Akia
No matter how many times Akia transported, she’d never get used to it. Just the idea of taking her body and throwing it through the air to another destination made her skin crawl. It wasn’t any better when it actually happened. There was always a feeling of some kind of force pushing down on her, making her feel like she couldn’t move.
When she and Sam appeared in Vertfay, she stumbled, trying to regain her balance. Her head was spinning and she could feel bile rising in her throat. She hated it. Why couldn’t she just learn how to deal with it like the rest of them?
“Akia,” Sam said, his voice empty and breathless. She was still bent over, trying to catch her breath when he called her. Slowly, she straightened and looked around. She felt sick all over again.
Vertfay was no more. The buildings that once stood tall were lumped into heaps on the ground. There was no more snow, which was strange since the world was built into the Daker Mountains. It was always at a high level, thus drawing more snow than not.
Clouds clogged the otherwise brilliant sky and fog fell to the ground. Despite the obscured vision, they could still see well. The sun was still trying to force its way through. It created a cascade of colors through the fog, lighting their way. About ten or so feet ahead of them was Akia’s mother’s noodle shop.
Akia couldn’t help it, tears ran down her cheeks. The building was still standing, its single lever, boxed look the same that it always was. As she walked closer, she saw that the windows were blown out, glass shattered across the floor. The tables were overturned and bowls flung across the floor.
“Rhys didn’t wait for anyone,” she muttered. “He just came in while people were still eating.” Sam didn’t say anything, but she wasn’t looking for conversation. All she wanted to do was find Seth and leave. Especially now that she saw what Rhys had done to her world. She hated him now more than ever.
Tilting her head back, she saw the sign dangling over the door, clinging on to life by a single rope. At one point of time it had hung on strong, announcing to all that this was the Noyes’ place. It wasn’t that far away from the castle and she remembered the short walk back from guard duty daily.
She turned, searching through the fog for the pale yellow castle, but she couldn’t find it. Not even it’s enormous figure stood out. There was nothing on the other side of town, not one single building standing.
“How did it get like this?” she asked. “This was our home, Sam. He destroyed it.” She could barely stand anymore. She nearly melted into Sam’s arms as he reached for her. He pulled her into a hug and held her tight.
“I know,” he whispered. “But we have a new home now. Lightport. Our family is there, Layna, Phillip, Falyn, Mina… even George. Vertfay might not be standing anymore, but we have a better one just across the river. Mourn for a loss, but don’t let it ruin what you have now.”
Akia knew that he was right. This life, her life in Vertfay, was over. Everyone had left to build a life somewhere else. She had to be just like them. If she couldn’t get over what she had left behind, things weren’t going to get better.
She nodded. “We can’t stand here worrying about the past. We have to move on and find Seth.” She slipped out of his arms. “Do you think Rhys will be close by?”
“Something tells me Rhys wouldn’t leave Seth by himself. He’ll be there. But we can fight him off. In and out, just like I told you.”
Akia nodded. They had talked to Phillip shortly before they left. His main concern was that they contacted him the moment they found Seth, something Akia was going to do anyway. Sam was the one who had talked about how quick they needed to get it done. In and out, just like he’d reminded her.
They started down the road they had appeared on, not sure where to start. Akia figured if they just kept walking, they’d find the way eventually.
It was just as hard for her to pass by the buildings down the road as it was for her to realize that the castle and her family’s restaurant were destroyed. How could Rhys have done this to her? After al of those years spent talking and planning, he betrayed her.
What did his warning even mean? Stay out of my way and I won’t be forced to hurt you. That’s what he had said, but he had offered no explanation. He didn’t care for her anymore; it was obviously just a ploy. If he did this to her home world, there was no way he cared what happened to her now.
The fog thinned as they walked, making it easier to see the surroundings. Akia barely recognized any of the buildings. A row of two story houses were deteriorated, the top half of them gone and half of the bricks from the bottom level had been ripped away. Some framing was still standing on the second floor which made for a strange image. It’s like Rhys only bothered to destroy half of the house.
But was it really him who did it? Akia wondered. She was fine with blaming everything one him because he was the one who destroyed everything. There was a whole war here in Vertfay though. It could’ve been any one of the magicians that threw a spell in the wrong direction.
She shook her head, trying to clear the idea from her mind. She had no one else to blame but Rhys. He was the one who had brought the fight to them. We fought back in order to defend our world.
“Any sight of him?” Sam asked.
Akia sighed. “Sam, I’ve been looking the same places you’ve been. If you haven’t seen him, I haven’t either.” Sam scoffed and mumbled something about not needing to be a smart aleck. She had to bite her lip to keep from laughing. He had to know that she was right and now he was only trying to save face. But he didn’t have to save face around her. They knew too much about each other to be ashamed of little things like that.
Suddenly, he stuck his arm out to stop her. “Do you hear that?” he asked.
Akia looked around, really looked, for the first time in a while. They had made it far from the place they had appeared, near the center of town, which should’ve meant less buildings. But there was more than ever. Houses, old businesses. Granted most of them were no longer standing tall, but they were there. They were just as damaged as the houses they had first seen. She knew exactly where they were: two roads away from the bank and one road past the grocery store. It was all on the walk back to her house from the restaurant, one she had made nearly every day.
What she didn’t know was what Sam had heard. She listened, but nothing reached her ears; no footsteps or voices. Nothing.
“What exactly am I supposed to be hearing?” she asked.
Sam slapped her arm, hissing at her to be quiet “Someone is here.”
She stiffened, listening close to hear what he had. The voices were quiet and muffled, but they were there. And she knew exactly where they were coming from.
She hurried off down the street, pulling Sam along behind her. When she reached the next road, she took a turned right around the corner and sprinted towards the metal buildings. They were the only buildings in the world that hadn’t been destroyed. Metal must’ve been too much for Rhys.
She looked down each of the alleys, looking for anything suspicious. She stopped suddenly at an alleyway halfway down the road. Sam ran into her, nearly knocking her over.
“You should warn a guy before you do that,” he said. It was Akia’s turn to slap him, glaring to remind him what they were hiding from.
The voices were bouncing off of the walls, reaching her ears. One of them belonged to Rhys, the other she didn’t recognize. It seemed that Sam had recognized the voice too since he had stiffened. They looked at each other, silently communicating their plan.
Akia went first, walking as slowly and quietly as possible. If Rhys even so much as heard them, it would all be over. Her heart pounded as they moved, the walk seeming to stretch on for hours. These buildings must’ve been shop instead of houses like they looked like from the front.
A shiver ran down her spine when they reached the end of the alley, and it wasn’t just because of the cold weather. There was a large, open space in front of them that backed up to another row of buildings. The space was just as large as the area where the crater was. Akia couldn’t help but thinking that if she had spent more time out and about instead of hiding away in her room when she was younger, that she would know the area better. She would’ve been able to manipulate the situation.
Rhys was standing there in the open. He looked the same as he always did with his brown hair parted to the right and his stance strong and confident. But she noticed something different about him. He was starting to grow a beard, the disheveled stubble along his chin was rather apparent. Rhys didn’t grow beards. They weren’t neat and proper.
He was pacing back and forth, his hands clenched in fists in his pocket. And there, just behind him, kneeling on the ground with hands tied in front of him, was Seth. It was the boy alright, all his freckles, floppy black hair, and pale skin sitting right there. Akia immediately recognized him based off of the picture Phillip had gotten from his cousins. He looked absolutely terrified. She didn’t blame him. Anyone kidnapped would be rightfully so.
“Are they coming or not?” The voice didn’t belong to Rhys. It was gruff and flat, as if it didn’t really care whether these people were coming or not. Definitely not anywhere close to what Rhys talked like.
Akia looked around desperately for the owner of the voice, but all she could see was Rhys and Seth. Cautiously, she took a step forward. Despite Sam grabbing her arm, she crept closer to the opening. She didn’t want to be seen for obvious reasons, but she wanted to see what was going on. And that’s when she saw him.
He stood as still as stone, arms crossed. Despite the stance, he didn’t look intimidating. He looked comfortable, as if that was how he always stood. She couldn’t see his features because of the mask covering his face. It was based on a plain, white mask with dark green swirls trailing from the forehead to the chin. If it wasn’t so beautiful, Akia might’ve thought it was weird.
“They’ll be here,” Rhys responded, not stopping his pacing. “Just give it time.”
“Maybe they didn’t get the message,” the man suggested.
“They did.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because I know her,” Rhys snapped. He had stopped pacing and was now staring daggers at the masked man. “Even if my message hadn’t been relayed, Akia is smart enough to figure out where I am. And that boy will be trailing behind her like a lonely puppy.”
Akia heard Sam take in a quick breath beside her, but he didn’t make any moves. If he had, she wouldn’t have known what to do. With a full head of steam, Sam could fight past anyone, even his best friend.
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For the LMS contest. Word count: 2,002
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hello, Noelle! KatyaElefant here for another review! Let's see what we have right here...
I adore the imagery that you created with the sun and fog. It's overall a great effect for the readers but not only that but it has some symbolism in it. The symbolism in which the characters are going through thick and thin(fog) and yet a light still shines through the way(the hope for victory against that mean old Rhys).
Just a tiny nitpick right here but it's not quick but quickly. You need an adverb here, not an adjective. I've noticed these tiny mistakes and I think if you just put in a spell checker and checked for grammatical mistakes(it only takes 2 seconds), then you wouldn't have these simple typing errors or simple grammatical mistakes.
This seems so unlike Rhys to not see that the people that he is looking for are just hiding hiding his back. Lately, these chapters have been changing the character's characteristics and traits. Like Falyn is suddenly getting smarter and better. Akia is getting more scared and worried(unlike her confident self she used to be before). I wish that you had made all these changes more subtle. Instead of this all happening in these last few chapters, you should have had the character development spread out a little bit more. I think the character that has developed the best(in my opinion) is Falyn because I almost didn't notice the sudden change.
I'm now kind off trying to imagine the lay out of the worlds here. Are they in different parts of the worlds? Do they not have a space like we do? Is this transportation that you talk about like a worm hole thing? I need some character to talk about transportation so that I could get how the transportation works!
Keep calm and keep writing
KatyaElefant
Hey, Noelle!
Alright, so it seems like they want Sam for some reason. And for some reason, I'm sort of skeptical about Phillip. I mean, sure he's the head of the attack against Rhys, but it isn't the least bit strange he happened to send the two people Rhys wanted? (I can make predictions, even it they aren't true xD)
Geeze. Just this one part made me really on edge, especially towards the ending with everyone gathered around. This man seems pretty important, and Rhys seems intent on impressing him. Which makes me wonder so much more who he is. Even Akia can't recognize him. Why does he wear a mask all the time? Does Rhys even know his name? All these questions bubble in my head, but I guess they'll be answered soon.
So, in the beginning, I really liked the shock we were shown from Akia when she finally saw what her world was like with her own eyes, but my one issue with it is that she was warned. People like Aidan and Phillip warned her about what had happened to their world, saying it was flattened, desolate, and yes she'd still be upset, but I wish you'd mentioned that. Going back and writing in something about how hard it hit her despite what everyone had said to prepare her.
And what about Sam? We never really got to see what his reaction to all of it is. I'd bet he'd be distraught too, growing up in this world, but we never are told his expressions. How he dealt with it all. Didn't Akia kind of look at Sam for reassurance. She couldn't tell any anguish in his expression?
So transporting seems like an interesting thing, with throwing yourself everywhere, but I'm left lost on what the outlook of Vertfay is. Where is this city that they are in located? Is it the entire world? How big is the world? If this city isn't the world, is it close to the border? Did they transport straight there? How? I'm sort of left with a lot of questions concerning why they'd go there of all places.
One final nitpick ~
This is the first line if one paragraph I was pretty iffy about. It just repeated the same thig over and over again, talking about how the castle wasn't there, then buildings were there, and how the castle should stand out, but it didn't, because it wasn't there. Things like that. Maybe cut some of that down and working it in somewhere else so it doesn't stick out.
Anyways, still loving all of this! On to read more! Happy Review Day and Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
Hi Noelle!
I am sure this chapter with its four parts are going to be a breeze for me to read through! That's because things have started to heat up and I think this rescuing of Seth is going to be an important pre-battle to the main one that is going to happen the day afterwards. It looks like Sam and Akia know that they are in a tricky situation and I really wonder what they are going to do next in order to save him. I also think the mysterious man in the mask is an intriguing character and I look forward to finding out how he plays a hand in everything Rhys is up to. Because you have him there I get the impression Rhys might be redeemed from the "bad guy" status in the future and the majority of the blame might befall the mask man, but that's a prediction and I can't be sure. Once again you wrote the descriptions of the crumbling world beautifully, and I think you are doing a brilliant job at getting into the characters head and letting us see their emotions. The characters have really come to life!
At the beginning there is only two short paragraphs dedicated to what Akia thinks and feels as she goes through the transport. But the thing is, I wanted to know more about how it works and all that. It hasn't been mentioned in the novel previously if I am correct, so I think it would be a good time now to see how it works. I mean, yes, they throw themselves in the air, but does it work like a portal? Do you need to be in a particular position for it work or something? I wanted some more of an explanation.
When Sam says this it makes it seem like all she has lost is her home. And technically it is so because her family and friends are safe. But she mentions that plenty of innocent people have been killed at this time as well. And seeing as they make up her community in which she lives in, it is also part of her home! So maybe you should broaden what Sam says so it includes people Akia may have smiled at on a walk, grown up with and gone to school with. Her neighbours, the person who owns the food shop she always goes to, regular customers - all those people made up what she calls "home" as well. So make sure he doesn't disregard them. There is still plenty for Akia to mourn for.
I felt like taking all things into consideration, this was a bit out of place. For a start they are in a pretty grave and dangerous situation (which, I am not saying they can't have a bit of fun through) BUT she is also in a ruined world and was crying moments before. She's in mourning. So maybe instead of holding back laughter she should have a grim smile or something. Which would show that she finds it humorous but just doesn't have the capacity of happiness in her to show it outwardly much. Otherwise, I feel like her emotions are jumping from one side to the other too quickly.
Wait, what do you mean really looked around for the first time? Akia was supposed to be looking for any sight of Rhys and Seth, making sure they wouldn't be seen if they approached! How could she only be really looking right now? Otherwise it means she wasn't being very helpful to Sam in the search and generally wasn't paying attention at all. Which doesn't sound like Akia because she is supposed to be good at missions like this. I would think she would have been paying attention even more than Sam...
Time for those nitpicks!
That comma should really be a colon like so, ; It's the one that fits better.
I would again change the first comma here to a colon or even to a dash line like so -
Hmm... here these two sentences are one after the other, but in separate paragraphs. And I am seeing the word 'just' creep in here. Remember that it is usually a small word that doesn't add much to a scene or sentence. I think it is unimportant in the first sentence and could be removed. But for the second one it seems to be more necessary.
Typo! *all
I think you mean 'on' instead of 'one.'
I think you meant 'think' instead of thinking here.
I am going to keep reading! I am looking forward to seeing how they are going to solve this problem :3
Deanie x
Hey Noelly!
I'm also hoping we'll see some of Falyn's training! XD
Naturally, I like this chapter already, due to all the glorious emotions going around! You have Akia and Sam at their broken home. You have this tension you get from risking your life and facing a brutal force. You have Akia, also hurt from someone who used to be her best friend, who killed her home, and betrayed her, not to mention, he murdered countless people! Then you have this helpless, terrified kid in the middle of it all.
A recipe for suspense, if I've ever seen it~
You know I love it when Akia lets down her shield and shows us her weak side. She's been doing it a lot lately, and I like that. I think she's really grown to almost trust those she loves more in the space of a couple days even! Which is entirely realistic, the way I see it.
Akia heard Sam take in a quick breath beside her...
To me this sounds like a gasp, and it seems more comical for Sam to gasp at Rhys's comment... kind of like a "Oh no you did-ent!" I don't know if that makes any sense, but it just seems like he'd more likely grind his teeth, or clench his jaw or something. It's just a small thing, but that's all I could think to say. >.< You're on fire, Noelle.
So I'm excited to find out what is going to happen nest with all these emotions, and how they get Seth, if they do manage to save him!
Keep up the awesomeness!!!
-Socks
Pffft, who needs quotes when you have italics?! x.x
Hey,
I'm feeling stabby today so, I decided the best course of action was to focus on writing reviews. I guess we'll see how well this works out. Starting off I love this story so far, however I'm not sure I've gotten a chance to review it before. Which is kinda sad when you think about it. Moving on I'm going to start with nitpicks:
I noticed here you have a apostrophe after it, making it it's. I thought i'd point out that grammar wise it should just be "its"
Nothing really wrong here except you need another l in all
Well that's it for my nitpicks, Timmyjake made some pretty good points to. Anyway I love the detail in this story, and I think you do a really great job with punctuation and spelling in general. Keep up the good work!
Timmy heeere :3
I am soo sorry I didn't get to this earlier. I have been lazy with these past few days, and so am struggling to catch up once again. xD But I am here now, so I suppose I'm not a complete failure, eh? heehee Let's get this going. I think with this piece, since there is basically nothing major I can see to talk about in the beginning, I will just read through and point out stuff and talk as I go. ^.^
With many things, the reader always has something to grasp because they can relate to it. And so if you've done a poor job describing (which but rarely, if ever, happens with you), I can still envision what you're talking about. But with this, the idea is so odd, and there is no possible way I can find something to pull from a memory to fill in the blanks and make that moment seem more real. So I think you could work on that part - that sentence above and perhaps two or three before and after. The transporting just didn't seem like you told us enough for me to understand. I'm mostly just curious about the sensation Akia got when she arrived in Vertfay. And from what you did give us, I know you can deliver a wonderful description the reader can feel. c:
You mean level, right?
"was spinning" and "could feel" are very passive, and catch while reading as well as not being as strong as active voice. Those two parts would work much better as spun and felt, instead. Stronger, tighter, neater. It's something I see throughout your work in many places, and I know many authors on YWS do use quite a bit of it, passive just doesn't carry the strength and ease of flow that active voice does.
]
You say across the floor twice in this bit here. ^^ Not a big deal with redundancy, but perhaps something you want to keep an eye out for.
So this is more of a question from me than a nitpick. I don't think I'm understanding this description as you intended, and I'm not sure if it's me or not. xD When I read this, it seems as though the second floor framing still stood on the top floor... when the bottom floor wasn't there anymore. I'm not sure if I am just confused, or perhaps that spot needs a bit of spiffing up, or maybe this just needs another reader to assure you that, yest, I don't know what I'm talking about and they understand that just fine. xD
I have been reading through this piece for quite a while now, trying to take it apart and find something to say that would help without just repeating my nitpicks over and over and gushing praise. But I can't. >< There's not much here to go off of for reviewing, because it is so good. When reading this chapter of the novel, I felt as though I was riveted to the page (or screen. xD), reading through as fast as I could to know what was going on - and yet hanging onto every word. In my opinion, this is your best chapter so far in the novel - and many more wonderful chapters to continue. c:
This part of the story is so, so intense. O_o And I loved the descriptions of both the town and of Rhys. I especially liked that Rhys now had a beard, because while I don't understand why he does - and Akia said that Rhys hated them for the stated reasons - his character is changing as the book goes along. And he seems to be deteriorating. The description of the other guy? The one who I'm assuming is the unnamed guy who talked to Rhys earlier? I loved that description, because while it was a beautiful description, it also gave the character an intimidating feeling. Gosh. The descriptions in this chapter are the best I've seen from you, and the characters continue to build wonderfully - as does the story.
Will be at the next chapter soon! I need to catch up. c:
~Darth Timmyjake