Akia
The ropes wrapped around her wrists were digging into her skin. She could feel the rough material scaring her wrists. But she didn’t care. The pain she could deal with. The punishment is what she wasn’t looking forward to. But if she could just escape before they had an opportunity to bring her in front of the Othir, everything would be fine. She could head back to Lightport. She wouldn’t have anything, but she’d be able to share information.
The guards led her out of the market and towards a blue bus waiting for them. They shoved her in through the back door. She fell flat on her face as the doors shut behind her.
From what she could see from her position on the floor, the bus had only two benches in it; one against the left wall and one against the right. There were only two men in the bus. Akia groaned. She would’ve rather had been in there alone.
One of the men chuckled. “Look, Zeke, they caught a pretty one this time!” The man named Zeke laughed nervously, like he didn’t agree with what his comrade had said. “What’d they get you for sweetie? Try to steal some perfume? Maybe some makeup?”
Akia couldn’t stand the man’s snappy cackling. Taking a deep breath to calm herself, she focused all her energy on the ropes holding her wrists bound. She imagined them unwinding and falling from her wrists. She felt them suddenly release her hands.
Pushing the ropes onto the floor, she lunged at the man who had been laughing. She grabbed the neckline of his shirt and twisted, pulling him close to her. Now she was the one who laughed.
“I’ve never seen a grown man so terrified,” she said, sneering. The man had a large scruffy beard and looked to be in his thirties. But the sight of a girl much young than him at his throat seemed to knock fear into his otherwise smug look.
“I’m not one to mess with. You make one more jab at me and I won’t be as kind. Understand?”
“How’d you do that?” the man asked in a hushed, awed voice. Akia was confused until she realized where he was looking. The man wasn’t exactly afraid of her, he was afraid of the fact she broke the ropes around her wrists. The ropes were created to conceal any magic that a mage could use. She shouldn’t have been able to break the ropes. But she did break them.
Slowly, she let go of the man’s shirt and headed to the bench opposite him. She picked up the ropes, held them behind her back, and closed her eyes. The ropes twined back together and wrapped themselves back around her wrists.
“What do you mean?” she asked the man, turning so he could see the ropes. “I didn’t do anything.” When she turned back, the man’s face had barely changed. If anything, there was more fear showing through his face.
Akia had no idea how long it would take them to get to the Othir building. She hadn’t been to Agathi before. It was the only city in the circuit she hadn’t visited before. Now she could see why.
She knew enough about the city to know that the jail was beneath the Othir building. It was a horrible place to put prisoners in her opinion. If there was ever a mass breakout, the first place the prisoners would most likely attack would be the Othir. Not very smart on their part.
All she could do at the moment was enjoy the ride. Even more than the ride though, she was enjoying the look that the man with the beard was giving her. He still looked scared out of his mind. She smirked. If he really thought about it, it wouldn’t take him too long to figure out how she did it.
“You’re terrified of a seventeen year old girl?” She waited for the man to reply, but he remained silent. “What’d they get you for, huh? Stealing some cologne?”
The man with the beard mumbled something under his breath.
“What was that?”
“You’re a seer,” the man repeated. It was an accusing statement; she could hear it in her voice. But it was hard for her to take the man seriously when he was staring at the ground, his hands shaking.
“I’m not,” she responded. “And you can’t prove it either.”
“Can to. You got out of those ropes.”
“Bristan,” Zeke said in a warning tone. “Just drop it.” Akia decided that Zeke wasn’t so bad after all. He didn’t seem afraid of her and he hadn’t joined in on Bristan’s attack on her earlier.
“No. I want to know.” Bristan retorted.
“Seers can’t escape ropes. They have no magic,” Akia said, as if it were obvious. “So I can’t possibly be one.”
Bristan lifted his head and glared at her. “Well you aren’t a mage either. Those ropes would’ve stifled your magic.
“Well who said I had to be one or the other?” That seemed to stump him. He opened his mouth to answer her, but then closed it again. Akia smirked.
She turned to look at Zeke. He was staring back at her with a curious look on his face. He seemed to be in deep thought; something that made her think. What was he thinking about? There had to be something on his mind. She just hoped he wasn’t thinking too hard about her trick with the ropes. She didn’t want anyone finding out her secret.
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For the LMS contest. Word count: 930
End of chapter
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139,334 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
Hello! KatyaElefant for another review! Let us see what we have here(this introduction is so going to get annoying but you have to DEAL WITH IT).
Now that I'm reading this chapter, I wish you had described the characters more so I could get a better idea of what they look like. I get what Sam looked like but with Akia, I'm just realizing that she is really pretty but does she wear makeup or perfume? I need to know these small details! I NEED TO KNOW!
Okay. So usually I am fine with people using buts and ands incorrectly but the way you used it in the first paragraph. It's unacceptable. I'm sorry but you can't have that anywhere. All you have to do is remove the period and make the but lowercase and you will have used it correctly! Buts and ands are used to connect two sentences to create a bigger idea and to make the piece flow better! Ooooo! I see improvement in your descriptive adjectives! This is good! Very good! Of course, you can do it better but it is improvement over time!
OHHHHHHHHHHHHH! That guard just got burned! Something interesting is always happening in every single one of these chapters! I know that I'm going to review all your chapters just because your story is so good! Now I have more questions like what is her secret? Is she half-seer and half-mage or is she something completely different? IS SHE A DRAGON? I really like this scene with the exception of knowing what the prison looks like(Is it the classic type of dungeon or a modern jail cell and what do the ropes look like? Do they have some sort of aurora of magic around them?) All your names are really great! Where do you find them? I like this perspective and how you changed it up on us because usually authors just stay with the same character and it gets really boring. Even when they do that, they still manage to make it boring but you managed to make it a great story! I am really enjoying this novel! Keep calm and keep writing!
Hey! IamTraunt here for another review!
Overused Words
could
11. Remove about 8 occurrences from 11
feel/feeling/felt
2. Remove about 1 occurrence from 2
believe/think
5. Remove about 2 occurrences from 5
had
13. Remove about 2 occurrences from 13
initial
3. Remove about 2 occurrences from 3
look
5. Remove about 3 occurrences from 5
was/were
26. Remove about 8 occurrences from 26
Writing Style Report
# Red - Either omit this or use a stronger verb.
Ooooo. Hm. Akia seems like such a cool character! Like raven said, it is good to see a different aspect of the story/ a different point of view just to put the cherry on top xD But I'm serious, I always enjoy seeing how a writer can vary her characters. You did really well. Bravo!
Hi, Noelle! I'm here to feed your novel a like and give it a review! (Speaking of feeding novels likes, I should go back and like the last one.) Okay, you should have gotten a notification around 5 o' clock... yesterday.
Now that the like thing is out of the way... I'll move onto the actual review!
Oh, so... Akia is the one you were talking about... I like the name! It is unique in a way.
Tell me your naming secrets, the names you have chosen are beyond awesome.She seems... interesting. With her display of power I wonder who she truly is. Also, with her comment:Just, that leaves the reader to wonder what she is or does. She's magic, obviously. I mean, she can slip out of the ropes with her thoughts! It was clear that she is not mage... So, I'm stumped. (Another thing: I believe there should be a comma next to the "well.")
This is getting good, there's another character and we have another view point. Some one else's eyes so we can see their view! I hope the MCs' mindsets are different enough so we can see different views on the same subject.
I feel like face had been used too many times.
I'm just a little mad at Bristan. Thinking that Akia was in trouble for stealing perfume and makeup. Like, what? Excuse me, makeup and perfume? Really? What if she was a serial killer and out right killed him for that statement! *Honestly, can I write fanfiction where she kills him? Please!* I like the fact that you (the author) referenced the fact that a few men think woman would steal perfume, instead of assuming serial killer. (Not sure where I was going with that... but... Also, I would have assumed killer.)
This is a very short review, but I don't have much to say! Keep on writing!
Rae,
Timmy here!
Ooooooh, a new perspective! I like this. Akia is the girl who was taken by the Whtachamacallit protection police (or whatever they were called). It seems to be a nice turn of perspective. Kind of like the opposite side of the spectrum... but yet not. With one character, you had the hesitant girl in school who was worried about failing her grades. With this one, you have the confident woman who is a magic-person and everything, and seems to be a seer? Whatever she is, it's definitely magical. And awesome. Always awesome. I love it how your characters are so diverse. Akia is very confident, and seems very powerful. This is going to be fun, seeing things from her perspective for a while. And I like what you're doing, switching perspectives like this. Kind of like what I am doing in Affinity. It gives the reader a chance to see inside more than just the main character. And writing from more than one person's perspective is always fun, anyway.
See the parts I put in italics? That is something you want to avoid in writing. Yet again, referring to my writer's group, I get the Pen of Shame whenever they find something like that. It's called the passive voice. And what you really want to strive for is the active voice. So, in this case, you would want dug instead of were digging, and felt instead of could feel. It isn't a big deal, but it does make a bit of a difference in the big picture.
The only makes it seem like she was almost hoping there were more than that in there, rather than fewer. Perhaps just take it out?
Just a quick note: I know she isn't your typical teenage girl and everything, but I don't think that they guy would simply give in without a struggle. It would be unrealistic. Even if she has her hand around his collar and everything, twisting for all she is worth, it won't strangle him (probably?) and he would retaliate. Assuming she has had more training than the average person, perhaps she could do some fancy trick to show him who is boss, rather than him giving up so easily? It just didn't seem right to me. That is all...
Comma after can, and to should be too. Easy mistake. Mic Word sees it as a correct word, so I miss it, too.
I thought this was a little confusing to read. I went through it and I was like: Wha? I didn't get it, really. I think if you are going to spring something like that on us, you should have a teensy bit more explanation. How do the ropes conceal any magic a mage can use? And what is a mage? Not some herb, is it? hee-hee Oh, right. That's sage.
Comma after well
I would take the well out of this one, because someone just said well in the line above. But if you decide to keep it, then you should put a comma afterwards.
Really, this was a refreshing turn of perspective. I like the character, and she seems kind of like a bad-ass girl, ready to kick some butt. I enjoyed how she doesn't blanch from a fight, and she seems like she has some disgust for those who do. Good. People who are afraid are simply losers... Most of the time, anyway. No, not those who are afraid. Those who cower from their fear. Everyone is afraid. But only the brave face them. Haha. Just another ramble from Timmy. But anyway, yes, I liked this. A lot. It did start off in a weird spot and I was tad confused because I had no idea what was going on, but it did sort of answer itself as it went along, or perhaps I merely guessed it. I don't know. Looking back, it may have been nice if you had something in the beginning the really hinted that she was the girl from the previous chapter with Flayna looking down at the scene in the street. Just some bigger hint, I think. Not much. But besides that, this chapter was very well done, exciting, and held my interest more than the others.
Her power is also very interesting, and the words you throw around like household objects intrigue me even more, and make me wonder what she is. A seer? A mage? I am also curious as to what those titles mean, and how they affect their lives in this city. I guess I need to read on to find out.
~Darth Timmyjake
And here I am, as promised!
I can already tell from the first sentence that this is probably going to be my favorite character. The awesome female that's just... I don't know... AMAZING! Kinda the quiet but deadly, mysterious with some harshness in her. That's my interpretation of what she's gonna be though. I just hope you add some plot twist in there to not make her so... predictable I guess.
So first off I noticed a typo in your second sentence, you spelled "scarred" wrong. You just forgot one r, nothing serious, just thought I should point it out.
Okay, I hope this doesn't offend you, but I can see you were rushed by the contest with this piece. From the other pieces that I've read of your's, you're normally more put together, it's obvious with the contest that's a little hard, but nothing a little polishing won't do. There were quite a few grammatical errors with spelling or verb tense that need to be fixed, but what I'm more concerned with is the flow. Plot flow is pretty good, I like it and the pace is fairly steady, but sentence flow could use some work. Try to omit some "shes" and the like, read out loud, you know, the basics.
As for the two men on the bus, try describing some of they physical attributes earlier on. I think it'll be easier on you to address them based on hair color (for instance) instead of saying the "one that was laughing at her". Uses a lot less words and creates an image for the readers to picture.
I feel like the entire situation of this chapter needs some clearing up. Throughout the chapter I was wondering why she was in the bus in the first place, what the bus was for, what the other two men were doing in the bus, and what was she caught doing? I feel like you could probably answer these, even vaguely, in this chapter. I did like the question you posed at the end though!
The way you explained Seers and Mages was well done, if I say so myself. It was discreet but gave you facts about the two. Now just what is Akia XD Anyways, I hope this helped >< I might not have gotten everything that I was planning on considering how unorganized my mind is, but I hope this was helpful!
Sushi
No word count? i'm back by the way, in case you didn't know by this review XDD
Oooooh we get to see it from Akia's perspective *pump-fists and jumps around excitedly, then calms down, seeing as it;s hard to read and review while jumping*
"young" should be younger. Also, I'd like to point out that although starting sentences with "But" can be fine, and it is in this case, you used it a few sentences earlier, and I thought it would have been better to combine the two sentences for flow. Just watch out.
And he's not afriad of her? what. a. mor. on.
Eww. That last sentence felt weak and kiddish. consider revising. Besides that I liked this part. But, first Akia doesn't want to see the Othir. She wants to get away before they get there, but then she hops back in the ropes when she could have escaped? That doesn't make any sense to me.
and now I have to find out what Akia is, since she is no mage or seer. grrrr.
~Messenger
Hello, it's me again(I can't wait to reach your present work but I really hope you don't mind reviews on these old ones first).
Later on you inserted some really short sentences in the middle of the paragraph which didn't seem fine to me.
Think you told me somewhere that you'd like to use dialogue much more, and that you know you ramble on while describing. I agree, while it may sound harsh your dialogues are way more realistic and well written than descriptions. Its actually not even the dialogue alone, but anything happening while dialogue is written really well, which gets me confused.
Again, it's the three opening paragraphs that need improvement, in my opinion.
In the first one, first thing that bothered me is that ropes scarred her. They would ceirtanly hurt her, but scar, that might be though. Also...since they got the truck maybe they are advanced enough to have handcuffs or shackles?
Third paragraph:
First, I think you should have waited for her to get up before noticing anything, since I guess when being tossed somewhere not many people also observe their surroundings(XD). And, second part of the sentence, you should have just said it like this: "the bus had only two benches, one on each side."
Hmpf, I really think this chapter is really good, all of the things I just said are not neccesairy to edit but I guess you could give it some more time if you are striving for perfection.
Akia's POV really surprised me, and at this point I guess reader would be confused about what is her role. At first, I thought that she is allied with the man who attacked Falyn. Did you want to make us confused? Another thing about character, I see that Zekke later on becomes important, but you didn't hint that in here, or at least not clear enough, so I wonder did you also want that?
Surprised about seers not being magicians of some kind also. This got me intrigued!
Liked it, going further on now!
-Alchemist
Ok, so once again, I love this. I definitely like how you're changing the point of views from which it's written. I really like Akia's character, she's mysterious and obviously powerful. Of course, I once again want to know more, like how she has magic powers, and stuff, but I really do like it. I'm just curious. As I said with your other two chapters, you did very well with editing. Formatting is good, and that's sometimes hard to get with YWS. Umm... there was one section that I was a bit confused on. I thought the man she attacked was Zeke, but then you said he said something to the man she attacked. It just seemed a little confusing there. But other than that, it's great! Moving on to the next chapter...Keep writing!
Heya Noelle!
Too many reviews to keep up with... I just wanted to say though, this was the best chapter I've had to read yet. I like Akia. She seems like the kind of girl who is ready to challenge anyone and everyone, but still thinks through what she does and says before she does it! Which, in my opinion, makes her very wise for a seventeen year old girl. I don't know many like her.
I know, I know. I took my time in getting here. I'm sorry
I have very little criticism for this chapter, just a few points... Most has been covered by the previous reviewers as well, so
You've repeated wrists pretty close together here. For the first sentence I would just cut out the first wrists and it still shows how the rope is cutting into her and ranges the vocabulary a bit.
Well... that didn't seem like anything special... I think you should embellish this bit some more, make it more astounding that she managed to free herself. She wasn't supposed to be able to do and she did it! Maybe it doesn't take any effort on her side at all, but even then you could still make it more of an event to remember. Like saying: Akira closed her eyes and imagined the rope unweaving. She imagined each strand peeling back to shake her hands free. She smiled as the familiar settling feeling happened that always does as her power never fails her.
That was just an example, but by putting more emotions and actions in there, it already adds a bit more to the special moment.
Hmm... Akira didn't want anyone finding out her secret and yet she goes and teases the men about not knowing so that at least Zeke is thinking about it now. And when he says you must be a mage or a seer, she says I can't be both, which is suggesting she is a mix of both. This may or may not be her secret, but for someone who doesn't want anyone to know she is certainly (almost purposefully seeming) to strike their curiosity. I think you just need to change this a bit so it sounds more like Akira is such small hints it would take someone intelligent to realize she is even letting anything loose. Of course, Zeke would be clever enough to pick up on it as he is now
I hope this helped. It's time for me to go to bed! I will look at the others tomorrow...
Deanie x
Hai Noelle, your ever faithful warrior has come to review your chapter! I didn't review the previous two because they already had plenty of reviews. Though I couldn't help but comment on this one, mostly because I want to tell you what an adorable Bristan and Zeke is, Zeke seems to be terribly interested in Akia, is this the foreshadow to something greater? In any case, I think you are developing Akia finely as we progress along, and the newly introduced Bristan and Zeke were quite a spice to read. (Sounds like I wanna eat them...)
So, like Holy said. The part where Akia suddenly broke free the rope wasn't exactly over the top to me so much as to confusing. The part from where Akia got annoy from Britain's jeering to her imagining the ropes and pushing them to the ground seemed very brief. As if Akia didn't think it through at all, from what I've so far Akia is a dare-devil but not one to think without judgment. So, maybe expand that a bit more and you can use that to characterize Akia. Reveal to us her thoughts, some of her deeper emotions on what has happened so far. And like Holy said, should Akia be really so free as to show her magic around just to make Britain afraid of her? But then, I guess Akia doing that might foreshadow something important later on. The general pace of this chapter was quite good, steady and you kept the action moving. I also found your dialogue to be quite well written and smooth as well.
There was a spelling mistake when you spelt to, instead of too. Also, I would love it if you can include some not descriptions of Zeke and Britain or the city. Because right now, I don't have a very clear sense of Akia's surroundings. I know is only chapter three, but is always important to let the readers know what kind of world she is in,
But beside that, this was my favorite chapter. xD. Going to review the next one now!
-Laure
Hello! I didn't forget!
I like the part were Akia turns the bearded guy's words against him; when she says 'what are ya in for stealing cologne?' Yeah, that was good!
So how about that punctuation! I've been finding that you have quite a few places that could use a coma, or two. Maybe I'm wrong. I can't seem to find an example right now! But you know, punctuation can change the entire meaning of what you're writing. In which case I say: weald the weapon with skill, and patience... but don't be afraid to use it!
7th paragraph:
I believe you forgot the 'er' in 'younger'.
Another thing I found, was that Akia seems a little over-the-top. She's here and there, beating up tough dudes, and throwing her magic around willy-nilly. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just giving you my opinion. It feels like she's gone against something, like orders maybe... because she seems really juvenile.
I think she might be a bit more believable, if you had less moments like the one in the vehicle. You could still have her wanting to do that, and imagining doing so, but not in real life so much.
I thought this Bristan dude was a thirty year-old, bearded man.
Anyway, I enjoyed this! This plot of yours seems to be going well, keep it up!
-Socks