“How is that even possible?” Sam asked.
“No idea.”
“And you’re sure he doesn’t have any of the other powers the same way he has shapeshifting.”
Akia shrugged. “He might. But the fight is over because I have the locket with the powers. Once I give everyone their powers back, we’ll be able to overthrow Rhys for good.”
Sam nodded. He seemed to understand now. “But we have that other guy to deal with too now. What’s his name again? Dorrin?”
“Yeah. Do you know who he is?”
“No idea.”
Akia stood. “We better get back. We’re not going to get anything done just sitting here.” Sam agreed and they both turned to head back out of the building. Before they could even take a step, they froze. Akia quickly closed her fist around the locket.
Standing just inside the dining area were Dorrin and Rhys. Seth’s hands were being held behind his back and he looked more miserable than he had before. Rhys was the one holding him on his feet, and it didn’t look like he was being all too gentle. She felt bad for the kid. He got thrown into everything before he was ready.
Dorrin was the one who spoke first. “The little one squealed,” he said plainly. “Told us he saw you. It took a little… extra encouragement.” He looked at Seth, who immediately shrunk back. Akia clenched her fists. He’d tortured Seth.
She kicked herself for leaving him earlier. Why did she think that she had enough time to get the locket? She should’ve seen it coming. Seth was only a kid who had been told about Rhys and his threats. Of course he would fold under pressure in a real situation. Anybody would.
Sam reached out and grabbed Akia’s right hand. It was strange, having him hold her hand like that. What was he doing? Then she realized he was trying to slip the locket from her grasp. She turned, giving him a questioning look. His expression didn’t change, but his eyes said it all. Trust me.
Boy do I ever. She wished she could tell him, although she was sure he already knew. They’d been in this together since the beginning, and it was starting to feel like the end. There wasn’t anyone else she wanted by her side.
Dorrin suddenly laughed, making Akia jump. “Are you two having a moment?” he asked. “Should we step out?”
“You’re free to leave,” Sam snaps, sliding his hand away from Akia’s, taking the locket with him. He quickly stuffed his hands in hi pockets. “We’re not stopping you.”
“You can’t get rid of us that easily,” Dorrin replied.
“You have something of mine.” Rhys said, finally speaking up. He was staring directly at Akia. “I need it back. Now.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Akia replied. Her voice was steady and unwavering, but she knew that it didn’t matter. Despite what she said or how she said it, Rhys has seen the locket. No matter how long he had been standing there, he saw her holding it. She wasn’t stupid; she didn’t hide it fast enough.
Rhys narrowed his eyes. “The locket, Akia. Don’t play stupid with me. I know you have it.”
Smiling, she held her palms out. “It’s not here. I don’t know what you want from me.”
Rhys grabbed Seth’s hair and pulled. The boy cried out, but quieted quickly when Rhys placed a dagger against his throat. Akia immediately recognized it as the dagger used to kill her father.
Despite her efforts to bury the memory, she could still remember every detail of that day. She had stumbled into the building, hoping that it wasn’t true, that her father was still fighting. But there he was on the floor while Rhys lounged in a luxurious chair. Niro had been there now that she thought about it. And then there was that sapphire colored dagger shimmering in the light, just like it was now.
She shook involuntarily. It wasn’t out of fear, as she was sure Rhys would assume, but instead because of anger. Not only was he threatening Seth, but he was threatening her at the same time. He was reminding her of what he could do with such a blade.
“Hey now,” Sam interjected, his voice shaking. Akia knew it was all an act. He wasn’t really scared. “Leave the boy out of it. We’re here, okay? You’ve got us. Let him go.”
Rhys glared. “Akia needs to give me the locket before I even think of giving you the boy.”
“Looks like we’re at a standstill then,” Akia retorted, crossing her arms. “I’m not giving you the locket and you can’t kill Seth.”
“Who said I can’t?” Rhys asked, raising an eyebrow.
“You kill him and we’ll disappear with the locket.” Sam snapped. Akia was surprised that he was taking charge of the situation. It was usually her running the show.
Rhys didn’t seem to appreciate that. He didn’t move, didn’t respond. They truly were at a standstill. Now it was all up to her. She had to find a way to snag Seth and transport back to Lightport with the locket.
Easier said than done.
She looked at Dorrin out of the corner of her eye. With the mask, she really couldn’t tell anything about him. But his eyes gave him away. While they were full of fire, they were bored. He was only there because Rhys asked him to be. He’d much rather be anywhere else.
She had to figure out what magic he had. It would be easy to overtake Rhys because she knew him; knew his magic, his fighting style. Dorrin wouldn't be as easy to get rid of. And seeing as she'd never even heard of him before, there was no way she could know what he could do.
Maybe she could give him to Sam, let Sam fight him off. It only made sense for her to fight Rhys because she was the one he was after. Dorrin didn't seem to care about her at all. She didn't even know what to think of him. If she fought would he fight back? Probably. He was on Rhys's side.
Dorrin feigned a yawn. "Are we just going to stand here? I actually have things to do back in my world."
"Which world is that?" Akia asked, not believing her luck. He was going to make it too obvious. But his lips curled into such a menacing smile that she didn't want to know anything about him anymore. It sent a chill down her spine and forced her to take a step back.
"Wouldn't you want to know?" he responded. "Don't worry, you'll be there soon enough."
"Okay, enough nonsense," Sam said. "We'll give you the locket and you give us Seth.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out the locket, holding it up in the light. Akia’s heart stopped.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” she hissed. “You can’t
just hand it over to him!”
“Trust me,” he responded.
There it was again. “Trust me, I know what I’m doing. Just be ready to attack,
okay?” She had no other choice. There was nothing she had planned and Sam
seemed to be confident in his.
Rhys’s eyes widened. His grip loosened on Seth’s arms. He was losing it, Akia could tell. This was the missing piece in his plan. With the locket, he could take the powers from everyone in Lightport, then find his way into Agathi and overtake the mages. The locket was his key to succeeding in his plan. She could see the hunger in his eyes.
Sam said to be ready to attack. But when was she supposed to attack? Now would be a good time. Rhys was distracted by the locket. Even Dorrin seemed less focused than before. She had to take advantage no matter what Sam was planning.
She looked past the barrier and out of the front window. The clouds had reached the ground and were creating a thick layer of fog. It was getting late and the sun had fallen behind the horizon. The fog took advantage, absorbing the darkness and using it to gain strength. The perfect cover was just within her grasp.
Blocking out everything, she focused on the fog. She closed her eyes and saw it in her mind. She imagined it morphing, growing, moving, until it was right in front of her. It created a blanket of darkness, blocking off her and Sam from the others. It was perfect, she couldn’t see through it.
There was a sudden, hard punch to her stomach. She doubled over, losing focus on the fog. When she looked up, the room was back and Dorrin was staring at her intently. He must’ve done something to her to cause the pain. It wasn’t a punch seeing as he didn’t look like he had moved. He had to have used magic, which meant that he was a magician or mage. She could deal with that.
Just as she was going to call back the fog, she noticed it slipping in through the door and into the room. All she could do now was wait for it to come. But would she be able to wait that long?
"You hand that over, boy," Rhys said pointedly. "You have no right to even hold that locket. This is not your fight."
Sam's eyes filled with fire. "When you destroyed my world, you made an enemy in me. Akia might be the one you really want, but I'll stand by her until there's nothing left of you. Starting with keeping this locket out of your grasp."
Akia prayed that they would keep talking. The fog was rolling in faster than before. It had already taken over the carry out area and was creeping into the dining area. There was a minuscule amount of fog on the ground. She stared at it, wrapping her mind around it again, willing it to move faster and fill up the room. It started to fill the room more quickly, creating a cloud up to her ankles. No one else had noticed. Both Dorrin and Rhys had their attention on Sam. It was then that Akia realized Seth was the only one that saw the fog. When he met her gaze, she smiled, showing him that she had it under control.
“I’m not playing games, boy,” Rhys snapped. “If you don’t hand it over, I swear I will—" He stopped short. It seemed that he had realized what the fog was doing. He looked at Akia who only smirked back at him.
------------------------
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hello, Noelle! KatyaElefant here for another review! Let's see what we have right here...
So wait. How did Rhys manage to take over worlds without his locket that takes away their powers? I remember you mentioned in a previous chapter how he took over a world somehow but I didn't get how and what he did to the world. I think you need to elaborate on what he does when he takes over these worlds.
When you say that Seth looks miserable, I want you to describe the dried up tears on his face or the tears that are currently running down his face. Also the physical appearance would be nice so I could feel my heart strings being pulled so that I'm yelling at Akia to go save Seth right now. I don't even really remember what Seth looks like, that's how much I care about him right now. If you get the heroes to save him, I need to get some emotional attachment to that kid so that I feel bad for him and what he has gone through. I feel some emotional attachment for he is being tortured but not that much. (I am a terrible, terrible person for saying that).
How do the villains not see the fog? Like if you are looking at a person, you are also bound to notice that there is some sort of foggy substance around the person's ankles. Also that last part is a little misleading where you say that Seth is the only one who saw the fog. The other characters have the ability to see the fog but they may not notice that the fog is right there. Also what is the fog doing? Why did you have to end this on a cliffhanger, again?
I'm also a bit confused about the action scenes and magic. I told you that if in the first few chapters, you had explained how magic worked, maybe the readers might have a better understanding of magic and so they may be able to understand the action scenes and the "physics" of magic.
Keep calm and keep writing
KatyaElefant
Hey, Noelle!
I'm going to kill Akia for being such an idiot. *is only a couple paragraphs in* So, obviously she didn't take those certain precautions to make sure no one else was around. That may have been smart. *facepalm*
That happened. So, I feel like Dorrin is from Agathi, since he's most definitely not from Lightport. And I don't think he'd like to be living in a world which Rhys had crumbled. And thinking about this now, I wonder if he's one of the heads of Agathi o.o That's why it hasn't crumbled to Rhys yet. (And may not ever). He seems all high and mighty up on his high horse. But yet he doesn't seem that powerful... I'm thoroughly confused.
The magic also kind of confused me. At first, I thought she was magic the black fog appear suddenly, instantly blocking out any vision, since she talked about it being pitch black. Well, apparently not. I did like how you described her reaching out towards the fog, but maybe make it more clear what happened?
And then with Dorrin seemingly punching her, with the first image in mind about how the fog was pitch black (and already filled the room) it seemed odd that Dorrin would be able to hit her so quickly. Which threw me off even more and I was forced to go back and reread what the heck just happened. Which then suddenly made me waaaay less impressed with Dorrin though xD
I did like the conversation, but it still doesn't make sense why Rhys doesn't just kill Seth. It would be so easy to just trap them, I'd say. Or why not just smash the locket? Anyone thought of a lord of the ring style scene. "THROW THE LOCKET INTO MORIDOR." But what would happen? Has Akia thought of doing this before? We know that she hasn't been able to get back to the locket, but stil. Might be useful to think what to do with it.
I'm running out of stuff to talks hour fast D: But this is getting sooooo intense! By advice still stands with ending it off soon, but maybe back at this point when Rhys shows up. That's a perfect cliffhanger that's all, "Shoot, we weren't as inconspicuous as we though." Anyways! Onward! Happy Review Day and Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
Hey Noelle!
Me again :3 So close to being all caught up! So closeee!
I think this was the part of the chapter I liked the least. Yes, we seem to have come to the most exciting part of the standoff where both Sam and Rhys seem to be the ones doing the communicating and Akia and Dorrin seem to be handling the magic side of things, but I wasn't feeling it as much as I had in the other chapters. The description was there and everything, but I am getting confused as to what the rules of magic are in this world, which I am going to be explaining later on as well. I did like the problems we are facing here, and it seems like Akia has an idea of how they are going to save Seth. I really hope it works. And I get the inkling we are soon going to have a demonstration of just how far Dorrin's powers go. He really is the mystery man and I can't wait to see more of him!
What I was curious about in the beginning is how Seth could've squealed. You can only torture someone for information when you know they have some and they simply aren't sharing it. But in this case neither Dorrin or Rhys had seen Akia or Sam, so they had no idea they had been there. So what was the point of torturing Seth for that information if they didn't know he knew any. Or had Dorrin sensed that they had had some unwelcome guests or something? If that is the case then make sure you mention it. In the end his gaze in their direction could've been the source of them knowing something. I just wonder how they knew the right questions to ask as they tortured him. Also, when Akia next sees Seth there should be some sure signs (as in, injuries) to show that he had been tortured to get the information. But we can't see any of them, and if there are some, then show it. If it wasn't physically done but was done with some kind of magic then maybe you should mention her connecting eyes with Seth and realizing that they were more disturbed, hurt and lost than before, and then give her the idea that any form of torture must have been done using magic.
My second problem is the rules of magic. I really don't understand how that is supposed to work at the moment. If they have the locket and Akia and Sam can both do magic, why they don't they simply magic the locket off to somewhere Rhys won't be able to find it, so that he really can't find it? Or possibly even create a secret replacement that doesn't hold any magic inside. In my mind those sound like some plausible ideas. The thing about magic in stories is that it can usually make easy way outs. That's why authors really need to define how the magic works so that it won't always have a reachable and easy solution, which in turn still makes the issues in the book issues. What you haven't done yet is lay down any set rules in a clear enough manner for me to know when they really can't use magic.
Nitpicks for you!
This is posed as a question, so it really needs a question mark at the end of it instead of a full stop.
Typo! *his
Firstly, you switch into present tense in the first sentence with the word 'has'. It should be had. That aside I felt like all these sentences were repeated themselves and never straying from the same meaning. It could simply be summed up to it being just the first line followed by 'she didn't hide it fast enough' in another one. We don't need all the bits in between; it gets repetitious.
I felt like the sentence should have the word 'too' after the there. In that case, a comma would be needed after the too.
The comma in this sentence should really be a colon.
I am going to move on and head towards that final chapter. See you there!
Deanie x
Hello Noelle!!
I kind of like Dorrin. I love that the whole situation just bores him. Of course, that's probably bad for Sam and Akia because they certainly don't have intimidation on their side. BUT still, he's kind of cool, you have to admit.
I kind of like all the trust that's going around between Akia and Sam, too, it's kinda cool. Also it was interesting that Sam kind of took charge there at the end, telling Rhys off and thinking up the plan.
You're going to hate me for saying this, but that would have been a great opportunity to explain how she recognized the dagger, and if you explain what it had looked like that was so memorable about it when Akia's dad died - as in, in that chapter - then you could have let us guess before you told us!
I don't really like Rhys calling Sam 'boy'. It just doesn't seem right- I mean, isn't there like zero years between them? I know that Rhys would consider Sam lesser then him, but saying boy mostly makes me think that Rhys is just really old. Then again, I seem to remember you saying that all Rhys's magic had kept him young or something, and he's really like a hundred and something, or fifty something... which I don't think would work with Rhys being Akia's childhood friend... so I think you may have changed that, but I'm not sure.
In any case, keep it up!!! I'm quite liking this chapter!
-Socks
Timmy hereee
The plot thickens (I've wanted to say that for so longgg), and now we're seeing a standoff. YAY. I love those, because they're so lively - but yet at the same time, they're also dry and stiff in a way. Because the character's aren't always showing their real selves, but biding their time and saying what will keep them alive the longest. This was one of the best I've read in a long long while. And the part with the fog? I loved the fog image, and how it came in and retreated, but in the end flooding the floor. That was a nice thing to have in there, and it seemed to ground that part and give it a more important reason than simply Sam and Rhy's back-and-forth banter.
This is something either not fully explained in the book or a bit I missed out on. I'd wager probably a mixture as the two. How are everyone's powers missing? When they were on that other planet, things didn't seem any different. I didn't notice that some people weren't able to do magic. Whenever I read a chapter, I saw at least one person using magic in some sense or form. So how does this work? I am a big fan of the locket holding the powers, though. A mucho big fan. ^.^
One thing I don't see as much in this chapter I find myself missing is your delicate balance of telling and showing we used to see. This chapter, I find more of the "he'd been tortured" kind of thing without giving us an image to show us what you're talking about. An image is so so so important for the visual of the scene (and the realistic side of things in many cases, too). So I think for this, since you already know how to fix these things (not like I have to give you a twenty minute explanation on show versus tell), I'll just point out a few places I would have liked to see more show.
I would have liked to see more show in why he looked miserable.
Rhys being rough... not too big of a surprise. xD But I would have liked to have a more showing image here - the narrator showing how he was being rough.
The bit of back-story thrown into the middle of the action? At first, it glared at me because my first reaction to that is to bring out the chainsaw and rip 'er up. But after reading through properly, I think I like it there. You wrote it short enough so it doesn't pull the reader away from the story (or at least not for very long), and it gives us very important information regarding Rhys' weapon. Knowing it's the same dagger that killed Akia's father is a definite woaaah moment, and one the reader needs to have the right attitude towards the situation.
So the fog. I've been in foggy places (I live beside a lake) where the fog is so so thick, you have trouble seeing. But never in a place where the fog was so thick you couldn't even see a person beside you. That isn't a problem because Akia is controlling this fog, but you need to make sure the reader understands that Akia isn't just bringing it in, but also intensifying it. To me, that's a detail you can't leave out. And one that would be so so cool to read - like get to read how she gathers it and brings it tighter. Cuz you know, Akia is pretty cool already.
Rhys' logic is difficult to understand sometimes with his "this isn't your fight" deal to Sam, but Sam's answer was perfect. And he seems to be the strong one behind all this - perhaps even more so than Akia. His personality and willingness to fight (and yet not looking for one) keeps their group strong, I think. And they do make a perfect pair. Should I initiate the shipping ceremony now? I've been wondering about them for a while now, and whereas before it seemed as though there might have been a chance between Sam and Falyn, it now seems obvious that it won't be them at all, but Falyn and Zeke. I have no idea why I am putting these people together as you'll probably do something rude authorish to pull them apart and set your story in mayhem again. xD It's just onee of the things you do. :p
Comma after Akia
Not much else I can say. >< I've always had a difficult time leaving a quality review on your book as it's always written so flawlessly. I say this in all seriousness, too. Writing a decent length review for you is probably harder than any other. Keep it up because this is becoming better and better as you go along, and each chapter becomes more difficult to review as I go, too. Your writing is improving from awesome to epic as I go along in this book. Continue writing strong. Your dedication is a O_0 sometimes. :p
~Darth Timmyjake