Falyn
Falyn instantly regretted staying behind. While she was sitting here on the couch, Mina was off with their parents getting to live the life that they could’ve once had. Isn’t that what Falyn had been waiting for? To find the place that she was supposed to be? But Aidan was dangling information in front of her face. How was she supposed to resist? He was going to tell her things he refused to even tell his own sister. It had to be something really important. And she didn’t want to miss it.
She wondered what Mina was doing right now. It was obvious that she was less than ecstatic to have finally met her real parents. Falyn didn’t get it. Their lives had change significantly for the better. Why was Mina so uninterested?
“Falyn,” Aidan said, pulling her from her thoughts.
“Yeah?”
He took a breath, then let it out, shaking his head. “I just can’t talk about this right now. Why can’t I talk about this?” He ran his hands through his hair, leaving a mess where a neatly combed hairdo had been. “Just give me a minute, will you? I haven’t been in this house for years.”
“Yeah, sure,” Falyn responded. That definitely didn’t help her nerves. First Aidan says he’s going to tell her secrets he wouldn’t even tell Akia and now he said he couldn’t even tell her. Something was up. Why else would he be this nervous?
She sat for a while and watched him wander around, re-acclimating himself to the house. He hadn’t been back for years. Of course he’d be more hesitant. It had to be strange for him.
But how long could she wait to let him look around, really? What if he never got around to telling her anything? She’d have to get him to talk somehow. So she decided to follow him around. He’d talk when he was ready.
The first place he went was the kitchen. It seemed odd to her, but when she followed him into the room, she saw why he chose to start there.
It was like any other normal kitchen; countertops, stove, refrigerator, sink. But what made this one different were the pictures hanging from the walls. There didn’t seem to be much space that wasn’t covered with frames. Falyn recognized them immediately. They were pictures of Akia and Aidan all at different ages. Ones with smiles on their faces, others where they looked like they were ready to kill each other. Falyn couldn’t help but laugh at those ones. The two siblings both had intense personalities. Of course they would clash as children.
Aidan had made his way through the pictures quickly. He’d probably stared at them enough times over his life that it didn’t take more than a glance to remember. Falyn however, wanted to look at them all. Never before had she gotten a chance to look into Akia’s past.
She looked the same as a child as she did now. The only difference was that her blond hair was lighter and had more curls. In pictures, she was always smiling. Falyn couldn’t remember the last time she had seen Akia smile – genuinely smile. These pictures were most definitely taken before the mess with Rhys even started. Falyn went down the line, taking in every image of the siblings until she came to one near the edge of the wall.
“This your parents?” she asked. The man in the picture was considerably taller than the woman and barely seemed to fit in the picture frame. Falyn found it strange because both Aidan and Akia were average height.
Aidan doubled back to look over her shoulder. “Yup, that’s them. Kit and Frida Noyes. They were great parents.”
“Were?” Falyn inquired. She knew that she was probably overstepping a boundary, but she wanted to know. Akia surely wouldn’t tell her.
“Yeah,” Aidan responded sadly. “Dad was killed by Rhys and Mom is… well, not around.”
“What do you mean ‘not around’?”
“Rhys has her.”
“How do you know?”
Aidan hesitated. “Can we do this somewhere else? I don’t want my parents staring at me while I admit to all my mistakes.” Without waiting for an answer, he walked past her through the kitchen and started down the stairs. Falyn stared. How long had the stairs been there? She hadn’t noticed them when she was looking around. Maybe she had just overlooked them. She quickly pushed the thought to the back of her mind and followed him down the stairs.
The second she reached the bottom of the stairs, a shiver ran down her spine. The basement was dark and damp and obviously unfinished. A single light bulb hung just a few paces in front of her. The walls were bare and most had tears in the wallpaper running down.
Those better be from rats. Falyn thought. She didn’t want to even exercise the thought that something, or someone, else had made those marks. The room was creepy enough to begin with. She didn’t want the stories that went along with it.
Light filled the room from the opposite wall. Aidan appeared beneath the other light bulb, obviously being the one who turned it on. Falyn was speechless as she looked around.
While the first part of the room was dingy and just disgusting, the other side was very well kept. There were blue walls, just like the upstairs, and a red, complicated patterned carpet. There were swirls and lines and geometric figures everywhere. Falyn couldn’t make sense of it no matter how much she stared at it.
Standing on the rug were two couches, one large and one considerably shorter, both made of a black material that looked like leather. The large one looked like it could hold five people while the smaller one looked to only hold two. A wooden table stretched out the length of the large couch in front of it, papers littered across its surface. Falyn couldn’t tell what they were, but she could see that someone had written all over them.
“What is this place?” she asked, still looking around. She couldn’t get enough. It was strange to see such a livable abode just a few paces away from such a damaged place. The biggest question was why someone put it there.
Aidan smiled as he sat in the middle of the large couch. “This is where Akia and I used to hang out. Once she was old enough to know what was going on, that is. Mom and Dad never came down here. And even if they did, it was for something from under the stairs. Their vision was one directional.”
Falyn turned to peek beneath the stairs. Sure enough, there were three stacks of sleek, gray boxes. There didn’t seem to be much that could fit in the boxes which made Aidan’s story more believable. Not that Falyn didn’t believe him, but she was a bit skeptical. She still didn’t fully understand what his motives were.
“Come sit,” Aidan said, waving her over. She obliged, but chose to sit on the smaller couch rather than next to Aidan like he had motioned. He simply shrugged. “Suit yourself. I don’t bite you know.”
“What exactly are you going to tell me?” Falyn asked.
“Everything,” he responded. “Okay, maybe not everything, but some things. I have to tell someone.”
“About what?”
“Where I’ve been for the past four years.”
“Akia said you were in Sedula.”
“Yeah, well I lied to her, didn’t I?” He sighed and leaned back. Staring at the ceiling, he continued. “My sister and I were always close, but I did some dumb stuff in my life. One of them being leaving her to fend for herself. She’s doing just fine without me, but it still doesn’t sit well. I should’ve been there for her when she was working as a guard. I should’ve been there when she had that fight with Rhys. I should’ve been there when—”
“Wait,” Falyn interrupted. “She and Rhys had a fight? When was this? Was that when he first started being… evil?”
Aidan chuckled. “He’s always been evil. Somehow my sister brought out the normal side of him. I’m not going to say the good side because he doesn’t have one. He cares for my sister very much, but he also cares very much about Niro too believe it or not.”
Falyn stared. “And that means… what?”
“That means that Rhys cares about anyone that he knows is on his side. So when my sister was his friend, he cared about her. He still sees her as his friend even though they’re now fighting against each other.”
“Hang on. Why would he torture and kidnap her if he saw her as a friend? That’s not really something you do to your friend.”
“I know,” Aidan replied. “He’s one crazed guy. Look, I don’t pretend to know what he’s thinking. I’m just stating the facts.”
“And how do you know these facts?” Falyn asked, her eyes narrowing. She hadn’t really thought about it before, but Aidan seemed to know a lot more than he should’ve.
“Because I’ve been working with him for years.”
He said it so nonchalantly that Falyn was sure she had heard him wrong. Someone who was admitting to working with the enemy wouldn’t announce it so easily like that. But he had said it, just like that. It’s the truth.
How could he do this? To Akia of all people. She had spent years trying to be rid of Rhys and all the memories that came with him. And all that time, Aidan had been working with him. Maybe he didn’t care for his sister as much as Falyn had thought.
Then she realized something, something that made her blood turn to ice. Desperation took over. Her heart raced as she thought of how to get out. Aidan was working with Rhys and she was trapped in this room with him.
That’s why he brought me down here! She realized. Why else would he look to her to confide in? They barely knew each other. Here he was planning the entire time to talk her into trusting him and then he’d take her to Rhys.
She stood quickly and made her way to the stairs. She didn’t dare look back. If she did, she might fall into another trap. That could not happen.
“Whoa, hey,” Aidan called from behind her. “Wait up!” Before she could even make it to the first step, he was in front of her, blocking her path. “Where are you going? We have to talk.”
“No, Aidan, we’re not talking. You’re talking, trying to buy time for Rhys to get here.” She saw confusion in Aidan’s eyes, but she wasn’t about to believe it. “Don’t lie to me. I understand why you came back now. And I’m not about to let you get away with this.” She pushed past him, but he grabbed her arm quickly, pulling her back.
“You have the wrong impression,” he said softly, calmly. How dare he insist on being so manipulative? “I’m not working for him anymore. I said I was. Why do you think I’m here?”
“To bring me back to him!”
“No, Falyn, think,” he snapped. “I’m here in Lightport for good. I’ve been around you countless times in the past twelve, fourteen hours. Why would I pass up my opportunity to get the job done?”
She wanted to believe him, but she just couldn’t bring herself to. “Because you wanted it to be easy. Face it, getting me alone is easier than trying to convince the others why you’re taking me somewhere.”
Aidan looked flustered. Maybe she had found his weak spot. He must’ve realized that he couldn’t hide the truth from her anymore and that she was going to thwart his plans. She wasn’t going anywhere with him even if she had to hurt him to stop him.
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Hello, Noelle! KatyaElefant here for another review! Let's see what we have right here...
Why did Aidan work for Rhys in the first place? I mean, Aidan said that he was never a good person and was always bad so why did he work for him at all? I bet it was either because he was mistaken some what or Rhys put his mother in captive and the only way to release her is to work for him. That really doesn't make sense that he just has this sudden change in heart. I think that maybe Falyn is right about being paranoid because why would he ever change? I bet that Aidan is being forced to act like he is changing sides but then he must betray them all.
I really love the imagery in this piece. Though metaphorical imagery would be nice, you still did pretty well with your plain description of the entire place. I could see the house in my head better than the training building. There are some small details that I didn't get of the house but sometimes you don't have space, time or the effort to put them in.
I'm also really happy that you didn't end this chapter with a cliffhanger and not something that is sort of cliffhangery. It's actually something that ends the part of the chapter but still makes you interested enough to read some more(I almost said turn the page but then I realized that I'm not reading a book. It's so good I almost thought it was a published book!)
Overall, this chapter is really hard to comment on. It's really well written and as I looked at the reviews down below, I realized that they were MUCH shorter than usual and they had barely anything to say. You have baffled us, Noelle!
Keep calm and keep writing
KatyaElefant
Hey, Noelle! This is the chapter I've been waiting for :3
The is my favorite chapter. Definitely.
It all flowed so very well, going through Aidan's knowledge and a short history before Falyn get's a paranoid. But I'm not sure if it's just paranoia. Because we don't get an answer. It sort of fades off to 'Falyn's leaving', but we're never told anything about Aidan having a plan.
Now, I'm sort if curious as to why the sudden change of heart from Aidan. It is something sort if the be suspicious of (but, if he were trying to kidnap Falyn and I was Falyn, I would be caught xD You did a really great job of showing off his more tender side, and just, I just loved it. He seemed so trusting, I didn't even think about how she'd react...) and wasn't he really intent on keeping his mother safe not too long ago? It seems odd he's suddenly switch to the side of her sister. And even in her (Akia) flashbacks, it didn't really seem like they were that close. I remember the one about him coming home and she just ran upstairs, frustrated. Maybe look into that more.
More little nitpicks that stuck out to me as I read ~
Has he really now? He definitely didn't said that a paragraphs before. Nope. But seriously, Aidan just told Falyn that, do we have to be told in narration as well? And also, it kind of seems like another moment you slip out of Falyn's perspective, so maybe just edit this out.
That was quick. He opened up fast and then went back to his stubborn-ness of trying to get ready. Which I totally understand, but it just seems so sudden. There's no hesitation about it when before he was so careful about what he said. That's alright to have, but Falyn doesn't notice it? She just skips right to the interrogation.
One last thing that's kind of small but I thought about is that there isn't a sure fire reaction from Falyn. Sure there's her thinking about how calmly it sounded but the it switches to thinking about him betraying Akia and all that. That's great and all but there's no surprise from Falyn? Nothing? Someone just told her his biggest secret and she doesn't process it for herself. Maybe add in some thought of surprise or add in that how calmly he said it delayed anything thought about it, and stuffs.
Anyway, I'm really excited to see where this leads next! Happy Review Day and Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
Hey Noelle! :3

You are definitely making this hard for us to review. I have next to nothing to say about this chapter... It was just so good! I loved that Aiden has finally confessed to someone and I can't wait to see what he does or says next. I want to know why he has decided to tell someone now of all times, and I get the impression that whatever he does next is going to either convince Falyn completely or turn her away for all time. Things are hanging in the balance... as well as that this chapter has some amazing descriptions in it, which I was very happy to see! I was able to easily picture where everything was and what the house looked like. Even though it was through pictures as well, it was good to see a bit more of Akia's past and the relationship she and her brother must have shared. It was a good chapter, so keep up this quality. It's developed so much from where we originally started at
The one thing I am really lacking when it comes to this dialogue and the actions you have tagging along with it are face expressions. If you have those down to print than you have everything I could think of putting in this chapter. You do mention the tone in which Aiden speaks when he reveals everything, but I wanted to know what he looked like. Was he nervous? Had he finally come to terms with the mistakes he had made so that he looked calm as he spoke? Or did he look blank and emotional, which is probably a disguise for the real pain he is feeling? I wanted to know and I am sure you could explain it in some more detail!
'Change' should be actually be 'changed'.
This part got a bit repetitive. Aiden literally just said that he wanted to look around because he hadn't been back for years. And then you have the word 're-acclimating' to further that idea. Which made it very unnecessary and repetitive when you had that next line in there. I would simply remove.
Comma after the word 'too.'
You're switching to past tense here in the disguise of this apostrophe. That actually says 'It is' in a short method, so you need to take that 's' and symbol away to make it 'was' instead.
Man, nothing more to say already. You keep writing so well!
Deanie x
Hey Noelle!
Oh boy, poor Akia. With the small amount of information Falyn now knows, Akia might just get the wrong story! >.< It was nice hearing from Falyn again, in any case.
This is a tough one. I really find it difficult to keep the descriptions down and at the same time have all the bases covered for what the characters will be interacting with. I just don't like the "Huh, I guess I never saw that" approach. To me it seems kind of like stairs would be obvious, so it's a bit odd when there unnoticed- but at the same time I understand that that can happen.... so, it's hard to say. I suppose the thing I found a bit off about this was that Falyn goes on for a couple sentences about not seeing the stares. It just makes it seem like she's almost faking not seeing the stairs, if that makes any sense...?
I think for situations like this it might be best to stick with just the bare minimum of recognition, such as: Then he walked down some steps that she hadn't seen on her way in just very simple, so as not to draw too much attention to it. Just my opinion perhaps though.
I found this piece of dialogue very confusing. Why is it that they could only hang out in their basement when Akia was old enough to understand what was going on? What was going on? Why wouldn't their parents ever go into their basement? I suppose if it was reserved for the kids... but this makes it seem like the basement is top secret or something. I really don't understand the parents vision being one directional. That just kind of seems randomly put in there and I don't even understand what it means. D: So maybe if you answered some of those questions by Aiden explaining a little more, or something.
I just found this funny! XD How DARE he! But it doesn't really seem that Falyn ( or possibly yourself ) were sure what to call Aiden's behaviours. I just thought it was funny, is all!
Keep up the awesomeness Noelle!!!
-Socks
Hey Noelle! All your cheering helped a lot,
imagining you with pom poms in a cheerleaders outfit had me snorting with laughterI'm finally back to reviewing!Mostly, your story doesn't have any major grammatical mistakes, so this is mainly going to be about the plot. I haven't had the time to read the reviews underneath, so I'm super sorry if I repeat anything!
Okay. *takes deep breath* Let's get to your story.
I would have loved to start this review like, WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME? AIDAN? NO! WHAT, WHEN, WHAT? , because that was exactly what I was thinking (and perhaps also screaming out loud) when I finished the story. Wow, that explained why everyone seem so touchy about talking about Rhys in front of him. And right now, I am dying for the next chapter because you've just left us readers hanging! I'm thinking, Aidan seems so nice and earnest and honest, and he seemed to care for Akia so much, but he seemed so flustered towards the end, and generally people are flustered when they're caught doing the wrong thing! , that's how crazy you've gotten me!
And you know what? That's the most crucial thing for a talented writer. You need to have the readers wide-eyed, gasping, jaw-dropping throughout the story. If you keep writing like this, no one can ever get bored reading your novel.
One more thing I want to tell you. The last time you showed us Aidan and Falyn was way back in Chapter 28 (Part Two) After that, of course, was Akia's point of view. It's all very nice to keep us waiting and build the suspense, but this time, I think it was a wee bit too long. I know it's just 3 chapters in the middle, but I was really distracted while reading them since I kept thinking about what Aidan wanted to tell her. It kind of gets the readers impatient. It was still okay this time, but unless it's completely necessary, I suggest you avoid too-long waits in the future.
I liked how, in the beginning, you share all of Falyn's confused feelings about Mina. It really leaves the reader curious for the reason behind Mina's negativity and unsatisfaction. The way there was that hint of jealousy in Falyn about how Mina got to go with their parents and Falyn was staying back, made her seem so humane and that really gives the readers a sense of relatibility and comfort.
The tense was a little confusing here. It was present tense at first and then it jumped to past tense. It wasn't legitimately wrong, but it was a bit confusing. It made me jump back and re-read the sentence, which disrupted the flow. Since you've got a now before he said it would be better if you turned 'said' into 'says', so you maintain a tense throughout the sentence. Or you could make the entire sentence in the past tense. It's up to you.
It seemed strange that Falyn didn't empathize or seem at all sorry for his loss. It seemed rather insensitive of her, which isn't a very nice thing. Being the protagonist, she needs to have some compassion, since that is a characteristic that we see in everybody somewhere deep inside. Falyn being a heroine of sorts, needs to have basic good qualities on the surface, even if that seems to perfect-perfect and fairytale-ish. Especially since she just got her parents back.
Secret staircase that can be only opened by Aidan? Or a simple overlook by Falyn? I look forward to seeing in the future chapters. All these small things are what make your chapters so enjoyable!
From here on, I like how the sentences are so short from here on. They express how panicked Falyn was.
One more thing I noticed, we are yet to know what 'secret' Aidan wanted to tell Falyn! Actually, now I think of it, that depends on what will happen next. If Aidan isn't a bad guy after all, then he sincerely has to tell her a secret, which we don't know yet. But if Aidan does turn out to be a bad guy (NOOOOOO!) then it's quite possible that there never was any real secret', it was all just a trap.
That's it for now! Your writing was engaging, and I was totally engrossed! I really want to find out what happens next! I look forward to the next part!
P.S. - Super sorry about how disorganized this review is! I hope it made sense, and was perhaps helpful!
Thanks so much for the review! I'm glad you were able to get over your reviews block.
I'm still struggling ughYeah, I thought maybe it had been too long since we've seen Falyn. But I couldn't think of a better way to time it so that's how it turned out. Oh, what if I push back the last few chapters with Akia and put this one first? That might actually work. Yay ideas! :3
Timmy heeeere!
I never knew that Aidan had been working with Rhys. o.o It does seem odd, but also explains why he acted somewhat strange throughout the preceding chapters. And, of course, anyone would completely understand why Falyn didn't believe what he said. Who would? Especially with how they are so nervous and up tight about everything - and anything to do with Rhys, they're especially nervous. Hmm... I don't know what to think about this, really. Phillip knows what he's doing, and Aidan is Akia's brother (I thought so, right?), and he seemed friendly and good friends with George... who was hiding secrets from everyone, with the help of Aidan. This is so confusing. xD You're doing such a great job with all of these sub-plots and your characters are so deep. You pay good attention to detail and making sure they have a history.
One thing I find throughout this chapter which, while it isn't a big deal at all, can be redundant in the most subtle of ways. Your sentence structure. They're all so short. Many of them are boom, boom, boom, boom. And while it isn't a terrible thing, it keeps all of your sentences restricted. Longer sentences help keep a flow going, as well as keeping your sentences with different lengths. Most of your sentences seem to not even contain one comma in the middle to separate them, and many of them could be even put together to make different sentence lengths. Longer sentences are great for descriptions and thought, while the shorter sentences are the best for doing action. Because your reader is doing the boom, boom, boom as they read the story. So I would try alternate sentence lengths, and mix them up. Not a big deal at all, but something I would think about and look at for future chapters.
You mean these instead of this?
And the place where Aidan told Falyn about how her parents were dead (or the dad, anyway)? The emotion was good on the side of Falyn, but it felt flat and almost nonexistent when it came to Aidan. There were just his dialogue taglines with the he said sadly and all that, but the reader has no idea that his parents are dead. o.0 You can't just throw it out at us, give us this life-changing news (for our relation with the character), and then not allow to see inside his emotions and feelings about this. Sadly just wasn't enough for me. I want a more in-depth visual of his emotions when he's looking at the picture of his parents.
Comma after bite
You used that three times in less than a sentence. And, if you read through your piece, you use the word that so much throughout. It's like its there at least once in every sentence, and while it's difficult to avoid using that (<-- hehe, there it is) word on occasion, I would try to use it less often than you do. Even common-place words such as that become redundant after too much usage.
The first two sentences I pulled out here don't make any sense until you read the third sentence. So if you took them and put the third sentence before the other two? Reading it that way, it makes much more sense and flows through better.
Now I am wondering what's going to happen with Aidan. He truly seems as though he's earnest when he says he isn't working with Rhys anymore. And how he told Falyn that Rhys had never been a good person? o.o Talk about alarming news.... From what I had learned from Akia's perspective, I thought he had changed over time. Always been evil? That is a different matter entirely. It's surprising, but makes sense because every "vision" I've seen of Rhys has been him evil - no matter his age. If Aidan is working with Rhys still, though.... o.o That could mean not-so-great news for everyone involved, especially since he is so close to all of them. For some reason, I don't think he is working with him, though. He seems true (of course, this means you're going to come in and make sure he's still working with Rhys. xd). I wonder when Zeke is going to find her, and if she will confide in him as she always done when having these problems. I wonder what he'll say when he gets to her. hmph. I guess I will have to wait until the next chapter.
Sorry for the near-worthless review. Writing them for you is so hard.~Darth Timmyjake