Falyn wanted to do more, to learn how to do everything possible. Producing fire would be just the beginning. There was so much that she had to learn before their fight with Rhys.
She froze. The fight. It was morning and Rhys wasn’t there yet. This was the time that Aidan had said that Rhys would attack. Yet nothing had happened this morning. She hadn’t been thinking about it until just then and wasn’t sure what to think. Aidan seemed so honest when he had talked to her earlier. She wasn’t ready to believe that he had been lying.
“Hey Zeke,” she started. “Do you think Phillip knows what he’s doing?”
“What brings this up?” He didn’t even look back at her. He just started rummaging through chests that Falyn hadn’t noticed before.
“Well I was just thinking… what are you looking for?”
“Something for you to set on fire,” he responded. “I’m not about to let you test out your skills on me.”
“Right.” She said, not sure where to go next. “Um, well, I’ve been thinking about this whole thing lately. You know, with Rhys and everything. It seems like we’re just waiting here for him to come to us. Why not take the fight to him?”
“Phillip isn’t an aggressive person.”
“And who put him in charge?”
“Kit Noyes. Akia’s father. Kit was supposed to come here and take over, but he Rhys got to him first.”
“So was Kit the ruler of Vertfay?”
Zeke straightened and turned to face her. “Far from it. But everyone looked up to him and wanted to see him lead. There wasn’t much that that man couldn’t, and wouldn’t, do to get what he wanted. It made him a lot of enemies.” His eyes darkened for a moment, but cleared up quickly. It bothered Falyn, but she quickly pushed it aside.
“We need to take the fight to Rhys. We’ve been waiting around too long and nothing’s getting better.”
Zeke laughed and shook his head. “You haven’t even been here a week. How do you know what’s been going on?”
“I know enough,” Falyn huffed. “And are we putting off this fight to save me or because we’re scared?” She expected him to be surprised that she knew, but his response was anything but. His face fell and he diverted his gaze.
“Who told you?”
“My mother,” she responded curtly. “She though that someone had told me already. Sounds like she knows nothing about you people.”
Zeke was silent, his eyes searching the ground. Falyn wished that she knew what he was thinking. Was he figuring out a way to twist the story and convince her that everything was okay? Was there even more that he was hiding from her? She didn’t like the silence.
Finally he looked up. “Everyone has just been trying to protect you. Everything we’ve done has been for you. The future is set. You will fight with us and Rhys will kill you. There’s no escaping that.”
Falyn’s heart pounded. “Akia said that the future can be changed.”
“Akia is living a lie,” Zeke snapped. “She thinks her life is perfect and that she has everything under control. Just because her magic is a bit stronger than everyone else’s doesn’t mean she’s our grand savior. The world doesn’t revolve around her and it sure as hell doesn’t change for her either.
“Do you remember back to one of those first days we were all together? I tried to warn you about Akia. She’s always been the type of person to go around parading such a perfect life. But it’s all a charade. She’s the reason her father’s dead.”
“You told me that she killed her father. That’s not what happened at all.”
“It is. The only reason Rhys killed Kit was because Akia was there. Had she not come back to save her father, Rhys would’ve kept him alive.”
Falyn’s face was burning. She glared at Zeke. “That’s not the same thing. And I thought you two had a rapport. You don’t get along but you put up with each other.”
Zeke let out a laugh dripping with sarcasm. “Yes, can’t you just tell how well we get along? Akia and I tolerate each other. We have our differences and a lot of them are her fault. You think you know her. Everything thinks they know her. But you’re all wrong. In reality, she’s just like her father. She’ll do anything to get what she wants. Including sacrificing you.”
Falyn’s mouth hung open. She didn’t want to believe anything that Zeke was saying, but he hadn’t given her a reason not to believe him. He had no reason to lie to her. True he wasn’t the best team player, but he didn’t want to sabotage whatever it was they were working towards. Lightport was his home. There was no way that he would even think of bringing it down. And he didn’t want to push her away, even though that was exactly what he was doing.
“I can’t take this conversation anymore,” she said quietly. “You were supposed to be teaching me how to use my magic. This has turned out to be one giant mistake. I’m sorry.” She started toward the door. Before she could even take two steps, Zeke reached out and grabbed her hand.
She didn’t want to stop. She didn’t want to turn and face him. Every inch of her body was screaming at her to escape his grasp and storm out. But even the simplicity of his touch kept her from running. She didn’t want to leave. She didn’t want to remember this shouting match. So she turned.
Zeke was looking down at her with a soft expression. Every bit of intensity had vanished from his face. It was almost as if the conversation had never happened. She wanted to freeze that moment forever, to hold onto it during every moment that would follow.
The door to the training room burst open. Falyn turned and stared in confusion. George was standing in the threshold, holding Mina’s arm tight behind her back. A mixture of sweat and tears covered her face. She was out of breath and looked more disappointed than anything.
“Falyn, I came as quick as I could,” she said breathlessly. “I had to warn you—"
“Shut up,” George snapped, twisting her arm. She cried out, but he paid no attention to it. “She almost ruined everything, Zeke. I don’t know how she figured it out. But I was able to stop her.”
“Aidan told me.” Mina said, looking directly at Falyn. “He told me everything. He told me to tell you that he’s sorry he ever left you. It was a stupid move.”
“Damn right it was,” George growled. “Now you’re stuck here with us and your little sister. And we know that Aidan is behind this. I told you to keep an eye on him.” The last part he directed at Zeke who only shrugged.
“In the end Aidan was going to do what he thought best for himself. It’s not our problem that he failed to see the potential of our plan.” The sincerity and kindness left Zeke’s face in a matter of seconds. His expression perfectly matched his harsh tone.
Falyn backed up toward the wall. “I don’t like any of this. I trusted you, Zeke! I was the only one who did! And now you’re going to tell me that you’ve been working against us the entire time?”
He only laughed. “You were wrong to ever trust me. Akia got it right, but you didn’t want to believe her. Imagine just how easy it was for me to gain your trust. There you were, scared, confused, not knowing which way was up. All I had to do was plant some ideas in your head and convince you that I was the one to follow. Now you’re here right where Rhys wants you. If only you had listened to Akia. Then maybe you wouldn’t be in this mess.”
“Akia, Akia, Akia, that’s the only person you talk about! You make it seem like the two of you hate each other, but really I think you respect her. All of your lies are piling on top of one another. If you would just admit to the truth, then maybe things could go differently!” Falyn snapped. She had no idea what she was doing, but she was going to try everything to fight against this.
Zeke’s face hardened. “You don’t know anything. You’re not even a part of this. Akia dragged you into this because she didn’t want to face me all by herself.”
“Face you? What are you even talking about?” Falyn didn’t even need an answer to her question. It was right in front of her. She watched with horror as Zeke’s face began to change. The soft complexion that she had come to know hardened and the bones became more apparent. His darkened to a sharp green as his hair turned the deep shade of night. By the time she had figured out what was happening, he had already begun to shrink.
“I’m surprised not even the great Akia Noyes figured this one out,” he sneered as everything set into place. “I expected more from her.”
“Rhys,” Falyn breathed, not wanting the realization to be right. He had been there with them every step of the way. He had disguised himself as a boy from Lightport, one that everyone knew. She had spent time with him, not even stopping to consider why he knew certain things. It was all an act. And now he knew everything about them.
He stared at her, daring her to say something. When she stayed silent, he turned to George. “Lock them up. We’ve got to get working on this plan of yours. And you better hope it works.”
“Oh, it will.” George responded. He reached up and placed a hand on Mina’s head. Before she could even question what was happening, her eyes rolled back and she crumbled to the ground.
Falyn cried out. “She’s not dead, is she?”
“Of course not,” George responded. “She’ll wake up soon. It’s a cool trick us seers learned years ago. Not only can we see things, but we can manipulate someone’s brain. Of course, it’s not something that’s condoned. But there’s nothing they can stop me from doing here.”
He started towards her, but she got her feet under her and ran over to the window. The training room was three stories up so she didn’t know what she had been planning, but any option was better than getting caught by George. She had to find a way to warn everyone. Aidan was right about Rhys attacking. He just didn’t know that Rhys had been here all along.
Falyn closed her eyes, focusing on the glass. If she could move air around a box, she could move it through the cracks of glass too and control it on her descent to the ground. It was a simple solution, but one that she knew would take much longer than she had. But she had to try.
Before anything could happen, she froze. Her eyes were glued shut no matter how hard she tried to pry them open. She still felt the steady beating of her heart and the breath coming in and out of her body. At least she was still alive.
“Don’t waste any more time,” Rhys said from behind her. “The others will catch on soon. We can’t have them finding us or the girls.”
“Yes Sir.” George replied. Falyn’s heart pounded as she felt his hand on her head. She wasn’t going to like any of this.
------------------------
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
oh dear.
You are amazing. And I say that in the most upset, frustrated and angry manner possible. I mean, I don't know if I've ever been fooled this perfectly - this easily, sucked into the character and the romance of Falyn and Zeke... only to discover now that it was all a mask for Rhys. Zeke is really Rhys. Woah.
*breathes*
Zeke is really Rhys Zeke is really Rhys Zeke is really Rhys Zeke is really Rhys
Seriously, though, this was the best plot twist I may have ever read. And while I may not be the most voracious reader, that's still saying something. This was incredible. And so evull. I LOVE IT.
I'm going to spend a moment now rambling about something I've talked to you about before - passive voice. It can be quite useful at certain moments, and I see a few places you used it to full potential in this chapter, but most places it sticks out and hinders the flow of the piece. I'll show you a spot.
So there's one of the places I noticed where I think you could've used active voice and had the piece do much better with it. So it would've flowed nicer if was screaming was simply screamed, and you'd have tighter writing that way, too.
So, um, what is the matter with Falyn? Allow me to paint a little picture for you, okay? Imagine you here. You are basically in love with this guy, or close to it, and you've spent the whole day with him now and he's taught you a lot about magic - but then he changes into your most hated enemy. What would your reaction be? All Falyn can seem to think of is how he managed to trick them, and that doesn't seem to be a very good emotion at all. Doesn't seem to be what she'd be feeling, especially because it's not much of a feeling, really. Work on that part. You can make it into so much more than it is now, I think. c: All it needs a bit of editing and expansion, and it'll be just as ahmazing as the rest of the chapter.
His... what darkened? Either you have a typo there or simply forgot something. :p
You do this quite a bit in your writing (like me. xd), and while it's an easy fix, sometimes it takes a while before you get good at avoiding them. See the sentence above? Remove that. In this context, it's just superfluous and has no point at all. Read the sentence with it. Now read without. Is there any difference besides a missing word in the second? None. When I edit, I must remove dozens of those per chapter, and I think it'd be a good idea for you to do the same. Read the sentence once with and a second without it, then make your verdict. I've found it useless most of the time it's there.
You've had so many amazing reviewers before me, there's like nothing else for me to say! I'm left with being the last one to find the measly nitpicks someone else most likely already found. xd But there weren't many, anyway. Even though you say this was a rubbish chapter of yours you spewed out to keep you in the challenge, you're so, so wrong! It was a really good chapter, and held your biggest plot twist and really the biggest example of your brilliance. I'm still shocked and upset because of that. >< And not sure if I'm going to strangle you now, or wait until the next chapters to see what happens.
~Darth Timmyjake
Noooooo, Zeke betrayed us ALL!!!! D:
Sorry this is also quite short. :/
I was actually beginning to wonder if you had changed your mind about Zeke being a traitor. Which I was kind of getting used to, and then- BAM. There goes the carpet. x__x
Dang it, I really was getting comfortable with the idea of Zeke being good.
This is mostly I stylistic preference, but I can see it catching people up when reading it. Having the 'dot dot dot' (that's the technical term >.>) right before she asked something new can make it kind of confusing because the one sentence cuts off and runs into the next? But I think it can be fixed simply by either capitalizing 'what' or using by using a dash instead of the dots. But once again it's your choice. ^_^
Oh goodness, now I'm thinking; Falyn should have totally gone for Sam after all! D: Poor Sam. Poor Falyn. Poor light-side of Zeke's heart. ;-;
Keep it up Noelle! <3
-Socks
Hey again!
I feel like now is a way too late reaction to Falyn realizing that it's the day of the big fight. *le gasp* and she's unprepared! To be perfectly honest, I don't feel like you incorporated it very well. It sounded like it was underrated, and she didn't even tell anyone? (Granted, she was frustrated with the world, but the least she could do was think about it.) It would feel much more realistically added if it where earlier, perhaps when Zeke whisked her away before (and she expressed her worry and he was all, "I'm Zeke.
Hurr durr. I'll protect you." Traitor.)Sorry, but I have to be picky for a little bit (no one else did it for me xD):
You got a small case of repetition, but the worst of all. Adverbs. Change it up a little. Make it a little more dramatic with Falyn's suspicion rising, as what he might say, knowing the two don't get along.
Sorry to pull out quite the large chunk, but I've got some things to say about this. First off, this feels like quite the weak and delayed reaction. It might've worked out well if if bad been in between Rhys' -- no, Zeke's big spiel, because it would've given us a short break before he continues. And this just doesn't feel right. After all that she's just going to gasp and 'not want to believe it'? Not even be slightly angry?
Does Falyn have no common sense? I mean, really. She realized that Zeke and Akia do not like each other, so doesn't she think this may be spurred by emotion? Is Falyn really that naive? Like Deanie said, maybe even take it with a grain of salt, because she has even a little more common sense than that to know that Zeke may be swayed by his emotions.
Final thing for this quote is when has Zeke given Falyn a reason to trust him? And I'm being serious, not rhetorical, because aside from saving her from 'Rhys' -- that doesn't make sense how Zeke could look in and see Rhys, before... -- I'm at a loss. She likes him for whatever reason, but why? What for? Other than hating on Akia, what has he done? Think about it.
Noelle! What is with you a weak phrases today? I just haven't felt motivated to feel anything, and granted I have read this before, the only thing that shocked me was Zeke changing. And I bet you remember that >.> Still, to end a chapter on this note is like shooting a white (very bad in archery) after hitting several red (okay, but not the best). You had a good start, good flow and I was expecting something more, but never really got it. Even here, she's basically been abducted by the man who is destined to kill her! She's not flipping out??
I totally agree with Deanie that there needs to be more emotion and action to go along with the dialogue. Here, it appears that they dropped everything and just started talking? Doesn't Falyn wonder why Zeke has stopped searching for that item she so wants to burn? Just the little actions, like pacing around, clenching fists or teeth, punching someone! Well, not that, bad I have no idea how to imagine them here, as they're just taking. People are always moving, doing something, even in a deep conversation.
Deanie covered most of the stuff I wanted to say, so I guess I'm finished xD Hope I helped and happy writing,
~Wolfare
This just made my morning.
I was feeling sarcastic xD
Hi Noelle!
Here to return the favour of the review that you gave me today ^^
Looks like it has finally been revealed that Zeke is not actually who he said he is... but I didn't think he would end up being Rhys himself! That is definitely not what I expected, which is of course a good thing. In my mind he was just going to be someone who was working for him. I also like that in the end it was Mina who figured out the little piece in the puzzle due to Aiden and to come and try to warn Falyn. It really does seem like everything is falling apart now and there is no chance that they can possibly win this fight :/ The only good thing about all of this is that George was the one who was seeing all the visions, so he probably didn't see a vision Falyn dying after all, maybe. Maybe she can live (at least, now I have some hope on that side of things.)
After Zeke says this you start a new paragraph but Zeke is still speaking. But after those harsh words spoken against Akia I wanted to see Falyn's reaction. Sure, later on she responds by saying that she assumed they were equal and were well enough working together and not harbouring this sort of hate. But I want to see this in her actions right here, directly after he has said this because this would be the time she would actually react to the words. So, let us see her shock on her face, or her intake of breath when she realises not everything is as up to par as she thought it was.
Another thing I am going to be a bit picky about is how much dialogue is in this chapter. I can understand why there needs to be so much - I mean we just had this big revelation and everyone is speaking as they are trying to either plan their next movies or trying to figure out what is happening. But the dialogue can easily be broken into with movements that they are doing, or Falyn's line of thought as all of this is occuring around her. So I would like to see some of that.
Another thing is when Mina collapses she simply asks. 'she isn't dead' or 'what did you do to her?' I can't remember which exactly, but I wasn't really feeling it through those words alone. Her only sister who she recently discovered is family, but is also her all time best friend just collapsed and could even be dead for all she knows! It's a pretty big thing and in that moment she has no idea what has happened. And I want to be able to feel that. I want to sense her moment of panic as she shoves away the argument they recently had because deep down she does love her.
I was pretty surprised that Falyn actually believed everything Zeke was saying about Akia straight off the bat. I was surprised because she had been lied to by everyone she knew, even Zeke at that point, when it came to her death. Which meant that she should know that this place is riddled with secrets and untruths, and even though she does fancy him at this point she should know to take what he says with a pinch of salt. I was kind of annoyed that she was so willing to believe every word. It was pretty naive, and I am not a fan of naive characters >.>
When George burst in with Mina behind him, he mentions Aiden and straight away Falyn is saying that Zeke and his lot betrayed them. But among the sudden noise and interruption, although Mina does look panicked for some reason, no one says anything about a betrayal quite yet. And in her shock, Falyn shouldn't be so quick to register that she has been betrayed. I think Zeke needs to say something as his evil self or the word betrayal should be thrown around by Mina before Falyn makes that assumption. I just think it was a bit too quick witted for her, especially as she was just blindly believing ever word Zeke was saying.
My first impression when I found out Zeke was Rhys was that it couldn't be possible. I clearly remember a moment in one of your previous chapters a while back where they are in the woods, and Akia has recently escaped Rhy's torture-place (can't remember exactly what they are in?) with Falyn. But what happened was Zeke looked through the trees and in a window at Rhys and nods to him, enabling the reader to understand he is not really on their side. But how can he be Rhys if he was looking at Rhys and well, nodding at himself? That section doesn't make sense. Unless, he was look at one of Rhys's henchmen or something that was there with him >.> Maybe that part needs looking at again? (I hope I am not mistake in what I am saying.)
Sorry that I had to pull out such a huge chunk here! But I seriously couldn't understand why George would bother explaining things to Falyn. I mean, he could simply say of course not, and leave it there. He doesn't need to explain himself to Falyn who he believes to be a dumb and naive girl in his opinion. Maybe Zeke/Rhys would be willing to explain because even though he regards Falyn as basically nothing as well, he should feel a bit of a connection to her whether he likes it or not because he has been in her company so long. So maybe he would expand on George's three word response (if you do choose to switch it up to the three blunt words) for Falyn. Or maybe he wouldn't. That's up to you. But I feel like it would be very odd for George to be explaining things at that point, unless you make it sound a lot more boastful. The words 'cool trick' just didn't give it the boastful and cruel sound to it I expected.
I don't have anything more to say when it comes to content! I am gonna do a couple of nitpicks now.
No need for the 'he' here.
Typo! *thought
Comma needed after the first word.
Such an interesting twist in things. I feel like I am repeating myself by saying I can't wait to find out what will happen next, but it is the truth of the matter. You simply keep throwing more things into the mix that I never thought you would do. Which means when the climax moment comes all the cards are going to be on the table and it will be impossible to predict the outcome. I am definitely looking forward to finding out what you do at that moment!
Deanie x
Thank you so much for this! I've had a lot of chapters where I just had to write something to stay in the contest and this is definitely one of them. All of these awesome reviews will help when editing
This is the first chapter of your story that I've been able to read, and it made me want to go back through and read the whole thing. It was very intriguing, and your dialogue flowed excellently. Even though I haven't read this whole story, I was able to recognize the startling twist you slipped into this chapter, that Rys had been with them all along. Your story sounds very interesting and I can't wait to go back through and read some of the earlier chapters. Sorry this isn't a very great review because I didn't offer any real critique. I searched it but I didn't really find any mistakes. I can tell you have a real talent with story telling. Keep up the good work!
I'm gonna be honest here. I think you did a stunningly beautiful job on this piece. I honestly haven't read the other chapters of novel you seem like you've been working quite hard on, but I'm sure it's awesome, just like this chapter. It just has some imagery that I haven't found in many other writer's pieces, and includes some freaking beautiful dialogue. Keep going with it. I hope you get this published one day. Good luck, and as always, keep writing!