She wanted to take her time heading back, to think of what had just happened, but it wasn’t long until she broke into a sprint. There was so much that she had to talk to Phillip about. The quicker she got back, the more they could get done.
All she could think about on her way was how Rhys had gotten in. They had a barrier spell surrounding Lightport. The only people who could get through were the magicians. They were the only ones with the powers to negate the spell. So how did Rhys get in? He’s not a magician and Akia knew that he hadn’t stolen the magicians’ powers. They still had them.
Maybe the barrier spell wasn’t as powerful as it seemed. She quickly shook the thought from her mind. Phillip himself did the barrier spell. He didn’t make mistakes.
She didn’t stop at the clear pond home to the ducklings. She didn’t stop to say hello to Farmer Trauvre. She didn’t even stop to rest when her legs started to burn as she rushed up the hill. She had to get to Headquarters and talk to Phillip. There was no time to waste.
To her surprise, he was already waiting for her when she barged in through the front doors.
“What took you so long?” he asked as he led her to the elevator at the far end of the lobby. There were a few more kids there than before, but she didn’t worry about them. They were all physically drained and half of them were asleep. She didn’t blame them; she spent most of her time sleeping in the lobby when she was still training.
But she didn’t trust that they wouldn’t overhear. “I’ll tell you in the elevator.” Phillip seemed to understand because he didn’t push the subject.
Akia could feel the eyes of the kids that were still awake on her as she headed towards the elevator. She wasn’t sure if she would ever get used to it. It was like everyone was expecting something from her. They probably did. Phillip was the face of everything, but hers was up there too. There was no way around it.
When they reached the back wall, there was already an elevator waiting for them. But it wasn’t empty. Bredin and Terri were standing there. Their eyes grew wide when they saw Akia, but they didn’t say anything. She was thankful for that. There was enough going on. She didn’t want something else to deal with. Unfortunately, Phillip recognized them.
“You’re Seth’s roommates, right?” he asked. They both nodded quickly. “We’re going to find him. He couldn’t have gone too far.” He gave the kids an honest smile, but they didn’t return it. Terri nodded, but Bredin didn’t move.
The four of them stood in silence as the elevator rose. Akia wasn’t about to strike up a conversation and it seemed that Phillip felt the same way. The second Bredin and Terri got off on the third floor, Akia started talking.
“Rhys is here.”
Phillip sighed. “Don’t start this, Akia. I know that you’re paranoid, but you can’t—"
“He’s really here. Would I lie?” She gave him a hard look. He responded with a raised eyebrow and she rolled her eyes. “Fine. Would I lie to you?”
He hesitated before answering. “Let’s talk with everyone else first. George has some things he needs to fess up to.”
“Everyone else?” she asked. He didn’t respond, only led her out of the elevator and onto the seventh floor.
It was the only floor that no trainees were ever allowed on. It housed Phillip’s apartment as well as Akia’s (which she very rarely used) and a meeting room.
It was very much smaller than the other floors as it was added onto the roof after the building was finished. There was only enough room to house the two apartments and the meeting room. So when Akia looked out, she could see the others waiting for them in the room – they had left the door open.
George and Sam were deep in discussion. Layna was pacing, her expression changing from confusions to realization and back again. Akia could only imagine what she was thinking of.
And then there was Zeke. He sat across from the open door, back straight, head held high. He was staring directly at her, those blue eyes of his piercing straight through her. It sent a shiver down her spine.
“The sooner we get this done the better,” Phillip said, placing a hand on her back and leading her out of the elevator. “I’m ready to move on.”
“Move on to what?” she muttered. Rhys was the only focus. There was nothing else going on. Without Rhys going bad, Lightport wouldn’t even be there. Everyone would’ve been back in their home worlds living a normal life. She’d be back in Vertfay, probably still working as a king’s guard. And Rhys would be visiting her nearly every day as he had been.
His warning popped into her head again. Things are only going to get worse. It was already bad; how could it get worse? She knew what he was capable of, but he had only shown his face to her and Falyn. He wouldn’t come out to Lightport himself, would he? No, he’d just send his Warriors which were easily defeated. He really should’ve picked better people to fight for him.
The Warriors were his friends from back in Agathi. They were real people once. They taught him the dark magic and encouraged him to use it. That was their mistake. Now they were stuck as mindless drones forced to do whatever was required of them.
Whatever Rhys had in mind, it wasn’t going to be pretty.
Everyone turned and stopped talking when they entered the room. It was almost twice the size of the battle room, which Akia always found strange seeing as battle rooms were used for training. They should’ve been bigger than a private meeting room.
“Let’s get started shall we?” Phillip said as he closed the door behind him. Everyone hurried to find a spot, including Akia. She had never thought about it before, but it was crazy how Phillip had complete control of them. They’d come to trust him over the years, despite him being forced into leadership.
They all sat automatically in the same seats they always had with George and Layna filling in. Akia was next to Phillip and faced Sam. Zeke swaggered over to the chair opposite Phillip, making her believe, for the first time, that maybe he had been a part of this before. He looked too at home. Layna chose the spot next to Sam while George sat next to Zeke. Akia watched George curiously as he watched Aiden find a seat. George was giving him a strange look. There was definitely something going on between them.
“Why isn’t Falyn here?” Sam asked almost immediately.
Phillip sighed. “We have to ease her into things. Revealing that vision to her earlier was a mistake. I want us to gather what we know and find a way to tell her without turning her off to this whole idea. We need her.”
Sam seemed to accept that answer. There was a hint of a sour look on his face as he leaned back in his chair though, and Akia had to hide her laugh. That’s the same face he gave her when she tried to apologize that first night they spent at Lightport. She hadn’t been so kind to him since they left Vertfay, but she knew she had to try and make friends with him; for her father’s sake. So she apologized.
“I didn’t mean it,” she had started. “Rhys and I were… we have history. And I just didn’t like hearing that people were planning on killing him.”
Sam had made that sour look. “I’m surprised that monster was ever nice enough to be close to anyone.”
She had wanted to strangle him then and there. But she had held back. Her father would’ve never forgiven her. So she had decided to take a different path.
“You’re right,” she had said with a sigh. “I only met Rhys once, really. When you said that thing about your dad killing him, well, I couldn’t imagine anything like that happening to someone I knew. It was just different. So I freaked.”
Sam had accepted that and they had put it all behind them. She hadn’t wanted to lie to him right away like that, but she had felt that she owed it to her father to become friends with the kid. And telling him that she was best friends with the man who was destroying their home world was definitely not the way to get him to like her.
She didn’t tell him about her friendship with Rhys until months later. They had become friends so quickly that she felt the need to be completely honest with him. To her surprise, he was completely accepting of it.
“The past is the past,” he has said. “The important part is that you’re with us now. It might actually work to our advantage. Rhys’ll go easier on you since you two were so close before. We can take him out easily.”
If only you knew. She had thought. She knew it wasn’t going to be that easy. Rhys had basically written her off, announced her as an enemy. There was no way he’d be sympathetic to her motives.
But what did his warning mean then? They had been enemies for so long that she was positive that he didn’t care for her anymore. Apparently there was still a part of him that felt bad, bad enough to want her to survive.
“George, are you ready?” Phillip asked. “Let’s start with what you know.”
Akia turned her attention to George, suspecting the worst. He hadn’t been all that nice since they got to Lightport. She could only imagine what he had to tell all of them.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hello, Noelle! KatyaElefant here for another review! Let's see what we have right here...
Now I am going to say that your idea of a farm is quite strange. Rice is grown in a completely different climate than wheat typically. Also with the apples, those would be grown more closely to the city, while I would think that the rice and wheat would be grown a large distance from the city. The reason for this is that transporting the goods take different amounts of times. The apples is horticulture(growing of fruits and vegetables) and so it would be grown close to the city because it is very perishable and it costs a lot to transport the goods. The rice and wheat on the other hand can be grown farther away from the city because it can be transported for a low cost and because it isn't very perishable. (AP Human Geography IS useful! Oh my gosh! This unit about agriculture has been torture but I'm able to help you with this inaccuracy about what types of foods are grown where. If you use the excuse about magic, I don't think that the magic could last THAT long to preserve the crops.
When you talk about Zeke's blue eyes, I really want to know what shade of blue they are because there are many shades of blue and you could be talking about icy blue or you could be talking about a deep sea blue. It really all depends on what you are imagining and what you write for the readers to imagine.
Overall, it's been really hard to critique these last few chapters because they have been so well written. I think when I've been reading these chapters, I've literally been reading the history of Noelle's writing and I think that's pretty cool!
Keep calm and keep writing
KatyaElefant
I know I said that I don't comment on reviews, but I'm here to comment anyway xD Only because you talked about the farming though. I live in an area where there's an abundance of farms and all kinds of things are grown here. We live very far from any city, but we do have towns and little grocery stores with food that comes from local farmers. So there are a lot of different things grown out here. There's a peach farm not too far away and another farm that has an abundance of apple trees and lots of blueberries and strawberries to pick. A majority of the farms are dairy farms, but a lot of them also grow corn and wheat. I admit that I should've stayed away from the rice, although I did do some research about rice before writing this (obviously not enough :3) but I do understand about the rest. I was just writing from experience and what I know.
Lightport is like a makeshift world. They started from nothing and created a place to live, so their community wouldn't be what a typical community would be. They're just trying to make it. They tried whatever they could to keep their world up and running. And if they found that they could plant these things then they planted them.
I really need to work on my world building within the novel. I'm just struggling to find ways to fit it in without breaking the flow or deviating from the plot too much.
I just HAD to explain this to you because it really bothered me how some of the things were a little bit different.
Gotcha. I'm sorry, I'm just really proud to come from a communityqwserkl,km q
Oh gosh, what was that?? xDD Anyway... I was going to say that I'm just really proud to come from a community with so many farms and I've had farming information forced down my throat for a while now, in a good way of course ^_^ So I know a lot about them.
Hey, Noelle! I'm finally here after being soooo behind.
So, I may do something's where I stop right in the middle of reading to jot something down so I don't forget. And I also won't be reading previous reviews. (Shame on me.)
Whoa. First paragraph in and Akia's already contradicting herself. How rude of her. It seems like such an awkward thing to do. Not really sure what, but maybe add in something ealier, or some other blunt comment like, "But that would never happen." I not really sure, but it kind of irks me as it stands now.
Another pause in and that makes me wonder, did you ever mention what kind of magic Rhys started out as? Since he and Akia were friends so long ago, maybe even before all his experimenting happened, if he was in the same town as Akia, wouldn't that make him a magician, or am I assuming completely wrong? We know that from all his powers the magicians are still resiliant, just what did he start off as? Maybe make that clear at some point.
I really loved the irony in this line, and I had to point it out. It seems like a good foreshadowing tactic. Very commonly used, but still effective (plus it totally reminded me of Carsten.)
This was one last nitpick I had while reading though this. It seems like this thought has already been established. She sprints back to base without stopping, we can kind of guess that this is urgent...
On to the conents of the chapter, I am very curious as to what George has to say about all this. We've got from Falyn (or was that Akia...? >.< ) before when she overhead the two talking that maybe George isn't so perfect after all.
And one thing I really liked is we got a super quick peek at how this all started. With the minions. Those obnoxious Hund Warriors just so happen to be the cause of mass destruction? Because they taught Rhys their magic and pressed him to use it as far as he could. That's kind of sad. But it's interesting how Akia doesn't take much for it. It sort of glances off her like it means nothing. Like she'd do it too if she were in Rhys' spot.
I'm not too sure I like the flashbacks that much, though it does show some of the beginning of Sam and Akia's relationship. How the friends all started. Just, it seems sudden and random to have in the middle of the meeting. The one with the 'sour smile' sort of makes sense, but it transitions into all these other thoughts and seemingly goes off into a wild tangent. But it's not too horrible.
Overall, I don't have much else to critique. I'm liking this chapter, having a nice wrap up to the sudden encounter with Rhys. And I'm super eager to read on! Happy Review Day and Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
Heya, Noelle! Knight r4 here for another review! I'm so close to catching up! I promise I will be finished with it by the end of the month!
Does Phillip really think that will work? That sounds stupendously rediculous to me.What's that supposed to mean? He isn't going to reveal he's working for Rhys, is he? That seems almost too good to be true.
I would seriously consider changing up the word order here or something to make this sound better. It sounds a little awkward when you read it.
This sentence doesn't also doesn't flow very well. I suggest that you cut the red word out. It just seems like you were trying to squeeze a word in that doesn't really need to be there.
For a couple paragraphs (the ones I just referred to) it seems like your wording is off. There was another instance (which she very rarely used) that I didn't mention, but it sounded awkward as well. I would take a good look at that section.
Isn't his name spelled "Aidan", or is it just a lapse in my memory?
Really Noelle? Another c l i f f h a n g e r ? ! This is starting to get old. (Maybe that's why it's taking me so long to review the chapters)...
Well, aside from that little fluke in the middle witht the sentence flow I thought the rest of the chapter was great! (I'll ignore the cliffhanger for now). I was a little surprised that she said, “Rhys is here.” in the elevator. I would have waited until those two trainees who were roommates of Seth got out. Speaking of which what happened to them. You never did say. That's all I have. Happy writing!!!
Hi Noelle!
I am also seeing how everyone really sees Phillip as high and mighty. He doesn't make mistakes, everyone expects him to solve all the problems and be the face of keeping Lightport safe. Man, that is a lot of responsibility to bear.
Ooh, this was an interesting chapter! I feel like a plan of attack is going to be formed right here in that room as everyone is gathered together. And you ended on another cliffhanger! I can't wait to find out what it is that George has been hiding all this time, and seeing how they will react to the news Akia is going to bring them of how Rhys breached the protection spell. It was interesting to see that you threw in the meeting with the two twins for a moment. It makes me think more is going on there, but you are only hinting at it. I am looking forward to when we can find out. I love how the plot is building up here, but you are still taking time to focus on the character relationships. An example would be how you threw in the flashback of Akia apolgising to Sam those years ago. Characters really do matter when it comes to novels and you have been able to find a balance that is definitely worthy of admiration
And even though Phillip is essentially a very important character with a big role to play, we're not really getting to see things from his perspective. I don't think we necessarily have to go into his point of view, but I want to know more about him. You mentioned that he was forced into this position of power and that he didn't really want it. But why was that and how did it end up happening? I want to know his opinion on the characters and how they are preforming. I getting the itching feeling that he doesn't trust Akia as much as she thinks he does, and that would be a twist on things. What I simply mean to say here is that Phillip is a very interesting character who deserves more of a spotlight when it comes to the novel.
Hm, she says this easily but how would she know for sure whether they had them or not? Would something have changed or gone wrong? Even if nothing has, then maybe mention how she knows. She says it is as fact and I felt like it needed a bit more questioning than that.
This sentence sounded a bit weird to me, and that was because the meaning can easily get tangled up there. How about putting the words 'which was' before the word 'home'. Just to offer a bit more clarification.
I thought this would be the perfect time to see some empathy coming for Akia! She might not be the main person up there but she still feels the pressure of everyone who says they need her and rely on her. And if she is finding it difficult in the role that she has, how is Phillip feeling? I feel like we should have her comparing him to herself and wondering how much pressure he must be feeling at the moment. And maybe that might even make her admire him more than she already does xD I just feel like that would be her typical reaction.
You mention that she doesn't use her apartment, and only rarely. Well, if she isn't sleeping in her apartment than where is she spending her time? Or is she only using it for sleeping? In fact, what is the timeline like here? I don't know how much has happened in one day, but come to think of it, it really has been a long time since I have heard of anyone sleeping or a new day starting. Make sure to make the story make sense chronologically as well. Only let so much happen in one day and don't let them ignore human needs as well.
Except for the fact that the protection spell might not be breaking. Falyn might not be believing in what they need her to enough to fight. Seth is missing. I feel like the sentence nothing else going on is a bit, well, not a good summary of what is actually happening. Especially as moments before Akia is mention how she feels pressurized by everyone and everything happening. So maybe she should say nothing else 'should' be going on.
At the part where Akia is talking about apologising to Sam I was a bit confused. I thought she was talking about the present day and I couldn't understand that it was a small flashback until I read it three times over. My suggestion would be to have the flashback in italics like you have often done before, or make it more clear. That's all I can say on that count.
When I was reading about their positions of the seats, my mind got a bit confused. I think you were trying to make a movie like moment when they all had their mentally situated places to sit. That person there, opposite her and next to him. But basically, it wasn't really necessary >< I would much have a deeper description of the appearances of the characters emotions, or the room itself than to get that tangle there. So maybe that is something to think about.
I found it funny that because Falyn wasn't there, everyone kicked up a fuss. But Mina wasn't there and no one missed her. Poor girl xD Does she get a mention or was no one really caring an intentional thing?
I think I will leave it there. Partly because I have to go and partly because there isn't too much to say. Things are still steadily building towards the climax, but I agree with what Holysocks mentioning about how there should be a sudden and unrelated plot twist in there. It's a good idea. I will keep reading!
Deanie x
Hello Noelle!
Also, I think it's both easier to write, and read here. You know, it's hard to say that I like this chapter... but that's really like in all books; eventually it seems like you're along for the ride not because you find it entertaining ( you've already been entertained by the last chapters ) but to figure out what the hell happens. So I think you did a great job writing this part!
I'm going to kind of pounder your question that you posted in the club, because I don't really have anything, review wise, to say.
First off though:
Well, personally; the barrier spell isn't as powerful as they had hoped. We had a demonstration of that when Akia and Falyn managed to make it through. Now okay, I know that Falyn has awesome powers, but so does Rhys, so I'm really truly not that surprised that he made it through... he could have thought of something pretty easy I think. Unless, you mean magicians are the only ones that can control it, and that control is basically all we saw Akia and Falyn doing? If that's that case, then I get that... but perhaps it would be good to explain it a little more ( just a thought ).
Alright then. I don't see this as being a series, like someone else mentioned. Only because Across Worlds only has one problem: Rhys. In series, they normally have one big problem, and a bunch of little problems that they fix along the way ( little problems that they fix in each book so to speak ).
Let's use the Hunger Games as an example: In the Hunger games series, they have one big problem, the Capital, and in each book, they deal with a slightly smaller problem- the games. Suzanne Collins kind of messed up because she used the same little problem twice, but oh well.
The kind of series you don't want to do, are the ones where you fix a problem, and another problem gets put on there, and then once they've dealt with that issue, another one pops up- it just kind of gets ridiculous because how many times are they going to save the universe, you know?
Another good example of series are the pre-teen half inch books that are everywhere. Sure, they can seem kind of lame to us now, but they do have the series thing down pat that keeps the kids wanting more. Think about the series you might have enjoyed as a kid. They still were good, but just a bit young... and such.
Anyway, I just needed to tell someone my knew discovery on series... you probably already knew though! XP
So back to the your question though: I think that there is a climax coming, and I've been thinking so for awhile. In my opinion, right now we need some totally unexpected.... I don't know what that would be, that's something only you would know how to do, because it's your story. But right now, if all of a sudden they just managed to destroy Rhys, I think somehow that would be anti-climactic... and I'm not sure why... I think it's cause they need a 'solution thwarted' moment, but that's kind of already what you did here with Rhys ending up in Light Port ( I never know whether to put a space there or not! ). So I think you have to have a 'ta-da!' moment instead... somehow where they think of a really good plan to defeat Rhys. Because the thing is, it's always felt like an impossible mission, to defeat Rhys... so it would be great if they felt confident for a sort while. Then once you've got that down pat, it needs to blow up in their faces.
Of course, it's your novel Noelle, so you can do what you please!
I hope that I was some what helpful.
KEEP IT UP!!!
-Socks
Ahhhh! You've given me so much to think about! Thank youuuu <3
Aw, I'm glad I could help. :3
Timmy here
Ah, so you're playing that old game with us again, aren't you? Figures. You always love to lead us into these chapters with the seeming pretense that we're going to learn so much more about what is happening - and then we receive the whiplash and the not. But, really, that is one of the perfections of your writing. With each of the chapters, I am given a sense of satisfaction when I finish one, and I do think that I have learned something and I am happy with the results - but I always want more. And how you go about with the asking of questions or even just questioning appearances, and conversations that end too soon - those things keep us curious for answers in the following chapters. And you just have to teach me your evil method for that someday. Perhaps you have a checklist you go through: ask fifty-thousand questions - check. Fourteen curious scenarios - check. Six un-finished conversations - check. If you could give me that via P.M., I would appreciate it. I want to torture you as you do me. hehe
This was weird. 0-o It seems as though you hit the backspace or something there, because part of your sentence seems to be missing.
I really enjoyed the She didn't stop repetition. That was good, and I loved it. But I think this character could go. >.< Unless he is going to be in there later on in the book, you could leave him as a no-name farmer. Because now I will have to remember his name as a character, and he is important enough to have a name in there. And my mind only has so much room for character names, and without introducing... especially at random. If this farmer dude isn't going to be in any following chapters at all, I would just leave him as no-name farmer or something similar. One less name to remember. But it's probably just me. ^.^
That sure sounds like she is worried about them to me. Perhaps you just need to tweak one of the sentences a bit, if your meaning is strangled or unclear there?
I am getting a lot of room in this paragraph and the following one's. I would go through and see if you could weed some out - however you can. Redundancy is tricky, but you rarely have problems with it. Or at least that I can spot, so you're good at avoiding it to me. xD
Reading this sentence without the two commas, and then with the two commas.... Um, when I read through it, it sounds better and more fluid without them. And it doesn't seem odd to me without them, either. Perhaps they're unnecessary?
He just now notices that? They were all in there save for Phillip and Akia moments before, so I would have thought he'd have made the connection earlier.
Comma after mean
One thing I am noticing an overabundance is are short sentences. Yeah, your writing style has many defining trait - one of them being short sentences to begin with (I use shorter sentences, too). That isn't a bad thing, really. But I do think they can be overdone. This chapter had several places where the short sentences were like drum beats, just boom boom boom boom. And I think you could work with that, and see if you could either link these sentences apart or extrapolate on them a bit. Doing excessive short sentences also tends to make it more difficult to do an action scene with the proper tension, because you lose the aid of short sentences to give you that much-needed tension in the piece. So you could work on that a bit? It isn't a big deal, by any means, but like the sentences below--
--seem rather abrupt and short, and I think you could break up the sentence length and vary it a bit more in places such as these.
That little story with Akia and Sam was done just right. I remember her previous memories during her sickness where she was remembering when she met Sam and all that. And this seemed to follow the same path, although in a much more abrupt way. Which I was grateful for, because it would have been odd to have a long flashback stuck in the middle of a chapter. The length was perfect for me - just enough to tell me what needed to be known, but not enough to break the focus of the chapter. Perfect.
I find myself expecting the worst here, too. And I don't know why, because he hasn't done anything wrong. But he just seems secretive. When he and Aidan(?) were talking and they didn't want Akia to know, and then when George disappeared in smoke. Weird. I just hope he is still a good guy. He is the most impossible to guess character - or perhaps Zeke. It may be an even balance between the two of them for that. We'll see in the next chapter!
~Darth Timmyjake