Falyn
All Falyn saw when she opened her eyes was a gray wall. The paint was peeling, making way for the molding material underneath. The wall was dripping with condensation from somewhere she couldn’t see. Even in the dim lighting, she could see a tiny spider making its way toward the ceiling.
She rolled over and groaned. Her head hurt so and she was having trouble wrapping her mind around one coherent thought. Where was she? What was going to happen to her now? What was going to happen to Lightport?
“Oh look, she’s awake. Such a help she was keeping us out of danger.” That was Akia. No one else would’ve been so cynical.
“Leave her alone,” Mina responded quietly. “We were both blindsided. There wasn’t much chance to fight.” That was the last thing Falyn expected Mina to say. After their argument the night before, she thought she had lost a friend forever.
Akia huffed and leaned her head back against the wall. Her eyes were pointed at the ceiling. “We need to find a way out. Fast. Rhys is out there with at least half of his Warriors. I teamed up with George and Sam out there before I got captured and I don’t know how long they’ll be able to hold ‘em off.”
Falyn shot a nervous look at Mina. How was it that Akia didn’t know about George? It seemed like she’d be one of the first person he’d reveal his true self to, just to rub it in her face. The news hadn’t traveled yet which meant that Akia’s heart wasn’t broken. She was just as strong as ever.
“Akia, there’s something you have to know,” Mina started.
“We’ll get you out of here.” Falyn interrupted. She returned Mina’s glare, hoping she’s understand and play along. If they were going to get out of here – wherever that was – and live to fight, they’d need Akia at her full strength. Revealing George as a traitor would only hurt her heart and knock her down.
“We need a plan,” Falyn continued. She crawled over to the bars holding them in the room and gazed out. Despite the lack of light, she could see around the tiny room. “There are no guards out there. There’s a door on the left wall and it looks like an easy enough lock to pick. Or maybe you could just blast it with your magic. I don’t know. We’ll figure it out. Once we get out of this… cell, we’ll be fine.”
Akia only shook her head. “If Rhys gets word that we’ve escaped, we’re done for. It’s better to wait until someone comes to get us.”
Falyn’s mouth hung open. “You mean that you just want to wait around? That won’t do any good! There are more people out there to fight for than just you, Akia. We have to find our own way out. And if you won’t use your magic to get the job done, I will.”
Akia opened her mouth as if to say something, but quickly closed it. Her eyes glazed and she turned her back to them. “Do what you want. Just leave me out of it. You know my plan. Let me know when you want to do it my way.”
This wasn’t Akia at all. Mina seemed just as surprised as Falyn. Something had happened the night before to make her act like this. And out of all the times for her to tap out, this was the worst one. Rhys was there to destroy the world and only Akia knew how to stop him. Everyone else had ideas, but Akia knew him the best.
They all sat in silence, each in their own thoughts. Falyn closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the wall. The scene from just that morning played in her head on a loop. Zeke getting upset with her. Mina trying to warn her. Zeke turning into Rhys. George using that stupid trick on them. It had all happened so fast that she didn’t have time to react to it.
Tears welled up in her eyes. She had been tricked, strung along for all this time. She thought that she had known Zeke. Out of all of them, she was the only one that gave him the benefit of the doubt. They’d had their differences at the beginning, but eventually it worked itself out.
Zeke’s words from the night after they broke out of Rhys’s bunker rang in her mind. “I didn’t save you for my own selfish reasons.” That was the first time that she had seen something different in him, something more than just the rude, annoying kid tagging along with them. He cared about her. He cared only about her.
How could she have fallen for that trap? She scolded herself for ever believing a word he said. But with every time his skin touched hers, she wanted to melt into his arms. The feeling had been getting greater each time until it was nearly painful to stay away. He had reeled her in bit by bit and used her in order to stay in the good graces of the group. She couldn’t understand it. Why not just be frank with her instead of taking her for a ride? It hurt more than she was ever going to admit.
“Where are we exactly?” Mina asked, breaking the silence.
Falyn shrugged, but Akia was quick to reply. “The basement of Headquarters.” Her voice was dull and there was nothing behind her words. Something was definitely up with her. “It was built to house prisoners – anyone we ran into that was causing trouble.”
“So how many people have been down here?” Mina asked. She sounded genuinely curious, but Falyn was sure that she was just trying to get Akia to talk. Someone had to.
Akia laughed. “Including us, three. These cells were never used. In fact, the other ones surrounding us are being used for storage. Food, blankets, equipment, clothes. You name it, it’s down here. We’ve never had a reason to throw anyone in these cells.”
Falyn hesitated before she spoke up. She had to tread carefully before Akia decided it wasn’t even worth escaping. “So have you been down here before? Do you know the way out?”
“Of course I do. I know every inch of this building!”
“Then what’s the easiest path our once we get past that door?”
Akia laughed, her eyes still trained on the ceiling. “You don’t get it, do you? We can’t get out of here. I told Phillip that once Rhys penetrated our barrier, the fight was over. He’d bring an army and drain all of our powers before we even had time to react. Now he’s here and that’s exactly what’s happening.”
“But you can’t just give up,” Mina said. “There’s still a fight out there. You still have your powers so Rhys hasn’t drained everyone’s yet. If he even got to anyone.”
Akia didn’t respond. She hung her head, eyes closed. “He got to me. My powers are gone.”
An uncomfortable silence filled the room. Falyn didn’t want to believe it was true, but it wasn’t something that Akia would lie about. How were they going to fight off Rhys without Akia? There was no way she could win without her powers.
“How did it happen?” Falyn asked quietly. She wasn’t sure if Akia was going to be willing to open up or not, but it was worth a shot.
Akia raised her head to meet Falyn’s gaze, her eyes empty. “It was when Phillip sent me and Sam to Vertfay.” She told them about finding Rhys there with Seth and the masked man, whose name was Dorrin. They had followed her back to the shop to get the locket, where there was a fight that she just barely escaped. She and Sam then took refuge in a building, but Rhys and Dorrin had beat them there.
“There was nothing I could do,” she continued as she choked back tears. “Dorrin had me trapped with his crazy magic and Rhys just… took my powers. They’re gone.”
“As in nothing left? At all?” Mina asked.
“Nothing. It’s gone.” Akia looked like she wanted to say more, but she didn’t speak. She only turned from them and gazed out the window that Falyn hadn’t noticed was there before. There was nothing to see out there besides a hill of dirt. The sun could barely make its way into the crease between the outside wall and the dirt.
“How’d you even get trapped in here?” Mina sounded genuinely curious and caring, but Falyn glared at her anyway. She was sure that Akia didn’t want to talk about it anymore.
Akia sighed. “Dorrin, the guy with the mask, found me during the fight. I barely had time to land a punch before he used his magic to render me motionless. It was a trick he had learned from Rhys.” Falyn nodded. Rhys had used that same trick on her when she tried to escape through the window. “He told one of the Warriors to take me down here. I’ve been sitting here mulling over all the terrible things about my life ever since.”
They fell silent again. How could one convince another who had just lost everything they lived for, that everything was going to be fine? Akia still had Aidan to live for, but without her powers, there would be no real life for her. Magic was all she knew. It had become a part of her.
They’d have to come up with a new plan. Ever since they crossed over into Lightport, Falyn had been feeling sorry for herself. She found her long lost family, but they turned out to be less than impressive. She found out that she was doomed to die, something that she wished she would’ve known sooner so that she could’ve avoided it. The one boy that she had ever connected with – really connected with – turned out to be their adversary in disguise. Her life was falling apart before her very eyes.
Yet even with all of that, Akia had gone through more pain than Falyn ever could. And for the first time, Falyn stopped feeling bad for herself. It wasn’t about her, no matter how many times Phillip told her how important being the moonstar was. She didn’t even know what the title meant, but the people of Lightport sure did and she wasn’t about to let them down.
When the times came, she’d be ready to fight. For everyone.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey Noelle! Bet you didn't expect to hear from me here again, haha. I just wanted to let you know that I'm hoping to finish this. I can't promise that my comments will be very review-y, but I still want to finish. Although I understand if you'd rather I didn't do a lot of commenting, if you've moved onto other things etc. But yeah. c:
Aw, thanks! I've started editing, but I'm nowhere near anything concrete. Just gathering all the ideas from this draft and figuring out what will actually work. Any comments will help me very much ^_^
Cool! ^_^
Timmy here!
This chapter was a good read - giving us more insight into Falyn's feelings towards what happened the day before, which was a good thing to have. About time, too! I expected the loss and betrayal to hit her straight away, but a day afterwards is still better than nothing. xd It still felt like it was too distant, or at least for my tastes, almost like it was told from the viewpoint of an external narrator rather than the up-close and personal feelings of the character being translated to words. And I think that's something you could work on in your edits? Because it's not just here, but a bit of a... disconnected feeling in your writing when it becomes emotional. I know it's rough writing in an emotional moment, and I fail at it every time, but I'm just here to wave my flag and tell you. c: A bit more.
This shouldn't go in that paragraph at all, but somewhere else - pushed away from this emotional scene. Parts like this confuzzle the emotions and make the character sound all stiff and businesslike in a place where the feelings should be brought to the forefront of everything. I'd almost say it'd be best for Falyn to push everything aside - all of the disasters that now ensued due to Zeke really being Rhys, and think about what's going on inside her heart, her mind. A random example to touch on is remembering Zeke's hand in hers... and then having it turn out to be Rhys' hand she'd been holding. You've got this.
Wait wut. This doesn't actually make any sense to me, because hadn't Mina just come to try and warn Falyn of George and the big plot? I think she'd be more thinking of how Mind had risked so much for her.
.... Also, I think Falyn took Akia's giving up a bit too well. Maybe throw some thought and more disbelief in there? I see more surprise than taken-back shock. Play with a stronger emotion there, I think. :3
Okay, so this is going to sound a bit odd, and it's 145% stylistic choice here, but I've been wanting to tell you this for a long while, so you're going to here it! xd I really don't like the word powers in the context you have here. When I read the word in your book, I wince, because the word sounds so... childish when used in magic. I remember playing magic games when I was a kid, and I'd always say that "this is my power". Perhaps it's just my childhood memories filtering through there, and the word is fine? But if not, I'd suggest you look around for synonyms. Something to take the childish feeling out of there. c:
So this. The moonstar is supposed to do... what, exactly? We've been through like thirty seven chapters, and I'm still at a point where I go "ooooh, pretty name. What does it mean?" You haven't delved much into it, other than that Falyn was chosen for something, and she's going to die in the end of it all. She has special abilities? Like what? I haven't seen many of these popping out at strange moments like I'd imagine them to be. But I know she's not going to fight Rhys with her nails and teeth, so there must be a layer of magic down there we haven't un-earthed yet. She just seems... shallow. Yes, that's the word. Not her character - you've done an amazing job developing her. But that aspect of her - her magic, how it works, her progress - seems wholly inadequate for what we should know by now.
Last complaint, erm, nitpick of the day~
In all truth, this read somewhat like a transition chapter to me. There wasn't anything amazing or breathtaking in it, but it was still written just as well as any other - just no action or exciting developments. Nothing wrong with slowing down for a change, though.
~Darth Timmyjake
Me again! I may skim Deanie's review, but not read it all the way, as time allows.
Reading through this, I realized that we don't really know what's happened between this chapter and be last. We can assume that George had his fun and knocked Falyn out the same way, but it feels really detached. We're left off with Falyn worrying and pick up with Falyn sleeping. Huh...? A smoother transition is advised, maybe showing us George's power in Falyn's mind when she's knocked out.
Speaking of picking up at a strange spot, why does Falyn instantly see the wall and be all, "I just woke up after being betrayed and my head hurts, but I'm going to describe the wall anyway."? Yes, it's nice to know where they are, but it may help more for us to grasp the situation first and leave the describing part to a place less urgent(?), like when they're all quiet two times.
With that out of the way, I've got some quick nit-picks:
This line made me suddenly ask, where is Falyn looking? At one point, I was under the impression that she was facing away from the other two and couldn't see them, as she mentions a line of dialogue was Akia because no one would be more cynical. You never mention Falyn actually seeing them, just heading them. So again, I ask, where is Falyn looking? And perhaps it would help to make this more clear, so that I'm not confused that Falyn is seeing movement that she's not looking at. Perhaps maybe even a slight mention of how rugged that look sitting the cell. I don't know.
(Also, the next line has to repetition of 'out there'. Which doesn't help because we have no real idea where they are, though we can assume it's Lightport. Perhaps have one of them ask?)
Does she really? If someone were so upset, as Akia definitely is, you could probably tell just by looking at them that something's off. Maybe even the way she speaks. And though she's all high and mighty now, what changes later on in the chapter to make her a sudden wimp? It can't be the prospect of facing Rhys, because she said herself she wants to get back out there. So what gives Akia? And why can't Falyn tell you're messed up?
Alright, this feels like a sudden perspective switch, even if it's really small. Falyn can only assume Akia's thoughts at the moment. How does she know this? She has yet to experience the fullness that Alia has, or ever will, because she's not Akia. Falyn wouldn't know these things, though she could think something along the lines of adjusting being difficult.
Another thing is why don't Falyn or Mina just ask Akia what's wrong? Falyn surely notices, but says nothing about it. They're a team and Falyn clearly states, several times, that they need Akia, so wouldn't they try to do anything to get their best hitting back on her feet (because they don't know yet) to win this fight? No? It's just common sense.
What is with Falyn and her weak reactions? It feels like the longer this goes on, the more pitiful Falyn gets. I mean, come on! She is getting quite naive (as Deanie mentions) but also just plain thinking she doesn't believe it. Or just gasping. No real anger or flare of any emotion because she believes everyone she ever cared about it going to die to their biggest enemy. It may be just because I can hardly remember the earliest chapters ( it has literally been over a year since I read it first) but I recall Falyn being stronger, more flare and determination. What happened? Even at the end when she wants to fight, it doesn't sound right.
I think this question can explain itself: Where is Aiden??
Sorry if I sounded harsh, but you know me, getting into the kitty gritty! Anyway, hope I helped! Happy writing,
~Wolfare
Hi Noelle!
Me again :3 I actually didn't expect to be back so soon myself because I have other things to review, but I am in the mood to read this, so xD
I liked this chapter a lot more despite for one thing! It's so good to see our little female team all together in one room, even if one of them is feeling disheartened. To be honest I hadn't expected Akia to be anything but after having something as horrid as her magic taken from her. I really wish Mina had said some more because she seemed like she would be the sympathetic one of the two, but I also like how this whole conversation seemed to be a wake up call for Falyn to start thinking beyond herself and realise that there was a whole lot more to this fight. With that in mind she might be able to rally up all of them up and get into action!
Okay, the key reason why I couldn't like this chapter as much as I wanted to was because of Falyn >.> I am being a little bit frank here, but as of late I am really starting to dislike her character. Mostly because she is not making the smartest decision in a way that makes it obvious she is making the wrong ones, as well as being a bit naive in places. Further explanation below...
When Falyn makes the decision to not tell Akia about the whole George being a baddie thing, I was so frustrated. I mean, it was her making another dumb decision >< Yeah, let's protect Akia's feelings by not telling her that her friend is not actually on her side. Well, Akia already has to deal with that when it comes to Rhys so I am not sure one more would be a problem, especially when you tell her Zeke, the one of them she didn't like is also on that side to lessen the blow. But if not, let's just try to motivate her to walk into a fight where she doesn't even know who her enemy is. Because to me that sounds like a very rubbish idea. I also felt like it was a very clear set up for something to go wrong in the future because Akia wouldn't know George is on the other side and trust him. If you do need it to remain that Akia is unknowning about where George's loyalties lie for the sake of the plot, there has to be a less obvious way of doing it. I would suggest maybe having Mina be the one who doesn't want to tell Falyn? You could peg it down to her being intuitive and already knowing something is wrong with Akia without her having to say it, so not wanting to upset her more. Then we could also have Falyn wonder what Mina is possibly thinking with doing this as in she is acting a bit crazy to follow through with this, but then Falyn could also go along with it in fears of spiraling back into the argument with Mina that she doesn't want to. That way her going along with it is justified, Mina's reasoning is also a little bit justified. Maybe she has other reasons and maybe she doesn't, but it wouldn't matter because we are not reading this from her POV. Seeing as we are reading with from Falyn's you have to have the reasoning in there and that was what wasn't working out for me.
So that decision up there was a pretty big thing that bothered me about this chapter. I hope you understand what I mean up there xD I just don't really want Falyn making anymore bad decisions to salvage her image in my mind.
Actually, thinking about this whole thing again, why hasn't Mina already told Akia about the whole Zeke being Rhys and George being a betrayer before? I mean, what could they possibly be discussing before Falyn woke up? Mina seems like the type who would've told Akia everything as she could have done. Maybe you should mention that Mina had just woken up herself as well to imply that they hadn't had any previous time to discuss things as well.
This is another naive comment. I mean, of course Rhys was acting so nice and having her fall for him because it was to keep his cover and have her wherever he needed her to be! She doesn't sound very smart here at all, and that was the point where I started to dislike her a bit. It might be useful for you to have her train of thought bring her to the correct conclusion on all so we see she can solve this issue herself?
Now for my last point about this chapter! (I'm sorry, I feel like I am being mean here :/)
At the beginning of the chapter you mention that Falyn feels lost and disorientated. But for someone who is supposed to be feeling that way she quickly understand that Mina doesn't seem angry at her after the argument and is too swift at being back into the swing of things. Play on that confused emotion for a while longer before she overcomes it.
Only a few nitpicks this time
I feel like you are missing the 'much' after so. Also, I would say 'a single coherent thought' simply because it flows better when you read it.
This sounds odd when I read it. 'Such a help she was' is awkward when read aloud. How about completing the sentence as to 'She was such a help at keeping us out of danger," instead?
Out there... out there... where is out there? Specify, please, because I am curious.
I didn't like the repetition of the words hill and dirt. I would change the second sentence to avoid the repetition and keep the same meaning. Like: The sun could barely make its way into the crease because it was so slim.
I might not be as quick getting to the next chapter, but I will be there soon to see how this chapter ends! I had some issues with this one, but it had more to do with the characters. Your writing style as always is impeccable and perfect for the story, and the plot is still moving steadily forwards. I like how George, even though his cover is blown in reference to some people, is still managing to play being on the good side to his advantage. I can't help but wonder what is happening to Sam now that he is out there with no knowledge of what Mina and Falyn have been through... I suppose I shall have to find out soon!
Deanie x
Well. That was so many info I had to process.
First of all, I have to admit that I'm a bit uncomfortable reviewing this chapter since I haven't read the others before (Except for chapter one, which I think was about Falyn being watched from a camera, a recording actually and about someone thought she was useful for him, and all that jazz. That was a nice prologue.)
From my understanding, they were trapped. In a deserted cell no longer use to shove in prisoners but foods and drinks, acting like a storage. Falyn wanted to escape with the help of Akia's magic but Akia had lost her magic. Akia offered an explanation. Falyn thought of a new plan.
I thought they were all trapped there at the same time. The starting part of the chapter hinted that while parts after it seemed to hint otherwise. Maybe you should clear that up.
I also think you should expand their characterizations more, or deliver them more smoothly.
The third to last paragraph, I think you should tell how bad the things Akia had gone through rather than Falyn's own continuing pain. It would emphasize more how pale in comparison what Falyn had gone through with Akia's, which I believe was what you aimed to show.
That is all. Thank you. Bye.