Falyn
Aidan kept his word and led Falyn to her parent’s house. She had no idea where their house was, but she never imagined that it could be only two houses down from Akia’s. It would explain how Akia had gotten her parents to meet at her house.
The sun had long since set, but the lights on the porch were cutting through the night. The house was smaller than Falyn’s house back in Agathi. It was only a single story rather than two. And much unlike her old home, this one had a large backyard, one leading into an open field. She wondered how far back the property went. There seemed to be nothing passed the house until a forest quite far away. She was starting to think that there wasn’t a city in this world. How’d they get everyone together? They were all so spread out.
“Well,” Aidan started, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “Thanks for listening. I know it was a bit of a surprise—"
“A bit?”
Aidan laughed. “Okay, so it was a complete surprise. My point is that you believed me. And that means a lot to me, Falyn. I knew that coming back was going to be hard and I’m just not ready to tell Akia yet.”
Falyn shifted her stance. “You’re going to have to tell her eventually. Better to do it before she finds out from Rhys.”
“Yeah,” he said, looking back down the road. “But she’s going to hate me. Even if she understands why I did it.”
“How’d you even get involved in the first place?”
Aidan turned back to look at her, his face unreadable. “The fight for Vertfay was a lot more complicated than anyone will tell you. I made some stupid decisions that got my entire family captured. It’s not exactly something that I want to remember.
Falyn searched his eyes, trying to find his true feelings. But there was nothing there. Whatever happened to him back then, it must’ve been worse than she was imagining.
Aidan knew everything. Maybe she could get him to give her answers. “So, if I wanted to know about—"
“Fay.” She turned to see Cylene standing just outside the door, rubbing her eyes sleepily. “Why don’t you come in?”
“I think I’ll get going then,” Aidan said. Falyn wanted to stop him, to convince him to stay and tell her everything she didn’t know. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Falyn.” He held her gaze for a second longer than comfortable before turning and heading back down the road. He looked back at her once again before disappearing into his house.
Falyn sighed and followed her mother into the house. Aidan was the only person that would talk to her instead of around her. If she was going to get any answers, he would be the one to get them from. Now she was trapped within these walls with her parents, the same people that gave her away. She still couldn’t decide between supporting their decision and tearing them down. They were her parents after all; they knew how to take care of her.
When she first walked in, she was greeted by a lavish living room. The furniture was in perfect condition, the couch by the fireplace still having the plastic on the cushions. There was no dust on any surface she could see. Pictures hung on the walls and stood on small tables near the couches, although Falyn didn’t recognize any of the people in the frames. She figured that she and Mina would be in at least a few of them, but she couldn’t find any.
The living room yielded to the other rooms of the house. There was a doorway to her right and left and a hallway leading deeper into the house at the far wall. She felt at home already.
“Are you hungry?” Cylene asked, walking passed her and heading to the room on the left. “We already ate dinner but there are some leftovers. I hope you like chicken.”
Falyn followed her mother into the kitchen. The appliances were in pristine condition. She checked her reflection in the refrigerator door. Her face was twisted in a strange way and her hair looked like it was twisted atop her head. She reached a hand up to smooth it out.
Cylene was rambling on about one thing or another as she pulled out the leftover chicken. Falyn would’ve paid more attention, but she was too busy worrying over Aidan’s words. He said Rhys was coming in the morning. It wasn’t a certain time, only an assumption. But if Aidan was around Rhys for so long whatever he knew had to be the truth. Either way, they had to be ready. If Rhys didn’t attack in the morning, he’d attack soon after. He had come after them when they were still in Agathi. Why would Lightport keep him out?
What about the protection spell? She had almost forgotten about it. Phillip was the one who made the spell and from what she heard, his magic was very powerful. If he set up the spell, it would keep them safe. She had no reason to worry.
Cylene slid the plate onto the counter. Steam rose off the chicken, reaching her nose. The smell of fresh meat should’ve made her stomach grumble, as she hadn’t eaten since that morning. But it only made her feel sick. She pushed the plate away, making Cylene frown.
“You don’t like it?”
“I’m not hungry,” Falyn mumbled.
Cylene nodded and grabbed a fork. “That just means that there’s more for me.” She grinned before taking a bite. Falyn smiled, but didn’t put much feeling into it. She couldn’t think of anything but the attack that Aidan was predicting. How could she? She didn’t know many spells that would help them.
“Is everything okay?” Cylene had put down the fork. “You don’t look so good.”
Falyn shook her head. “What am I even doing here? There’s no way that I can help.”
“Aw, honey,” Cylene cooed. She made her way around the counter to wrap her arms around Falyn. “I’m so proud to have such a brave daughter like you.”
“Brave?” Falyn scoffed. “I’ve done nothing. Akia is the one that’s gotten us this far.”
“I’m not talking about now. I’m talking about the future. What you’re going to do.”
“What are you talking about?” Falyn asked, backing out of her grasp. She wanted to scream in frustration. Here was someone else that knew more about her than she did. It was getting tiresome.
There were tears welling up in Cylene’s eyes. Her lips trembled. “Let’s just spend the rest of our time together catching up, okay?”
That didn’t clear anything up. “The rest of our time? You’re gonna have to give a better explanation than that.”
“When did they say it’s going to happen?” Cylene whispered. “George was always the sneaky one. I bet that he’s keeping it a big secret. It’s already hard enough for you knowing that you’re going to die.”
Falyn’s heart stopped. The room started spinning and she had to rest her hands on the counter to keep from falling over. She stared at the surface, not understanding what she had just heard. She had heard everything Cylene said, but she didn’t want to believe it.
George was a seer; he could see the future. If he knew what was going to happen, he would know if she was going to die. It was all adding up. What she didn’t understand was why they hadn’t told her yet. Her mother knew already which meant more than just George knew. He had told more than one person. And it never crossed his mind to tell her.
“Fay? Fay, are you alright?”
She could hear her mother’s voice, but she didn’t respond. The more she thought about it, the more she understood. They were all keeping secrets from her and this was yet another one on the list. They let her into their meetings and brought her to Lightport, convincing her that she was important. Now her own mother was the one telling her that she isn’t going to be around much longer.
“I… I’m sorry. I thought you knew,” Cylene said, her words dripping with regret. “I thought that they would tell you—"
“Yeah, well they didn’t,” Falyn snapped. “Nobody has told me anything. This really wasn’t something that I wanted to find out now. If Akia had told me before we left Agathi I might’ve stayed out of it.”
“Stayed out of it? Come on, Fay, you’d never back down from a challenge.”
Falyn laughed, shaking her head. “You don’t know me, Cylene. You might be my mother, but you haven’t been around for my entire life. All for what? To protect me? Looks like that protection isn’t going to help me now.”
Cylene opened her mouth, but Falyn didn’t give her a chance to talk. She turned and ran out of the kitchen, back to the living room. From when she first came in, she knew that the bedrooms were in the back of the house. Without a look back, she rushed down the hallway, looking for a room she could hide in. The two doors to her right were both closed, but the one on the left was cracked, light pouring out into the hallway. She burst into the room and sank onto the bed, burying her head in her hands.
A bed squeaked on the other side of the room. “Do you want to talk or should I just let you cry?”
Falyn looked up to see Mina staring back at her, concern etched across her face. Her sister, the only best friend she had. Yet she didn’t want to talk to her. All she wanted was to talk to Aidan. He’d give her the answers she wanted. He’d tell her the truth. But she couldn’t run away. Not now. Mina would want to know where she was going. She didn’t want to have to explain it.
Instead, she shook her head and laid down facing the wall. With her back to Mina, there would be no more conversations. For once she would be left alone to think about it on her own.
---------------------------------------
For the LMS contest. Word count: 1,762
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Across Worlds - Chapter 35 Part 2Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Timmy here!
I'm going to go right into it~
Your sentences - lengthen them. I'm not saying using shorter sentences is a bad thing in writing. On the contrary, they can trick the reader into reading faster, make certain scenes read fasters, and much more. But most of your sentences are so short! I noticed especially in the opening paragraphs, they were so teensy and I felt as though I was being bounced over them. Longer sentences are wonderful for narration when you want the reader to read along calmly and controlled, while shorter sentences do actually make us read the piece faster - bouncing over the sentences, like in action scenes. They work wonderfully for your action scenes and other more intense scenes, but for the most part, I think it'd be an idea for you to consider longer sentences in places. More like break it up? Use both kinds of sentences - long and short. But if you mostly use the shorter sentences, the entire book will read of the fast, bouncing reading and the action scenes won't feel like they're being rushed through it, reading faster. Because it'd all read fast - too fast.
I think I've talked to you about this before, so if you disagree with what I'm saying here, you just ignore me, okay? c:
I'll be honest and avoid sugar-coating anything. I read through the descriptions of the house several times, tried to feel out the scene as much as I could... and then realized I didn't sense any feeling at all. So Falyn feels at home - wonderful, groovy. But if the reader themselves don't feel that Falyn is at home, you have accomplished nothing. You can tell us all day that she feels at home, and it'll do nothing except for try and shove into our minds something we can't see or feel. I see a beautiful house, pictures of her on the wall - but nothing inside Falyn that tells me she feels at home. Reach inside! Pull out some of those gushy feelings we know linger there.
This didn't seem like something a mother would say. >> Or at least not this one. I see Cylene as a very caring person, someone who'd also be able to sense when something is wrong. And if I could instantly sense that something was wrong with Falyn, I think she would, too, instead of saying that and then moments later seeing something. Like a delayed reaction?
... This is more a question than anything else. Is she crying or is she not? xd I'm reading through and I get that she's upset, not wanting to talk to Mina, etc., but we never know if she's actually crying? It hints at that when Mina asks her if she should just let her cry, but never tells us. And I think it'd offer more clarity to the image you're presenting. ^^
You slip into past tense here. ^^ Isn't should be wasn't. Also, you tend to use the word that a lot in your writing - too much, in my humblest of humble opinions. In most cases, it's a word you can omit from the piece without hurting it in the slightest. Remove it and nothing is missing. Here, you could take that from the sentence, and everything would be the same... only lacking a troublesome word that added nothing there.
I'm still not sure if I'm a fan of the part with Mina, and my reasons only exist because I'm not sure if I like that 1) Mina asked and then when Falyn didn't answer, she didn't pursue the question. Falyn means so, so much to her... and she does nothing but watch? I think she'd make a move to console her, and do tons more than just ask her what she wants her to do. >> Like, maybe act a bit more concerned? And, 2) Falyn doesn't want to talk with Mina? If so, I think she'd see her and leave the room. She's looking for privacy, to be alone - to hide. And Mina being there doesn't achieve that.
And I have nothing more to say here! This wasn't your best written chapter, although it definitely wasn't your worst - still one of the best. I especially loved the part where Falyn and Cylene were arguing, as it showed how Falyn felt about both the keeping of secrets and her parents suddenly showing up. You did such a wonderful job writing that. <3 AND now I'm so curious. >< What's going to happen next? I'm hoping it's like in Harry Potter, and she'll come up with something ahmazingly genius to cheat death, but I don't know.
READING ON.
~Darth Timmyjake
Hi Noelle!
Happy review day! You should be very happy because I am seeing a lot of review come pouring in for you ^.^
I have to say that this was a pretty good chapter. I am not completely sure how I feel about Falyn's reaction to the news that she is going to die, but I do like that finally the truth has been revealed to her, even if she knows it has been done by accident. I thought the immediate reaction of lashing out to her mother was very realistic and I am sure it would've happened in real life as well. And it's intriguing that the only person she really wants to deal with at the moment is Aiden. I wouldn't have guessed that this is how events would go from the beginning of this novel, but it is intriguing to see who she has ended up trusting.
However, the part of her reaction that I wasn't too sure about involved Mina. I found it to be truthful that she would turn away from her, but I find it peculiar that she thinks she has time to think and try and figure things out herself. I get the impression that isn't too true because she knows she will be going anyway due to the vision saying she would die in the end no matter what. More so I think she should be crying to come to terms with things and in a way mourn her own death. We don't really get that impression so maybe that is an idea to change it for that instead.
But otherwise, I was completely satisfied with this chapter. So time to move on to the nitpicks?
You have the repetition of the word house pretty close together, even if these are different paragraphs, it is the beginning and end of each. I would simply say Falyn sighed and followed her mother inside instead. It gives us the same meaning as before.
The 'still having' seems to not fit into the sentence. My suggestion would be to change it to read as 'the couch by the fireplace still covered in plastic.'
You get a bit repetitious here with the 'heard'. I think rephrasing it just a little bit would work. For example changing the second sentence to read as 'Everything had been processed properly, but she didn't want to believe it.'
I think you need the word 'people' after more.
That's all I have to say! I love how emotional this story is getting and how it really is revealing the other characters to us better as well. I wonder what decisions Falyn is going to make now she is acquainted with this new knowledge. I am looking forward to this next chapter ^.^
Deanie x
Happy Review Day, Noelle!
I have to say, I was really glad to hear from Falyn again! I was starting to wonder if you were going to save her point of view for the next book, or whether we'd get to see her some more. I want to see more of Zeeeke too!
So the only thing really I found a bit odd in this part, is the way Cylene acts. Granted, her two daughters she hasn't seen in like fifteen years have returned home... but still. For example:
This line seems a bit bland for a mother who's having her kids over for dinner for the first time since they could eat solid food! There's only some leftovers? They didn't make enough for everyone, and then some? At least, I'd think that they would have saved Falyn some, rather then them just happening to have leftovers... unless it was the same for Mina? Maybe the parents didn't know they'd be seeing their kids so soon?
I would also think that Cylene would say more then just 'chicken'. When my mom says what's for dinner, she'll say: "We're having saurkraut chicken!" or "I decided to make roast chicken!" or for leftovers "There's some fried chicken you can heat up". Mostly what I mean by this all is that a) there's lots of dishes of chicken so simply saying 'chicken' isn't very satisfying (
Wow. I wasn't expecting that at ALL to come from her mother! xD I like it though ( even when inside I'm going: poor Falyn!
I think since this is a really kind of emotional scene, you might want to use some harsher language then just 'much longer' but that's just my thoughts.
This was another thing I found rather cold about Cylene. Here it's like she's trying to convince her daughter that she is brave enough to let herself get killed... And it almost feels like a guilt trip. If this was how you were trying to portray Falyn's mom, then that's fine, I'm just not sure if this was the goal.
Other then that, great job! I was just thinking of just how much words you must have wrote for this novel, and I'm so proud of you! XD *runs off to do the math*
-Socks
Hey, Noelle! Finally here ~
Alright, so yes, it has been such a long time since we saw Falyn, around seven weeks because of those two monster chapters with Akia. And I really see how the view is starting to fade from Falyn. We haven't seen as much of her and I've basically forgotten all that has happened with her. So! You are aware that there needs to be better balance. Don't be afraid to chop up those monster chapters with Akia with some from Falyn, because that will only get us to read on faster to get to the good parts, see? Think about it ^^
Sorry, I have to be this guy for a minute. I totally understand starting a sentence with but or and, but have you tried just connecting them? In this particular case, it stood out to me and I paused at this moment to really think. It felt sort of disconnected, when just having it as one sentence would've made it flow. Perhaps just try it in some areas? You may like it more than you think.
Here, it left me a little confused. So, it was talking about her parents yard and her thoughts transition to this? First off, I don't understand what's trying to be said here. First no city than everyone spread out. There seems to be a loose, underlying connection, but I can't see it and I'm more confused than ever. Second, how small are these worlds? Are they like really, really tiny countries? How do these worlds work? I don't think this has been mentioned before about how these 'worlds' are connected, if they are like separate dimensions or just the name for what they call countries. Are there like rifts you have to pass through? I feel like this should be cleared up a little. But back to my original point. Are these worlds (that sound enormous) really so small that there is only enough space to see the horizon? Wouldn't there be a place Falyn can't see that there would be a city? I'm honestly really confused by this. And this is the second paragraph >.<
(Not to mention that the transition to Aiden speaking was a bit awkward. Falyn was just in her thoughts and there is no mention of being a little surprised at Aiden suddenly speaking? She just answers back.)
Another thing to mention with a huge break from Falyn, I totally forgot who Cylene was. Maybe just add in some kind of side note like, "It felt weird to call her mother..." or something of the like. Just to refresh our memory and make sure the name sticks. Well, you do mention it a paragraph later, but at the moment I was rather confused.
What also came into my mind while reading this is how come Falyn's mother seemed like she expected her to come home. She didn't bother asking about Aiden or asking where she's been. She was just, 'Oh look, here comes Falyn. Come inside!" It seems rather off that Cylene isn't more concerned than she is.
Falyn's reaction seems really strange to me. It's interesting that she's sort of starting to shut down and the like, with shutting out Mina and snapping at her mother, but the only word I can describe it all as is strange. It's sort of on the border line of really into it and emotional, but also melodramatic. The actions themselves are really strong, with her stomping away (like a teenage brat xD), but her words seem powerless. I mean, there isn't even on exclamation point! Such a simple punctuation can really strengthen those words, and then leaving all that on to the one tag 'she snapped' doesn't seem enough. Perhaps show some more emotion in the narration with fury festering inside Falyn.
Your descriptions seemed nice, but to be perfectly honest, I just kind of skimmed them as I waited for more of an interaction between Falyn and her mother. (And I've also forgotten why she didn't go with them before. Did they leave her or something? Does Falyn still remember this? Is she hurt that they went without her?)
Overall, this wasn't one of your best chapters, but interesting nonetheless. Yeah, Falyn needs a little more action and love <3
Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
An interesting part 1 to the chapter. Iv'e read a few of the chapters here, and I find the story quite interesting.
Things I like are the descriptive nature of the writing, like how "There is no dust on the pillows to be seen." Little tidbits like that show character, like how one lives, or how things are done at a business. Description means everything, and you use enough to make it nice.
The story is a bit slow, which isn't exactly bad, but, I enjoyed it all the same. The slow pace might put some people off, but that's a case by case deal.
Plotting is fine, its consistent with past chapters, so, there's really no huge problems there. As long as things are kept interesting, i'm sure it'll be well received.
While i'm not a huge fan of splitting things up into parts, i'm more of post the entire chapter, I know its different for everyone. Just keep up the work.
All in all, its a good post, I feel like it fits well in the site, and it is a nice and well written piece of literature that I could use to keep my mind off of things.