Akia
Falyn was the first one to jump out of her chair. “Why didn’t you tell me that I’m going to be the general?”
Akia raised her eyebrows. “General? Since when were we fighting a war?”
“Phillip said I’ll be leading an attack on Rhys’s fortress. Sounds like a war to me.”
Akia nodded. “It does sound like that, doesn’t it? Listen, don’t think of it as a war. Think of it as six people working to stop Rhys from spreading his evil.”
“Six,” Zeke said slowly, shaking his head. “You didn’t add me in the group that you counted, did you?”
“Yup. You’re not in it.”
“And why not?” Zeke asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Because you’re only along for the ride.”
“Oh am I now? If I was only along for the ride I wouldn’t have bothered to save you from Rhys.”
“You only did that ‘cause you felt like you had to,” Akia retorted. “No part of you decided to go after us because you felt like it was the right thing to do.”
Zeke chuckled. “You think you’re all high and mighty, don’t ya? Maybe I actually did something right for a change. Just because I do my own thing doesn’t mean that I’m the bad guy here.”
“There’s more than just that that makes you the bad guy here.” Akia had had enough of Zeke. Not only had he not learned how to shut up since they started traveling together, but he always found a way to say something against what she suggested. It was like he was only there to confront her.
The death glare that Zeke gave her made her shiver. He’d given her looks like it before, but none like this. If they weren’t surrounded by so many people, she was sure that he’d be at her throat. She’d be able to take him, but it wouldn’t be easy. And she really didn’t want to fight him.
Layna suddenly stepped between the two of them. “You guys need to calm down. We’re in this together, right? Phillip wouldn’t have chosen us if we couldn’t do this together. So if you and Zeke could stop arguing, that would be great.”
“That’ll never happen,” George said from behind Akia. She whirled around to see him standing there with Aidan. When had they gotten there?
“He’s right,” Zeke said. “Akia and I will never get along. So if y’all want to get anything done, leave me out of it. Besides, I have better things to do. Come on, Falyn.”
Akia stared as Zeke grabbed Falyn’s hand. Falyn wasn’t having it and yanked her hand back. Her cheeks turned red as she said, “I’m staying here.”
Zeke glared at her, but his face soon relaxed as he dropped his gaze to the ground. “Fine. I’ll see you around. Anyone else want to come with me to find Phillip?”
“I’ll come.”
Akia was surprised to see Sam step up, his hand raised slightly. Why did he want to go with Zeke, the same kid that wants to steal Falyn from him? She’d seen the way Zeke looked at Falyn. There was definitely something going on between them.
The look on Zeke’s face showed that he wanted anyone but Sam to come with him. He didn’t say anything, only nodded and headed out of the room. Akia could only imagine what the two of them could talk about.
“Hey,” Aidan said, close to her ear. She jumped. It would’ve been nice for him to warn her that he was that close. “We have to talk. Got time?”
She shook her head. “I have to take Falyn somewhere.” Falyn gave her a confused look, but she ignored it. It would be a surprise for her and she wasn’t about to give anything away.
“Fine,” Aidan said, sounding like it was anything but okay. Akia wanted to tell her brother that everything was fine and that they’d catch up soon, but she knew he wouldn’t listen. He looked angry and hurt by her response.
She wanted to shout at him, “Get over it. We haven’t seen each other in four years. A few more hours won’t make a difference!” But she didn’t. She knew that it would only make him feel worse and he wouldn’t want to talk to her for half the day. They’d been through arguments like that before; too many of them.
So she kept her mouth shut and watched him drag George off. She wondered why they even came here. She had thought that they were ready to join them in the fight, but now she wasn’t sure. Did they just come by to talk to her? And what exactly did they want to talk about?
She shook her head. She couldn’t afford to think of that at the moment. There was too much else that she had to deal with.
There were only four of them left now: Falyn, Mina, Layna, and her. And Falyn and Mina were the two people she had come to see. “Layna,” she said sweetly. “Could you go find Phillip and tell him he needs to find someone else to run training today? I’m not gonna be able to make it.”
Layna gave her a suspicious look. “You’re not just trying to get me to take your shift, are you?”
“Of course not! I have to take Falyn and Mina to see… something important.” Akia’s eyes flickered to the girls standing next to her. She’d almost let it slip where she was taking them. In retrospect, she was sure that it wouldn’t have mattered if she told them, but she wanted it to be a surprise either way.
Layna stared at her, but smiled once she realized what Akia was talking about. “Oh, right. Have fun you guys!” She beamed at Falyn and Mina before turning and bouncing off down the hall.
“That girl is way too happy.” Falyn comments.
“I guess you could look at it that way,” Akia said, laughing. “She’s very optimistic. Never sad. It’s interesting to watch. Now let’s go. I have something to show you.” She motions for the sisters to follow her and they made their way down the hall. They went the opposite direction that Layna had gone, towards the north facing end of the building.
No one spoke as they climbed down multiple flights of stairs. The floor they were on was exactly six stories up. And while Akia was taking the steps two at a time, the girls were taking their time walking down. Akia paused and looked back. The girls were close, their mouths moving. She frowned. They were sharing secrets. Everyone shared secrets around her. It annoyed her. If everyone would just talk to each other, everything would run smoother.
She started up again when the guilt hit her like a brick wall. Here she was criticizing Falyn and Mina for sharing secrets while she hadn’t been truly honest with Falyn.
That’s different. If Falyn knew she was doomed to die, she wouldn’t want to do this anymore. She thought. It was for that reason that her secret keeping was justified. The only reason they were keeping secrets from Falyn was to protect her.
She finally reached the bottom of the stairwell and had to wait for Falyn and Mina to show up. Sighing, she exited the stairwell and sat on the red couch against the wall.
The bottom floor consisted of the lobby. It was the place you saw when you first came in the doors. It was large and consisted of many couches in a variety of shades of red. The walls were a plain white color that matched the tiles. Because of it the couches really stood out.
Akia sat by herself. There was no one else in the lobby, something that didn’t surprise her. It was nearly dinnertime. Everyone would be training and then heading off to get food.
She didn’t mind the silence. It was actually very relaxing. Finding Falyn and fighting off the Force to get to Lightport had been fun, but she wasn’t going to fight the break. Being able to sit and close her eyes for a moment was something worth enjoying.
“You’re gonna have to tell her eventually, you know.”
Akia’s eyes shot open at the sound of George’s voice. She’d recognize it anywhere. Looking around, she saw George and her brother walking into the room from the other side. Frantically, she got up and hid behind the couch. Thankfully there was a spot small enough for her to fit. Whatever conversation they were having, they wouldn’t continue it if they knew she was listening.
Chancing a look, she moved a bit to the right so she could see around the couch. The two of them had stopped and were facing each other, Aidan’s back to her. At least it would only be George who would see her if she slipped up. The way Aidan was acting suddenly it would be easier if George caught her eavesdropping.
“You can’t keep secrets forever,” George said, dropping his voice. “Akia’s smart. She’ll figure it out.”
“Everyone else has secrets,” Aidan retorted. “You have secrets. Only reason I know yours is because we share it.”
George frowned like he had just eaten something sour. “When you tell her you better keep me out of it. I don’t want her knowing what I’ve done.”
Akia’s stomach dropped. What was he talking about? Something was going on between the two of them, something they didn’t want her knowing. And the way it sounded, George was going to be more in trouble with her than Aidan would be. Maybe it was because George figured she’d forgive her brother quicker than her friend.
Aidan threw back his head and laughed. It rang out through the lobby and reached her ears. George waved his arms desperately, looking around. “Shut up, will you? Someone might hear!” Akia grinned. If only he knew that the one person he didn’t want to hear was listening.
“You just want to save your own skin, don’t you?” Aidan asked, ignoring George’s comment. “Do you even care what happens to me?”
George’s face quickly changed from paranoid to flabbergasted. “I tried so hard to get you out of that place and now you think that I don’t care? That’s low.”
“It sure sounded like you don’t care,” Aidan retorted. “How am I supposed to trust you? You’re the reason for all my troubles.”
George narrowed his eyes. “Fine. Try and get along without me then.” Aidan took a step forward, but George pushed him away. Akia couldn’t help but bring a hand to her mouth. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing. “I’ll get out of your way. We don’t need each other, we can get along on our own. We’ll have to see what… he will say about this.”
Suddenly, George disappeared in a cloud of yellow smoke and Aidan is left standing alone. Akia debated going to him and comforting him, but it didn’t seem like the best of ideas. If she did, she’d have to explain how she had been eavesdropping and that wouldn’t make him happy.
She had no other choice but to wait. Aidan stood for a while staring straight ahead. It wasn’t until Falyn’s voice could be heard echoing off the walls in the stairwell that Aidan took off running. He didn’t even bother to look back to see who the voice belonged to; he just left.
“And I think that—" Falyn suddenly stopped. “Where’d Akia go?”
“I’m here,” Akia said, climbing out of her hiding spot. The girls looked at her curiously, but she wasn’t about to tell them what she had just heard.
Another secret for you to hide. She told herself. She pushed the idea from her head and smiled at the sisters. “Are you two ready to see your home? There’s someone there I think you’ll want to meet.”
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For the LMS contest. Word count: 2,004
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hello, KatyaElefant here for another review! Let's see what we have here...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Why did Falyn abandon Zeke? *cries* Okay, be that way, Noelle. I mean... it's not like I care about Zalyn. 
Why is everyone still so mean to Zeke? I mean he saved them somewhat and then he actually has some history at Lightport. What is this grudge about? If you could describe why Akia hates Zeke so much in your writing, then that would also clarify some things. You could have her talking to Zeke and Akia just thinks in her head why she doesn't like him so the readers can get a feel for what Akia feels about Zeke. Also, something I need to comment on is how cute Zeke and Falyn are. OH MY GOSH! Like he death glares people just so he can be with Falyn. That is true romance right there! I am such a big fan of Zalyn or Feke. I like Zalyn better
Now that logic with Akia telling Falyn that she is doomed to die and then her not trying is not necessarily true. Some people know that they are doomed to die, say in war but they fight anyways because they have something to fight for! Like they may want to save the entire world. *cough* *cough* Falyn might *cough* do that *cough* Also, it might demotivate Falyn not knowing so I don't really see the point in keeping it a secret. Also, how is she doomed to die? That could play a big part in whether it will motivate Falyn or not. Also, if she knows, she can prevent her own death.
Also, I have given a promise to meet Falyn's parents and yet I haven't seen a trace of them. WHERE ARE THEY? I am getting impatient! *taps foot* *looks at the clock* Are they going to go on a mission and then will they meet her parents then or what? I wonder how all this will play out!
Keep calm and keep writing
KatyaElefant
Hey Noelle, knight r4 here for yet another review! Happy review day again!
I'm pretty anxious to find out what happens next so I guess I better start reviewing!
As I read this I found myself wondering what type of a nod this was. Was it just a general nod or was it a nod telling Sam to head out the door or what? I kind of have a hard time it would be a nod of agreement, but you never said that he nodded toward the door.I'm not trying to be nitpicky, but shoudn't you change "you guys" to "you girls"? I know the terms are loose, but it just sounds better because there are three people and all of them are girls.
this was rather wordy and hard to read through, I suggest changing this up a little bit. I'll leave how you decide to do that up to you, but I just thought I should point that out.
I belive you need comma after "it".
This is another instance I thought was too wordy. I suggest replacing the the word "something" or taking it out and inserting a period.
You have a tense slip here. You switched from past to present. It's an easy five!
Overall this chapter was very intriguing. It is probably one of the most interesting chapter yet! It was very engaging I can't wait for the coming chapters!
Well, this chapter was certainly exciting! I can't wait until Akia discovers that Aidan and George are bad! It seems that the plot is getting closer to the climax! I might be wrong, but it seems that you are foreshadowing it. I can't help but get excited! I love this story. Happy review day again and happy writing!!!
Hey, Noelle! Wolf here for a review. Oh, and BOOM! 300 reviews.
So we're getting so much closer to the dark part aren't we now? Of course I knew George was with Rhys, because we were told about Aiden's situation and they seem to share the same secret. But then Zeke kind of explodes a bit. He becomes all demanding, trying to control Falyn in taking her away from what she wants. It's nothing big, but it makes me step back and think, wow rude.
I finally realize where I got the suspicion that Falyn would die. From here! Sadly here is where my spoiler knowledge consists, having not read beyond this point. But the way you encorporated Falyn's fate so smoothly and without a second thought was great. I knew it was coming and I had to pause a second to go, "Wait, what??"
One tiny little technical thing is that Akia says she has to take Falyn and Mina somewhere about three times. First she says it to Aiden, when Falyn and Mina are in the room. Then she says it to Layna in the same room. Then she tells the girls she has something to show them. Tell them one more time Akia, I don't think they got the message.
Of course it will be their parents!! I wonder how her parents will react. It's been a while since she saw them, four years at the least. The more I think about it, the more I realize that Falyn never talks about life in Agathi that far back. She talks about school, and since magic comes at the teens, well it makes sense she'd be shipped out at twelve. Well I won't know unless I read on (and you write more :p) Onward! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare~
Does this mean in the next chapter the sisters get to meet their parents, or one of them at least?
Well in that case, I'm excited!
I'm finding that I'm forgetting a lot of what's been going on. I thought George was completely new, but now I'm thinking you introduced him at Rhys's place... was it? I'm normally pretty good at remembering what's what and who did what, where, and how... but yeah, not with your novel... so sorry about that. :/
I don't know if you've noticed, but Akia is keeping secrets from us. She let on a little bit there, but she's still not telling us much of what she knows... which, frankly, is not good. I know I kind of sound like I just really want to squeeze information out of you, but that really isn't my goal here.
The thing is, there's no need for a character to keep secrets from us. What did we do? We're in the characters mind so to speak, they can't just withhold certain details, and give us others. It's just not possible. A character only withholds information if they have a reason, and Akia doesn't appear to have a reason ( she tells us everything else )... so, like, what's she waiting for?
That's pretty much all I have to say for this piece. Basically I just feel like I don't know much about this story, this world, or anything, really. I don't mean to be mean. It's just something to work on, maybe?
I'm coming to like Layna quite a lot... even though we don't see her much, she's like a bubble of uncontrollable joy. It's kind of nice in the seriousness of everything, that you decided to have a character that's happiness doesn't depend on the world around her.
I also found that moment where Akia is confused about Sam going with Zeke, interesting. And I'm curious, too, as to why Sam would want to go with Zeke. Maybe he just really wanted to talk to Phillip, and didn't care that it was with Zeke? I guess I find out shortly.
You're doing amazing Noelle. You're actually a great inspiration for me.
Keep being awesomeness!
-Socks
Heya Noelle!
*wipes brow* Sheesh, that took me a while to get here! I don't think there is much more I can say on top of what Timmy has already mentioned though, but I really will try to do my best.
One thing that I especially love about reviewing is when you mention something to the writer and they take it in and edit based on that. I see how you've put in Akia's guilt about trying to stop people sharing secrets and then noticing that even she does it for herself. It made me like her character a lot more in this chapter. And it really does look like secrets is the key word - it's flooding into everything and ultimately splitting up the group so that they can't even work well together. If they don't stand united, then I doubt this attack on Rhys will be successful. So many different things are unfolding and happening all at once, so many separate plot lines, I hope you're holding on to them all! Can't wait to see how the climax I feel we are building up to is going to go!
I want to see more here. I can imagine these two guys who are brooding over the same girl are feeling when they notice each other looking at each other in such a way. Yes, you showed us Zeke's face, but you say it is out in the open for everyone to see. I want to know what Sam's face looks like in response to the emotions he is getting back. Does his face twist into a smirk, like he's happy that Zeke knows he is the competition and doesn't like him either. Or does he look stony faced instead, just getting on with business?
Either way, I can't wait to see what they are talking about. I mean, I hope we get to see it in future chapters? Pwease?
Another thing that relates to what I just mentioned is that in these chapters, emotions are the key thing. There is a upcoming battle, secrets being kept, rising nerves as their fate is looming closer... and of course, you show us all this through the arguments that are becoming more and more frequent. But I feel like we still aren't getting enough of the emotions that tag along with these actions. This can be something that is harder to do in third person, but is still doable. So as well as giving us the actions they are doing, give us some more face expressions, observations from the person's point of view we are seeing, and more examples that demonstrate just how people are being tested with patience and nerves. Put the most emotion in here that you can, and you're going to have one pretty amazing chapter ^^
I feel like it is surprising Akia is on board with her long lost brother so quickly. Yes, things must feel like they are falling back into place again and like the time never passed, but there must be some times when Akia realizes Aidan isn't quite the brother she knew before. Everyone changes, and they have had a long enough time apart for him to have changed significantly. So maybe a little focus on those changes and her picking up on them could be nice. Another thing is, when she realizes that even Aidan, even her own brother is keeping secrets from her, how does it make her feel? Betrayed? This could be another key moment to put some more emotions in there! And to show how they must've grown apart and changed.
It was a bit sudden when we lost the girls on the stairs. You did say that they were lagging behind, but I didn't realize Akia was that far ahead of them and had arrived at the lounge way before they did, with enough time for the boys to come and have their conversation. And then bam, they were just gone and Akia was roaring ahead. So make sure you make it really clear how far back they are and when exactly the girls get left behind. Also, make it clear that George and Aidan didn't spot Akia when she was hiding. In my mind she had already been seen, so when they started to talk about her I was very surprised.
That's all the advice I can give for now. I will be reading the next chapter as soon as I can, but meanwhile, keep writing ^^
Deanie x
Timmy here!
So you say you wrote this chapter really quick, eh? I would agree with you and all, because, you know, people are supposed to be agreeable and all, but I don't see all of these errors you're hinting at. It's written well, and everything in it is quite lovely - just like usual. I really enjoy this chapter because it really shows that nothing has changes. Akia is really still in charge, and the preceding moments doesn't make Falyn suddenly the "big boss" of it all. She is still the low girl on the totem pole, although she is slowly climbing the ranks of awesomeness in their standards.
Let's take a peek and see if I can find anything to talk about, shall we?
One thing I really noticed, especially in the beginning, was quite a bit of dialogue. Not in the sense like there was too much dialogue altogether, but it was like you took the parts in-between out and just sandwiched the talking together. Towards the middle you did quite a bit better, but in the beginning parts, it all sounded a bit too much talking-head interviewish. Like you wrote it fast. Not like it was written poorly - never that - but just a bit fast. So when you get around to editing, I would just take that part and add in a bit of thought, action - that kind of stuff, you know? It would make it flow better and fill in the blanks I see there.
Something I am really wondering in this part... When George told Falyn about the vision, Phillip was right there. Right? And I just envisioned this part beginning directly after that, because it seemed that way. Phillip doesn't really seem like the sort of guy to just let Akia and Zeke have their vocal battle, while everyone else stares on in confusion and whatever else. It also seemed rather funny that no one else intervened and said something in someone's favor - especially Falyn. She has a crush on this guy... right? I think she would be jumping up and saying something immediately after Akia hinted at Zeke not coming. She loves him, and he holds her up (sorta, anyway. She is a strong girl). I think she would really want him along, and be arguing with Akia in his defense without even thinking about it.
Wait. Now I am just confused. I have just gone back to read the previous chapter, and it suddenly dawned on me that they all left the battle chamber? Or was it just Akia and the other two? So they all went out to lunch for a while? I admit I am a bit lost here. :/ I went through and re-read all the other chapters.
Ch. 25 pt. 2 - Falyn is told that she is going to lead the charge.
Chapter 26 - Akia is walking around with Aidan and stuff and isn't in the battle room.
Chapter 27 - Falyn explodes when Akia comes into the battle room.
Okay, now I see how everything is structured. And I think the entire problem with my confusion is that we have Falyn in the battle room and everything, her being told and all - and then the entire story completely flips about and we're going with Akia around the building. I think what should have happened is this: Falyn is told - chapter ends. Akia comes in (directly after), and Falyn yells at her. Then the entire thing with Akia roaming the buildings. That would ease my confusion. I am not sure if anyone else had this issue or not (I hope it's just me), but I was a bit confused there for a while, until I went through and looked at them again and sorted it out.
Sorry for just rambling on forever. Sometimes I do that. xD
The entire part with George and Aidan had me a bit concerned there for a while - especially when George went and disappeared like the Wicked Witch of the East. That was kind of weird. Makes me wonder if he is a good guy or no. And this secret of theirs... You didn't tell it. (meanie <.< ) But you did hint at the fact that it was something Akia wouldn't want to know. I am hoping that Aidan and George don't turn out to be wolves in sheeps' clothing, and I am not sure at all if they will or won't turn out to be that way, but I have a little annoying voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me that something isn't quite right here. I wonder what is going to happen. <.< Sneaky little cliffhanger. So mean.
Comma after Oh
technical: you switched to present tense there. Change comments to commented
Slight redundancy with both sentences beginning with It
Comma after me
technical: "Aiden was left standing alone"
This was a good chapter. Very good. One thing I see in every work of yours is that when I leave a piece of yours, I am satisfied. I am more than satisfied. I truly feel as though I really got a lot from the piece, and always enjoy it. And I am always curious for the next chapter, and the upcoming events. Kind of funny, eh? I am satisfied, but I want so much more. But that is just because you are a very talented writer. Some of your chapters have their rough moments - we all do - but I can safely say that this could be the best book I review. Everything is tied together so well. The characters are believable, and the style amazing. Your description and thought and dialogue flow. What more can I say? You have got zie talent. Keep it going.
I guess this time I do have to wait for the next chapter. :/ *grumbles*
~Darth Timmyjake
Yeah, the timing is a bit iffy, isn't it? I tried to tie it all together with Phillip coming out of the room at the end of the last chapter and then having Akia say that she didn't really want to go into the room. Guess I should've said something about her actually going into the room. That might've made it better? Maybe? *sigh* I don't know. Gahhhh! I'm so frustrated at this point :/
Anyways, thanks for your review! It was great
heyyyy, you did fine! Just a bit of clarification. I think the problem for me was that we had to wait fifteen pages to see Falyn's reaction.... You're doing awesome in this novel. Dun forget it.