Word count: 1,847
Falyn
The walk home from school was a blur. Falyn barely remembered anything that she and Mina talked about. She usually looked forward to her walk home with Mina. But after Professor Lankis told her that she wouldn’t be in extra schooling, she didn’t feel like doing much of anything.
Once they reached the market, the girls parted ways. Mina hugged Falyn before heading off to the right. She lived in the fields outside of the city while Falyn lived in the heart of the city. Falyn had to go through the market to get to her neighborhood.
The market was always crowded. It was the main place for people to shop in the city. There were small businesses littered throughout the city, but the market had everything.
Falyn didn’t mind having to pass through the market. She could lose herself in the crowd. Even among all the people, she felt alone; like she didn’t belong. And she liked it.
It wasn’t until she passed the vegetable stand that someone noticed her.
“Falyn!” A boy smiled at her and came running out from behind the stand. He was a half a foot taller than Falyn. He wore his brown hair long, almost to his shoulders. But it was his soft blue eyes that got to Falyn every single time without fail.
“Hey, Sam,” she said, blushing and lowering her gaze. She hoped that he didn’t notice. “I forgot you were working today.” That was a lie. She had his work schedule memorized. Mina had shared her opinion on that, saying that it was creepy. But Falyn found no problem with it. All she wanted to do was see Sam. In the end, it didn’t matter if she ran into him by mistake or not.
“Yup,” Sam responded. “Always on Wednesdays. Same time, same place.” He looked back at the stand and sighed. “I wish I didn’t have to. I wish I could be back in school with you and Mina. Where is she?”
“Who?”
“Mina.”
“Oh. She went home.” Falyn’s face fell and she dropped her gaze. Talking about Mina just reminded her about what had happened at school. And that was most definitely not something that she wanted to revisit.
“What’s wrong?” Sam asked.
How could he tell that something was wrong with her? Was it that obvious?
Falyn hesitated. She really didn’t want to tell him. No doubt he would feel completely different about her if she told him what Professor Lankis had said. He’d never consider going out with her; ever.
“It’s nothing.”
“Come on, Falyn,” Sam said softly, moving closer to her. “You can tell me. I can see it’s bothering you. Let’s go talk somewhere quiet.” He put a hand on her arm and led her towards the coffee shop. She was in such a good mood that she didn’t even stop to think why Sam was skipping part of work for her. She just accepted it.
The coffee shop was across from the vegetable stand. It was in a two story, old, stone house. Coffee and treats were sold on the ground floor while tables and chairs were on the second floor and the roof. That was Falyn’s favorite place to sit; the roof. There were only a few tables and not very many people sat there. It made her feel on top of the world. She could see everything from there; especially Pollume.
Sam bought a coffee for himself and one for her. He also got a pastry they could share. Falyn knew that he was just being nice, but it sure felt like more than what it was.
They made their way to the roof and sat at a table next to the railing. Falyn looked out over the market. Passed it was the city. The buildings were much smaller than the buildings in Pollume. They weren’t shiny and new either. Most of them were made of stone while the rest were made of brick.
Agathi didn’t have the same materials that Pollume had access too. Pollume was richer. They had more money to waste on new buildings and expensive activities. At least, that’s what she had been told.
She could feel Sam staring at her, but he didn’t say anything. It wasn’t easy for her to ignore the feeling of his eyes glued to the side of her face. But she was putting off having to tell him about her day so she kept her eyes diverted from his.
“So,” Sam said after a long silence. “Are you gonna tell me what’s bothering you or did I leave work for nothing?”
“You didn’t have to do this,” Falyn replied, staring at her full coffee cup. “I’m fine. Really, I am.”
“Falyn, something’s wrong. I can tell.”
She couldn’t ignore him anymore. He would never let it go. So she told him; she told him everything.
He sat patiently as she recalled the morning that she’d woken up late and had to pay for the bus to take her to school. His expression didn’t change when she told him of her daydream. He nodded when she explained how she didn’t feel like reading the textbook.
But it wasn’t until she mentioned what Professor Lankis had said that Sam spoke up.
“She said that?”
“Yeah.”
Sam still looked at her with a surprised look. “She told you that you were immature?”
Falyn felt her face get hot. It sounded much worse when someone else said it.
“That’s ridiculous.” Falyn looked up and smiled at Sam graciously. The corner of his mouth twitched, but his expression stayed complacent as he continued. “Since when is age a criteria?”
Falyn shrugged. “Apparently Professor Lankis thinks it is.”
“The only reason I didn’t get into extra schooling was because I wasn’t smart enough. That used to be the only criteria.”
“You’re definitely smart though,” Falyn said quickly, not wanting to hurt Sam’s feelings. “I’m sure you just barely failed the test.” Sam chuckled.
“Barely failed? Nope. I scored the lowest grade possible.” He didn’t even sound sad or embarrassed about it. It was as if he was proud of the fact. “And it didn’t matter if you were younger or older than sixteen. If you were smart, you were given the test.”
Falyn was about to ask him about what the test was like when a shiver ran down her spine. She would’ve just ignored it, but this feeling was different. She couldn’t shake it. It took over her, nearly petrifying her. Someone was watching her.
Cautiously, she looked over the railing down at the crowd below her. At first there was nothing out of the ordinary. People were bustling about, trying to buy everything they’d need. But then she saw him and her whole body froze.
He stood in the middle of a path with the crowd parting to get around him. He was dressed in all purple and wore a hood that hid his face. When he looked up at her, Falyn could make out a pair of blood red eyes.
“Falyn,” Sam said, shaking her shoulder. “Falyn, what’s wrong?” When she didn’t respond, he looked over the railing with her. When he saw what was going on, he sprang into action.
The man in the crowd below raised his hand, palm facing them. A small green light flickered in his hand. Sam lunged at Falyn, knocking her off the chair and onto the floor. The second that her gaze left the eyes of the man in the crowd she regained control of her body. She was no longer in a daze and began to panic.
“Did you see—”
A stream of green light flew over them and dissipated in the air. Falyn’s heart raced. Whatever that was, it would’ve hit her if Sam hadn’t tackled her.
She looked at him. His face was inches away from hers and he was breathing just as fast as she was. If the situation wasn’t so terrifying, she would’ve thought it was the perfect place to be in.
“Not now,” Sam hissed, cutting her off. “We need to get out of here.”
Before they could move, there came a commotion from below them. Sam motioned for Falyn to stay down and crept up to look over the railing.
His face turned pale and he muttered someone’s name. Falyn couldn’t take it anymore. She had to see what was going on. She stood next to Sam. From his expression, she could tell that he didn’t like it. But she wasn’t going to simply sit there and not have a clue what was going on. She had to see.
The scene below her was chaos. A girl had tackled the hooded man and was screaming something in his face. Falyn couldn’t understand what she was saying, but she could tell it wasn’t anything nice. Suddenly, the man snapped his fingers and disappeared. Falyn gasped in surprise, but the girl didn’t share her reaction; she seemed angry. It was like she had expected the man to disappear.
The market shot into chaos. The crowd below scattered as the protection force raided the market. The girl jumped up and made a run for it. But by the time she took even a few steps, the protection force was on her. They tackled her to the ground and bound her hands together behind her back.
Falyn could see the girl better once she was pulled up to her feet. She was rather tall and had curly blond hair that reached her shoulders. She wore an outfit similar to the one that the strange man was wearing. The only difference being that it was a lot more feminine.
The crowd that had been intently watching as the scene had unfolded parted as the protection force led the girl out of the market. Falyn was surprised to see her walking with her head held high and no fear or regret etched upon her face. Whatever reason the protection force arrested this girl, she seemed fine with being arrested for.
Sam muttered something under his breath. Falyn was about to ask what he said when she noticed the mysterious girl stiffen. Slowly, she turned her head and looked up at the coffee shop roof. Falyn’s breath caught in her throat.
“Moonstar!” the girl shouted. Falyn had no idea what she was talking about, but she was looking directly at her when she said it. Sam suddenly pulled her back to the floor.
“We have to get out of here,” he whispered. “Now.”
“But what’s going on?”
“Shut up,” Sam snapped, slamming his hand over her mouth. “Do you want them to find us? Your life will be over.” Falyn tried to speak, but Sam’s hand was too tight over her mouth. It only came out as muffled cries and Sam didn’t even recognize that she was trying to say anything. Instead, he pulled a phone from his pocket, flipped it open and pressed a few buttons. He spoke into it quickly and quietly.
“Akia is here. I have the moonstar. They know.”
End of chapter
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139,334 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review! Let's see what we have right here!
When I was reading this, I got really confused on some of the times on who was speaking. For example,
I just got really confused there on whether it was Falyn that was speak or if it were Sam(I almost said Scout XD I just finished to Kill a Mockingbird). I think the surroundings could have more descriptive terms such as saying the couch is smooth/rough or the couch had a plaid pattern(the plaid couch). Simple things like that really help to enhance the story. When you described the moment where they were attacked, the lack of the descriptive words really made the attack confusing and not as epic as it could be(though it was still epic). Also the sentence structure needs to be more varied with the usual compound, simple, complex and compound-complex sentence structures. Too many of one type of sentence may reduce the flow the sentences. There are a lot of pronouns that could be replaced with other nice words like names or the boy or the soon to be boyfriend of Falyn.
So obviously, this is the cliche love thing where a girl(Falyn) likes a guy(Sam) and then something about the ordinary happens(magical people attacking them) and then they end up confessing their love for each other. But then when Sam asked about Mina, I was like, WAIT A SECOND! He might like Mina and Falyn but he can't decide. I need to see how this plays out. Your story is such a good length, like if you wrote a book with this, I would be amazed with how nice the chapters are(Usually with books, I'm like WHEN WILL THIS CHAPTER END but with this, I am not happy that it ended). Your description of the area, such as the specific objects is good but the imagery(descriptive adjectives) needs to be worked on. The plot is a bit cliche so far but cliche is always good in my book. Great job! Keep calm(clam) and keep writing(righting).
Hi! Traunt here from Team Black to review!
So, I'm trying a new technique so sorry if I am just babbling. I'm going to split up my review into different sections to help you edit it in 5 different areas. The first one is going to be based on your writing style.
Writing Style Report
This feels really strange >.< sorry. But it may help you out. Hope so
# Red - use adverbs sparingly (you want to use as little as possible) in your writing, especially creative writing. You can often use a stronger verb, or omit it.
# Blue - passive verbs make your writing less direct. Try to use an active verb instead.
# Orange - readability may be enhanced if you cut this out.
Grammar Report
This is quite a funny one. In this case, you can have a coma after "fell", but some people choose to take it out. But it isn't wrong if you don't want it in there.
Overused Words
that
12 (Remove about 3)
was/were
14 (Remove about 6)
had
6 (Remove about 1)
feel/feeling/felt
3 (Remove about 2)
Hmmmm... I think I like this new style -^^- What do you think? Hope it helped.
Onto the next!
Hey, Noelle! Your novel's parent here ready to feed it a like and give it a review! (Just wondering, would you like me to refer to your novel as it? Or could I use they.) I am sorry for nit giving you the review yesterday, I had no internet...
You know I'm tired when I ask the pronouns of your novel. DX So... this review will talk about chapter 1. So, I'll let you know to which I am referring too.
Yes, yes that is creepy. However, (yes, another thing I connect with) the want to see someone you might like is... just you don't care if it is good or bad. So, very relatable. (Gosh, are the characters based off me?Spoiler
In chapter one the text book states, "Othir members accused seers of lying,..." Now, I have no problem with that, the sentence was fine! I am just pointing out the name that was used for the people. Othir, oth-ir, oth-er, other. Well, at least that it what my mind was like when I read that. Very creative
and I hope that was intended. Or else I might be as crazy as Rease.ALSO, I WANT TO GIVE PROFESSOR LANKIS A PIECE OF MY MIND. Like, a literal piece. If the student has the talent, they should be in the class. Age does not matter. (Look at me and my accomplishments! Look at Falyn's! We are both incredibly young and, if I do say so myself, incredibly smart.) Oh, I love Falyn's determination at the end of chapter 1. It honestly spoke to me, and I could connect in some way.
By the way... I like Sam's name. Even though this book is Fantasy, a "normal, earthly" name was used. Same with Falyn connecting with me, this spoke to me. The reader is being pulled in, just a few comments at a time.
Aw... Does ittie, bitty Falyn have a crush... THAT'S SO CUTE. I want to read more about this. However:
This brings me back to the dream and the powers I suspect she has. How would she, a regular citizen, know what Pollume looks like? How can Falyn be sure about that? Are her simple day dreams true?
Is this foreshadowing that she will visit Pollume?OH, SURE, "At least, that's what she had been told." So, your dreams mean nothing, Falyn! I don't believe this!I find that the ending is a cliff hanger, so I am going to rant about it. [Insert long, caps filled rant about cliff hangers.]
I can't wait to read the next chapter!
Rae,
Timmy here!
In this chapter, everything begins to liven up! The story is really moving along now, although not at a pace at which I cannot keep up, so that is nice. Sam seems like a cool person - although he did say he wasn't intelligent, which doesn't really make sense because he sure acts smart - and their relationship seems a bit strained at the moment. But yeah. Most are.
Okay, so you can see the word I crossed out in those two sentences. When writing, you need to look for any way to make your sentences tighter. Stronger. Having words in there that don't add to them make them not so tight, and not flowing quite a well. So in this case, just say the sentences outloud with the word in them. Okay, now say them without it. There isn't much of a difference - but it's one less word. That much tighter.
I am going to be brutally honest here. I am not a big fan of your usage of the semi-colon. To me, how you use it strangles the sentence, jerks the flow to a screeching halt, and is just bleh. Sorry for saying it so mean. In many of these, you could have substituted some other forms of punctuation that would have worked better and maintained the flow. So I thought that in the first one, you could have substituted it with an Em-dash, and the second could have been it's own sentence. Kind of a bang! sentence. One word. I have seen it before in this, so it wouldn't be veering off your style, either.
This seemed a bit contradictory because she was just feeling terrible, and she was just complaining inside about her friend and herself... and how they weren't doing so well. And how everything wasn't working out. So wouldn't she be in a not-so-good mood?
The part with all the action was quite interesting, and very neat. It left me wondering what was going on, and who those people were. The way you described them made me wonder if they were from the same organization, because they were wearing identical clothing. So perhaps they just got in an argument over something? Hmm... It was also very strange for the woman to go with the protection force (why isn't it capitalized?) peacefully. Almost happily. Curious. I sense them becoming a greater part of the book than just this short bit of this chapter. And then when I read through it... I just almost bugged my eyes out at the end there. She is the Moonstar? The name was very curious and left me wondering what it meant... but since this is Fantasy (obviously the best genre in the world. Duh) there will be some amazing explanation for it.
Not enough people write modern-day fantasy stories. Not enough. I am glad you have chosen to.
~Darth Timmyjake
Hello! Sushi here again for a review ^^ Sorry it took me so long to get here, but I still remember what happened in chapter one
I see what you did there, having Sam ask about where Mina was. Well, at least I think I know what you did there. I liked how you made it discreet but also obvious in a sense. That just makes me want to continue reading your story further, love triangles are always fun to read about XD
However, there was something I did have a problem with. When she gets that shiver down her spine, why does she immediately assume someone is watching her? I get that it was a really big shiver, but that doesn't mean someone was watching her. Someone could have mentioned far off that they were gonna kill her or something, or it could just be a sign that something was gonna happen. I don't know, it just seems like she kinda jumped to conclusions, adding her deduction as to why she thinks that would be nice other than it was a really big shiver she had.
Just a little grammatical error, after she was saved by Sam you forgot the apostrophe in "hers".
I feel like things were a bit rushed with your action scene. I feel like you could have added details to really get the reader into the story. I get why you might not want to do that, but if you are successful then the rewards would be epic. Not many readers get green fire shot at them from some person's hand, so I'm sure they would be semi-grateful if you could allow them that bit of excitement by putting them in the book.
I guess what I'm trying to say is close the distance between the reader and your story. Grab your reader and draw them in so that they never want to leave. Your writing seems like it has a bit of distance to it, making it seem awkward. Just describe what's happening, the adrenaline and stuff. Saying phrases like "a commotion came" just seems a little awkward. What do you mean commotion? Like, screaming, clattering, what sound suggested a commotion?
Sam's character seems very interesting. I just hope he doesn't fit that stereotype >< You know, the love interest of the female that's kinda bada** and finds her first and is really cold and kinda mysterious but then warms up slowly. I just think you could really do something with him, he seems so flexible! Anyways, just looking forward to that XD I'll go read chapter three now ^^
Sushi
Wait, there's a word counter?!?! >.>
<.<
Oh, hi there! I am back, even though you be on the evil team. Ahem, pardon me, the opposing team. So, I shall ignore the Green Room and read thine lovely story.
tell tell tell tell . . .YECH! I would advise some major revision here. Add some emotion, some life to the story. GIVE ME COLOR!
You need "two story" to be "two-story"
And by the way, does everyone 'cept Ms. Lankis have blue eyes?
These are. Short sentences. That make. The story feel. Really jolty.
Should be a comma after "you"
[/quote]
Tell him t go watch Frozen Stick with the times man!
Oh wow, nice action scene! I've always wanted to have a scene somewhat like this with the crowd going crazy and people shooting at each other. I have to say you handled it excellently It was exciting, fast-paced, intriguing, detailed, and all around awesome. Really had my blood pumping fast. It felt like a scene from a movie. I have to say that I envisioned everything crazily clearly. Almost as if watching a movie. Kudos!!
~Messenger
Hey there, back for review!
An interesting chapter where you introduce additional characters, many plot possibilities as well as some interaction between the characters; it bring alot, and it is fairly well written.
I think a first few paragraphs need a little bit more love, it's when you introduce the city and the market. You just tossed in the information, sometimes even being a little bit repetitive about the usage of Falyn. It's up until this line
There you shouldn't have started the next sentence but just continue the old one with comma.
I'd also like to remind you about how you introduced Sam to us, after all, he scored lowest test possible. Tho i understand it might as well be a mask.
It is a very good work, and a real introduction chapter, the first one being Falyn's personal introduction. Good work!
Wow. Now I definitely can't wait for more. It gives me a lot of questions. I love the little crush she has on Sam, but he seems to see her as a friend. I only noticed one grammar error this time. At one point, you said passed instead of past. Maybe that's what you meant though. If I'm wrong, just ignore that. So, I'm still pondering the time period. Everything seems so medieval, but then you throw the phone in there. I love the dialogue, it's so effortless. That's definitely something I struggled with, so I'm kinda jealous:). Again, your paragraphing is great, not put together a lot, but not too split up either. No complaints. Great job!
Hey! Sorry it took me so freaking long!! >.<
This was a very insightful chapter. Well, OK... Question raising, if not the other.
I found this quite easy to read, and entertaining; her crush is kind of adorable, and yet, pretty well every girl can relate...
Now, I am a bit surprised, if not a little disappointed, that we didn't get to meet Mina. But I understand if she's not going to be a big part of the story. It would have been nice to see her for ourselves, though, I kind of like how Mina is portrayed through Falyn. It's fun and sisterly.
I noticed the same paragraph Deanie did. The one with 'city' twice. I thought I'd give another suggestion for wording it ( also I think there should be a comma in there, I'll show you where ):
I think something like that is fine, because, most people know that fields aren't in cities.
So now, Sam, our newest and brightest character doesn't understand that Mina and Falyn live in different places?! Only because he asks where Mina is. I guess I get the feeling that it's a long walk to the fields, so they normally catch up on everything while they're walking, instead of going to each others place much.
That seemed way more important in my head... >.<
Eighth paragraph ( I believe ) from the bottom, you use 'going on' twice. Maybe if you use 'happening' in place of one? It's just, when you read the same word twice or more, in one paragraph, it brings your attention back to the first one.
Clarify: When you read one word and then read the same word in that paragraph again... you are suddenly aware of the first word. That seems to bother most people. Words like 'the, and, or, is, in' don't matter all that much, though.
That's all I've got!
Except, I like that it's in modern time. That little hint with the phone was beautiful. It's a bit odd, but it's good, that everything else feels like medieval. It almost sets the mood, somehow... I can't wait to read the next chapter!!!
-Socks
Hello Noelle! Me again, hehe. I hope you don't mind but I was extremely picky this time round... so quite a few things to mention? Firstly, the suspenseeeeeeeeeee! Who knows what is going to happen? Why do they keep saying moonstar? Why is Falyn so important and why is Sam in on it and not here? What is it about her life that she doesn't know? It seems like the normality in her life is already over by the looks of things. I'm looking forwards to knowing a lot more in future chapters! Keep on building up the plot in the way you're doing now!
So here we have a beginning much like the first chapter. I don't fully know why, but it just seems kind of choppy? Again, I would try using longer sentences in here too. So keeping the first as it is, something like: Falyn barely remembered anything that she and Mina talked about even though she usually looked forward to her walk home with her. Just to keep a long sentence after the short one in there.
In the city and in the city. To avoid repetition I suggest you make the last one there 'lived in it.'
Don't tell us this. Maybe you should start getting her to do it. Mention how Falyn started to weave her way through the bustling markets because it was the only way to get home. How it was always so crowded but she'd done the route often enough she knew where there would be gaps, shortcuts and the areas where gum would never get stuck under your shoe or hangers would never get tangled in your hair... or something. This is the perfect opportunity for show not tell. Also, I wanted a bit more description when it came to the markets! What do they sell? Just the normal things like fruit and clothing, or something more futuristic? I don't know, but I wanted to know! Maybe something nice to add in?
I think you mean she was in such a bad mood that she didn't stop to think about it.
This is the perfect space to describe what Pollume looks like from far! Can you only see the tops of tall drab grey buildings or is there or more? Animals, spots of people? Does it look vacant or scary, or colourful and busy? Seeing as Falyn can see it so perfectly from the roof, I couldn't see a better time for an explanation.
Here I would say there are also too many short sentences. Example: Falyn looked out over the market where further on was the city.... etc... Most of them were made of stone or brick, none of them looking shiny or new, just old.
Mini-typo: I think you mean 'to' here.
The protection force sounds interesting! I already want to know more about them, what they do. Maybe you should give their name a capital letter to make them seem more important? Protection Force, like how we have the Police Force and stuff. Just a small suggestion.
Okay, in my opinion this chapter was better than the first. We got meet Sam, got to see some action happening and also a little something with powers, hehe
I like Falyn's character... she seems like the curious and ambitious type. She does what she needs to do to get what she wants. Although apart from this and her crush on Sam, as well as being mature for her age because she has the intelligence and hangs out with sixteen year olds, there isn't that much more we know about her. I still feel a bit distant from her as I'm reading so I wouldn't know how you would do it, but if you managed to drop a bit more characteristics of her personality in there it would be very nice
Dialogue is flawless and realistic. I love it <3 And I was pretty picky this chapter, but I am enjoying reading this a lot. Let me know when you've got the next chapter up and I will read it as soon as possible. Keep at it!
Deanie x