They sat in silence the rest of the way, except for the occasional whispers Falyn and Mina shared. Layna seemed content with sightseeing while Sam kept glancing at Akia. She’d raise her eyebrows, begging him to explain, but he wouldn’t talk.
The ship finally made it through the river and they floated out into the sea. It was much larger in person than she ever imagined. There was nothing but blue in every direction. She was staring off the back, watching the land get smaller in the distance. This was the third world that she was being relocated to. When she was growing up, there wasn’t even the option of visiting other worlds. No one was to travel to another unless on official business. Now she was being forced across borders and across worlds just to sop her childhood best friend.
“Land ho,” Phillip muttered. Akia quickly stood and looked off the front of the ship. They were rapidly approaching a port that was surrounded by land. It was like an indent was made in the land specifically for the port.
Her eyes grazed the beach, expecting families to be out in the late afternoon sun, but there was no one. The beach was vacant. Ahead, she could see rows of houses, all of them made brick and separated by a small patch of grass. It was eerily quiet.
As the Warriors ushered people off the ship, Akia leaned close to Phillip. “How long will Falyn’s magic hold?”
“Not sure,” he admitted. “Probably until something distracts her. I don’t know everything about shapeshifters.
She didn’t like that answer. It wasn’t comforting knowing that the shifting might not even hold. Pushing her fear to the back of her mind, she gathered the group. “They’re herding everyone off to the left. Once we get off we need to head to the right.”
“How will we get past the Warriors?” Mina asked.
“Leave that to me,” Layna responded. There was a maniacal glint in her eyes. “I’m good at this.” Akia was itching to ask what she was planning, but thought better of it. Telek magic was complicated enough to begin with. She really didn’t want to know how the Warriors’ minds were going to be melted or turned upside down.
The ship emptied rather quickly. Akia looked ahead, trying to see where the people were being directed to. They were quickly being ushered toward, what she assumed to be, the main street of the city. Where they went from there she couldn’t tell.
Once they got off the boat and stood on dry land, Layna stepped forward. With a snap of her fingers, the two Warriors waiting for them looked only at her. “You don’t need to send us with the rest. We were brought here by mistake. Our house is just that way.” She talked to them slowly, as if they weren’t going to understand what she was saying. Akia looked around nervously as the scene unfolded in front of her. She trusted Layna, but she wasn’t sure how the other Warriors would react. Luckily they were all preoccupied with the others from the boat.
“May we pass?” Layna asked. The Warriors nodded and stepped aside. “Thank you so much.” She looked back at Akia before taking off toward the city. The rest of the group ran off after her as fast as they could. Akia could hear shouts behind them. At first she was confused, thinking that Layna’s magic hadn’t done its job, but then she noticed everyone’s disguises were gone. The other Warriors must’ve recognized them.
“Falyn, your magic ran out!” She shouted back through the wind.
“Sorry!” Falyn responded. “I panicked! What now?”
“We keep running! What else?”
Sam suddenly appeared at her side. “Do you know where you’re going?”
“No idea,” Akia said as she took a sharp right and led them down another street. It looked just the same as the last one; brick houses and tiny patches of grass. How did anyone find their way around this place?
They took two more right turns and a left before Akia decided they were far enough away and could slow down. It was only mid-afternoon, but no one was outside. Every window they walked past was either blocked off or had curtains drawn tight behind it.
It wasn’t until they were halfway down that street that they saw someone. A door opened quickly and a man stepped out. He waved them on, looking nervously up and down the street.
“What’s he want?” Mina asked.
Akia rolled her eyes. “What else could that mean? Come on.” When they got closer, the man disappeared back into his house, but left the door open. Akia walked in first, ushering everyone past her and pulling the door shut quickly. They were plunged into darkness, but not long after the lights flickered on. Standing in the middle of the room was Niro.
Everyone was silent. Akia didn’t know what to say, how to react. They had been enemies for so many years, but here he was ---freely inviting them into his house.
Aidan broke the silence. “What are you doing here? Thought you were working for Rhys.”
“Thought you were too,” Niro retorted. “Look, Rhys isn’t good at keeping an ally in me. I choose what side I’m on. Right now I’m on yours. I can’t believe you guys were stupid enough to come here like this. It’s gonna be harder to protect you.”
“How do we know we can trust you?” Falyn asked, stepping forward. She was only inches from him when she said, “The last time I saw you was in the forest when you tried to kill me and Akia.”
Niro remained calm. “I was ordered to scare you off and take Akia back as prisoner. Obviously that didn’t work.”
“Damn right it didn’t,” she retorted. “You’re not even strong enough to defeat a bunch of teenagers.”
Niro’s eyes were blazing. “It was your idiot fake father that got in my way. If he wasn’t there I would’ve completed my job.”
“No excuses. If you couldn’t stop us before, how are you going to be able to stop anyone here?”
Akia looked nervously between the two. Niro looked like he was ready to punch out Falyn and she looked like she wasn’t going to let him do anything. Akia had to step in before things exploded.
“Look,” she interrupted. “I trust you, okay? I know you well enough to judge your alliances. If I catch you trying to betray us I won’t hold back. Understand?”
Niro eventually tore his gaze away from Falyn’s. “Understood. I’ll explain everything if everyone promises to not interrupt.” When he was met with silence, he continued. “So this is Ebron, the sixth world that was formed well after the original five, the ones that you guys know all about. Dorrin was the founder after transporting a bunch of his own people here from another region. He tried to make peace with the other worlds, but none of the leaders would bite. He got mad, broke off from the others, and demanded they forget about him. His pride got in the way.
“Ebron was wiped off the maps, but still traded with because the other worlds needed some of the resources that used to be here. Dorrin was mostly peaceful. Until he heard about Rhys that is. He searched him out and they agreed to create a world where everyone was equal. Rhys shared all his experiments and they set their plan into motion. Once everyone’s magic was gone and in their control, the world would be equal.
“That’s where we are now; a world where no one has any magic except for the two rulers. Dorrin is the ultimate ruler while Rhys runs around doing his bidding.” He paused to run a had through his thin hair. “Did the Warriors see you?”
Akia nodded solemnly. “I thought we could get by without being noticed. It didn’t quite happen that way.”
“Right,” Niro said, quite uninterestingly. “I’m sorry to say that I only have two bedrooms in this house. There is a basement, but I can’t say that I’ve ever cleaned it. Let me know if you need anything. We’ll talk more tomorrow.” He turned on his heel and headed up the stairs, rather loudly.
There was a single couch against the back wall and a small chair next to the door. Akia and Sam plopped down on the couch while Falyn took the chair and the others found a place on the floor.
“Did you know it was that bad?” Akia asked Phillip.
“No,” he responded. “Although I’m not surprised. We knew that Rhys would do anything for revenge. This is his idea of it.”
“So, what, no one has powers anymore?” Mina asked.
“The elementals probably still have their powers,” Sam commented. “Because they never did anything wrong in his eyes.”
Akia took the locket out and ran her thumb over it again. She had all of the magic left in her hand. With one simple spell she could change everything. She was the one who had come up with the spell to release the magic after all. It was something simple that could free everyone from Dorrin’s grasp.
When she looked up, Aidan was looking at her, a slight smile on his face. “You know how to let them out, don’t you?”
Akia looked from him back to the locket and then at everyone in the room. Five pairs of eyes looked at her expectedly, but still soft enough to remind her that they cared. They weren’t just using her because of what she could do, much like Rhys did when they were younger. They weren’t going to bail if she failed, must like Rhys did when they were younger.
She made up her mind. “I do know the spell. It’s mine, after all. The problem is teaching someone how to do it because I can’t.”
“I’ll do it,” Aidan volunteered immediately.
“But I don’t want to do it until tomorrow,” she replied. “It’ll give us some time to rest and think about what’s ahead. We’ve already lost the worlds; what else is there for us to lose? There’s really no urgency.”
As much as she wanted to solve the problem then and there, she knew it couldn’t be done. They were in a new home, a new world, but had the same old enemy. And after finding out that Niro no longer valued his alliance with Rhys, Akia was ready to milk it for all it was worth. They’d need the different types of magic everyone offered in order to put up a fight.
Once it was decided, Akia watched everyone got up and headed off to find somewhere to sleep. Everyone except for Falyn, who hadn’t moved from the chair. She was staring right at Akia, but her lips were sealed tight.
“Something wrong?” Akia asked her.
She shook her head and laughed. “When you guys first asked me to come with you I was only going to get away from that Warrior. I didn’t want to leave Agathi, I didn’t want to ruin the life I thought I was meant to have. Then I wanted to fight, but got frustrated because the life I thought I knew wasn’t it at all. The truth sent me back a few steps and I wasn’t ready to handle it. But now… now I accept it all and I’m ready to fight. Wow, didn’t think I’d actually admit that.”
Akia smiled at her. “That’s refreshing to hear, Falyn. We’ll need you. Where else would we be without our moonstar?”
“What does that even mean?” Falyn asked, laughing.
“It’s just some stupid code name. Doesn’t mean much of anything. Kind of stupid, really.” The girls shared a good laugh before Akia stood. “Come on, let’s go with the others. There’s nothing left to do today.”
The two of them headed off to look at the rest of the house. Akia tried to push everything to the back of her mind, but she couldn’t. No matter what else they were talking about, she was always thinking about Dorrin and Rhys. And it worried her. The fight they had ahead of them would be just as difficult as the one they’d just finished. But with everyone by her side, she couldn’t see a way they could fail.
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Hi Noelle!
And this is actually a very very strong first draft. It was a pleasure to read and review your novel all the way through and it was such a good story! I did think the ending would be a bit of a cliffhanger, which it is, but that is perfectly okay. I really do hope you go on to write book 2 as well, and if you ever post it on here please do let me know! I loved reading this. The ending was a bit strange because it seems like they just got to Ebron and everything is paused now, but it is still a good settle point. Especially because of from Falyn's speech we can see how the characters have all developed to get where they are. I will admit, I wanted a bit of romancing to happen before the end but maybe that will happen in the sequel.
THE END
*flails*
Congratulations on reaching all the way to this point! It must be quite an event to get the first draft done
Only a few points from me because everything else has already been mentioned...
What I really did want to see was a bit more of setting description. I mean, they just came to a completely new world. Yes, they are rushing and in fear of getting caught but they can still take in their surroundings as they run which I would've imagined that Akia would have been doing because it might come in handy for making a plan later. I wanted to compare and see how different this world is from all the other ones. Especially as there are elementals here with completely different powers and rules to follow than in their own. Something muct be unique!
Also, isn't it a bit dumb not to release the powers. Yes, they want to keep their energy but it is so much safer to share the powers so everyone can protect themselves instead of keeping it in one unsafe place still in the house with someone who may or may not betray them. Just sayin'. I don't see how Akia thought her idea was a good one... especially as she wanted to end things just then as well.
You never closed the speech here! It needs some speech marks at the end.
That's all from me. It has been a pleasure reviewing for you Noelle <3 Keep writing!
Deanie x
I'm here for the next one! Is Wolfare saying that you completed this book, but you just haven't posted the last chapters yet? Congratulations, Noelle!
There isn't anything particularly wrong with these sentences, but I felt that it didn't read well. You say "port" then "land" and "land" then "port" again. It just kind of felt like you took the first sentence and flipped the order around for the second one. The simple description still puts a good image in my mind, though. To fix the issue, I'd get rid of the last "port" and say something like "specifically for ships to pull anchor and rest from the tossing sea."
Neither of the commas are needed here.
A small nitpick.
I think there should be a small pause in the dialogue before she says "Wow." Something like: "She blinked, and stared down at her hands." Something like that, at least. xD
Once again, there isn't much wrong with this chapter and I fear that I'll end up being of little help. It's all written just so well. Your descriptions of the brick houses and silent neighborhoods are just perfect, your characters interact with one another so realistically, and the plot line is very good.
I can tell that this is a very, very important chapter. We see this guy named Niro again, a guy who's kind of a bad guy but also a friend, who graciously allows the teenagers to rest at his house for the night. He tells the characters some clearly important things. I can sense that things are coming to an end, and this final battle will the climax of the novel.
You're an incredible writer, Noelle. Good job sticking with this novel, I think it has really paid off!
This is indeed the last chapter ^_^ It actually didn't turn out exactly how I wanted it to, but it's good enough. That's what editing is for :3
Oh wow, so it is! *throws confetti*
You gotta put "THE END," Noelle!I'm sure I would have known that if I had read it all, haha! Congratzzzz!I love being the first review because I can comment on everything and not copy anyone :3 But, hello again! And on the conclusion, oh my ;-; *moment of silence for the occasion*
You know the drill -- nitpicks!
... because sopping someone is so fun to do xD
Sorry for the somewhat large quote, but here is some huge repetition. Did you forget that this was mentioned? If it was meant for effect, it only sounded redundant and threw me for a loop (and you didn't even repeat it right :3). I recommend removing one.
Just some more minor repetition in dialogue and it sounds clunky and unnatural. An easy fix, really.
I'm going to bring this up again, and since I'm commenting as I go, I don't know if this will come in plot wise, but why has Akia not restored her powers yet? If they're sitting in silence, it would be perfect to do it. Or even at least cross her mind and then she dismisses it because it would attract too much attention (for whatever reason) or something of that like. Don't just ignore it for ending plots!I feel super smart xD Of course Akia can't do it because she doesn't have any magic. However, I do wish she would at least thing about it, long for it more. Because now, it seems like she's content without having magic, when we were shown before she's not.
I love the immediate description of the world. It very obviously gives the dictator type feel to everything. It all being so plain and controlled! However, I am wondering why bring everyone here to control. (And they're even setting up the 'everyone is equal' thing, just by property.) Perhaps because things were set up for that?
Alright, onto Niro, because that confused me a lot xD Pretty convenient timing for him to show up, if you ask me xD Anyway, if he invited them into his house, and Akia recognizied him as their enemy, why would Akia not expect him to try and kill them rather than assuming he was trying to help them and be confused? Wouldn't she be more hostile towards him, like Falyn? What makes her trust him, because I'm honestly confused.
And why would Niro try to protect them...? He says he switched sides yes, but how did he expect to protect them from in Ebron while they were in the other five worlds? Seriously, Niro, there doesn't seem like a lot he could do. Or if he would even know their whereabouts.
Also, no one seemed to listen to Niro's spiel whatsoever. They completely went along with it, not questioning or commenting on all this new stuff they just learned. There was no reaction or conversation and it felt slightly info-dumpy to me about this wonderful world they're in now. If you don't want them knowing anything else yet, at least have them ask questions and Niro brush them off, telling them to wait a bit to find their answers or something.
Speaking of no listening to them, if Niro just said no one else has their magic, wouldn't he mean that in Ebron no one would either? That includes elementals. So, why would someone say right after, "Oh, I bet someone still has their magic, despite this guy helping us just saying that no one else does!"
And then what about Niro? How did he get there? Does no one bother wondering that, even Akia? And if no one else has their powers (other than this group here) does that mean Niro has been stripped of his powers too? Did nobody think of that? Niro's part seemed a little rushed and didn't make much sense that no one would question him at all.
Now, about what Niro said (not him anymore xD) why didn't the other leaders make peace with Dorin? Did they keep fighting him? And how did "demanding they forget about him" work? That's not how memories work. Did they try to forget him anyway? Did they want to? I don't really understand. Also, did Dorin have the same youth potion as Rhys, because the origin of the worlds had to have been ages ago. How is he still here?
Now, despite all those lovely unsolved questions that really confused me, this seemed like a satisfying ending. They've gone on all these adventures, temporarily subdued Rhys and it's not a horrible cliff hanger that leaves us hating you. Overall, I'm put at ease. And though I'm left wanting more from a second book, this feels like a good place to stop, so congrats to you for not creating a whole fan base hating you for a terrible ending!
That's about all I have to say. I really loved this part, and the book as a whole, which you did a fantastic job with. Once again, congratulations and thank you for keeping with it! (YOU FINISHED A NOVEL!! SQUEEEEE~)
*ahem* Happy Review Day and Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare