Akia
Akia stopped when she walked in. She had spent months training with George, but she’d never been invited into his apartment. They’d always met in one of the battle rooms or hung out in the lobby; never at each other's places. But seeing as the apartments were small and they barely had any furniture or possessions, it seemed almost pointless.
All of George's furniture was in one room. The kitchen was directly to the left as you walked in, filled with the most expensive of appliances. What George used them for, she had no idea. He wasn’t a cook by any means. To her right was furniture that really belonged in a bedroom. His bed, one that looked too small even to fit his tiny frame, was pushed into the corner with the dresser close by and a desk only a few paces away from that.
They squeezed through the crowded room until they reached the back where the couches were placed. One was against the back wall, leaning against the door to the bedroom, that obviously wasn’t used as one anymore, while the other was pushed against the adjacent wall.
“Sit.” George motioned to the couch in front of the bedroom door. Aidan plopped down and Akia followed suit. The cushions were hard and barely gave way when she sat. Why did he pick out these couches to begin with?
George joined them shortly after. He had gone into the kitchen for some reason. She saw him rummaging through a few drawers, but she had no guess as to what he was looking for. He came back empty handed. Pausing for a moment, he looked at the both of them. “You really do look like brother and sister.”
“Could be ‘cause we are,” Aidan responded with a grin. George’s tough exterior faltered for a bit, then broke down completely as he extended his hand to Aidan.
“Glad to see you again,” George said, the boys shaking hands. “It’s been a while.”
Akia looked between the both of them, obvious surprise etched across her face. “You two know each other?”
George nodded and sat on the empty couch. Akia waited for him to elaborate, but he didn’t. She wasn’t about to get a story out of him anytime soon.
The two boys got to talking and were soon in an intense conversation. Akia didn’t get a chance to add anything, so she tuned them out. George was rambling on about some journey that they took through the Daker mountains and Aidan was recounting the insane amount of effort it took them to get back home.
Akia racked her brain, trying to remember anything that George might’ve said about her brother. But there was nothing; she couldn’t remember any time Aidan’s name came up.
So why were the boys acting like they were best friends?
“Wait,” she said, interrupting them. They both froze and turned to look at her. “How do you two know each other?”
George opened his mouth, but Aidan was the one who answered. “Haven’t you been listening? We met in the Daker mountains. George was heading back to Lightport, I was heading to Sedula. Been friends ever since.”
Akia turned her attention to George. “Where were you coming back from? Phillip hasn’t sent anyone out of Lightport except for me and Sam.”
George narrowed his eyes. “You’re not the only one that Phillip trusts to get things done.”
Akia studied George. Where had all this hostility come from? He was never like this when they were younger.
She remembered the first time she had ever met George. He was twelve years old, tiny and scared, walking timidly down the hall, occasionally staring at the piece of paper in his hand. She could’ve smelled a newbie a mile away at that point.
Instead of cracking jokes and making fun of him like most others would’ve done, she took him under her wing and taught him everything she knew. It didn’t take them long to become friends. You just didn’t spend ten hours a day training and not become friends with your partner.
Throughout the entire process however, George had seemed quite happy and content. Sure he had been timid and scared to begin with, but he got used to the way things ran there and ended up fitting in quite nicely. When Akia left for Agathi, she had hugged George, a quiet, nice, ambitious boy, goodbye. Now she had come back to a snippy, angry teenager.
What had changed him?
“I know that,” she responded. “Phillip gave a lot of us different jobs. And as his second in command, I knew all of those jobs. Only reason I didn’t hear of yours was because I was in Agathi.”
George simply nodded and turned back to Aidan. “So, have anything to report?”
Aidan’s gaze flickered to Akia and back again. “Nothing. There was no trouble in the mountains or any by the caves.”
“The caves?” Akia couldn’t hide her surprise. “The Ethir Caves? You went by there?” Aidan nodded, forcing an eye roll out of her. “You are so stupid. You do know that that is were Rhys’s fortress is, right? Imagine if he had caught you! I don’t even want to think what he’d do to you.”
Akia didn’t even wait for a response. She pushed herself off of the couch and looked at the boys. “Thanks for inviting me along and all, but this really has absolutely nothing to do with me. So I’m gonna go back, find Falyn, and do the job that Phillip assigned to me. Because, as you put it, you’re not the only one that Phillip trusts to get things done.”
Without a backwards glance, she stalked out of the room. She half expected someone to follow her. George always cared too much about her. The chances of him following her to profusely apologize were high. And Aidan was her brother. He’d be out in the hallway in a flash.
But no one came. She leaned against the wall for a half minute, staring at her shoes, trying to decide if she should go back into the room or find Phillip and the others. It was a toss up. Every second they wasted having conversations and worrying about petty things, Rhys was working against them. Lightport had been able to avoid his wrath for the longest time. She knew their luck had to run out soon.
There was a jumble of voices behind the door across the hall. She knew that it wasn’t any of her business, but she couldn’t help eavesdropping.
“… nothing we can do. Go to… maybe?” A high pitched girl’s voice said. She sounded panicked. Whatever was going on, it wasn’t good.
“And say what? He left… the rules… can’t risk it.” This voice belonged to a boy. His voice sounded almost as high pitched as the girl’s, making Akia guess that he was around ten or eleven years old.
How early is Phillip recruiting now? Akia thought incredulously. It used to be just teenagers, kids over the age of thirteen. Now there were ten year olds. What kind of magic did they have exactly? They must’ve been beyond powerful if they were there. Magics didn't develop until the teenage years.
Just as Akia had decided to head to the battle room, the door to the room flung open. Out rushed the boy and the girl. The girl was tall and skinny and looked to be around twelve. Her short black hair barely covered half of her neck. Her green eyes widened in terror when she locked eyes with Akia. The boy looked just like her, except a little shorter. They looked as if they could've been twins.
They both had stopped dead in there tracks after seeing Akia. She wasn't sure exactly what to say without revealing that she was eavesdropping. So she decided to act friendly. “Hey. What’s the hurry? Not much going on around here lately.”
The girl looked at the boy nervously, probably deciding whether or not it was a good idea to talk. Of course they wouldn't want to tell her the truth. They had a secret to hide, she could see it in their eyes. She'd have to tread cautiously.
“I haven’t seen you around here before,” she said. “You new?”
The boy opened his mouth, but the girl cut him off. “Kinda. We’ve been here about seven months. I’m Terri. This is my cousin Bredin. Who are you?”
“Akia Noyes.”
Terri’s eyebrows shot straight up. Her eyes widened and she looked almost pale, sick to her stomach. Akia was confused. She didn’t know what to do. So she stood solid in her spot and stared them down.
Throwing caution to the wind she said, “I heard the conversation going on in there.” She motioned to their door. She expected for one of them to get defensive and deny the conversation, but neither of them moved. “What was that all about?”
“Uh – nothing, ma’am. It was just… um… a game we were playing,” Terri responded.
Akia was so stunned from being called ma’am that she couldn’t react to the blatantly obvious lie that the girl had just told. Akia knew that she was well known in Lightport, what with working closely with Phillip and everything, but she didn’t expect to be treated so formally. After all, she was one of them, working towards defeating Rhys. What had she done to deserve the title of ma’am?
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For the LMS contest. Word count: 1,581
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
Hello, Noelle! KatyaElefant here for another review! GUESS WHAT? This is going to be my 200th review! I am super pumped about this! Let us get reviewing!
This ending was really good and I'm really impressed with this chapter with the exception of the sentence structure that seems to ruin everything!
Wait? All of what happened in the previous chapter is in the future or is it right where they are at the door? XD All these varied times really are confusing for me. Maybe you devise a plan so that it is easier for the reader to figure out what time it is. I see you connect all these events with something from a previous chapter(like a line or a feature) but you only see that later so you are confused the whole chapter until you get to that point so it is a bit confusing. If you could find a way to transition to characters in a different area like you did previously, then I think you would not be confusing the readers at all and you would be on a roll!
HA HA! They were in the Ethir Caves, the place where Rhys's base is. I wonder why there were there? Hmm... Let's see... They probably got captured and so they have to work for Rhys now. Nothing suspicious. No foreshadowing there. NU UH! NOTHING THERE!
Sentence Structure.
YOU DIDN'T END WITH A CLIFFHANGER! Good for you! I am so proud of you! Here you get a golden star!
Keep calm and keep writing
KatyaElefant
Congrats on your 200th review!!
Thank you! I had to use those pictures because pictures are the best and I need to celebrate!
Hey Noelle! I, knight r4 have returned from my long absence on the field of battle to review this work! I am sure it is as wonderful as the rest! I would continue prasing your writing, but I am afraid that won't help you improve, so now for the review!
I like how you have a good amount of good description here! I wish I could right mre description in my writing, but I think think that the "was" is a little to generic and ordinary. I think you could come up with something more subtle.Why? Why must you always keep us in the dark? I'm also not sure whether it is grammatically propert to begin dialogue with an ellipse.
You know when I read this I just realized I never knew Akia's last name! This is the first time you mentioned it, to my knowledge unless you did it in the begining, which you might want to think about. If you already mentioned it you can ignore this.
I think you might want to take this part out because it sounded rather silly to me. Officers in the military get called Sir or Ma'am all the time and people use it in formal ocassions for ordinary people all the time. I don't really think it is out of the ordinary that much.
Anyways, I liked this chapter. I think it might help Akia find out that Aidan is really bad! It looks like George is evil too. I am excited to see how things turn out. It looks like their Mir be some treachery too, perhaps...
Hey, Noelle! Wolf here for a review.
It looks like George isn't the only one keeping secrets. One thing I'll never understand about young children is why they don't think it's okay to find an adult. The whole 'don't snitch' thing is always back by an empty threat. Guess it's enough for their tiny little minds to fear it enough to stay quiet.
So one thing I haven't applauded you enough for is how much we learn about Akia and Falyn. Even though this is a third person perspective, you do a really nice job of showing us Akia's thoughts and worries, what she does and thinks about evenly. The ending especially was a really nice touch. Of course Akia is the one supposably destined to lead the charge against Rhys, and maybe she feels sort of useless because of that? She's got all these great powers but she's only the babysitter, nurturing her until she can learn to fly. She doesn't quite feel worthy and I like that self doubt. Nice touch.
I wonder why Aiden brought Akia along to George's apartment. It doesn't make any sense. If he was just going to go to catch up then why does he need her there? Maybe he was trying to show her that he's going to be around George to talk more instead of plotting. *nudge, nudge* I'll never know. Anyways. Wonderful chapter as always and I'm very excited for more! Onward! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare~
Hello Noelle! I think I'm finally back; I'm going to get up to chapter 29 if it kills me!!! By the way, happy Review Day!
I love the names you choose. I just LOVE them. I like that you do have such odd names for this novel, because, well, it is a fantasy world ( unless it really is real... >.> Noelle, is there something you want to tell us? ).
I kind of really like you showing us how George and Akia's brother are tight... The only thing I found not so good about this was that here's Aidan taking her sister to Georges place, supposedly for a reason ( I got the feeling that there was something important he wanted to tell her, or show her, or something ), but he brings her there, and than basically just hangs out with George ( which I seem to remember Akia mentioning, too ).
I guess I don't really get the point of this chapter. Other than the fact that we learned that Akia is well respected in Lightport, and Phillip's group; we don't really get a lot of information about anything here. Maybe we do, I don't know.
I'm going to say good bye for now, and see you at the next chapter ( because my brains not really thinking on here anymore ).
Timmy here
So after reading Deanie's review, I don't really know what to add. Her review is very detailed about the issues with this chapter and everything... so I don't really know what I can say both good and bad for your chapters here. I think I shall try, anyway, because that is my job. But, really, I think you have so many reviewers here already, I am probably wasting my breath and just repeating what the previous reviewers said.
Here's hoping I give you something the others haven't yet!
Right when I get into the chapter, I spotted some redundancy. Not anything to die over or go facepalming for the next decade, but you have a teensy bit with the word, furniture. Why don't you go take a look at thesaurus.com or some other website. When I have a word that repeats itself over and over, I usually just do some looking up and just substitute stuff around - not necessarily change the wording whatsoever.
Really, for you and what I have read of your book so far, I thought the description of his place was a little bland. Almost like someone was picking up a blueprint of a house and just reading off what they saw. This was over here, this was over here, and this was that far away. Not too bad, but I have seen you describe so much stuff so much better. I think you can really make that image come to life. Just work with it and tweak, and I think you'll make it much better.
Baaaaad Noelle. When you ask a question like this, the reader is going to want the answer - even if it has absolutely no bearing on the story. I would have liked to see some an answer for that question, myself.
I don't actually like the "opened his mouth" because it seems somewhat bland compared to what you can do, but you also repeat yourself with this, because that is what you write each time she asks a question like this.
Going by technicalities, A shouldn't be capitalized - but just wittle. Same sentence.
Well, girl, you are the second in command and they're twelve. DuhhhhI don't think I will comment on Akia's character in this chapter, as Deanie has done a gooood job pointing out what you need to work on in this chapter, and I think I would only be repeating what she said if I attempted to give you my own version. But I like George. Oh, yes. I like him because he is terrible. In some ways, he reminds me of a "good" Rhys. Childhood friends and all that, and then their friendship sort of goes blooey as they grow apart. Or, in this case, it doesn't seem as much as they grew apart, but more like George just changed and acted differently to her, so she is more reserved to him now. I mean, I dun like him at all, and that's wonderful. We need a character on the good side where we have problems keeping our hands away from his neck. There needed to be some tension in their little group besides Rhys and his inevitable doom, so I think you did an amazing job with the bringing in of him.
Now I am left wondering what is going on with these two kids and everything. They lied to her face... why? I mean, if she demands that much respect from them, I would think they would have told the truth. So there must be a big reason for this madness from them. xD
Only one more to go! Then I am caught up and I can finally wear the shades.
~Darth Timmyjake
Hi Noelle!
We're also getting to see more and more of George's character, and the more I see the less I like him and think he's on the evil side. Urgh, George ><
I am not quite sure what to make of this chapter. I didn't really like it, but then at the same time it's kind of that annoying feeling because I am not quite sure why... I am going to try my best and figure it out while I write this review because I know it is frustrating when someone doesn't like something you did but can't even explain why
It's always good to see things from Akia's point of view, as always. It's strange that she doesn't want to go see Phillip, in my opinion, and get updated on everything she has missed and has been going on while she was in Agathi. But then again, I don't really blame her for wanting to tail her long lost brother as well. It would only make sense
Secretly I love that you have made a character we're allowed to hateBut what I found really weird (and I suppose this is what I didn't like about the chapter) is that Akia's actions don't seem to match what she would usually do. She's seems... out of character here. I will show you some moments where I find this to be. I just always saw her as someone focused, alert, tough on the outside and ready for anything.
Would Akia really tune them out? She's knows she's lacking information, and she seems like the kind of person who would be bothered by knowing she was left out of information as well. I also feel like she would want to know what they were talking about, and wouldn't simply tune them out because she doesn't understand it. She wants to understand, and someone like Akia knows she will only get there by listening. Now she is your character, so you probably know her better than me, but I found it was a bit odd.
And then again, when she stalks out and starts eavesdropping on the two children. Yes, she is trying to gather information on her own accord and that does sound like something Akia would do. But why didn't she think of eavesdropping on George and Aidan? After someone stalks out of the room, the conversation usually turns to said person. I thought Akia might've been clever enough to linger there and listen, especially as she was waiting for someone to follow her out there. I originally thought she was eavesdropping on them when you mentioned her doing so anyway
I am not sure how I feel about these new characters, but they do bring in a new element of mystery. I wonder what they are talking about? I just felt like the mystery between Aidan and George to these twins was a bit of a quick jump, and I would've liked something in between so that we weren't thinking about what either of these conversations could mean.
Otherwise there really isn't much for me to say. I am sorry I didn't like it much, but that has nothing to do with your writing style, which was definitely perfect, as always. And I am sure things will pick right back up in part two of this chapter. I can't wait to get reading, so keep it up ^^
Deanie x
Thank you soooo much! You've definitely given me stuff to think about. It's okay that you don't like it 'cause I totally hate it xD This'll definitely be a chapter that needs a lot of work.
Hey!! Sorry I haven't reviewed this earlier, but I was on a trip with almost zero internet connection. I don't have a lot to say about this chapter; it was very well written, so there's no complaints there. But...this chapter just seemed sooo....pointless. (for lack of a better word). Idk, I'm also really tired, so my brain isn't working well, but I seemed to get nothing out of it. I
don't know where you plan to go with this, but not a lot happened, and it didn't really give a lot of information... I think I'll come back to it tomorrow, and then maybe I can help after a good night's sleep...
Man, I was afraid that it was getting to that point. Drat. Thanks for pointing it out though, really. I want to know how all of this is coming across to my awesome, wonderful readers
*returns to the drawing board* Oh wait, I don't have one. Um... *awkward exit* xD
No problem! And trust me, I know the feeling... :/
Hey, happy review day! This review is brought to you by Wicked Squids.
But seeing as the apartments were small and they barely had any furniture or possessions, it seemed almost pointless. There isn't anything super wrong with this sentence but I'm not a fan of sentences that start with the word but so it's more of a pet peeve rather then something that was wrong.
“Could be ‘cause we are,” Aidan responded with a grin. George’s tough exterior faltered for a bit, then broke down completely as he extended his hand to Aidan. I'm not sure why but I really enjoy this interaction. I guess it's just the sincerity of it all as well as the realness.
I loved the thoughts that the character had throughout the story so it really gave the reader a look into her mindset. The more we know about the character, the more we're able to relate to the things that are happening.
I can't really think of much else to say about the chapter. I think that you did a great job at this and I look forward to reading more from you. And once again, this review has been brought to you by the wicked squids. Let's keep going!
Hey there. Sorry to jump in without having read the other stuff, but I'll try to still be helpful.
If you delete, "from that" the sentence still makes sense, and in novels, every word counts.Let's start with the nitpicks:
You could make this stronger and use less words by turning it into a question. Ex: "Had George ever said anything about her brother?" Not that you've also have to change the comma to a period.
There are two things I would like to point out with this sentence. Both of them relate to the ever fun words, "Show, don't tell." or as I like to call it SDT(not to be confused with STDs, of course)
1. Thesis statements: while they're great in essays, in fiction they again pull your readers of the of the story. They also act as spoilers in a story. They tell us what's going to happen in the next paragraph, which destroys so potential tension in your story. If you find you really a thesis statement, trying putting it at the end of the paragraph.
2.Thought verbs. Thought verbs pull your reader out of the story. They remind the reader that the story is fiction, it's not real, when you want them as invested in the world as possible. Sometimes you have to use them for clarity or brevity's sake, but if it's at all possible, don't use them. Examples are well, thought, remembered, imagined, knew, realized, desired, etc...
The nice thing is, you can easily get rid of both these problems with a simple fix to this sentence. *Drumroll pease* "The first time she ever met George he was twelve years old, tiny and scared, walking timidly down the hall, occasionally staring at the piece of paper in his hand." See? We get rid of this pesky thought verb and we jump right into the meat of the paragraph without being slowed(I tried to write slown, but realized that wasn't a word) down by a thesis statement.
really though, this was a nice, smooth read. I hard a really hard time finding things to critique. Even though I knew nothing about the world, your characters were developed enough that I wasn't lost, and interesting enough to keep me reading. It's also awesome that you still have urgent conflict present this far into your story.
Happy writing!
-Art
I didn't really understand what was going on, but the writing was wonderful, so good job.
Hello! A quick disclaimer that I haven't read any of the previous chapters so if I say something and you think you've covered it earlier, please feel free to ignore me.
As far as a first sentence goes, this is bland when it doesn't have to be. Where does she stop? In the doorway? Next to the standing lamp? Use this sentence to give us some detail of the room right from the start so that we can begin to visualise it. The stopped and walked in are also contradictory and confuse the reader. Did she stop before walking in or while walking in and if the latter how far did she get? Maybe something like: 'Akia paused in the doorway as she looked around the room' or 'Akia stopped by a small end table as plain and serviceable as the rest of the furniture in the room.'Specifics
1.
2. Rather than describe where the furniture is and then say they squeezed through the room, try to combine the two to give us a sense of real time and to bring us closer to the action. Describe Akira pressing herself against the expensive kitchen equipment as she skirts around the bed behind her. That will also lessen the feeling that you've got description and then action which is an old way of writing that most modern authors try to avoid. The trend at the moment is to describe while moving and to always have the character and their thoughts and actions in profile.
3. Why is all the furniture in one room? Is Akira confused by this or does she know the answer? At the moment we're getting the narrator's thoughts on this when we should be seeing the room through Akira's eyes and have her thoughts colouring the objects. If she doesn't know why the furniture is all in one room, I want to feel her confusion and that will make her more relatable because the reader is also confused. She also can't label something as a 'bedroom door' because she hasn't been to the apartment before so for all she knows that door leads to the bathroom or even out of the apartment and into a hallway. That door is just a door to her.
4. This is a little clumsy. Perhaps something like: 'Akia looked between them, her dark brows rising in surprise.' or 'Akira looked between them, her blue eyes widening in surprise'. It sounds more natural than etched across her face and gives us a specific action to imagine, as well as a detail about her features. Even if we already know her eye colour, it's good to have a reminder. Read Harry Potter and count how many times Rowling tells us that he has his dad's unruly black hair but his mother's green eyes.
5.
Overall
I think you do a good job of giving us information in this chapter without info dumping - there's some very nice dialogue which makes it feel natural and not clunky. However, there's not much of a sense of atmosphere. I didn't get a strong feeling for the apartment they were in and when she exited to the hallway, I didn't know what to visualise at all. Plain wallpaper or coloured, dimly lit or bright? It doesn't need to be more than a sentence or description or a tag here and there, but setting is very important and unless the hallway was described in the previous chapter, you should give us a few basics.
The other thing was the characterisation. I didn't get a feel for Aidan's character at all so maybe a little bit more of an awareness of him. The focus on George gives us some good details about who he is, but the other character shouldn't be left out entirely. When there are only two people in a room with you, it's unlikely that you don't notice the mood/ personality of one.
Best of luck with the story and thanks for the read!
Heather xx
There comes a point where someone's writing is so good, there's almost nothing to criticise. This is one of those moments. To commemorate, I made you a sandwich. It is anything you want it to be.
But seriously, great writing! And you say I'm good... sheesh...