Falyn
Up until that very moment, Falyn thought that being denied for extra schooling was the worst thing that could’ve happened to her. But once the hooded man from the market showed up at her house, extra schooling seemed like such a small problem.
Sam had left almost the second they reached the market again.
“I’ve have to – well – I’ve gotta go,” he had said. Gripping her shoulders, he directed her eyes to his. She knew that she was blushing uncontrollably, but Sam didn’t seem to notice. “Go straight home. Keep your head down and don’t stop for anyone. Got it?”
Once she agreed, Sam ran off in the opposite direction. She debated calling out after him or following him, but she knew that he wouldn’t appreciate it. Something was definitely going on. And until she found out the truth, she was gonna stay out of it.
So she followed Sam’s instructions and hurried home. She could feel everyone rushing past her as she cut through the market. Every time there was the tiniest of noises, she jumped. She couldn’t help it. Her heart was already racing at a hundred miles an hour. Sweat was dripping down her face. It was more than she could handle.
By the time she cleared the market she was sprinting. The city loomed over her as she slowed to a walk. There were plenty of places to hide in the city; alleyways and sheds.
The city was more like a populated countryside than an actual city. From what Falyn had read, cities were large areas with crowded streets and walkways. But the city she lived in was nothing like that.
There were houses bunched together in tiny cul-de-sacs. Each one looked the same. They all had white siding and brown roofs. A few were different sizes, but they were mostly all the same. And Falyn hated it. Where was the variety? She wanted to see yellow houses and blue houses; large houses and small. It was boring to be the same.
Her house was in the middle of the city. She turned down her street and headed to the very end. She waved to Mrs. Anderson who always came out to sit on her front porch from exactly five to six o’clock. Mr. Keller waved to her as he got the mail from his mailbox. And little Hallie Keller hid behind her daddy as Falyn passed. She couldn’t help smiling to herself. This was her life; and it was wonderful.
When she made it to her house, she inserted the key into the lock and turned. It clicked and the door swung open and she stepped into an empty house.
“Dad,” she called out hopefully. “I’m home!” But there was no response. Sighing, she headed into the kitchen.
He must have to work overtime today. She thought. Sure enough, there was a note on the kitchen table.
Falyn – I’ll be at work tonight. Something happened at the market today and the person got away. I don’t know when I’ll be home. Make sure to get your homework done. There’s dinner in the fridge. Love you honey!
Falyn ripped the paper into tiny little shreds and threw them into the trash. She hated when her dad had to work overtime. It ended up being almost every night. But he was the head chief of the Protection Force so she could understand why. The city needed him.
But she needed him too. Ever since her mom moved out, it was just the two of them. They had learned how to live without her and had become really close. She looked forward to coming home and getting a bear hug from her dad. She looked forward to the movie marathons with boxes of pizza to stuff in their mouths on Saturday nights.
The phone suddenly rang out through the house, making Falyn jump. She rushed over and picked it up off the wall.
“Hello?”
“Oh my God, Falyn, are you okay?”
“Hey, Mina.”
“Are you okay?” She repeated, a slight panic in her voice.
“Yeah,” Falyn responded, confused. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“I heard about what happened at the market.”
Oh, so word had gotten around then. Falyn’s mind went in twenty different directions. How was the Protection Force handling it? How big of an issue was it exactly? And was her name linked with the story?
“Mina, I’m—”
“I should’ve gone with you,” Mina said, her voice exploding through the receiver. Falyn had to pull the phone away from her ear for a second. “I should have—then maybe—nothing should’ve happened.”
“Mina,” Falyn said, trying to calm her friend down. But she could barely get a word in.
“You could’ve gotten hurt! They say it was a Seer. But that’s impossible, right? They can’t make it over the river. You stayed out of the way though, right? I hope you got out of there before anything happened.”
So her name wasn’t a part of the story. It was a huge relief; a great weight off of her shoulders.
“Yeah, I got out a while before that. I didn’t even see what happened.”
“Listen, I’m coming over.”
“No, Mina, you really don’t—”
“I’m coming,” she said firmly. “We still need to talk about this extra schooling crap.” Extra schooling. Falyn had nearly forgotten about that. She was too busy focusing on what had happened at the market that extra schooling didn’t seem like such a big deal anymore.
“Fine,” she said. “I’ll see you soon?”
“Ten minutes.” There was a click and Falyn knew that Mina was gone. She’d be here soon whether Falyn was happy about it or not. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to see Mina. They were really close after all. But she just wanted to be alone.
The second she put down the phone, someone knocked on the door. Thinking nothing of it, Falyn started towards the door. But she stopped herself before she got to the door. She wasn’t expecting anyone. Mina wouldn’t be there for a while.
The knocking turned into pounding fast. And all Falyn could do was stand and stare as the door collapsed in on itself.
He was standing where the door used to be; the man from the market. His hood was lowered and Falyn could see his face. It was a pale white color, almost like a sheet. His red eyes stood out even more against his skin, sending a chill down her spine.
Once the shock had worn off, she turned and ran towards the back of the house. She screamed as the wall exploded behind her. Chunks of drywall flew over and around her. Covering her head with her hands, she ran through the kitchen and hid behind the couch in the living room.
Quietly, she slowed her breathing and composed herself. The man was still back in the hallway. He wasn’t anywhere close.
Suddenly, she heard the squeak of a shoe in front of the couch. Lifting her feet, she kicked the couch away from her. She heard a grunt as it hit the man, sending him backwards.
Leaping up, she grabbed a painting off the wall and sent it hurdling end over end toward the man. But before it reached him, it disintegrated in an explosion of green light. When the light cleared, Falyn found the man staring at her once again, his hand raised. She ducked just as a stream of green light hit the wall behind her.
A hurtful scream escaped her lips as more drywall rained down on her head. She used her arms as a barrier, trying to protect herself.
Just as the onslaught of drywall stopped, the couch she was using as a shield met the same fate as the painting. Now there was nothing between her and the man. His palm was out, pointing directly at her. Her heart raced as a small ball of red light grew in his hand.
There was nothing left that she could do. She closed her eyes and clenched her fists to keep them from shaking. If she was going to die, she wanted it to be quick and unexpected.
She sat there for what felt like several minutes, but everything was silent. No magic passed by her. Why was the man hesitating? He should just get it over with.
When she opened her eyes, she saw him standing there, frozen. The magic was still shimmering in his hand. There was no wind, no birds chirping from outside; no noise at all.
Hesitantly, Falyn stood up. She took small, careful moves in case the man decided to attack. But as she stepped to the right, he didn’t move. His hand was still pointed at the spot she had been sitting. It confused her. Shouldn’t he be following her?
Suddenly there was a loud bang from down the hall. Voices filled the house.
“Twenty ways, Zeke. Twenty different ways that I can kill you.” A girl shouted.
“I did nothing wrong.”
“I didn’t say you could transport us! How did you know where to go?”
“Reading waves isn’t just your specialty.”
“Guys,” another voice interrupted, one Falyn recognized as Sam’s. “We’re here for Falyn right? Stop arguing and let’s find her.”
“I’m here!” Falyn shouted, not able to keep quiet any longer. “Here in the living room.”
She heard feet pounding against the wood floors. Sam was the first one to turn the corner into the room. Falyn relaxed at the sight of him. At last she was safe.
A large gust of wind rushed through the house, disturbing a pile of drywall next to her feet. Green light flashed through the house, disintegrating yet another wall.
The man turned and faced them. He looked around for a second before starting towards Falyn. She took a step back, running into Sam. He gripped her shoulders, holding her steady.
Before the man could take another step, the girl from the market rushed in front of Falyn and tackled the man. She placed her hand on his chest as he struggled against her. Soon enough, he stopped struggling and lay still. The girl lifted her hand and waved it in a zig-zag motion, making ropes appear, wrapping their way around the man’s body.
Getting up, she turned to face Falyn and held out her hand. “I’m Akia. Nice to meet you.” Falyn stretched out her hand and shook Akia’s tentatively. “We need to get you out of here.”
“Why?”
“Ask questions later,” Akia said. “All you need to know is that you’re in danger.”
“I don’t want to go anywhere,” Falyn snapped. “I wanna stay here.”
“More will come,” Akia shouted, pointing to the man lying on the ground. “Do you want that? We can keep you safe.”
“Falyn, what happened?!”
Everyone turned to see Mina standing in what used to be the doorway of the living room. She was scanning the scene, her eyes wide open in fright.
Falyn ran to her and gave her a hug. “I’m fine. Everyone is fine.” She pulled away and looked her best friend in the eyes. “You need to get out of here. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Come on,” Akia said, grabbing Falyn’s arm and pulling her away. “We need to go.” Falyn smiled sadly at Mina as she followed Akia into the hallway. She figured she wouldn’t argue with Akia anymore. As long as Sam came along, she’d feel safe.
“Wait!” Mina raced after them, catching them before they headed out the front of the house. “Let me come with you.”
Falyn turned to Akia, pleading with her silently. She didn’t want to leave Mina here worrying about her. Besides, the entire neighborhood would be wondering what was going on. Mina would be at the center of attention if they left her.
Akia looked at Sam and sighed. “Damn it. I don’t like traveling in big numbers. But if you want Mina to come she can. Now let’s get out of here.”
---------------------------
For the LMS contest. Word count: 2,005. Sorry, couldn't get under 2,000 words
End of chapter
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Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review! Let us see what we have here!
That first line was just the most cheesy line ever. XD As soon as I read the first part of the sentence, I automatically knew what the second part would say. I don't know if I like it or if it's too cheesy. If anything, I can conclude this novel is structured like a young adult novel. You could show some of the things in this chapter rather than saying it. I wish something major happened but you can't have every chapter with something interesting(or CAN YOU???)
I really don't have much to say that is bad so I'm going to go ahead and tell you all the great things that you did. You are really great at organizing the paragraphs so that they are not too long. I really need something to fan girl about(more ships perhaps?). I find the last part humorous where Akia looks at Sam and complains about all the competition she has for Sam. Fayln isn't really a favorite perspective of mine because it is so cliche sticking with the person who doesn't know anything and has the secret gift or talent. I really liked it when we were with Akia and you really didn't know what she was going to do. Even with this, you still made the story pretty interesting. Your imagery is pretty good this chapter but as usual, you need more descriptive adjectives. Anyways, great job! Keep calm and keep writing!
Hey, Noelle! The last review I gave you was fewer than forty eight hours ago! So... that's good, right? So... I think I spoiled the ship for myself, so... that happened. Also, I have been fangirling about this novel, and wondering what is going to happen, and waiting when I could read it next. Then it hit me, I have a loooot to catch up on. So I will catch up!
One more thing, does one review every one to two day work for you?Same as last time: I'm reviewing as I read, so some of the paragraphs I will be clueless, others I will an all knowing god/dess. HAHAHA.Yay! From the view point of Falyn again! Yes!
Not that I didn't like Akia...Also, Falyn, being denied schooling is not the worst thing when you are the moonstar that is being attacked and one of the main characters of one of Noelle's novels. *shudders* That just spells out doom.That's a lot of she's... Don't ya think? I almost lost track of her name for a moment. Perhaps change one or more of those pronouns to Falyn? However, this is just a suggestion.
Oh... so she read about cities in a book. *cough*nerd*cough*
Mina's reaction was understandable and realistic. She wanted to see if her friend was alright, then regret hits. Even though we do not see through her own eyes, we get a little insight on her personality. Also, the dialogue was used to give a bit of information. Sneaky, sneaky... So know we know that Seers aren't supposed to cross the river, I want to know what river. This has sparked a lot of interest.
Thank goodness her name is not connected to anything. Imagine life after being on the news in a major event. Everyone calling her, people recognizing her in the streets... WAIT. One of Falyn's problems is that her extra schooling may be denied... If that was public... >:] One of the problem would be (hopefully solved). Again, I ask your permission to write fanfiction of your story.
Nooo! Man, get out of her house! Stay away from the moonstar!
Well, that's all I have to say for this chapter! Keep on writing!
~Rae,
Timmy here!
This will be a short review, because there isn't much more I think I can say to add onto what your other awesome reviewers have already stated. But I shall try!
So this beginning sentence of the chapter is no good for an opener. And it's vague - very vague. And it's confusing. Look at it. So you are saying, up until that very moment. Well, the reader has no idea what moment you are talking about, because it's been a long chapter since we were at Falyn's perspective, so we are still concentrated on Akia and her problems. So a smoother transition would be nice, and one that doesn't refer to something we don't understand. I mean, what moment are you talking about? We don't learn what moment she is referring to until the next sentence, and until then we are confused. So a teensy issue, but one of the only ones I could find in this perfection.
PASSIVE VOICE ALERT. BEE-DO BEE-DO BEE-DO So instead of was dripping - which is passive voice- you should aim to keep with the active voice, which would be dripped.
Contradicting sentences. Size makes a difference for looks too, ya know. So the first sentence kind of contradicts the third... Just a little bit.
She wouldn't be married to Mr. Anderson, would she? O_o
I believe that, as a rule, Em-dashes are meant to be worded so that if you removed them from the sentence, and everything inside them, the sentence would flow through beautifully without a hitch. Do that to this sentence, and it flops completely. Perhaps re-word that?
I agree with Messenger on this one. Though this chapter was long - at least for a YWS piece - it read quickly and was super fun to read. Your style is improving in just these four chapters I have been
stalkingfollowing your book in. Loving that.The entire piece seemed to revolve around Falyn, but then not... I mean, there was a lot going on in this chapter which diverted my attention from Falyn and herself - rather than merely the action around her. Her friend Mina seems to be everywhere and a true friend, not caring about danger but just wanting to be their for Falyn. And Akia just seems really bad-ass. I mean, reading through this, I almost go the feeling she was a superwoman of some sorts - especially because the man didn't struggle when she grabbed him. I don't know if that is your intent, but if it isn't... then perhaps you should take a peek at her action scenes. Give her weaknesses - remember. Make her fights difficult, too - remember. Every character needs to be deep, filled with pits and flaws, and on a whole, just needs to be relatable. So far I don't actually see anything relatable for me in her character, really - or at least not as much as the other characters. I did find the man who crept into her living room quite... intimidating. He seemed to pose quite the threat there for a moment, and I was worried for Falyn (who right now just seems like a weak and ignorant city girl?) until Akia and Sam showed up to show the guy who was boss. That part was awesome.
Looking forward to chapter five!
~Darth Timmyjake
Heeey I am back after a brief break. For GREEEEEEN SAAAAAAALSAAAAA!!
So she jumped the whole way home? SHE'S IN A MARKET NOELLE THERE IS ALWAYS NOISE! XDD
I did know you were aspiring to be a writer like Dr. Seuss.
Wait, that was the longest chapter yet? Hmm, it felt like one of the short ones. >.> anyways, hee hee hee you went 5 over LOL
So, this chapter I felt had a better-written action scene. The only problem I spotted was when Falyn ran into the living room. It just felt weird. The way you wrote it took all the dangerous heart-beating action out of it, just for a moment. Then it was okay after that. These Seers are dangerous, but I am confused at to why the guy didn't vanish again. If Akia jumps on them can she stop them from doing it? Because in chapter 3 you said that she jumped on him because she knew he would disappear. Plothole?
not much else to say. But I wish Mina would leave. She's really annoying *hides* >..> So yeah, I think that's it!
~Messenger
Allright, here again!
I have to say that I'm impressed. This is by far the best chapter you have written. I didn't notice typos. No bad-written paragraph or sentences, noting is written slopily. It's all fine, and i enjoyed it.
I'd like to point out the way you connected the two chapters was brilliant. Also learning of her father seemed as important.
Last, the action here is amazing. You didn't seem to write action as well in the previous chapters, even though there wasn't many. I felt chills when there was nothing between Falyn and the hooded guy.
-Alchemist
Hi! Oh my goodness. This is amazing! I can't wait to read more. I love your building of the plot. It's great how you've been able to move it along. Some people kind of drag it out, while you keep it quickly going on, yet you don't rush it. Your dialogue is awesome, it's so natural. Your formatting is great. I love how you're forming the different characters, and the magic is amazing. I still wonder on how, but it's interesting. I was a tiny bit upset that you threw a cuss word in that the end. I mean, the whole story, there's been no hint of that, and now you just toss it in there. A bit confusing. One thing that kind of needs improvement is that we still don't know a lot of what's going on. I think by chapter four we should know a little more of the background. Other than that, great job, and keep writing!
Hey Noelle!

Yay! I am all caught up to the final chapter
This was so interesting! We get to see Mina come in the story (I'm so glad Falyn has a mate there with her, wherever they are going,) and you've left me curious to see where they are headed! I have a feeling there are going to be a lot of explanations in store for us in the near future chapters...
I really do like you style when it comes to writing. I can tell you do a lot of the show not tell. We can see Falyn's through her frustration as she rips the paper in two and Mina's anxiety for her friend as she babbles over without a breath for a break. However, what I would like to know more about would be Fayln's emotions and thoughts! Yes, we can see is frustrated through her actions, but maybe she would recall a memory of the nights she was alone on the sofa, watching a movie because there was nothing to do without her father or something. Also, maybe she feels a bit of competitive when she sees Akira, who apparently knows Sam so well but she has never met herself. Maybe she blushes at the thought of competition and feels like shrinking smaller. You tell us Fayln is smiling sadly as Mina is being left behind, but tell us that her heart is breaking a little as she sees her hopeless face disappear as they turn a corner. I love your ability to show us all we need to see through actions and all, but it would be nice for some more emotion to be added in there too. You've got plenty of opportunities in this chapter to include it
Ooh which reminds me I really loved how you described the setting in there, and how Falyn was tired of everything being the same old and similar. To be honest, Falyn seems to love and hate her life, happy and content with the kindess of those around her but bored with the world she lives in, wanting to explore the unknown. Maybe if you dedicated a paragraph to her thoughts and feelings on that, it would be nice. Also, Fayln has always wanted to go to where the Seers come from yes? Across the waters? It might be cool if for a moment Fayln imagines that they would be going there instead... so it brings back up her wanting to travel the unknown but doesn't deviate the focus from what's happening in the story for the time being.
Do you mean the kicking turned into fast pounding? Or the knocking quickly accelerated into pounding? This line was a bit confusing.
So Zeke was the one who transported them? And the way he says 'you're not the only one who can pick up waves' makes it sound like he has the same powers as they do! Which would be understandable if he was experienced in it, but from the way you described him before he didn't seem like he knew what was happening at all with the frozen world and Akia freeing herself from the ropes. So shouldn't he be more in the state of confusion as to what happened just now, and not knowing what he did himself? Or maybe he does know and I'm wrong... in that case in the previous chapter you should make him sound less puzzled and more thoughtful... wondering if they were the same as he was in powers or whatever.
I am so looking forwards to know how Fayln can manipulate time and all the other things I am puzzled about being unraveled soon! The suspense... Your pacing in the story is superb as well, which gives me enough information to understand what I'm supposed to understand from what I'm reading and yet captures me in the action and tension as well. Loving the characters... Akira seems like such a leader and Sam such a loyal friend as well.
As always, let me know when the next post is up on my wall!
Deanie x
Hello my precious! ( Watched The Desolation of Smaug the other night... so that's all going through my mind, again, sorry. )
So let's get down to things, shall we?
I don't think that this is too rushed, as you asked. The only thing about it that feels rushed to me is that the characters are not that developed. I get the feeling like "oh my gosh! I'm being pulled into this story with a bunch of strangers!" They're almost completely unpredictable... the most we know is a slight inkling of the past of a few.
So my suggestion would be to sit a couple of them down, and have a little chat. How will so-an-so react to thus-an-such. Who tends to daydream, whine, or make rude jokes? This we need to know, or if not need would really like to know.
The thing is; going on an adventure with people you hardly know, is terribly scary, and it's also a bad idea. Who knows what these people are like?! Should I root for them?! They could be dangerous, might have even committed crimes!
So that could be taking it a bit far, but I think I'm clear now? I think it would be best if you gave us a minute alone with your characters... for just a short time, before all the action happens.
I guess we do know them alright, but a little more would be nice.
I thought you did a lot better this time, in respect to imagery. I found myself seeing a whole lot more; I tip my hat to you, dear sir.
This paragraph has 'door' three times in it. The word 'it' feels rejected! Then I noticed you used 'door' in the next two paragraphs as well!
Honestly, I have the same problem... I tend to use 'floor', 'walls', 'room' and 'couch' like I have a contract with the dictionary.
Sometimes you have to replace the word you want to use, with a small, boring, worn-out word such as 'it' or if you can alter the sentence to accommodate a 'there', good for you. Sadly, in writing, you have to do somewhat stupid things, to please the reader's eyes. It's painful, but it makes a pretty story.
I love this! I'm starting to see why you like Akia so much!! She kind of reminds me of my best friend... the way she talks. O.O
Keep being awesomeness!
-Socks