z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Across Worlds - Chapter 1

by Noelle


Falyn

The river was calm, the water floating lazily passed her. A warm breeze blew by. She closed her eyes as the air wrapped around her like a blanket. It had been cold for too many weeks now. This was the kind of weather she had been looking forward to.

She opened her eyes again once the breeze vanished. She looked down at the river, second guessing her decision. What if it didn’t work? What if something happened to her? And most importantly, what would happen if she got caught? She wouldn’t be able to survive whatever punishment they would give her.

But she made up her mind; she was going to do it. Carefully, she took a step into the river. She involuntarily flinched, anticipating the protection spell that would throw her backwards or turn her to ash. But nothing happened. She was free to cross the border. Warmth spread through her body. This was it. This was her opportunity.

With a new found confidence, she waded through the river and came to the bank on the other side. She nearly cried out with joy as she climbed up onto the dry ground. She’d done it. She had become the first mage to cross the river. And now she would be the first mage from Agathi to visit the city of Pollume. A few members of the Othir had made the journey, but that was different. They were the rulers of the city. It was their job to keep the peace between the two cities. No regular citizen had ever visited Pollume. They weren’t allowed to.

Without a single glance back, she made her way towards the city she had only seen from a distance. Her heart pounded in anticipation as she got closer. The tall, metal buildings seemed to grow taller as she got closer.

When she was just a short distance away, she saw that people were waiting for her at the grand entrance of the city. They were calling out to her with open arms, welcoming her. She could hear their joyful voices calling out her name: Falyn! Falyn! Falyn…

“Falyn!”

Someone shook her shoulder, drawing her away from the perfect daydream. She rubbed her eyes and looked around. Disappointment coursed through her body. She wasn’t at the entrance to Pollume. There were no strangers welcoming her. Instead, she was sitting in a classroom at school with all of her classmates staring at her.

“Falyn,” Professor Lankis called from the front of the class, sliding the glasses down the bridge of her nose. “As I was asking while you were staring out the window, can you tell me the three battles that led to the mages victory over the seers in the Four Parts war?”

“Oh, right,” Falyn said. She could feel her face turning red. She had never fallen asleep or zoned out during class before. This was the first time. And it was completely embarrassing.

“Well, the first battle was the Battle of the Enlightened. After a victory for the mages, we pushed back the seers to the caves of Ethir. We nearly lost that battle, but we were able to defeat the seers and push them back even farther. And then during the Battle of Sumner River, we forced the seers across the river and created the protection spell to keep them from coming back.”

“Well done, Ms. Perez,” Professor Lankis said in a voice that was anything but congratulatory. “It seems that you have found it helpful to look ahead in your books in order to be prepared for class. But I do warn you that daydreaming is dangerous. You won’t make it very far if you don’t pay attention in class. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Falyn hung her head. She wasn’t used to being scolded or being told that she was doing something wrong. But she couldn’t get over her curiosity for the city across the river. No matter how many times her father told her to forget about it, she couldn’t.

She snuck a quick glance out the window. The city of Pollume was just as far away as it always was. She could make out the tall, metal buildings, but that was it. How she wished she could visit for just one day. What was it like in that city? Was it different than in Agathi? She had to know.

“Now, I would like everyone to open their books to page eighty-three and read about the battles that made up the Four Parts war,” Professor ordered as she sat at her desk. “There will be no talking. When the bell rings, you may be dismissed.”

Falyn opened her book and tried to concentrate on the reading. It was hard. The words seemed to run together on the page, making them confusing and hard to understand. She just couldn’t read them.

She snuck a glance up at Professor Lankis’s desk. The professor was staring back at her with accusing green eyes. Falyn had never realized how much those eyes stood out against the professor’s dark skin. It was rather unnerving.

Diverting her gaze, Falyn went back to the book. The words on the page slowly fixed themselves and became real words again. She started to read.

For three hundred and ninety-two years, mages and seers had lived in perfect harmony. But in the year three hundred and ninety-three, a certain distrust began to grow between the two groups. Othir members accused seers of lying, hiding the truths of the future from them. Members of the Lanche, the ruling people of the seers, claimed that there were no secrets to hide; that their powers were dwindling and they weren’t as strong as they used to be.

Tension built up between the two people from the year three hundred and ninety-three to the year three hundred and ninety-nine. The ruling bodies of both people were able to control any outbursts between their people. At the turn of the century however, the force of the people was too strong. Thus the Four Parts War began.

Falyn skipped the next part of the chapter. It was all about the Battle of the Enlightened. The battle wasn’t even anything exciting. A bunch of the leaders from each of the cities got together and tried to solve things without fighting. There was a lot of discussion and arguing. These meetings happened behind closed doors. It lasted for a total of four days. Early in the fourth day, a gunshot was heard from outside. One of the members of the Othir had been shot by a seer. Once word got back to both of the cities, the war began.

Everyone knew the story. There was no reason for them to go over the same stories each year. Besides, the Four Parts war happened back in the year 400. It was 573 now. Everything had been peaceful for 173 years.

She supposed that it was important for them to know their city’s history, but she hated reading about the battles. So many people died, including her great grandfather. She hated reliving all that.

Looking around, Falyn saw her classmates reading intently. Even Professor Lankis was engrossed in whatever she was working on herself. The only other person in the room who wasn’t reading was Falyn’s best friend Mina. Mina was trying to get her attention from across the room.

“What?” Falyn mouthed.

“Are you okay?” Mina responded silently. Falyn nodded and smiled. But her best friend didn’t seem convinced. “We’ll talk after class.” Falyn really didn’t want to talk, but she wasn’t about to tell Mina that. It would hurt her feelings. Mina was delicate at times. She had to be careful around her.

Many people thought she and Mina were sisters. Not only did they hang out all of the time, they also looked like each other. They were both the same height: short, nearly 5’2”. Mina and Falyn shared the same long, wavy black hair and soft blue eyes. They were even the same height. But their skin color was different. Mina’s skin was tan while Falyn’s was more of a pale color. It amazed Falyn sometimes how similar the two of them were.

Falyn sighed and stared at the clock. There was still twenty minutes until the school day was over. Falyn wasn’t sure she could wait that long. If only she could force the hands on the clock to move quicker.

Suddenly, the minutes hand spun around the numbers and stopped once it reached the twelve. It was four o’clock; the end of the school day. The bell rang out, making everyone jump. Professor Lankis’s head snapped up in confusion. Pulling the glasses off of her nose, she looked at the clock.

“Well, I guess it’s the end of the day. Come prepared for a test tomorrow. Homework is to write a single page summary of what you’ve read. Ms. Perez, see me before you leave.”

Falyn groaned as she packed up her books. While her classmates were talking excitingly about their plans for the night, Falyn was busy wondering what Professor Lankis was going to tell her. No doubt she’d reprimand her for not paying attention in class again. It wasn’t really something Falyn was looking forward to.

“Wait outside for me?” She begged Mina as she headed towards the front of the classroom.

“Sure,” Mina responded. “Don’t get in too much trouble.” She winked and walked out into the hallway.

When all of the students were gone, Professor Lankis spoke up. “Falyn, I am impressed with your work.” Falyn stared at her. She hadn’t expected anything positive. “But your lack of dedication in the classroom is alarming.” There it was.

“So,” Professor Lankis continued. “I am not granting your request to enter extra schooling early.”

Falyn stared at her teacher. She was in such shock that she could barely find her voice. “But, Professor—”

“It is not up for discussion Ms. Perez. You submitted your request at the beginning of the school year. If you recall, I did explain to you the importance of doing well this year. Back then you would’ve been a great addition to our extra schooling program. But now, well, you seem to have lost interest and work ethic.

“We cannot allow you into our extra schooling program, Falyn. You may reapply next year, but you’ll have to stay focused the entire year. This school does not accept students into our extra schooling program if they don’t deserve it.”

“But I do deserve it,” Falyn argued. “I’ve studied harder than anyone in this class! I’ve gotten outstanding grades on every evaluation! How can you just tell me no?”

“Like I said, your performance in class is less than spectacular. You will have to wait another year.”

“By then all of my friends will be a year ahead of me!”

Professor Lankis stared at Falyn over the brim of her glasses. “If this is about keeping up with your friends, I’m afraid you have applied for extra schooling for the wrong reason, Ms. Perez. Students in the extra schooling program are dedicated to securing a top job in the city and creating a better place for our citizens. They do not choose extra schooling just to socialize!”

Falyn opened her mouth to respond, but thought better of it. She knew that Professor Lankis was right. If all she did in class was sit and daydream, how would she ever expect to do well in extra schooling? Sure she’d have Mina and Henry to help her out, but it wouldn’t be enough. Maybe she wasn’t ready.

“I’m sorry, Falyn, I really am,” Professor Lankis continued, her voice soft and comforting. “But you’re fourteen years old. Your friends are sixteen. You skipped two years of schooling because of your brilliant study habits. But what you lack is maturity. I just don’t think you’re ready. Better luck next year.”

“Right,” Falyn said, feeling defeated. “Thanks anyway.” She clung her books close to her chest as she walked out into the hallway.

Professor Lankis thought she was too immature, too inexperienced. Well she’d show her wrong. Falyn was going to prove herself. Final testing for extras schooling didn’t start for another two months. Falyn could improve in that time. She was going to be the best student in the class. Then there would be no way that Professor Lankis would deny her entry into extra schooling.


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Sat Feb 28, 2015 7:34 pm
AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello! KatyaElefant here for a review! I know this work has like 12 reviews but you need 13 reviews so it can be extra lucky! I think I'm going to aim to review your entire novel for the review tournament so GET READY! Let us begin!

One of the major problems of this chapter is that it has a lot of simple sentences and a few compound sentences but no complex sentences. You need a combination of all three of these types of sentences to make your novel flow better. I do wish the dream in the beginning had just a tad more descriptive works to enhance the imagery. Try to show the river, don't just talk about it. DESCRIBE IT. One thing that might be a problem as your novel is written is that the reader may forget some of the names of the characters or forget some important events, I do hope that you make it so the names and information stick or you have some key that reminds us(or we can just look at the previous chapters...BLEH...WORK)

This is a really great chapter! You were still a great writer about one year ago(I wasn't a great writer at that point)! The length is perfect! It includes everything you should have in a chapter and ends the way a chapter should. The names are really cool. I don't know if there is some sort of symbolism to them or not but either way they are memorable and fun to say. You have great imagery(though I always wish there were EVEN MORE imagery) and I can imagine this scene very well in my head. This story makes you want to know what will happen next or why you included somethings(foreshadowing). You are just an excellent writer and I think that even in older writings, you were good. Great job! Keep calm and keep writing! :D




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Sat Nov 29, 2014 1:50 pm
Noaven says...



Love that feel of a fresh start! A new interesting setting, a new world even to explore and learn about. This first chapter has certainly gotten my attention and now I've got tons of questions!




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Sun Sep 28, 2014 2:45 pm
IamTraunt wrote a review...



So.... I said I'd come review and say Hey! to Fay xD

Nitpicks!

So, many people will tell you that I love talking about sentences and how to make them simpler :3 I am The Sentence Master xD hahahaha. Only joking. I will try to talk about characters, plot and dialogue but a lot of people have talked about it and such so I may just help out with the technical stuff.

She involuntarily flinched, anticipating the protection spell that would throw her backwards or turn her to ash.

This sentence is a worded a little funnily. I either suggest putting "a protection spell that would..." or "the protection spell to throw...", as the "the" and the "that" sort of clash when you read them aloud together, it doesn't flow as nicely. It is up to you, but that is what I think sure be done.

And then during the Battle of Sumner River, we forced the seers across the river and created the protection spell to keep them from coming back.

It feels slightly jumpy after the comma, I suggest putting "where we were forced" just to smoothen it out ;)

It seems that you have found it helpful to look ahead in your books in order to be prepared for class.

This sentence could be simpler. "in order to" could simply be "so you" or even "to".

Members of the Lanche, the ruling people of the seers, claimed that there were no secrets to hide; that their powers were dwindling and they weren’t as strong as they used to be.

Maybe it is because I'm not too keen on semi colons, but I think this one here could be replaced with an "and", it still would fit and it runs much smoother.

Tension built up between the two people from the year three hundred and ninety-three to the year three hundred and ninety-nine.

If you read here: http://www.grammarbook.com/numbers/numbers.asp - it tells you it is up to you and it varies between places, but I would suggest putting years in figures so it is easier for the reader, but like the text said, it varies, so it up to you :P

Not only did they hang out all of the time, they also looked like each other.

The "all of" could merely be "all".

And that is me done, my dear. I see you've got quite a number of fans ^^ Indeed, this is a wonderful novel. The protagonist is certain determined, I do like Fay as a character. She is very interesting and I cannot wait to see what will come next.




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Tue Sep 09, 2014 3:36 am
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Evander wrote a review...



Spoiler! :
I am tired and on my phone writing this. I apologize if this makes zero sense at all.


Hey, Noelle! Raven here to review this wonderful novel. Let's forget that I should have been reading this ages ago, shall we? Now, I have not found m/any mistakes, (I am reviewing as I read) so this review this review might be full of praise. However, I have one nitpick that we discussed in chat. Now, that I have thought over it, I am going to give you my thoughts on it.

Starting with a dream may seem cliche, however, right here (as I am reading it over several times) it tells us many things about Falyn. She wants to be great and do things no one else has before. She might be predicting her own future. This tells us so much stuff in just a few paragraphs. After thinking about this, yes, it would not really have a place any where else in this novel. (However, I am still slightly peeved about starting at book with a dream, wait, no, daydream. ;) I am going to rant about it in a spoiler, because, hey! I found something I can truly nitpick!)

Spoiler! :
Starting books off with dreams leads the reader into a false sense of security. We think one thing about the novel, then, BAM... it's a day dream. We feel betrayed, upset, it's hard for us to continue reading. I'm just a little weary of your choice. However, HEY! You're the writer. :D Whatever you write goes!


After she is called out I thought it was going too be a really strict school that hurts people with torture methods you can see she is smart. I mean, the teacher agrees that she looks at the textbook! (I took that as a compliment towards Falyn, but, I have this nagging feeling in my brain saying it was an insult to her intelligence.) It gives us a bit of the history in the world without giving us an info dump in the prologue.

For three hundred and ninety-two years, mages and seers had lived in perfect harmony.
Then, the fire nation attacked. Only the avatar, master of fire, mage stuff, and seer things could stop them. However, when the worlds needed him most, he vanished. 173 years past, I, Falyn, a fourteen year old, girl have found him... That's what I thought when reading that part! :)

I have a lot more to say, but I think I am going to leave it for the next review! Keep on writing and let me win the Last Man Standing contest.

Rae,

(Expect a really long review next chapter talking and ranting about this one.)




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Sun Aug 31, 2014 3:32 am
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here!

So I review as I read with some of these longer pieces, so I shall put nitpicks and concerns first.

She opened her eyes again once the breeze vanished. She looked down at the river, second guessing her decision


Call it just me being uber picky, but this is technically mild redundancy - starting two sentences directly after each other with the same word. It can be ignored and just move on, but... I think it's a big enough deal to point out.

Carefully, she took a step into the river.


Some people say to never start a sentence with an adverb. I am not considering this a nitpick, but I usually pull it out because in my real life writer's group, I get the finger wag when I do this.

So many people died, including her great grandfather.


*does the math* When I added this up, it no workey. I believe it would have made it out 80 years before - not 173. Really, that would be a long time back in the string of greats grandfathers. Like, a really long time.

best friend Mina. Mina was trying to get


I wonder if there is some other way you could word this so that Mina isn't right next to each other.

Mina responded silently


Doing this technically, if she responded silently, then there would be no response at all. Right? So maybe quietly? or maybe she mouthed the words?

It is not up for discussion Ms. Perez.


Comma after discussion

Okay. Enough with the quotes and nitpicks. Bleh. Dun like them, anyway. One thing that I noticed in this first chapter were all the names. Really, when I was going through them, it was like everything was when she was trying to read the book for the first time. And everything was swimming on the page, and she didn't understand. I forgot most of the names, and right now, the only thing I remember is her name, the name of her friend and the name of the professor. That is it. Everything else was just slammed together in a cacophony of names that were so large in number I, quite honestly, couldn't keep up. I didn't even remember the name of her city. And that isn't so nice. I would have liked to do that - and I shouldn't really have to scroll up to see it again.

But her name! <3 Just perfect, I think. I definitely remember her name, and it is so sticking with you. And that of her friend. Very imaginative.

Really, I think this was a very nice beginning to your book. You brought us into your story, and was a lovely introduction to your characters. It seems as though her best friend will be a big part of this story, as well. And I think you introduced us to her quite well. This opening chapter had a story arc all in itself. Look at it: She starts off not caring about her studies and just daydreaming away about something she can't do (which also lets us into the story more, because of that) and then at the end, when she is so resolute in doing better in schooling so she doesn't fall behind and fail. Few people can accomplish a perfect arc in a single chapter, but you did it.

Wonderful.

Spoiler! :
Timmy rates you at a 9.463723


~Darth Timmyjake




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Tue Jul 15, 2014 2:56 am
SushiSashimi333 wrote a review...



Hello! It's been a while since I've done a review, hopefully I can do this right and make it helpful ^^
First off, what I noticed throughout the entire first half was a single word. "She". I'm not sure if you did it on purpose, but in almost every sentence you have that one word. I just feel like it disrupts the flow if you keep saying she. Try finding some way so to omit that word or else Falyn will just become "she".
Second, this is more of a minor error, when you were describing the appearance of Mina and Falyn you said twice that they were the same height. I just thought I would point that out. One of the other reviews might have already done that though... I haven't really read them so I don't know what they covered ><
I really liked your dialogue though! The conversation seemed reasonable and the teacher, well she did sound like a teacher xD But what confused me a little bit was her impression. There was a time when she was unnerving, and then she's trying to comfort Falyn. It just confuses me a bit as to why she's constantly switching her demeanor. (I think that's the right word)
I was also a little confused about some other things. Falyn seems like she's really smart, even for being in the class that she's in, so why, just because she was daydreaming, is she not allowed to go to the extra classes? I might have missed something, but I thought she said she didn't daydream often anyways.... it just kinda befuddles me.
Okay, one last thing! You probably already noticed this yourself, but there was a lot of namedropping. I like that you spread it out so that it wasn't overwhelming, but still, I can't quite keep up with it all. Perhaps if you could do a little more spreading out?? It might just be me.
Other than that I think this was pretty good! Normally I don't pieces that are this long, but it managed to really captivate me and draw me into this world. I will definitely try to follow along with your story ^^




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 2:32 am
Messenger wrote a review...



Heeeeeey sun-fighter . . . or is it sun-lover? either way, i thought I should check out this story that seems to be all over your wall, so hear I am.

Hmm, the beginning was interesting. Of course it was a dream! How could it be so easy? I totally didn't think it was real >.> Anyway, I feel that one thing you could have emphasized more was Falyn's reactions to everything. She seems to be kind of slow. Sure her face flushed when she woke up, but did she lower her head, glance at her books? Make her come alive.

Also, I think a little bit more emotion and feeling overall could help. The beginning was pretty good, but the classroom scene lacked color. Also, you mentioned Falyn and Mina's height twice in two sentences, which needs to be fixed.

Now, I'm really torn between how you told the history of the earth. Generally I don't like it to be so spelled out at the beginning, but I think I have to admit that is was seriously clever. You told us without it being through unrealistic dialogue. I think you used the classroom atmosphere and setup perfectly. Now I'm off for the next chapter! :)

~Messenger




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Mon Jun 02, 2014 3:04 pm
Alchemist says...



Since now I know how to quote in the reviews, I will point out a single typo which was fun for me since it could mean more than one thing when corrected. :)

And then during the Battle of Sumner River


Was it Summer, or maybe Summoner? Or you just meant...Sumner, but i doubt thats the case. :)




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Sun Jun 01, 2014 3:33 am
Alchemist wrote a review...



Hey there! I haven't read all of the chapters yet, but I'm quite in it so far, so I decided it's time for reviews!

The introduction was amazing, her dream is really easy to understand and it is somewhat magical. Two things that needs work there: first paragraph- im not sure why, but it was somewhat dull. Maybe rework the sentences? Other, the last two paragraphs, as they were a little bit repetitive.

Further on, I love how you gave some hints about her father, intentional or not. Also, the opening is great-somewhat classic, character thrown from his normal life to the supernatural, but on the other side,school in an fantasy novel. I like it.

There is an slopily written paragraph, though it may be intentional. It is the one after she read the part of the texbook to herself, describing the war. Since the war was boring, you might have wanted to make the paragraph the same, or, you might have lived up to the character and made a mistake. I think you need to re-structure sentences there.

Ahh, you inroduced Falyn's magic here too, I didn't notice it until I re-read it. The clock part, i like it.

It is an interesting introduction and holds more than it seems to someone reading it for the first time, which is good. It is not unusal to hide most of the hints within the opening becouse no one expects it there, so its fun!

I think i pointed out four paragraphs that were written somewhat worse than the rest of the story. Becouse of them, on the first read i wasn't impressed by your "style" but now, re-reading i see its only few paragraph problem and the rest is very good. I'm not sure how to fix all of them, for two i had told you they were repetitive and you will notice it when you read it!

Will keep on spamming you, and I hope this is helpful!

-Alchemist




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Sun Apr 27, 2014 6:31 pm
PeanutPhoebe wrote a review...



Hi! I love fantasy, so I decided to start at the beginning so I can review your other chapters as well. So, you seem to have an interesting character here. You've developed her well, and I like how you slipped information in. So far, I'm enjoying the story, although I really don't know much of it. My one complaint is that we don't know a lot of setting and such. Where is this place? What time period? What's the difference between a mage and a seer? Of course, that's what I want to know as a reader. But, being a writer, I know that sometimes readers need to be patient for that stuff. You've got a great start here, and I can't wait to read more! Oh, I really didn't notice any grammar issues, so that's good. I like your formatting, you didn't just clump everything together like I sometimes do:/ What else to say? Keep writing!




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Sat Apr 05, 2014 10:04 pm
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Deanie wrote a review...



Heya Noelle! Deanie here so I can go read the next chapter after this one. I also was interested in your writing because I haven't reviewed it much before...

This was definitely an interesting opening. I love it when we get a main character who is curious and independent, trying to do everything herself. And I wonder just what she'll discover when and if she gets over that river and into the city no one else has been to for years. If anyone will find a way. Falyn will. By the way, have I told you how much I love the name? It sounds great :D

I'm pretty sure the world is much like hours at the time, and I liked the descriptions you gave at the beginning of the chapter. However it sounded a little stiff to me:

The river was calm, the water floating lazily passed her. A warm breeze blew by. She closed her eyes as the warm air wrapped around her like a blanket. It had been cold for too many weeks now. This was the kind of weather she had been looking forward to. She was more than ready for spring.


What I think it is is all the short sentences in here. I think to make this flow better in general and seem more smooth we need some longer ones as well. The river was calm. The water floated lazily pass her as a warm breeze blew by... This was the kind of weather she had been looking forwards to because she was more than ready for spring.

I kind of like it more when you start with a short to the point sentence at the beginning of the chapter and continue with a long one. That was just an example you might change it round a bit, I don't know. It's up to you. Just vary those lengths...

So she's the youngest in her class by two years? You said Mina was like her twin... but she's also sixteen right?

She’d done it. She had become the first mage to cross the river. And now she would be the first mage from Agathi to visit the city of Pollume. A few members of the Othir had made the journey, but that was different. They were the rulers of the city. It was their job to keep the peace between the two cities. No regular citizen had ever visited Pollume. They weren’t allowed to.


I know this is part of the dream and not too important to have an explanation yet, but it does come before she mentions it was a dream so I was taking it seriously... And although I grasped that this feat was a major one for her and her people it kind of meant nothing to me! I didn't know why Pollume was so important. I didn't know what made someone a mage or not. Is a mage a regular citizen? Why not? Which also arises the question, if they made the protection spell so the others couldn't get it, why can't they get out? Is the spell stronger than they thought or something?

Othir members accused seers of lying, hiding the truths of the future from them. Members of the Lanche, the ruling people of the seers, claimed that there were no secrets to hide; that their powers were dwindling and weren’t as strong as they used to be


Oooh powers! You mentioned this quickly and then moved on, but when I hear the word powers (I love super powers!) I wanted to know more. First I was like, how were the Lanche supposed to know the future? Until I got it xD So, who has powers and who doesn't? Do any of the people in Falyn's class have powers? Where did they come from? I want to know moreeeeee about this.

You've had a tricky chapter here because you've needed to give us a lot of information to understand the situation of the past war appropriately without it sounding like an info dump. And I think you've done a fairly good job of that, because the story is interesting and we managed to kind of learn a bit through a textbook too. I liked the pacing and how we've only seen a little bit of Falyn's day but we can already tell so much about her character. Looking forwards to reading the next chapter soon!

Deanie x




Noelle says...


Thanks for pointing out all the questions you have! I didn't notice how much I truly left out. I'll have to introduce more about the word in chapter 3. Chapter 2 lacks just as much information I'm afraid :/



Deanie says...


I'll go read it and see



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Sun Mar 30, 2014 2:04 am
kayfortnight wrote a review...



Kayfortnight here to review your chapter!

I actually like the daydream, though normally I don't enjoy dream sequences. It felt very real at first, though the slightest bit eerie, as you described the beautiful weather and then showed her afraid to step in the water. I'm hoping her crossing over to the Seer city is foreshadowing, as otherwise you could have chosen almost any potential scenario for her to daydream about. It should be relevant.

Falyn seems very real, with her longing to keep up with her friends, rare daydreaming in class, and desire to be the best student. In some ways, she reminds me of myself:)

Professor Lankis has a little too much info-dumping in her words for my liking, but you did work in most of the information you wanted us to know very well.

What I do like about Professor Lankis's speech versus Falyn's is that they have very different voices-a student will talk differently than a teacher. Individual students should also have slightly different voices as well-remember that when Falyn talks with Mina later.

And there's my two cents!




Noelle says...


Thanks for the review! I'm glad you found some of the foreshadowing I put in the chapter :)



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Sun Mar 30, 2014 12:54 am
rainbowcabbit wrote a review...



Hello! I heard you wanted this reviewed. I assume you are looking for information about your plot and pacing, and not just grammar. Ok, so, your plot so far is nice and simple. I love how Falyn is like a real Honors student! Also, I understand her completely with the whole teacher lecture issue. I like how you forshadow the events with the clock turning faster. Also, you did a great job of imitating social studies class and textbooks. However, try to avoid making things only dreams unless it is important to the plot. Dreams are not only cliche but they make the reader feel cheated. Well, that is it. Happy Review Day and keep writing!




Noelle says...


Yes, that's exactly the kind of review I wanted. And don't worry, the dream is most definitely important.



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Thu Mar 27, 2014 5:43 am
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Holysocks wrote a review...



I've come. Prepare to be amazed! XD

Anyway, like I told you earlier, I feel that this is a very strong first chapter. There wasn't one flashback, heavens, I like that. It just felt right, somehow.

I Like the name 'Falyn Perez'. I think that that was a good choice. I also thought your imagery was very creative... and I like how the imagery sort of stopped when the daydream does. It gives the feeling that it was a really nice daydream.

And be warned, there will now be some rambling...

As I was saying while you were staring out the window, can you tell me the three battles that led to the Mages victory over the Seers in the Four Parts war?


If you can see the words and such in bold; Lankis says she's 'saying' that she was asking Falyn to do something... which doesn't work in my mind! If you can understand what I'm trying to say.
I'm not sure how you would word that differently, I've been over it a few times in my brain, but I can't figure it out! >.< So I'll let you think about it ( If you don't get what I'm saying, let me know ).

I find it very interesting that you named a lot of the battles almost cheery names. It's like it was the beginning of peace for them. It certainly is a different perspective on war, if that's what you were trying to do. Is that what you were meaning by this? I'm curious!

It kind of feels like these people are so past war ( except that they do their history thing, and all ) that they're focusing a lot of their time and energy on learning. Knowledge seems to be their main goal, and they're super serious about it. Maybe I'm wrong?

So, I just thought I'd let you know, that until paragraph 12, I didn't get the understanding that Professor Lankis is a woman. I don't know if that's a huge deal... but something about her just screams “I'm a dude!” not sure why. It shocked me twice, reading paragraph 12! And even after that I still kept picturing her as a man.

Sorry, this is kind of a patchy review, there's just a lot of things I wanted to bring up!

I'm glad you gave a few extra years for the distrust and stuff between the Seers and the Othir, to reach its peek. That was very realistic, I think. I also think it's very interesting that it's not really in the hands of the rulers. The rulers feel like the wife, who's begging her husband not to do something he'll regret.

She hated reliving all that.


Reliving? It kind of sounds like she was there ( like maybe these people live very long and age really slow ), I think you're just saying that simply reading it, and thinking about it, is, in a way, reliving the horror of it all.

So you're describing Mina, and Falyn, and how they're so much alike... but something happened:

They were both the same height:


The you repeat:

They were even the same height.


Maybe Falyn was just so surprised that they're both 5'2! ;) ( sorry, I shouldn't bug you! I make that same mistake countless times! )

Now, that little snippet where Falyn possibly speeds time up, is good, very insightful. But it was quite quick, and it was almost sprung on us. Falyn wasn't even that surprised or confused as to what just happened. What I think would help make that moment feel more then just: time flies when you need to concentrate on something. Is if Falyn had some sort of sensation, or something. Unless, of course, someone else sped up the time... in which case, I think Falyn would be a bit more curious of what happened... she does seem to be a curious person, to begin with.

No doubt she'd reprimand her for not paying attention in class again.


I thought you had said at the beginning of this chapter, that this was her first daydream event? But, I guess, would Lankis really deny her of extra schooling, because she had her head in the clouds... once?

By then all of my friends will be a year ahead of me!


I love that 'slip of the tongue'. But maybe it means more for her then just keeping up with her friends, maybe it's hard to keep track of people once they're in different grades, so to speak.

Okay. So far we know ( or think ) that Falyn is a very intelligent, slightly immature ( despite what she thinks ), 'shoot for the stars' daring kind of girl. But yet, on the outside she's a 'keep to herself', and 'silently knowing' kind of person.


I can't wait to find out more about her, and what you'll do with this! I really enjoyed it. :-D
Honestly, I didn't think I would blab this long. But hey, I said I tell you EVERYTHING. So I hope it helped in some way!

-Socks




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Wed Mar 26, 2014 2:37 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there! Blue here to leave a review today.

First of all, I think you've done a good job making things interesting in that--well, you've got the start of a fantasy novel going on here, with mages and seers, but despite that you also have a normal school sort of setting. But not like "hidden school for supernatural creatures on earth"--just a normal school for supernatural creatures in a world full of supernatural creatures, which is interesting because it isn't done very much. Think of Lord of the Rings, for example. Plenty of creatures like Hobbits and Dwarves and Elves, but you never see the Hobbit or Dwarf or Elf children sitting in school and learning how to be whatever they are.

So that was really interesting, which is good to capture a reader's attention, and I think you led into well with the daydreaming--because it's perfectly normal to daydream in class, so you used that to catch us with something exciting, namely Falyn visiting the forbidden city. Admittedly, this kind of opening can work against you if it goes on too long, if we're like, "Wow, this is really exciting" and then at the end of the chapter it turns out it was just a dream.

But I think you did it well because you didn't let it go on for more than a couple paragraphs. Plus we start wondering if it's real when Falyn sees the people chanting her name, because if the city is forbidden and she's never been there, how do they even know her name? Plus the fact that she wasn't thrown back by the protective spell, which at first made me think something was wrong with the spell, but then it made perfect sense that she had only been daydreaming.

I also think you did an excellent job with the backstory, the history of the world that you want us to know. Because you snaked it into the school setting, having Falyn answer a professor's question about one event and then reading a few paragraphs of her textbook. It made sense with the setting and got the point across without being too information-dumpy.

I do have two suggestions for you, though:

1. With the daydream, it turns out to be exciting because Falyn crosses the river and enters Pollume, but the way it starts off--with the calm river and a gentle breeze and the warm sun shining--is a little dull. It's such a short paragraph that maybe it doesn't matter, but it might be better to start with Falyn second-guessing her decision. Then, if you want, you can get into the weather.

2. Some of the dialogue is a little telling. Like, telling to the point where it seems unnatural. For example, when Professor Lankis says this bit:

But you’re fourteen years old. Your friends are sixteen. You skipped two years of schooling because of your brilliant study habits. But what you lack is maturity. I just don’t think you’re ready. Better luck next year.


Some of this is good. Like a real person probably would say, "But you're fourteen." The next two sentences, however, are a little unnatural--I know you want to get this point across, that Falyn's worked really hard and tried to get into extra schooling early, but this part doesn't sound as much like something a real person would say. I'd suggest something more like this:

"But you're fourteen years old. You're a brilliant student, but you lack maturity. I just don't think you're ready. Better luck next year."

Then--as Mina is waiting for Falyn and is presumably one of the friends who's sixteen, you could use the next chapter to let us know that Falyn's friends are two years older because she's already skipped a couple of grades.

Hope that helps!

Blue





Between living and dreaming there is a third thing. Guess it.
— Antonio Machado