Across Worlds - Chapter 6

by Noelle

Published April 30, 2014

In Novel - Across Worlds (finished)

A/N: Ages have changed. Falyn is 16 while Akia, Mina, and Sam are 18. Zeke is 19. (wordcount: 1,967 for the LMSC)

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Akia

The blue light blinded her as it got closer. But before it could reach her, Zeke stepped in front of her and conjured a shield which deflected the spell. The shield grew until it covered all of them, Falyn, Mina, and Sam included, creating a barrier between them and the Force.

For several minutes there was nothing but silence. The Force was in shock and awe of the shield; Akia could see it in their faces. Their eyes danced between their comrades and the shield.

Zeke was the first one to speak up. “Why are you here?”

There was no answer until one of the guards stepped forward.

“We have your partner,” he said. “We came for you.”

Zeke laughed. “Bristan? He’s not my partner.”

“You were at the scene of the crime with him.”

“That doesn’t prove anything. I had only just met him. It’s sad that you’ve come all this way for an innocent man.”

“We came for her too.” The guard pointed at Akia. It didn’t surprise her. She knew that the Force would come for her. But they couldn’t get to her. And they never would. She was too smart for them.

“Well I’m not going to come with you either.”

“What’s going on here?” A man’s voice rang out through the room. Akia watched as the men parted.

A tall man entered the room. He wore a uniform similar to the rest of the Force; black pants and a navy blue overcoat. But by the badges on the overcoat, it was obvious that he was the one in charge.

Great. We’re so terrible that they had to bring the big guns in. She snuck a look at Zeke. He wasn’t bothered by any of this which only boosted her confidence. He would back her up. At least there was someone on her side.

“Dad,” Falyn said in a voice that was barely audible. Akia looked between her and the man in disbelief. There had to be a mistake. That couldn’t possibly be Falyn’s father.

Her eyes met Sam’s for a second. She could see it in his eyes too. Something was wrong.

The man looked at his daughter, equally as surprised that she was there. “Falyn, what’s going – why are you here with them? You should be at home.”

“I was home,” Falyn responded softly. “But then there was this—“

“A Hund Warrior destroyed your house. We were just trying to keep your daughter safe,” Akia snapped. As an afterthought she added, “Sir.”

He turned to face her. His face was plain, but he managed to sneak some confusion into his voice as he said, “What’s a Hund Warrior?”

Akia scoffed and folded her arms. “As if you don’t know.”

“I don’t.”

Akia looked at Sam again. He had the same expression on his face as she did; a look of disbelief. At least she wasn’t the only one that was confused.

When they moved the moonstar to Agathi, they sent her family with her. But this man wasn’t her true father. Akia could see right through his façade. They didn’t even look alike. Falyn’s supposed father had red hair and green eyes. And his skin was much darker than Falyn’s. What was the chance that Falyn got all of her mother’s genes?

This man wasn’t going to convince Akia that he was Falyn’s father. She knew better.

“So,” Zeke said, drawing out the word. “Are we gonna steamroll over these guys or are we gonna sit down for tea?”

“We’ll get you some tea when we get to your jail cell.” Falyn’s father responded.

Zeke raised a finger to his chin in mock thoughtfulness. “That’s a tempting offer, but I’m sure the tea would be cold by the time we got the. Let’s get ‘em guys.”

“I’m all for it,” Akia said. “Ready?”

“Whoa, wait a second,” Falyn said, frantically waving her arms. “I’m not going anywhere until I talk to my dad.”

Akia sighed. “Say a quick goodbye and then we have to leave.”

“No,” Falyn snapped. Akia turned to glare at her. She shrank back a bit, but stood her ground. “I won’t leave my father.”

The words hit Akia like a hammer. They echoed through her memory.

“No!” she cried out, rushing forward. She dropped to her knees in front of her father, shielding him from Rhys. “Please, I’ll do anything. Anything. Just don’t hurt my father!”

“Akia, honey,” her father said softly. She turned to face him, tears in her eyes. “I’m beyond help.” She looked at him, searching his eyes for the truth. She found no fear; as always. Her father was the strongest and bravest man she knew.

She pulled him into an embrace. Her father, the same man that taught her how to live life without any fear, was teaching her one last lesson: how to die for something you believe in.

His shackles held him to the ground, not allowing him to return the embrace. But she could feel his love for her regardless. She had always been able to read him well.

“Well isn’t this cute,” Rhys purred, twirling the dagger in the palm of his hand. Akia glared at him which only made him laugh. “I’m not afraid of you, daughter of Kit. Why did you even bother coming?”

“Because you threatened to kill my father.”

Rhys chuckled, running a finger along the blade of his dagger. “It wasn’t a threat, my dear. Trust me.”

“I won’t let you do it.”

Rhys narrowed his eyes. “And how are you gonna stop me? Unless you’ve learned some new tricks. Which I doubt you have.”

“I won’t leave my father.”

“Pity,” Rhys said as he flexed his fingers and Akia’s father twitched in pain. He relaxed his fingers and Kit collapsed to the floor. Akia rushed forward to comfort him.

“Don’t,” Rhys roared, making her jump. She turned to look at him. “If you touch him I won’t stop with him. I’ll kill your entire pathetic race, starting with you. Is that what you want?”

“Akia,” Kit said, his voice barely audible. “Save them. I don’t need you, they do. Just remember, I’ll always love you.”

Tears welled up in her eyes as she blew her father a kiss and turned to leave the room. She had no choice. She couldn’t sacrifice the entire population just for one spot of emotion. As much as she wanted to stay, she had to leave. Her father told her to.

“One more thing, daughter of Kit,” Rhys called out from behind her. The second she turned to face him, he forced the dagger through her father’s body.

She squeezed her eyes shut. When she opened them again, she was back in the present and the memory was gone. The pain of losing her father still lingered in her heart. Her chest was heavy, making it darn near impossible to stand.

Her attention turned to Falyn. She was staring back at her, determination etched upon her face. But it was the sadness in her eyes that made the pain worse in Akia’s chest. How could she see another person go through the same pain that she had?

But then she remembered that the man in front of them was not Falyn’s real father. He was just a random person. He meant nothing to any of them. Not even to Falyn. She’d learn soon enough.

“Look,” Akia said, trying to find the right words. “I know that you’re not so keen about leaving your father. But we have to go. And don’t take this likely. If you want to live, come with us.”

When Falyn didn’t protest, Akia nodded at Zeke.

“Alright boys, listen up,” he said to the Force. “We’re getting out of here. Either get out of our way or we’ll force you out. Force, ha!” He laughed to himself at his own pun. Sam groaned and Akia rolled her eyes.

When no one moved, Zeke shrugged and said, “Have it your way.” He snapped his fingers and the shield disappeared. Before the Force could react, Zeke was on them.

He rushed forward, knocking down guards as he went. Akia had never seen anyone move so fast. He smashed one guard in the face and turned around to kick the other one in the stomach. Turning to his left, he opened his palm. The guard raised into the air parallel to Zeke’s hand, unable to escape the spell. He forced his hand forward and the guard flew backwards, taking down at least three guards with him.

Light filled the house. Spells flew back and forth between the groups. Akia caught a glimpse of Mina cowering in the corner. She made a mental note to drag her out of the house when the fighting was over.

A guard stepped in front of Akia and grabbed her by the shoulders. She grabbed his arms and thought of the hottest thing she could. He started to scream as his flesh began to steam. He let go seconds later. She pushed against the air, sending the man flying down the stairs.

There was a scream to her right. Falyn had just barely avoided a stunning spell. Some of her hair was stuck up in the air, singed. Sam had her pinned up against the wall. Akia couldn’t help but chuckle to herself. He had obviously just pushed her out of the way. But there was no doubt in her mind that they were both enjoying it.

Suddenly, there was a blast of red light and Sam collapsed onto the floor. He had a red glow surrounding him. His body seemed to be pulsating. Her breath caught in her throat. It was a spell she hadn’t seen used in years. It definitely wasn’t one she wanted to see again.

The color drained from Falyn’s face. She fell to the ground and reached out to help him up. Akia rushed towards her, calling out for her to stop. But she couldn’t get the warning out soon enough. The second Falyn touched Sam, she went limp and collapsed next to him.

Akia cursed under her breath and sent a shielding spell their way. They were wrapped in a tiny bubble against the wall. They’d be safe until she could get rid of the rest of the Force.

“Come on,” Zeke yelled suddenly in her ear. “We need to get out of here!” He pulled her toward the stairs.

“Wait, we need them too!” She pointed to Falyn and Sam.

“Then get them and let’s go!”

“No one leaves.”

Akia turned to see the man claiming to be Falyn’s father staring her down. He had one arm wrapped around Mina’s neck and the other was pointed at Akia, palm up. Mina looked at her with a terrified expression, silently begging her to help.

“I am only going to say this once,” Falyn’s father said slowly. “Either you stand down or this girl dies.”

Akia’s heart pounded. She usually wouldn’t worry about threats, but this one was serious. There seemed to be no way around it. Even if both her she and Zeke attacked, there was no guarantee that the man was going to let Mina go. And she knew that Falyn would never forgive her if Mina died on her watch.

“I’m not coming with you,” she said, standing tall. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the rest of the Force on the floor either knocked out or injured. As long as Zeke was there by her side, she was sure they’d get out with Mina in tow.

“Suit yourself.” The man pushed Mina towards them. Akia caught her, stumbling in the process.

It was déjà vu when she looked up. The blue light blinded her as it got closer.

Comments & reviews · 9
User avatar
AdmiralKat
Review
AdmiralKat wrote a review Review · Mar 1, 2015

Hello Noelle! KatyaElefant here for another review! Let us see what we have right here! (The character age changes will sure to be interesting.)Oh and sorry if this post is a little scatterbrained because I'm a bit tired right now and I'm about to go to sleep.

I really don't have anything to say bad about this one except for some sentence structure things where you start the sentence with and or but and it makes me stop reading and so it doesn't flow properly(blah blah blah. We've been over this).

What I really wanted to talk about was the plot and the character age changes. I was really confused on what their ages were before and then you clarified them which is nice. Though, now that the ages are set in stone, the relationship between the characters may be a little bit different because Falyn is 16, Sam is 18 and Akia is 18, you can only see that the way it's going to end up is with Sam and Akia being in an affair. Poor Falyn. She will be forever alone. Why does there have to a cliffhanger AGAIN with the SAME SCENARIO. I know Akia is going to get out because that's what happened last time. I want a cliffhanger that forces me to read the next chapter! Falyn's father is just like NO. He follows the rules too much. That is never a good idea. I know this will stir up some conflict in the near future(*aka now*)

Overall though, everything is great. Your imagery is great, your grammar and spelling is great and your organization is great(except for sentence structure at times). I really enjoy reading this novel and I'm going to finish review every single one of them(if my name isn't KatyaElefant). Remember to keep calm and keep writing! :D

User avatar
Evander
Review
Evander wrote a review Review · Sep 29, 2014

Hello, Noelle! Raven here for another review! See, I can review every two days! Now, let me feed your novel a like and I can continue on with this! (Also, age changes. :o This is going to take some getting used to.)

Yay! So nothing bad happens to Akia! Good news! (I had a funeral prepared for nothing...) WAIT, Zeke is good for something... He just probably saved her life! Is there like, life debts in this? Akia would totally owe him one. Zeke is magic too, this is getting interesting...

Wait, Falyn looks nothing like her father?! Um, is that another plot thingy? Just, this is really new information. Must process and not write fanfiction... I am also feeling bad for Akia... words bring back a lot of memories. Memories of family are very powerful. Oh gosh, she saw her dad die. I'm not even sure how old she was, but man... You're cruel. (Also, there is a lot of questions that needs to be answered from that single flashback alone. "Who is Rhys?" "Why was he threatening to kill Akia's dad?" "How old was Akia at the time?" *Though this one does not necessarily have to be answered.* "How did she even get there?" *same as before* )

Hehehehe, puns. How punny is Zeke? Will I be expecting anymore bad jokes in the future?

Wow, okay. I don't trust Falyn's father. HE JUST TOOK HIS DAUGHTER'S BEST FRIEND. Though Akia has made it clear that this is not Fay's father, Fay was brought up with this man raising her. Right?

Nooo! Akia! Don't go! Be all superhero like and go, "Pow! Pow! Take that bad guys!" So... yeah. Those are my thoughts on this chapter... I am super sorry for the short review!

~Rae,

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TimmyJake
Review
TimmyJake wrote a review Review · Sep 17, 2014

Timmy here!

This piece is a little longer than most (nothing wrong with that. I enjoy normal size chapters), so I am going to go through with a few nitpicks as I read instead of my normal formatting, okay?

Let's get started. Buckle your seatbelt. Its, um, the way to go.

But before it could reach her, Zeke stepped in front of her and conjured a shield which deflected the spell.


This kind of magic is kind of lame, unless you can give it some zest. I mean, look at it this way. I could conjure a dinosaur and it would eat all my enemies... pretty smart, right? So with this conjuring thing, you have to be careful. I know you've probably thought of this, but draining their strength from the conjuring (Eragon, but whatever. he wasn't the first) would make them only be able to do smaller objects. Or not as often. I don't know. It just seemed too... convenient there. And one more thing: How did he conjure it? What did he say or do to conjure it? How did it look to Akia? Just little descriptions like that can really help a story and give it the picture more life. Because descriptions only start with people and places. Actions are so, s much more important to describe, and what the results of them are.

We came for her too.”


Comma after her

A man’s voice rang out through the room. Akia watched as the men parted.

A tall man


technical: redundancy with the word, man - three times in three sentences. might want to clean that up. :)

Let’s get ‘em guys.”


Comma afer 'em

He started to scream as his flesh began to steam


I think shorten this down to: he screamed as his flesh began to steam or something similar.

So I have another thing, and it's not really a nitpick, but more a comment on what you could have done here.... I understand why you did the flashback - I do, really. You needed to bring something to Akia that would make her be able to relate to Falyn's situation. But the time you chose to have the flashback? Not a good one. I don't think she would be remembering this as much as just fighting for their lives, or thinking about the fight. And even if she could be able to remember this while so much is going on, having it in there really, really slows down the story and makes it so that there is a big chunk in the chapter that is all slow-paced and calm - even though there is another death on the horizon, her fathers - and it's because it doesn't relate to the chapter now. Akia having a flashback is wonderful, and it gives us a nice background to her character, or at least some to start with - but you're giving it to us in the middle of an action-packed scene, where we are supposed to be reading as fast as we can, holding our breaths in concern for their safety... and then you toss that in there, destroying the suspense. I wouldn't trash it - oh, no. It's a lovely scene, even if her father dies, because it gives her some very powerful and emotional background. I just don't think it belongs there, but rather in a different chapter somewhere, perhaps when she is remembering the battle, and is in a calm ambience at the moment. That may be a better time to crack the memory bottle.

As far as this entire chapter goes, I thought you did a really good job on the action. The spells were a bit too vague for my taste, just seeming like they just "did" them, but I am sure you'll explain more as we go through the book. The part with her father was awesome - Falyn's father, I mean. How the guy pretended to be her father and then turned out to be something else entirely. And it was really neat to discover that Akia had been working with Falyn's family since she was very young. I like that. ^.^

I can't think of anything else to say... All of the other reviewers have said everything I may have told you, so I guess I will just leave you with this little tidbit of a review to chew on, while I head to the next chapter. :)
~Darth Timmyjake

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Messenger
Review
Messenger wrote a review Review · Jun 29, 2014

Heeey, I'm back.

The blue light blinded her as it got closer. It's seriously moving at like half a mile per hour. That is the lamest mage ever. Tell him to get some proper sleep before he tries to shoot magic. He's moving like a slug. But before it could reach her, Zeke stepped in front of her and conjured a shield which deflected the spell. What does the shield LOOK LIKE! Is it transparent, translucent, did it have a blue or green tint, was it a solid color, was it flashing? The shield grew until it covered all of them, Falyn, Mina, and Sam included, creating a barrier between them and the Force. Since when were they there. In the previous chapter you made it sound as if Akia was the only one that stepped out.


“Don’t,” Rhys roared, making her jump. She turned to look at him. “If you touch him I won’t stop with him. I’ll kill your entire pathetic race, starting with you. Is that what you want?”

A possible future villain perhaps? ;) Nice little backstory by the way. Although maybe you could cut down on some of it. It interrupts the flow of the present-day happenings.

And don’t take this likely.

Likely? did you mean lightly?

He snapped his fingers and the shield disappeared.

Just a snap of his fingers? That's it? This could be so much more awesome. He could like fling his hands and fire off a bolt of magic as he removes the shield. Just an idea, but it would make an impressive fight scene!

The guard raised into the air parallel to Zeke’s hand, unable to escape the spell. He forced his hand forward and the guard flew backwards, taking down at least three guards with him.

Guards, guards, guards! tsk tsk tsk

The action scene was pretty well done, you seem to be kind of flip-flopping between good and great, but there was no emotion really in this fight till you said Akia's heart was racing. You made one little note about Sam and Falyn enjoying the push/hug thingy, but that's it. THEY ARE IN ONE SMALL ROOM HAVING A MAGIC BATTLE WITH EMANATE DEATH WITHIN TEN FEET! Ahem, sorry. XD but you get my point.

And here we go again. *ambles over to chapter 7*
~Messenger

User avatar
Alchemist
Review
Alchemist wrote a review Review · Jun 3, 2014

Hello!

Can I ask you for some explanations, please? I think I did get something wrong actually, and it hit me just now.

First Zekke is also a mage? That is surprising. It was obvious since he could move within the time stop but you never said before that he can use magic. And, wouldn't the group be surprised if he used it all of a sudden?

Other, why are they actually pursuing Akia? It was not her who caused chaos at the marked but the Hund Warrior. Did they mistake her for him? The only other thing she did was tackle the guy who caused chaos.

Im actually not sure if this is intentional, but you first made us sympathize with Akia, and then, BAM, this line:

But then she remembered that the man in front of them was not Falyn’s real father. He was just a random person. He meant nothing to any of them. Not even to Falyn. She’d learn soon enough.


Back to the praises. Seriously, what happened? Your writing has no bad spots so many chapters so far. Next: so many character personalisation in an action chapter. That was really good.

We finally learn something about what is Zekke like. Akia's memory is... Well also very informative.

Who is that Rhys guy? My first thought was a Seer, since she called him a different race. But to threat killing whole race? Even with an all-out war I find it hard to believe he could be so certain, but i've got more of a feeling he would do it alone. This is very well done.

I love how you kicked out Falyn before her father went all-out.

On my way to next,

-Alchemist

User avatar
PeanutPhoebe
Review
PeanutPhoebe wrote a review Review · May 2, 2014

Hey!! Sorry I took so long to get here, but well, you know, life happened:( I absolutely LOVE this chapter. You've informed us of so much! I really like the flashback. It tells us a lot about Akia, including that she does have SOME emotion. I was kinda getting worried there:) And the action! It's awesome. You tell us so much. And as for Falyn's father? I so didn't expect that. The formatting is great. I don't know how you do it, I always struggle with getting to do what I want. I love your words. You don't get too wordy, but you're not boring either. I only noticed one grammar error, and now I can't even remember it. Hehe. A lot of help I am, right?;) I'm pretty sure it was a spelling one near the beginning. I have no complaints, that's how awesome it is. Great job, and keep writing!

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Holysocks
Review
Holysocks wrote a review Review · May 2, 2014

Hi, I'm here!!! :-D

I really, REALLY, like this chapter. There's a lot of emotion, and information, especially in Akia's flash back. I found myself feeling sad for her and I really liked how you turn that sympathy we were feeling for Akia, onto Falyn. I got very emotional, actually. Near tears.

So, what's with the sudden age change? I think it's fine, even better, but I wondered why you suddenly decided they all should be a bit older. I like it because I find it a bit easier to relate to Falyn. It also makes her crush seem more possible- when you're fourteen and in love, there's little chance that something's going to come out of that love. You know what I mean? Not that it can't... but it's a little easier to grasp, if she's a bit older.

I love Zeke ( have I said it before ) he's my favorite character! Honestly, he's hilarious! It's great!

This whole 'he's not her father' thing, is interesting. It's almost like in this one chapter, he's managed to betray his daughter and go to the dark side. The sad thing is Falyn probably doesn't even know!
In movies they do a lot of hidden meanings, stories within stories, and I think you've kind of done that here. I think Falyn's father is about to be stabbed ( metaphorically ) and Falyn has her back to him- she hasn't turned around yet. It's more like he's stabbed himself... but the point is; the back story fits really nicely into this. It's like they're two stories that are the same. You follow?

Anyway, this was perfect in my mind! And you're all set up for the next thing; which is pretty well a mystery to me. Darn it! What's next?! I have a few ideas but I'll just have to wait and find out, I guess. :-P

-Socks

Noelle replied · May 2, 2014

I changed their ages because of events that are going to happen later on in the story. Just to let you know. And one of those things may or may not be Falyn and Sam's relationship... ;)

User avatar
ThatWriterGuy
Review
ThatWriterGuy wrote a review Review · Apr 30, 2014

Nice! I like it!
I really want to read more. However, maybe you could use longer sentences? Use short sentences for impact and when describing use longer ones, otherwise it gets tedious. Otherwise, it was really good!
4/5

Read my fantasy novel, I just posted the prologue now. Would be great for some advice.

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review Review · Apr 30, 2014

Hey Noelle!

I just wanted to explain that I didn't review the previous chapter because it had a lot of great reviews and I couldn't think of anything I'd add that wasn't there already!

I have to say, brilliant job of filling out the challenge. I love the way how you started and ended it with that line in particular which reminds me to mention what a great job you did with maintaining the suspense all the way through the chapter! I loved the fight with spells being thrown here and there... I wonder why you changed their ages?

Only one tiny nitpick:

be cold by the time we got the.


I think you mean 'there' here.

Also, I am seriously confused. Previously in the van Akia said if Zeke was one of them she'd be able to sense it by now. But she didn't, so what is he? When will we get to know? And they all kind of accepted that he had powers pretty quickly...

The flashback was terribly sad :( How cruel to make the little child turn back just to see her fathers death. I am looking forwards to hearing more about the situation they were in in the future...

There isn't much more to say. You briefly mention during the fight that Falyn and Sam were enjoying it... do you mean the action or having her pinned up against the wall? Also, let me see they are enjoying that moment, by saying they exchanged smiles or there was a little laugh or something.

Although I really enjoyed the fight scene it would be nice to hear some whispered spells or know like, rankings of power. Are the force using simplistic spells or are they easy to over power? It would be nice to know this in the midst of the battle.

Otherwise, I don't have much else to say. It was a very good chapter in its own right. Keep up the good work ;) And as always, let me know when there is more to read!

Deanie x

Noelle replied · May 2, 2014

I changed their ages because of events that are going to happen later on in the story. Just to let you know.



Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2%, and it's all because of my motivational techniques -- like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come.
— Homer Simpson