Falyn
The hallway was a lot longer than it had first looked. By the time Falyn had reached the windows at the end, it felt as though she had walked a mile. She paused at the windows, taking the time to look out.
The view was breathtaking. There was pure green grass spreading out in each direction she could see. Not far off in the distance there were many buildings, each made of wood. It was hard to decipher the true material, but it was dark enough to be wood. The buildings were spread out, only a few of them being close to each other.
No matter how hard she tried to remember, the landscape didn’t look familiar to her. She remembered the shiny, well built buildings of Agathi. None of the ones out the window looked anything like the ones back home.
She tried to look farter, past the buildings and trees, but there was nothing else to see; nothing but an empty plain stretching out until it ended at a mountain range.
She jumped at the sound of the slamming of a door. Looking back, she saw a boy step out into the hallway. He was about half her size and had black hair that sat like a mop upon his head. He was definitely not someone she knew.
It wasn’t until he started walking towards her that he looked up. He paused and studied her.
“Who are you?” he asked. “I haven’t seen you around before.”
“Where am I? What world is this?” Falyn asked desperately. She knew it wasn’t Agathi. None of the scenery outside that window was familiar to her.
He looked at her curiously. “Lightport,” he said finally. “Now could you please get out of my way? I have to go to the infirmary.”
“Lightport…” Falyn said slowly, letting the syllables roll off of her tongue. It sounded so familiar, but her mind registered no memory of the word. “Why are you going to the infirmary?”
“My friend is there,” the boy said quickly, his eyes darting back and forth from her to the empty hallway behind her. “So if you could move that would be nice.” He didn’t even wait for her to move out of the way. He simply pushed past her and headed down the hallway, the one that ran perpendicular to the one she had just come down.
In a split second decision, Falyn took off after him. She knew that the boy knew that she was following him, but he seemed to be okay with it since he didn’t stop and tell her to go back. It seemed that as long as she didn’t get in his way, everything would be fine.
At the end of the hallway was a staircase. The boy hurried down the steps, going down three flights in the same time it took Falyn to get down one. She raced after him and was able to come out on the same level he did; she could see him rushing down the hall in front of her.
The second that she stepped off of the staircase, an ominous feeling captured her. While the hallway Phillip’s room was on had doors lining the wall, this hallway had windows that looked into patients’ rooms. The rooms were empty of all furniture save for a white bed against the far wall underneath a single window. They each looked so empty, so solemn.
What other place would it be than the infirmary?
Falyn stopped in her tracks when she looked down the hall. There were two boys standing there that the boy soon joined.
“George!”
She knew which of the boys that voice belonged to. And when he looked past the boy who had led her there—his name was, what, George?—there was no mistaking those blue eyes.
“Sam,” she called out, her voice barely above a whisper. Sam stared at her a second longer before breaking into a run and wrapping her in a tight hug. Her fear and confusion melted under his touch. Everything was normal again.
“Thank God you’re okay,” Sam muttered, his voice muffled against her hair. “I was so scared that you would…” He didn’t finish the statement, but Falyn knew. He didn’t have to say anymore.
“Falyn?”
She raised her head and looked to see who the new voice belonged to. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw him.
She opened her mouth to call out to him, but she held back as her mind was flooded with the answers she had been searching for since she woke up in that bed: the scene at the market, the Hund Warrior attacking her at home, Akia, Sam, and Zeke appearing to save her, the journey to the river, pushing Akia through the wall of pellets, seeing her nearly dead, then passing out herself.
Akia. “Akia,” she choked out, moving to push past Sam. But he squeezed her tight, keeping her in her place.
“Don’t do this to yourself,” he said calmly. “It’s not your fault. You did what you had to.”
Falyn tried to stop the tears from falling, but she couldn’t. Her lip quivered for a moment before it poured down her cheeks. “I killed Akia. She’s dead. It’s all my fault.”
“Hey, hey, calm down,” Sam said, trying to console her. But every word he said didn’t seem to affect her. “Akia’s right in that room. She’s fine. Don’t work yourself up over it.”
Falyn’s eyes grew wide. She pushed Sam out of the way and rushed to the window. Pressing her hands against the material, she looked at Akia lying there on a bed, just like the people she had seen walking down the hall.
Except Akia looked a lot worse.
Her skin was completely pale and her hair was in a tangled mess. She was breathing, but only just. Every so often, Falyn would see her chest rise and fall. But there was no other movement in the girl. It was as if she was living as a dead man.
Desperately, Falyn searched for the door to the room. Her head darted from left to right, looking for the wooden barrier hiding Akia from her. But she couldn’t find one. There was nothing there.
“Let me in!” she roared, pounding her fists on the glass. The material shook beneath her hands. Soon enough it would break and she could reach her friend. “Let me in! I need to see her! I need to…” Her voice trailed off, taken over by violent sobs.
If Zeke wasn’t there to catch her, she would’ve collapsed on the spot. His arms wrapped around her comfortably, holding her in his strong grasp, stopping her attack for the moment.
She melted into his arms, burying her tear stained face into his broad chest. His heart beat fast against her cheek and she used the rhythmic pounding to steady her breathing. It was calming and soothing. She could stay like that forever.
For a moment, everything disappeared: her worries, her fear, her guilt. All she wanted to do was fall asleep in his arms and wake up to a world where everything was normal; where there were no evil boy chasing after her, no near death experiences, no coming in contact with azure pellets that gripped her brain and stole her memories. Nothing. It would just be her and Zeke to live together.
Slowly, Falyn lifted her head to look at him. Her heart pounded when she saw him looking back at her, his gaze hard. It had yet to bother her that he rarely smiled at her. Whenever they were together, his face would be plain and emotionless, but there was always something hidden in his eyes. There had to be something there. His eyes were always soft and caring, despite his demeanor. And one day he would break and tell her how he really felt. She’d wait for that day.
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For the LMS contest. Word count: 1,325
End of chapter
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137,931 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hello, Noelle! KatyaElefant here for another review! I just made a decision! Even when we have the break from the review competition, I will still review 5 reviews everyday of this novel so I can find out what happens next and so I can review the chapters if they are in the green room at any point. ANYWAYS, let's get reviewing!
WOO! You are implementing metaphors! The cheesiest kind! It felt like I walked a mile! That is one of the most original metaphors that I've ever heard! I suggest that you try this exercise that I did in Creative Writing club a couple of weeks ago. What we did was we took the beginnings of metaphors(as reliable as... or as eager as...) and then put something after it that makes sense but is out of the ordinary. Like for the phrase, as reliable as, you could say as reliable as the school's chairs. Try to think of things that are unique and out of the ordinary. You do that wonderfully with your plot so now you should do it with your imagery.
OH! Just as I wanted! There is a new guy to ship people with(if he isn't too old or young)! YESH! This is the perfect opportunity! Unless that friend at the infirmary is a girl, I'm totally going to be shipping him with someone in the near future. Oh!!!!! Falyn likes his eyes! This is sure to be good! Falyn and George... Hm... George is such a plain name though. You had all these nice and pretty names and then BOOM let's name a random character, George because why not? I mean that is the best name that I could ever think of for a character!
OH MY GOSH! Make up your mind Falyn! Who do you like more? Zeke or Sam? If you want me to, I will let you have Zeke if you just be quiet about who you like more! OKAY FALYN? (I am communicating with the characters...don't judge me...) Now that I think about it, I would like Falyn to be with Zeke, they are pretty cute. WHY DO MY SHIPS CHANGE SO OFTEN? Gosh darn it! So Sam and Akia are together and Falyn and Zeke are together!
Keep calm and keep writing
KatyaElefant
Timmy here
Instead of giving you a fifteen thousand character introduction to my review, just because it looks "kewl", I think I will just get started. Whadya think?
Let's jam. Or jelly, if you prefer. Gooood stuff. ^.^
This chapter hasn't gone far lengths yet, and we haven't gotten to any battle scenes, but you know what? It very well may be my favorite yet. I just love how everything has come to what some may call the eye of the storm. Everything is calm for the time being (as far as battle goes) and they are getting their bearings, sorting things out, and waiting for Rhys. Or so it seems, anyway.
And Falyn is trying to discover what is truly going on. But most of all, I think she is upset about Akia and the fact that she caused that to happen to her (so she thinks) and everyone is loading the praise on her instead of becoming angry as she is with herself. The thing is, she didn't do anything wrong and she didn't cause anything to happen except for save their lives. The issue with the time stop.... Okay, I will admit. That was kinda Falyn's fault, but you cannot expect someone who hasn't ever done one in a situation like that do just bam! work one out just like that. No. She is gonna need some practice and training before that.
I found her reaction with Akia just perfect for me. I loved how she at first started out kind of calm, and then she saw the bit of Akia and went into Sam's arms for comfort. And then she took a closer look at Akia, got a little bit discouraged and decided to take it out on the glass and such... and then melted into Zeke's arms. Gosh, she is getting hugs all around today, isn't she? Lucky girl.
Excweese me, Miss Noelle. But whose voice, again? You never said who had spoken, and why her heart skipped a bit (although I can only assume you meant Zeke). You just went right into the next bit with Akia and her banging on the glass/barrier between them. I think a smidgeon of information could be useful there? A bit more info, perhaps?
O.O I certainly hope that is a typo.
So I know a few (heh, everyone) already touched on this, but let me do it a little bit, too. Zalyn and Salyn. Yeaaaah, that is their name - for both of them, I mean. So with Sam and Falyn, I think you need to just either do one of two things. You need to either make it so that they are just wonderful friends and nothing, nothing is between them at all. No hint of an understanding, no crushes - nothing. Like a best friend. Like Falyn would have no problem going to Sam to confide in him and ask for advice on a guy she likes. That kind of friend. Or you could do it so that they were in love or whatever, and slowly they fall apart as they are doing now. As it goes, I didn't sense in the beginning that they were "in love" or whatever, but I did see that Falyn really fancied Sam. It was just something put into the story from the beginning, and I think a remnant of that remains in her? Still confused a little bit. I agree with Holysocks, though. A better transition from the not-sure-about-liking to the I'm-in-looooove parts would really help this situation. There isn't much to fix, really. More like either a slower transition to where she knows she likes Zeke or a very fast snap change would be best. This one seems like both of them, but at different times of the story. xD
I don't think there is anything left I can help you with. This chapter was written wonderfully, and I love the entire part with Akia. As much as I love her, I think this was an essential part of the book, and will really help build Falyn to become a stronger character.
I also think she is destined to die~Darth Timmyjake
Hey Noelle!
Well this was good. But there's really not much to say, eh? She's got her memories back, which is good. The only thing left to talk about is the Zeke/Falyn/Sam problem.
Honestly, I like Zeke a lot more than Sam... so I'm quite content with the slow shift of Falyn's emotions. However, Noelle, please don't do the love triangle thing! I'm begging you! Love triangles are so bad because writers insert them into stories to keep hormonal teenage girls flipping pages! It's not fun. I know you're probably not trying to create a love triangle ( from what I remember, you were frustrated with Falyn's whole crush on Sam ) but you really do need to care about your characters relationships. Simply throwing characters together is not a good idea because those characters actually have to have personalities that would put them in that relationship.
Sorry if I'm not making sense. I just mean that I know you're not a huge fan of romance, but if your characters are going to be falling in love you need to put a bit more effort into it; this story's romance is not very normal book-wise. I would have expected Falyn and Sam to understand their feelings a bit more, and if they had gotten together ( and you wanted a triangle thing happening ) problems would most likely arise and Falyn would fall for Zeke! That's kind of how triangles normally work. But I DO NOT think you should have a love triangle. I'm simple trying to work out what's different about this love situation of yours...
Zeke is possibly bad. So maybe that's your way of ditching love altogether in your novel? If Falyn falls for Zeke, and forgets Sam, she'll just get heart broken from Zeke and never want to love anyone else again? Just a guess. But than of course Sam will be heart broken too, and yeah, it'll be like a triangle. :/ If you are going that way, the way of the broken hearted, I just feel I should warn you that something like that can make your book really rather depressing.
Basically, all aspects of a story need attention; it doesn't matter what it is, if it needs attention it needs attention. Otherwise you'll have people getting frustrated with your story.
Other than that Noelle, this was a great piece of a chapter. Lots of emotion, and I'm glad Falyn has her memories back now. It's hard trying to guess if the person in front of her is someone she actually knows, but just forgot, or not! XD Sorry I'm still so far behind! :/
Keep up the awesomeness, Noelle!!!
-Socks
I totally understand your concern! I've actually been thinking a lot about their relationships lately and there's a lot I'm going to change when I work on my second draft. I'll definitely keep your comments in mind! You're awesome
That's good to hear. x)
Oh, thanks! But really I think you're the awesome one here. <3
AHH! How dare you put Zalyn in there?! She's supposed to be in love with Sam!! *breathes and calms down...* Sorry, I can get some serious fangirling with novels. Like, really bad:) So, I loved this chapter. It was fantastically written! I would suggest that you spread out the part where she doesn't remember anything a bit more. Or did you do that in the last chapter about Falyn? It's been too long since I read. Oh, okay, so I do think you need to get some more adjectives and action verbs in there. You don't have an overload of linking verbs, but you could tone down those and helping verbs a bit. And the adjectives. Just tell us a bit more about the rooms and such. I say that because our English teacher is having us write a short paper in which we are not allowed to use any linking verbs, and we must have so many adjectives. Like I said, I love this chapter, which is not unusual with you!!
Sorry this is sooo short, but I can't say anything else to make it better!
Hi Noelle!
This is going to be a really short review. Because what is there to say? This was a fantastic chapter!
I like how seeing Sam made everything rush back to her and suddenly everything came back. I feel like maybe she had a mind block or something because of what she did. It was also great to see what Akia looked like from someone else's point of view. Also, am I getting some romantic vibes between Falyn and Zeke? Hm... Well, I can assure you the romance was very well written here, and it was actually my favourite part of the chapter. The description of Falyn's emotions was perfectly on point, and the part about how Zeke never smiled at her. <3 Loved it!
Here the word 'windows' got repeated a bit much. How about something like 'she paused, taking the time to look outside.' We can assume she is by a window because you previously mention how many there are, so we don't actually need to know the word.
In my opinion, being seemed awkward when I read the sentence. Maybe something like 'only a few of them standing close to each other,' or so. It's easier to think of houses standing than being, if you get where I am coming from.
Also, I am a smidge bit confused as to this guy, George, who led her down to the infirmary. I don't get where he went when Falyn was getting all her memories back. Was he there to see Akia? Because if he was, then wouldn't he bring Falyn with him because he knows that she is a friend of Akia's too? And if he was going to visit someone else, then I totally lost the part where you explain him going somewhere else. Because in my mind's impression right now, only Akia is in the infirmary and George sort of disappears. This needs a little bit more of a follow through with describing. Are there other people in the room? Maybe give us a just a bit more time to first see the infirmary before Falyn recognizes Sam and rushes at him.
Otherwise, there really is nothing more for me to say. This was just too awesome for critique. I'm looking forward to the next part of this chapter ^^
Deanie x
Hello, Noelle. Wolf here for a review.
Yay! Some Zalyn action going in huh? Very exciting :3 So, I'll go straight into the critique.
It is a good chapter, much better than average, but there's a little bit to improve. First off, the descriptions in the second paragraph seem a little bland. They don't seem to flow quite right and I don't get that 'breathtaking' feel that was supposed to come. As I'm very sure you know, there is a grand difference between telling the view was breathtaking versus showing that.
Since I'm picking out things as I reread this, I do want to mention how quickly Falyn recognizes the infirmary. It seems a bit odd, since she has never been here before, how could she automatically assume that the windows lead the patient's rooms without even looking? (So what I mean by recognize the infirmary, is that she knows that theey are patient tooms when she doesnt really seem to see a patient. What in the room makes it seem like a patient's room despite the lack of funiture? Is there someone sickly pale lying on the bed?) Even little details like that make all the difference. I remember that the first time I read this, it took me a couple if rereads to understand what was trying to be said.
Who is this George person? What? They greet and then Sam walks toward Falyn and George is forgotten about. What? There cannot not be a purpose for this George, and it's kind of weird that he suddenly disappears. Unless I'm completely misunderstanding something.
So about that little Zalyn scene. It was awesome <3 Thoygh some of it was a bit peculiar to me. So, in the past, there has been a little bit of interest that Falyn has been showing Zeke in the past, but the jump seems a little sudden to me. I sort of feel like there should be some kind of 'suddenly she realized...', but otherwise I really liked it. It really transitioned smoothly into it from her desperately wanting to see Akia, to collapsing into Zeke's arms and falling in love <3 They are so cute. ZALYN 4EVAH.
Sorry, couldn't avoid the caps for this review. Anyways, I am very excited to see more, to learn more, to watch Akia die- wait what? That's my prediction xD Aidin will come, watch Akia die, then turn on Rhys by training Fayln for Akia. Happy Ending :3 Anyways, Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare
Knight r4 here to review this work, Noelleee!
I certainly hope that this helps you! Sorry it took me a couple days to get to it, but here I am at last. I need to get at least one or two more reviews in before review week is over. Did I ever tell you that you,re the best mod ever?
Unless the hallway was narrow, which you didn't say it was, the boy could have easily stepped around her, right? Also if the hallway was a really long, the boy wouldn't be up in front of her yet.I think that an ellipse, indicating a pause is in order here.
Hmm... that sounds a little bit ominous. It might not be meant to sound ominous, but Zeke has always been shadowed by slight suspicion...
I was glad to see that this chapter wasn't quite a suspenseful as the previous ones.
It better not turn into anything or else you will hear about it from me!Just kidding. But I still detest romance!Overall I thought this part was a little incomplete. There wasn't really a whole lot that took place in it in a sense, though at least we found out for certain where everyone is and that they all got reunited-ish. I thought a little bit more could have taken place in it though. (I suppose that is what you meant by tearing this chapter apart, right)? Happy writing!!!
NOTE: I am sorry for this review being so short, but there wasn't really much wrong with this.
ZAYLN 4EVAH.
What are you talking about?
Zalyn is Wolf's ship name for Falyn and Zeke. And don't worry, I hate romance as much as you do xD It won't take over the story, trust me.
Yay!