“You could waste all your time trying to escape, but that would just delay your death.”


Which meant that if she continually tries escaping her death will come later and later? I think it would be more effective if you used something like, but that wouldn't help you escape, or but it's just a matter of time until your death. That way no matter what she does, it gives the implication she will never be free, and she will die pretty soon. That sounds threatening enough to me xD I wanted to know a bit more as to how she feels hearing this? She is trapped in a room and although she is steadfast on trying to find any way to escape, it would be nice to see a moment where she doubts herself and thinks, what if I die here and never see my friends again? It would be an interesting thing to add to the mix!

The man flexed his fingers again and pain set through her body. She grit her teeth, trying to withstand the pain. If she could just ignore it maybe it would go away. But it was only getting worse. Finally she cried out in pain, a loud, high pitched scream.

The pain subsided shortly after that. There was barely any energy left in her body. Unlike the last time, her body wasn’t able to expel the pain as easily.


I apologise for pulling such a big bit from the chapter (I don't like doing it either) but I thought it would be easier this way to see how many times you use the word 'pain' here. And it doesn't end here! It appears a few more times in the following two or three paragraphs as well. I think it might be time to pull out a thesaurus or look up some synonyms as well. The agony, the suffering, torment, torture... and so on! Just to mix up the vocabulary a bit more and it doesn't seem to repetitive.

The pain still lingered in her muscles, but it was nothing like the pain she was in before. If anything, it was soothing; a great reminder that the pain was over.


This happens a while down into the chapter, but you have pain three times in two sentences. Like before, it's time to pull out some synonyms... You gotta love 'em <3

But really, apart from those few points there isn't anything more for me to say! The pacing is good, the personalities of the characters shine through and you describe everything in good detail. All I can say is, keep up the brilliant writing ^.^

Deanie x



All hail the mighty Glow Cloud.
— Welcome to Night Vale