The masked man didn’t move. “You seem to know a lot about this girl.”
Rhys scoffed. “Have you forgotten everything I told you, Dorrin? I know her. I’ve had her wrapped around my finger for years. We were friends. She trusted me.”
Dorrin. Akia thought about the name. It sounded familiar, but she couldn’t match it with a face. He could’ve been one of Rhys’s old friends from Agathi he had told her about, but she couldn’t be sure. Rhys hadn’t introduced her to any of his friends. Not that she spent any time in Agathi to ever meet them anyway. They would’ve had to make the trip over to Vertfay in order for her to know them. No one but Rhys would be stupid enough to risk doing that.
“What broke that trust?” Dorrin asked, his voice as still and calm as ever. Akia was starting to wonder if he had any emotion in him at all.
Rhys hesitated. Akia waited impatiently, her heart racing with anticipation. The fallout with Rhys had been sudden and confusing. She remembered the argument, but after that was a blur. One day he was there and the next he was gone. She was curious to hear what he would tell a stranger; or rather, someone from the outside. Dorrin was obviously not a stranger.
“She wasn’t who I thought she was,” Rhys explained. “We were on the same page, we supported each other. But when push came to shove, she abandoned me. So I abandoned her.” He said it in such a sure fine way that she almost believed him, believed that that was the right way to treat a friend. An eye for an eye, right?
That’s not how friendship works, she reminded herself. Rhys was so focused on his own success that he hadn’t realized the truth when it was right under his nose: his experiments were a hazard to everyone around him. If Akia hadn’t had said something, no one would’ve. And it was better coming from her than from anyone else. Rhys couldn’t understand that.
She suddenly felt someone watching her. Turning her gaze slightly, she found Seth looking at her. His eyes were wide, scared and pleading for her to save him. It was imperative that she get to him as soon as possible. But she couldn’t do it just then. There was something else she had to do.
She didn’t have time to wait around any longer. They had wasted enough time already. She knew the situation, knew who she was up against. Now it was time to make a move. She kept her gaze on Seth’s, wordlessly telling him what she couldn’t say out loud: she’d be back for him.
She turned and headed back down the alley, praying that Sam would follow her. But of course he would. He wouldn’t stay to duke it out with Rhys and the new threat without her.
“Are you stupid?” Sam asked when they made it out of the alley and back onto the street. “We’re wasting time by not going after him now.”
“I need something,” Akia responded. “Something important. And you’re coming with me.” She considered telling Sam what she was looking for, but she knew he wouldn’t believe her. Not until he saw it. So she just continued on. He could ask all the questions he wanted, but he’d get nothing out of it.
He seemed to have figured that out by himself as the rest of the walk went past in silence. They trailed back the same way they came, through the collapsed buildings and across empty intersections. Years ago those intersections were crowded with people trying to make their way to work or out to lunch.
How much Akia wanted to be back in that time. Life was much easier when she was protecting the king and fighting to get her parent’s attention. She didn’t have to worry about all of the other worlds. She wasn’t in charge of training kids in magic. No one threatened her very existence.
She was just Akia Noyes, strongest magician in her class and highest ranking king’s guard.
Life would never be like that again. Now she was trading fists with someone who used to be her closest friend. She was forced to find ways to keep the worlds safe. She had the upper hand though, as she had something that Rhys desperately needed.
Akia stopped outside of her family’s noodle shop while Sam walked by. It took him a few moments to realize she had stopped and doubled back. He must’ve been lost in memories as she had been.
“Distracted?” she asked, grinning.
“Why are we back here?” he asked.
“You’ll see,” was all she said. The door to the restaurant was already cracked down the middle and folding in so it wasn’t hard to break down. One swift kick and the entire thing crumbled.
Akia stepped over the splintered wood and through the threshold. She used to spend hours here, helping her mother until Aidan or Kit got back from work. It was usually Kit though, because Aidan left to live at the castle when she was still young. Since she was younger, around ten, she couldn’t help much with the restaurant. Mostly she would dry dishes and bring out new chairs for the tables. She spent many hours doing homework at the back table while she waited for closing. And that’s exactly where she was heading.
“Wow, this place has really taken a beating,” Sam commented. “I remember my parents taking me here every Friday. They called it Noodle Night. So original, I know.”
Akia wasn’t going to let anything stop her from her search, but the sudden comment was too much for her curiosity. “You were here? Every Friday?”
“Yup.” Sam deadpanned as he walked deeper into the building. There were tables knocked over, chairs broken into tiny pieces, bowls shattered across the floor. He stepped around them with such ease. Of course he wouldn’t care as much about the place as Akia did. It was her family’s restaurant after all.
“I don’t remember you being there,” she replied, following him cautiously. She wasn’t in the mood to stab her foot with a shard of glass left over from a bowl.
Sam was quiet for a moment. “Well I remember you. Perfect little Akia Noyes sitting at the back table with her perfectly curly blonde hair and brown eyes full of adventure. The daughter of Kit, the King’s top advisor. The most talented magician. Everyone knew you, Akia, even those who didn’t wanted to.”
She stared. “What?” It didn’t seem possible. No one cared for her in Vertfay. She didn’t have many friends and the ones she did weren’t ones you’d pick. They were only around because they felt bad for her. That’s why she was so willing to give Rhys a chance. He was the only one that could see her for who she really was, not just the girl who exceeded at everything.
To think that Sam, and others apparently, had noticed her… it just didn’t make sense. Why didn’t they ever talk to her? Why had the crowds still parted around her at school? She had still felt like a nobody.
But she couldn’t think about that now. She needed to keep her mind on getting Seth to safety and then taking the fight to Rhys.
She would’ve spent the time going back through the entire restaurant, but she knew exactly where she needed to go. She didn’t have time to be nostalgic. All she needed was to visit that table at the back of the room where she spent all those days studying. That’s where it was hidden.
“Whoa, look at this.” Sam called from behind the barrier. The restaurant was split into two sections: carryout and the dining room. The carryout area was closest to the door and even had a few tables for those who wanted to eat a small meal for a few minutes. A make shift wall separated the two areas with a wide archway built in.
She made her way through the archway and into the dining room. It was just as chaotic in here as it was in the front. It made her angry. Why would someone have decided to fight in a restaurant? She understood wanting to be safe and win a war, but this was just ridiculous. There were other places where people could fight.
When she reached Sam, she realized he was already at the back table. It was the only table left standing and remained untouched. Even the wallpaper, that ugly yellow striped wallpaper that she hated, was still in tack. The rest of the walls had peeling wallpaper or any at all. It was like this corner was immune to the atrocities.
Akia headed straight to the table. She ran a hand over it which sent a shiver down her spine, a good one; a reminder that her plan had worked. “It’s still here,” she breathed.
“What is?” Sam asked.
The corners of her mouth rose involuntarily. “You’ll see.” She sat in the chair, a red one with a most comfortable, checkered cushion, and bent her head to look under the table. The underside was a smooth black. She ran her hand along it until she felt the indent. Heart racing, she pushed with her index and middle finger and heard a click.
A door flipped down, revealing a small compartment. And there, shimmering in the light still flickering from the ceiling (Akia wondered how the light bulb hadn’t burned out after all these years) was a silver locket.
“Where did you get that?” Sam asked.
“Had it since the beginning.” She held the locket in front of her face, studying it. It was just as she had left it.
“Whoa, the beginning of what?” When she didn’t respond, Sam grabbed her shoulders. “Akia, how long have you had the locket?”
She finally met his eyes. “I promise you that Rhys didn’t give this to me. I took it from him years ago.”
“How long ago exactly?” Sam was being rather demanding, as if he believed that Akia had somehow done something wrong. If he would just let her explain, he’d understand.
She sighed and motioned for Sam to sit. He didn’t. He remained standing, arms crossed. He’s really accusing me. Akia realized. It made her heart hurt. They had been best friends since they made it to Lightport and now he wasn’t even going to give her the benefit of the doubt?
It was a story that she didn’t want to recall, but she knew she had to. She had spent years burying it in her subconscious, promising to never bring it up again, like most of her memories. But now that she was here and she needed the locket, the story would have to resurface.
“I lied. I lied to everyone, okay? I saw Rhys when he came back.”
“Came back?” Sam asked.
Akia nodded. “After he had disappeared after his experiment, he came back to Vertfay to find me, ask me for a second chance. This was before he attacked the world. He still wanted to be friends despite my obvious disinterest in his plans. He showed me the locket. This locket. He explained all about how he found it and what it could do, which was a mistake on his part.”
“Where’d he get it?”
“Well, he got the locket from a store down the road. It was just a normal, boring locket. The way it holds powers comes from one of his many experiments. He created a spell that could contain other magic. Obviously it needs a catalyst, which is where the locket comes in. That’s all I know.”
“All you know?” Sam sighed, sitting in the chair beside her. “Akia, you know more than that. You don’t have to hide anything from me.”
Akia shook her head. “I don’t know what else to tell you. I stole the locket when I came back to fight for my father’s life; two years ago. I hid it here so no one would find it. Rhys would never think to look here. So it was safe.”
“What about all the powers Rhys has?”
Akia shrugged. “He doesn’t have them. Only thinks he does.”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Timmy hereee
This may turn out to be the shortest review I've ever given you, as there isn't really much of anything to ramble about for a few thousand characters. The other reviewers have done a marvelous job picking out all the stuff I might have said, and so there is nothing left for me but to pick up the few pieces left over and see what I can do.
Actually, while I loved the writing in this chapter and the building of both Akia and Sam's character, I have a few things which irked me. And my reasoning for that may seem odd and almost illogical, but I'm going to spout it all out, anyway. I dunno. When I read through it, after having all this tension for so long about what Rhys could do, I felt cheated. So. Akia has what Rhys needs to become powerful. He isn't powerful yet? >< We've been holding our breath for what seems like chapters upon chapters, waiting and expecting for some amazing plan of Rhys to blow Akia off her feet - and then she scramble back and beat da pants off him. But she has everything under control? She has the key? Rhys isn't as powerful as we all supposed? I won't say it was horrible, because nothing you write ever even ventures towards that. Your writing and plot points are always amazing. But this part didn't seem to hold up to what you normally have up your sleeve. It was too much in Akia's favor, and things hadn't even really begun. Think of LOTR, basically the best fantasy story ever. At no given point did they have the upper hand - except perhaps in small battles - and things always seemed like they were on the brink of death, even when close to victory. That story, that idea keeps the reader riveted to the page. Because they know the character is vulnerable and weak, and the suspense builds because the opposing side holds so much more.
All the backstory does, in part, difuse much of the suspense the chapter may have had before. Rosie went into depth on that subject, so I will only touch on it. While the information on all we learned here is important, you can find a better time to relay the information to us. And in a few places, you seemed to head off on a ramble there for a bit. I'll show you what I mean in one section, and you can apply it to the rest.
This is unnecessary information. Most of this could be taken out entirely, as their kitchen and restaurant arrangements are so far in the past, they don't pertain to her present or future in the slightest. The only part of this paragraph I see necessary is where you say that she was doing homework at the back table (because it sets the scene for what Sam says moments later), but everything else builds a story that shouldn't be told - not here.
Comma after them
Assuming this is referring to the locket (as it seemed to be the only choice), this sentence seems veryyy out of place. We have no knowledge of the locket's existence, and we don't find out for a long ways yet. So it took me out of the chapter for a moment while I cleaned it up.
Wallpaper has nothing to do with horses, Noelle. Nothing at aaaall. heehee
Intact, perhaps?
So the only thing I don't like about this chapter is how everything seems too easy now. And since I'm trying to read and review this as though I have no knowledge of the future chapters, it was a bit disappointing, really. Think of suspense as this balloon the reader is suspended inside. That popped the balloon. As usual, I know you have some special trick slipped under your sleeve. The following chapters are proof of that.
And that is the only thing I don't like about this chapter. Everything else was as I would expect from you, Noelle. The writing flows, wonderful descriptions (especially of the noodle shop), and just an overall very wonderful chapter. I enjoyed this ^.^
(I haven't reviewed in a week. I feel so russssty.)
~Darth Timmyjake
Hello, KatyaElefant here for another review! Let's see what we have right here...
I wish when you were talking about how Akia wanted her old life back, that you said something like I wish I wasn't stuck with saving the whole world. This world can all die for all I care. It's something that everyone would say and then realize is completely messed up after they think about it. I wish you had more of that conflict in Akia's head right there.
I am just wondering. How did this big blast destroy all these people and these major and strong buildings and then the noodle house still survive? I mean I like the idea of having a part of Akia's childhood still alive but it seems unrealistic to me. Also, just for curiosity's sake, I was wondering what type of spell was used through the town? Also, are these worlds, just towns or what we see as plain cities? Are they teeny tiny planets or just flat areas on this large land? You need to clarify this for me(the technical and scientific one).
That light bulb is probably one of those light bulbs that can last 11 years straight. XD
So why does this specific locket the only one that can hold powers? I would think that Rhys could create a locket EXACTLY like the one he had before and then store is magic in there. Has he even think to try to that?
That cliffhanger(again) was confusing to me. I know that Rhys can do magic and he seems to have his powers so why doesn't he have them? Are his powers not equivalent to his magic? Every single one of these chapters, I ask so many questions that want to be answered and of course, you stop yourself from answering them, Noelle! Why? You can answer them! We can argue! It's all just to help you as a writer and to help me as a reviewer!
Oh and one more thing. I have a hunch that Rhys is going to be right behind them and he's going to be like 0-o. Just a hunch.
Keep calm and keep writing
KatyaElefant
Well that answers my question of does Rhys even know the man's name...
Hey, Noelle!
STUFFS DOING DOWN.
A part of me is starting to wonder why you didn't just end the chapter off here? It's a perfect spot, tying off the conversation, ending us with a juicy cliff hanger to beg for more. Yes, the conversation could still continue, but it's a perfect lead. Why wait and drag this one out another two parts (maybe 2.000 words each? Now, I'm a fan of long chapters, but I feel like once it gets over 4,000-ish words, enough's enough and then it might start dragging in too long. But I have to read the next part to see.)
So Rhys doesn't have his powers. That makes so much sense. That's why he wasn't really able to do it all, since I'm guessing all the power is in this one locket. But I really wonder, why in the world is Akia getting this now? She's about to go showdown with Rhys and then she brings the one thing that he desperately wants and will do anything to get his hand on... What? How is that going to work? Wait... IS AKIA GOING TO USE IT?? o.o
One thing which I wish you'd clarify a bit more is what makes this locket so special. If Rhys has that spell to contain all magic and he needs a catalyst, then why don't other lockets or items work? You shown in a previous chapter Rhys trying to fill a 'normal' locket with his powers but it shattered. Has be not been able to perfect the spell? What's up with that?
I don't have much else to say about this, because I was really sucked into it all really early on, since this is a continuation. The normal beginning exposition was there, but it's still cool! I love seeing Akia in action and I liked there dialogue. Just Sam's reaction to it all was priceless. Then the confession and ya' know. The rest is history.
Anyways, still is becoming so awesome! ^^ Onward! Happy Reciew Day and Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
Hi Noelle!
I am getting through these chapters. I am going to be done by today no problem at this rate
I really loved this so far. I am so glad Sam did doubt her when she showed him the locket because it would've been unrealistic if he simply accepted that she had it with no qualms about it in the slightest. I also was pretty surprised to know she had the locket after all that time D: What would she have done with it if Seth wasn't captured and she didn't need it to rescue him? I wonder... Another thing I love this story is how much the past has a role to play in things. I believe that the past does affect what we do today and will do in the future an awful lot, so it's good to see it reflected here. Also, the characters and relationships here are very important when it comes to the plot as well. I love it <3 When Sam talked about noticing Akia all that time I couldn't help but wonder if they were going to be shipped together. I hope not. Sam is all for Falyn!
I was surprised that Akia was not worried in the slightest that Seth's gaze being trained on them might give them away. I am sure that Dorrin and Rhys would be checking on him every now and again. In that case they would be looking back, and if he is continuously staring in the same direction it would definitely look suspicious. I would think that Akia would tell him to look away once they notice his gaze, and only connect eyes one more time before they go. And I think that after sending the mental 'we'll come back' look, she should be a little bit worried if he didn't get it. Because he might just cry out when they leave and give it all away, if he didn't properly understand. I think that would be something worth worrying about!
Also, when they are going into the noodle bar to find the locket, they don't even give a single worry to the building coming crumbling down on top of them while they are inside. I especially would've thought that might've gotten attention when they were kicking the door down, because it might shift the building or something. If it is one of the more solid buildings in the street, don't forget to mention it to us as well. You have given us a lot of descriptions of this place already, but let's just assume that all readers have terrible memories!
This sentence doesn't make complete sense yet? You need to make it a full one by rewording. Something like 'It was impossible to know how much Akia... etc.'
I felt like those two sentences basically repeated the same thing twice over and one of them would be unnecessary. So maybe cut one out of it?
I know, a short review but it's all your work needs >.> I can't think of anything more to say or that needs improving. So I will keep reading!
Deanie x
How did I miss this? ><
Yes, how dare you!
Hello.
Haven't read previous parts. Just going off what I see here.
You started off interesting with the confrontation, but unfortunately you lost all tension when you had her up and leave to go get something and proceed to get lost in the past. Even though this is a very late chapter, you still have to keep that tension up if you want to keep readers interested. Part of this is because I have no idea where they are, but for me it seemed like such an odd thing to do— leave when there are dangerous people around who're talking about you and basically revealing you were a pawn.
Then, after she leaves, you recount the past without much feeling or purpose to it. It's an infodump that detracts from the action and doesn't explain why she's leaving or even how she's leaving. How will she know they'll still be there to deal with? She seems to be working under the assumption they'll be in exactly the same place and the narrative doesn't even acknowledge that they could move and she'd lose her opportunity past a single line that doesn't even directly acknowledge it. Just asks what she's doing and it's "I have to go get something" without a thought.
On top of that, the detached prose tells us what she wishes her life was like without actually revealing anything she's feeling. There's no physical reaction, no worry, no her actually... being impacted by what she has to do. You could characterize her so much by saying if she's throwing herself into it despite wishing it was different, pushing any thoughts about how she wants something else out of her mind; or her wistfully wanting to give up only for her to realize how many would die if she did; or how the task feels too big for such a small girl. Even though it's a chapter 33, you should still be revealing character through showing how she feels about it. Instead, I get dry information without any emotion to it.
Overall, this felt detached, illogical, and purposeless. Give me a reason for this to happen and some real consequence to the action, some actual stakes to her staying or leaving, and you'll be well on your way to something amazing.
~Rosey
Hey Noelle! :3
I'm quite excited that Akia has the locket, and what's this about Rhys? He only thinks he's powerful? This seems almost too good to be true!
At first I was worried that we were getting a bit sidetracked by going off to get what Akia 'needed', but once I found out what it was, I realized that I'd have to put up with it!
Of course, you're not supposed to listen to me when I mention grammar- but I thought I'd say this under the warning.
What! Akia has blonde curly hair?! I don't remember that. O.O Maybe I just forgot, but perhaps you forgot to mention what Akia's appearance was? Maybe just keep that in mind for the future.
Notice I'm only talking about small things again? Yeah, honestly, my biggest concern wen reading your work is that I'm not going to find anything to review! D:
Anyway; the 'ed' I think was just a mistake, I think it should jut be 'want'. :3
I liked the little talk with Sam in the noodle shop. It was kind of a cool realization they - or just Akia - had that they'd been near each other many, many times as kids, but they never got to know each other until later. I always like little things like that, little things that make you go; Whoa O.O.
Anyway, awesome job, and keep the awesomeness flowing!!!
-Socks