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Young Writers Society



Across Worlds - Chapter 34 Part 1

by Noelle


Akia

Akia pushed herself up and turned to face Dorrin and Rhys. Rhys was helping Dorrin up, whose mask had shifted and showed part of his cheek. It didn’t tell her much except for he had tan skin and she could tell that from his hands. If only she could get a glimpse of his face, maybe she’d be able to figure out who he was.

But that moment wouldn’t come now, not when she had to get out of there. Sam was waiting for her back in Lightport, she knew. Closing her eyes, she called up the image of Headquarters in her mind, but she couldn’t focus. Rhys was just across the way and if he saw her before she could make it out everything would be ruined.

She worked harder to bring the building to her mind, but it just wasn’t coming. She couldn’t concentrate with Dorrin and Rhys so close. When she opened her eyes again, Dorrin was directly in front of her. It sent her reeling backward, but his fist caught her jaw, making her fall backward. Holding her throbbing chin, she looked up to see Dorrin staring her down, his eyes blazing.

“You dare use that spell on me?” He waved his hand and pain spread through Akia’s arm. She looked down to see her arm bending backwards at the elbow, trying to make it farther than it can. “I don’t take that from anyone!”

The pain was getting worse. She bit her lip to keep from crying out. She tried to focus on relaxing like she could with the torture spell, but the pain was too real. Suddenly, the air around her started to change. It was getting harder to breathe, her throat burning with every breath. The pain in her arm had gone away all at once, but she didn’t notice it; her arm had gone numb. It was freezing, the air biting at every bit of exposed skin. She wished that she had worn something warmer. The t-shirt and jeans weren’t going much.

Soon she was shivering. She couldn’t control her body, couldn’t stop it from shaking. No matter how much she concentrated or imagined warm summer nights, the air surrounding her was still freezing.

Why was her magic failing her now? Any other time she’d have no trouble with a situation like this. The magic was overtaking her, dominating her. She couldn’t fight it. There was no telling how Dorrin would take advantage of the situation.

The cold had found is way into her bones so even when the air returned to normal, she couldn’t stop shivering. She felt everything return to normal, yet she couldn’t move. Looking up, she saw Dorrin still standing over her, Rhys right there with him.

“You are a menace,” he spat. “You’re the only one standing in the way with that silly locket.”

“You two didn’t think it was so silly when you chased after it. Two grown men desperate to have a piece of jewelry.” Akia retorted. It earned her a kick to the stomach and she curled up in pain.

“That locket is dangerous,” Rhys said. “It’s better off being safe with us.”

Akia laughed, but it only made her stomach hurt. “The powers would never be safe with you. You’d just use it to take over another world. Or, wait, that might not be true. It actually would be safe with you.” Rhys understood. He narrowed his eyes and clenched his fists. Akia only grinned at him. There was nothing he could do without her.

Dorrin was looking from one of them to the other. “Would one of you explain what the hell these looks are for?”

“Gladly,” Akia responded. She sat up, the aching in her stomach disappearing. “The locket contains the powers of the worlds that Rhys has destroyed. He knows how to get the powers in, but there’s only one person who knows how to get them out.”

Dorrin stared at her blankly. “Come again?”

Rhys groaned. “Akia is the only one who can get the powers out of the locket, okay? She was the one who figured it out, not me.” Dorrin was staring at the both of them, seemingly not understanding. But then he laughed, a long, deep laugh. Akia quickly stood. She wanted to be ready for whatever else Dorrin threw at her.

“Of course,” he said mockingly. “You helped with the experiments, he promised your safety. It all makes sense now. Too bad he was dumb enough to not keep you around.”

Akia glowered. “Keep me around? I wasn’t Rhys’s to keep. We were friends. I worked with him because his experiments were going to make good. Once he started talking about immortality and combining powers, I was out. No one can do that.”

“With that locket, I can.” Rhys argued.

“And without me you can’t get the powers out.” The two of them stared at each other, neither one backing down. There was a reason that Rhys hadn’t killed her yet. He needed her, whether he wanted to admit it or not.

“You know,” Dorrin started. “It’s not really a bad thing, what Rhys is doing. He’s told me his plan. What he can do will unite all of us! No longer will the worlds be separated. Everyone will live together, magicians, seers, teleks. We’re all the same after all. Think about it. Magic is universal. The same magic mages use magicians do. The same with the seers and the teleks. Even the shapeshifters. Magic is in the soul of everyone here. The way we choose to use it is different.

“Once you take the powers from the locket, Rhys can fuse them together and everyone will have the same powers. You do understand how much of an advantage that is, don’t you? There will be nothing different about us. People will be able to use any power they want at any time. There’ll be nothing that can separate us.”

Akia stared. She hadn’t really thought about it before, what Rhys had been planning. Everything she was doing to fight him off was because she had thought he wanted all the powers to himself, they he was greedy. But now that she knew the truth, it didn’t sound so bad. If it even was the truth.

She tried to imagine a world where everyone had he same power. She would be able to use Layna’s telek magics, and seer magic like George. The future wouldn’t be a mystery anymore. Everything ahead of her she’d be ready for. And the shapeshifting magic. She could change into anyone that she wanted. It all sounded too good to be true.

That’s because it is. She reminded herself. Rhys was known for his experiments and they usually didn’t work. He would have to do more experiments than ever to figure out how to get the right combination. That would lead to more disasters, more lost time and more problems. No matter how great the outcome sounded, she knew that it would never work.

She wrinkled her nose and squinted her eyes, hoping that she looked like she was thinking about it even though she had already made up her mind. If she was going to get away, she’d have to convince Dorrin and Rhys that she would consider it.

“Say you get this locket back,” Akia started. “How are you going to combine them all? You at least have a plan, right?”

A grin spread across Dorrin’s face. “Yes, we have a plan. Rhys knows all the details, it’s written down somewhere.” He waves his hand dismissively. “And after we do, we’ll create a whole new world, one greater than any other before.”

Right. Like everyone would be able to live together. They’d still be arguing over who was more powerful. Akia thought. She remembered learning in school that the main reason there were different worlds was because no one could get along. Each group of people argued that their magic was most powerful.

There were many flaws in Rhys’s plan, starting with the idea that he could actually combine the powers. That had never happened before. Except with Falyn. She had both mage magic and shapeshifter magic inside of her. She turned out fine.

Too much magic would be damaging though. People were only able to hold one magic, two at the most apparently. Any more than that and it would overpower them. One can only have enough magic that they can control. With all the magics mixed in, who would be able to control it?

“So are you in?” Rhys asked. Akia looked at him. His face was plain, angry even. But his eyes told a different story. They were pleading her to agree, hoping that she would work with him again.

She grinned. “I’m never handing over that locket. I don’t care what you’re trying to convince me you want to do with the powers. You can’t fool me. The powers will be yours. You won’t give them to anyone.”

“You’re making a mistake,” Dorrin growled. “Even if we don’t get that locket, we’ll have the powers. And if you’re not on our side, we won’t spare you.”

“What do you mean you’ll still have the powers?” Akia asked. It didn’t make sense. The locket was the only place the powers were.

Suddenly, Rhys grabbed her arm and forced an image into her mind. She didn’t recognize it, but she grabbed onto it anyway. When she opened her eyes again, the three of them were standing in an open area. Looking around, she realized that they were boxed in by houses. Only one alleyway led out.

“What am I—" Before she could finish, she was cut off by a low rumbling sound. Turning, her mouth fell open.

There, in the middle of the ground in front of her (how had she missed it?) was a giant crater. It didn’t look like the pictures in textbooks. It was quite shallow with cracks running along every inch. Slipping out of the cracks were colors of all kind, glowing bright against the late evening light.

“What is that?” Akia asked, not sure if she really wanted to know the answer.

“Magic,” Dorrin said. “Stuck beneath the surface trying to fight its way out. If you don’t give me the locket, I can pull magic from here and use it just the same. Either way, you lose.”

Akia was speechless. What could she possibly say to that? There was magic being stored in what was left of her old world. She wanted to know how it had happened, but that didn’t matter at the moment. She felt backed into a corner. No matter what she did, there was no way out. Rhys would get the powers, with Dorrin’s help, and he would succeed in his crazy plan. It was finished, the fight was done. She had nothing left.

----------------------------------

For the LMS contest. Word count: 1,819


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Mon Apr 13, 2015 6:37 pm
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Noelle!

It has been a while since I have been reviewing this - but I definitely haven't forgotten it! It seems like the moment I catch up I am destined to fall behind again *sigh*. But I will be working my way to getting there... again. Steadily and slowly :3

I think Akia is quickly realising that in this game they are all playing there are some elements in there that she hadn't anticipated, like the magic boulder she is being shown. I wonder if Dorrin is lying to her about it, but then I guess we will have to read on to see! I also really can admire her bravery here by never giving up in what she believes is right, even when she is giving time to consider what Rhys is offering. I always think it is good to consider all options before choosing, even if you are pretty sure you know what you want.

One thing I wanted to see a bit more of Akia's bravery. When she is being beaten up for almost every single word she says, I didn't really feel like she was being a strong as she was. That's because in that moment we are getting a lot of dialogue and no description to her feelings. Show us that through the hurt she is still going to grit her teeth and throw back clever words to them, to try and hurt or break them down in any way she can, despite what pain in might bring her. I just got that impression from her actions seeing as she was entirely at their mercy, but that was brought across well enough for it to reach everyone who reads this.

Another thing I was curious to know was why she grabbed onto the image that Rhys presented her with. For all she knew he could've given her an image of a prison and without thinking too much about what it was, she was willing to go there. I wanted to know what was running through her mind at that exact moment. Was she thinking that anything and anywhere would be better than where she is now? Or did she want to simply escape, and didn't care too much for the destination? Because taking a chance like she did sounds awfully risky, and I wanted to know her reasons for taking such a big leap of faith. When, she actually has no faith in that person at all.

I saw quite a few nitpicks here. Now I know some people have already pulled out some of them but I am going to give you suggestions for replacements as well as just saying where it might've gone wrong. I hope this is helpful!

It didn’t tell her much except for he had tan skin and she could tell that from his hands.


I know what you meant, but I felt like if your worded this better it could bring across your implications in a more effective manner. Such as saying: It didn't reveal anything new - she already knew he was tan from the skin on his hands.

Dorrin was directly in front of her. It sent her reeling backward, but his fist caught her jaw, making her fall backward.


I see the repetition of backward, but that isn't what bothers me here the most. The fact that she is already moving when he swings makes me think he should be missing her face because she is moving right? So maybe make her get prepared to move but then doesn't because she is too busy being hit. My suggestion would be something along the lines of: Dorrin was directly in front of her. She mad to move backwards, but his fist caught her jaw, reeling her away from him and into the dirt.

She looked down to see her arm bending backwards at the elbow, trying to make it farther than it can.


I think there is a single key word missing from this sentence for it to make complete sense. And that would have to be the word 'involuntarily.' I am assuming this is magic doing it so no one is touching her. At first I wondered why she was harming herself, and then realized it was happening against her bidding. So slipping that all important word in there somewhere might clarify for some people.

The t-shirt and jeans weren’t going much.


Typo! *doing.

She couldn’t control her body, couldn’t stop it from shaking.


Small suggestion: Make comma a colon instead?

That's all I have for you! This was a very good chapter and I look forward to whenever I have time to move on to the next part. As always, the suspense seems to be rising as it seems like there is nothing Akia can do to stop them!

Deanie x




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Wed Mar 11, 2015 9:41 pm
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Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey Noelle! Alas, I have returned ( I'm getting really tired of the number 133, thus, I realized I should be reviewing! ).

They're DOOMED! What a lovely chapter. :3

I liked the part where Akia insulted Rhys ( or at least that's what it seemed like at first ), and then it turned out that Akia was just... bragging? In a sense. I thought it was really good because we almost got a glimpse into what Rhys and Akia's friendship would have been like with the mocking each other and such. I can see how they would have done so, playfully, and teasingly when they were friends.

She looked down to see her arm bending backwards at the elbow, trying to make it farther than it can.


This is a bit oddly put, and is rather confusing. Perhaps you meant something more like: he seemed to be trying to make it go further than it could. In any case, it's not a huge deal, I do that ALL the time! xD

I like how Dorrin and Rhys actually think they can convince Akia to help them for a moment I was like: Oh my gosh Akia, NOOOOOO. But the cool thing about them trying to convince her, is that we got to see a demonstration of crazy people having almost-sane ideas. 'Cause the thing is: even if they are greedy, and insane, terrible, terrible people... they can still sometimes sound like normal, and with some integrity, even.

That was the one thing I always found interesting- how people can speak something so terrible about someone, and then, once they're with them, and interacting with them... you can hardly tell that that person thinks they're the 'bad guy' and you can hardly tell why they would say that... because both parties put on a mask. But it's also the same with ideas: you'll think someone's idea is completely messed up, but then there'll be this one time where you're like "wait.... what?" and the annoying thing about that, is that you might think that you're going insane because of their sudden saneness.

That might not have made much sense. >.>

Anyway, I just thought that that was very accurate!

This chapter piece was also very amusing! XD But cliffhangers, Noelle!!! Whyyyy? I guess it's okay... especially since I'm a couple parts behind. :-P

Keep it UP!!!

-Socks




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Fri Mar 06, 2015 10:17 pm
AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello, Noelle! KatyaElefant here for another review! This is the last chapter! We have come so far! Oh my gosh! Like I'm going to finish what you have so for of this novel today! *squeals in excitement* Okay. Okay. Calm down Katya... Let us get reviewing. Shall we?

UGhhh! Why do we have to be in Akia's perspective? I want to be in Falyn's perspective so that she can be all goo goo eyes at Zeke and then I can fan girl. Akia is just all work and no play. GOSH DARN IT! You need to vary your characters more a little bit. Like maybe even change the perspective to Sam or something! That would be something that I would look forward to.

The magic is getting REALLY confusing now. Like I don't even remember what type of magic that Akia is able to use and what she does and everything. I don't get the magic and it's really making my enjoyment of the action scenes diminished.

I love the jokes that are in this novel. Like Akia and Rhys's sarcasm are so great. I would ship them so much if Rhys wasn't such a jerk and a bad guy. Like I"m pretty certain that Rhys is going to die at some point or is going to be imprisoned so I think that they aren't suited for each other. Though, it's no wonder that their jokes are so similar.

OH MY GOSH! That thing for uniting everyone is from this anime I'm watching. Like this anime is SO similar to this novel, it's not even funny. I bet the anime ripped you off and stole your idea. :P I'm not kidding though. It's really scary how similar those two are.

Wait? So now magic is a substance? I'm now extremely confused on the physics of magic. Noelle, please explain this to me. >,< My feeble mind cannot comprehend such complex things.

Keep calm and keep writing.
KatyaElefant




Wolfare1 says...


No Sam perspective. That would be weird. Since it's 34 chapters in, switching to Sam would seem super strange...



AdmiralKat says...


I just wish she had done it earlier ;( Maybe if she makes a second book thing(though that might be much), she should make it in Sam's perspective.



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Sun Mar 01, 2015 10:11 pm
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TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy hereee

So, like always, I have no idea where to begin with this review. Your writing is grammarly flawless in this chapter, or so it seems from my first two reads through. Yeah, that's how many times I've read through it - and still not having a good review beginning come up. I can't even think of a compliment to start the review off with, because everything just fits together so well. You truly have found your writing niche.

*looks above* Hm. Good enough. Let's continue on to the meat of the review.

It didn’t tell her much except for he had tan skin and she could tell that from his hands.


That sentence goes from nowhere to nowhere once again. xd Read it through, and think about it. His cheek tells her that he has tan skin. But she could tell that from his already exposed hands, as the second half of the sentence says. So, actually, it didn't tell her anything. Confusing much? The sentence could use a bit of help. :p

It sent her reeling backward, but his fist caught her jaw, making her fall backward.


Hm. Another bit where you're saying the same thing twice, and almost contradicting yourself. If she's already reeling backwards, she can't fall backwards at the same time. Because they're the same thing. xD

Using the same sentence above for reference, I'm going to blab about another thing. In your writing, while many of the aspects of it are just flawless and amazing, you lack a sense of feeling throughout - although better or worse in many places. In the part above, where Dorrin swiped her across the jaw, I as the reader didn't feel anything. There was no feeling of pain. There was no feeling of urgency. I didn't get that Akia had a sudden surge of adrenaline. It's like we're looking at the picture from a distant, almost airplane perspective - seeing it for the big picture and never delving deep into the character's feelings and emotions, both physical and mental. I'd say your best writing quality has always been using indirect thought (giving us what's going on inside her head without resorting to direct - via italics or she thought). But what you should probably work on is bringing the feelings of the character's come closer to the reader, and show more of them!

You've always mentioned pain when it's necessary - or at least, in most places. Like when her elbow is twisted behind her back, you mention pain. But not enough and in a, well, painful way so we can feel it. As Wolfy said, it ventures towards the casual side of things - places such as when the biting cold whips at her arms, she just wishes she had worn warmer clothes. Try this: in your next chapter, don't use the word "pain" even once. Use synonyms, build your character's pain off of a different word, different feeling. I think it would make you delve more into what they feel.

It isn't that you don't do a good job with that side of things. I just know you can do better. ;)

Dorrin is such a beautiful speaker. ;_; I almost believe him.

One thing that isn't coming into Akia's considering of Rhys and his plan is what he has done. She's over there thinking that he could possibly be a good person, but she seems to have forgotten who destroyed her world, who had tried to stop her from getting Falyn to Phillip and safety. I've always seen her as a person who considers everything in the equation, and not just what she sees directly in front of her. And her viewpoint in that part seems so... focused, like she has blinders on and can only see that part of Rhys. And I don't understand fully yet why on earth he would do something like that, especially because I don't know how it would help him.

So. Another thing I just don't get. If the magic is inside the ground beneath their very feet, why did Rhys need Akia at all? I mean, think about it. You could either take the magic from the ground, or you can fight with a stubborn girl you know isn't going to go along with you, and pull the magic from a locket. Or you can just skip all that and take it from the ground - no struggle included. Thinking as Rhys would, the options aren't that hard to chose. Struggle with girl - and lose. Or just take the magic. Hm. So it seems as though there's no point to Akia being with them, as the magic can be summoned in much easier ways. Perhaps there's something I'm missing in the equation, though?

This chapter wasn't your best, I think, but it was still written very well (and I love the parts with Dorrin. he's so cool). There are just a few things you need to smooth out when you go about your editing. Not too many, but what I mused about above is probably the biggest issue on hand. It's more confusing than anything, but does need some attention from a loving parent. Akia was like I knew she would be. I love her character so much! She's strong, yet weak at the same time (with her flaws), but she won't take anything from anybody. And there is no way she's going to back down from anything. And Rhys is just as expected, too. -_- I can see why he only has Dorris Dorrin for a friend (minion more-like? xd)
Keep it up! I'll hit that chapter I missed when I can. I don't know how I missed it. ><
~Darth Timmyjake




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Tue Feb 24, 2015 1:50 am
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Yes! It's in Akia's perspective!!!

Hey, Noelle! ^^

I jotted down some places as I was reading through this, so here are my two nitpicks ~

She looked down to see her arm bending backwards at the elbow, trying to make it farther than it can.


That's definietely something normal, you know. Run of the mill day. Now, just the way you say this in the narration so casually, it seems like she's not in any pain. Maybe try adding in some more loaded words like "To her horror." Something to that effect.

Akia is the only one who can get the powers out of the locket...


Then why did he tell Seth that he was going to kill her? o.o What the heck is with that? Might want to reconsider that one line, because without Akia, those powers are still trapped. (And I bet Dorrin thinks Rhys is an idiot for depending on her).

Okay. This doesn't make very much sense. Why would Rhys be so desperate for the locket, if he can just use the magic in the hole? Don't they need the magic in the locket to be able to go through with their plan of combining everything? And then, they still need Akia. It doesn't seem like she has lost yet. I guess, really, I don't quite understand that big reveal at the end. Maybe have Akia elaborate more in her head when she's thinking that she doesn't have anything to fight for.

Dorrin is like... scary powerful. The scene before they all started talking, where he basically stripped her powers away, was really awesome! His fury and rage being centered into Akia was really well written and I loved the feelings. It's just another thing to bring the magic to life. It also continues to make me question, has Rhys already done it? Has me managed to experiment and figure out how to combine powers in Dorrin? How does he know his plan will work?

This is so totally not communism, Rhys. See how it worked out for the Soviet Union? Right now most countries from there are in serious debt, having huge ethnic issues and their economies are crashing. Look at Russia!

It's always so hard to get one full grasp on Rhys. There's always so many different lights we see him in. We know that he's demolished all these worlds, capturing the magic for his benefit. We've also seem Akia's perspective of him being her friend, and of course there's this guy, who wants peace and equality. Doesn't he realize that there will never be peace? People will always hate him for what he's done. He destroyed their homes, for heavens sake!

Also, I think this was mentioned before, but Rhys has found some elixer of youth, hasn't he? I remember this being mentioned a while back, that Rhys is eternally 19. And again Akia mentions that he wants the powers to be greedy and powerful and be youthful (I believe) but that's already been stated. Yet he doesn't have his powers? I'm curious about this entire elixer of youth thing and how it ties into all this. (Random thought.)

That's it from me, and the only sad thing about being caught up, is you have to actually wait. Phooey. Anywhosers! Cannot wait for more form Akia! Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~




Noelle says...


Yeah, I knew that parts of this would be confusing. I wrote this in two hours. I expected the worst xD The magic in the crater is a developing idea and to be honest, I'm confused by it too -_- But I needed something other than just the locket for something major to happen later. For now it'll probably just sit there being all cratery.

The curse of writing so fast is not having time to really think out what I'm writing into the story. I just write what comes to my mind and try to figure it out as I go. Everything you're pointing out is such a great help, you have no idea <3




Ogres are like onions.
— Shrek