Just the sound of Rhys’s voice made her skin crawl. Her heart raced as she turned to face him. “I thought we were rid of you at your fortress?”
A spine tingling laugh escaped his lips. “Please, you should know better than that. Besides, that wasn’t my fortress. Just a tiny bunker I set up.”
“But—I thought that,” Akia stammered. “Don’t you just hang out at your fortress all day? Thought you never left that place?”
Rhys shook his head. “It’s always best to be everywhere at once. How else would I get what I want?” The corner of his lips raised in a half smile.
What Akia couldn't understand though, was why Rhys was there in the first place. He’d captured her and Falyn, then let them escape not even a day later. Now he was back. What business did he have following them?
There was a long break of silence. Then Rhys began pacing, glancing at his watch every so often. Akia watched him intently, waiting for him to make a move. He couldn’t have come just to pace and talk. She had to be ready for whatever came next. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Sam reaching for his belt. She almost forgot about the dagger that he always kept close to him.
“You told her,” Rhys said suddenly. “You told her about who she is, didn’t you?”
Akia’s look hardened. “I did.”
Rhys nodded. “And you told her of my vision. She knows what she’s heading towards. You’ve really screwed me over, haven’t you?” Akia hesitated and looked at Sam. A cruel smile crept across his face.
“You didn’t tell her did you? She has no idea?”
“We told her, okay," Sam spat. "She knows.” Rhys’s laugh echoed through the woods.
“You need to work on those lies, Samuel. I can see right passed your bluff.”
Akia shifted nervously from foot to foot. She had wanted to stay away from that conversation all together. But here they were, sharing secrets with the enemy; again. But two could play at that game. She crossed her arms and smiled to herself. If Rhys could get information out of them, there had to be a way that she could get information out of him.
“I don’t even remember what you saw,” Akia lied through her teeth. “It was five years ago. You expect me to remember that far back?”
“Has it been that long, really?” Rhys asked, not even bothering to look at her. “Well I wouldn’t expect your memory to be that good, Akia.” She glowered and clenched her hands into tight fists. One more word against her and she might just snap.
“Like I can remember something small you said five years ago.” She retorted.
“I remember,” Sam said. Akia looked at him and was surprised to see him quite as angry as she was. His face was flushed and his eyebrows were knit tight. “You stole the Seers powers. Now you think you’ve got an advantage ‘cause you can see the future.”
Rhys stopped his pacing to look at Sam. “I do have an advantage. I know what’s going to happen. I know that you guys will succeed in finding the locket. I know that it’ll end up in my control. I know that Falyn is the only one who has the powers to defeat me. And I know that she’ll die trying to stop me. Go ahead, tell me that’s not an advantage.”
“The future is never set,” Akia responded. “There’s always time to change it. Besides, your powers aren’t true Seer powers. And you don’t even know how to control them. For all you know they’re messing with you, feeding you false information. You of all people should know that some magic has a mind of its own.”
Rhys’s glare burned straight through her skin and into her soul. He had never worn a face so terrifying and cruel before. She had stepped too far, she knew it. But she had to. She wasn’t ready to believe that Rhys knew what was going to happen and that the future was set. It was never set.
Seers had the most inconsistent form of magic. The future was never completely clear. There could always be an event that could forever alter what had already been seen.
One Seer had predicted the outcome of the Four Parts war. He had given the Seers false hope that the mages would falter and give up their attack. But as the war went on, it became apparent that the vision no longer had any value or credibility.
The future had been changed many times before. Akia just hoped that this was another one of those times.
“Don’t you ever lecture me about the dangers of magic,” Rhys said, his voice low and dangerous. “I have powers you could only dream about, powers that could annihilate you in a single second. So keep pushing me, Akia, your time is coming.”
Akia grabbed Sam’s arm to hold him back. He had started towards Rhys and she knew that nothing good would come out of it. They didn’t need a fight to erupt. There wasn’t much time.
A sudden scream pierced the air. Akia immediately thought the worst. She turned to run back to the campsite, but then hesitated. Her gaze locked with Sam’s, sending him a mental SOS. They had to get back to Falyn, but they couldn't leave Rhys there unchecked. Both options seemed to be the wrong one.
“What’s wrong, Akia?” She turned to face Rhys. His hands were stuffed in his pockets and his eyebrows were raised. He was taunting her, she knew it. That’s where he made his mistake. She knew what she had to do.
“We’ll deal with you later,” she growled before grabbing Sam’s arm and dragging him back through the woods.
As they ran, Rhys’s voice bounced off the trees and reached their ears. “Go ahead, go back. You’re only going to run into more trouble.”
Akia shook her head, trying to dispel the words from her mind. She knew what Rhys was trying to do, but she wasn’t going to let him manipulate her mind. No matter what was waiting for them back at the campsite, she was going to fight it.
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For the LMS contest. Word count: 1,052
End of chapter
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137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Salutations, Noelle! Adrian is back for another review!
This time gap is actually pretty small compared to the others.This is where some description of Sam’s actions needs to come into play. Different people have different movements when lying. A majority of people look to the upper left, some stutter (I’m looking at you, Disney channel), some look down to their feet, others wring their hands, and depending on Sam’s facial structure you can see how fast his heart beats (a heart beating faster sometimes indicates that said person is lying). So what did Sam do to make Rhys know the fact that he’s lying.
(Or is Rhys bluffing as well? He didn’t know Sam very well
I don’t think, so he wouldn’t know the lying tendencies. )This is actually a refreshing change from most stories. A lot of things say that the future can never be changed, then change it. This work acknowledges that the future can be altered. (What would really be a twist if Akia actually dies and Rhys’s vision is right.
However, the placing of the Seers was off to me or something. It interrupted the dialogue a little and felt out of place. Maybe that's just me, though.
Is there some sort of mind magic going on, I mean, besides what Rhys did to Akia. Do they have a mental connection of some sort? Or did she just send him a look of desperation?
The fact that they stayed and talked to him was weird. “Hello, I am your enemy. Let us have a polite conversation where we give up valuable information. And then let me take over your mind.” It felt convenient to the plot. If anything, a mini battle would be fitting. Or something. Akia had a little inkling that something wasn't right, and it doesn't seem right that she didn't follow it and attack Rhys or something.
Okay, you have improved a lot. A whole lot. I'm literally going over every single scene in this chapter trying to find something to nitpick. I really enjoyed this and I can't wait for the next one!
What am I talking about. I can literally just click on the next one.I do hope that you keep on writing!~Adri
Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review! Let's see what we have right here...
Ahhh! Rhys trying to confuse the characters again! I adore it when he does that! I absolutely adore that! I love it when I know something that the characters don't so I can yell at them! Wooo... Oh and his sarcastic comments! They are just the best!(Notice. All my comments have been sarcastic thus far) Why did Rhys release them? I would think that it would be more easy for him to keep them captured so he can do what he wants to do to them. OOO! This back story and background knowledge about Rhys stealing powers and knowing what is going to happen is pretty interesting.
I like how the Seers aren't over powered and so their power is limited and can be faltered. I like how all the powers have some sort of weakness so that they can't be used to take over the world pretty easily. Like with stopping time, as far as I could tell, the moonstone can only do it for a certain period of time. I wonder what could happen if someone got all the powers at one time and then attacked someone. How many powers are there? That could be an interesting question to answer in the future.
I knew it! I knew that Akia would be tempted to betray them! I can just tell that Rhys is going to attempt to mind control her to betray all her friends and turn them all in to Rhys. Also, there is a chance in which Rhys may not be in full control of that mind control power so Akia might still be able to get out of the hypnosis spell.
Keep Calm and Keep Writing
~KatyaElefant
Timmy here!
So I will just review as I read along, if that’s okay?
The first thing I noticed: There didn’t seem to be much surprise with Akia realizing that this guy was there… and they had just escaped. She wasn’t expecting him there, and he’s the one she just escaped from, and she’s not surprised. And… she’s talking to him normally? Huh? That seemed rather strange. I mean, sure she is being a bit wary and Sam is reaching for a weapon, but they’re chatting like distant old friends. Okay, Sam isn’t. He spat his words, but Akia was just a little nervous and lied and just talked like they were catching up over some coffee. Not too much of strangeness there, but a little bit more of her anger and aggression towards him would be nice, I think. Especially since I always considered her to be the most violent one of the foursome, Sam included. And she seemed to be the smartest.
Theeere. I liked that part. A bit more of that kind of emotions and thoughts pertaining to her character in this scene would be nice and set the appropriate mood for Akia, I think.
Oh, dear… While this was lovely information and kind of opened my mind to some more aspects these Seers have (I don’t know why, but I keep reading it as Sears….), it just seemed in the wrong place. Like it went and totally chopped up the intense scene and angry dialogue they’re having with this guy, Rhys, so you can tell us a bit more about your story. By all means, tell us more about the Seers—we do need to know, right?—but I think you could find a better place to inform us than in the middle of an intense scene. It slowed it down and detracted from the importance and tension of the scene. Maybe you could insert some of the most important stuff into the dialogue somehow, and then put the less important stuff elsewhere, just so it flows on through? Just a thought.
Now this seemed a bit unnecessary on Akia’s part. I mean, Sam acts like he is sorta/maybe in love with Falyn—and besides, they would have both heard her scream—so they would probably be alarmed at the sound at the same time? I think so?
Well, I think that is all I could see wrong in this chapter. Like usual, you wrote it beautifully and I just love, love, love how you do your dialogue. If there is one thing I can gape about more than the rest of your writing, it’s that. Your writing’s best quality—even though your writing is absolutely superb in the first place. I really enjoy reading your characters talk, because you put so much emotion into the words.
Onto the next chapter!
~Darth Timmyjake
Heya, spam time!
But I know you were writing it down really fast those newest chapters, so I believe thats the reason!
I think this was the messy one. It just felt reading through this one like it was not thought through as much as the other chapters were. There were few point's in the chapter where it felt like this.
First, this:
"What Akia couldn't understand though, was why Rhys was there in the first place. He’d captured her and Falyn, then let them escape not even a day later. Now he was back. What business did he have following them?"
This whole thing doesn't really fit. First of all, Rhys is their enemy. How the hell could she be unsure of why was he there? She could be unsure of why he let them escape, that is right. But why was he there? I think this doesn't work.
Second:
"“But—I thought that,” Akia stammered. “Don’t you just hang out at your fortress all day? Thought you never left that place?”"
This is just not how you talk with your arch enemy, the guy who captured you and your friend and tortured you both few hours before, don't you agree? And also, it's Akia we are talking about, she is rash, but she's not stupid or blabbering when she needs to be serious. That's my feeling so far, at least.
Third: this whole thing of trying to get Rhys to tell her his vision was strange. I'm not sure why you have that in here, really. It's unlike Akia, to me again.
Last: "...sending him a mental SOS..." Ok, everyone gets what you wanted to say here, but really, you are writing a novel, try to depict it a little bit nicer!
Huh, long time I had some complaints to your work, right? This one is sloppy Noelle, sloppy!
On to the next one!
-Alchemist
Hey Noelle!
I'm sorry, but this isn't a review, again.
Once again, I don't have anything to complain about! I honestly can't see anything that I don't like!
I like this second part, but it's not too entertaining, if I'm completely honest. That's OK though, because it's just one part of the chapter, and I said I didn't have anything to review!!! O.O I like that magic has a mind of it's own! That's very creative!
Nice work!
Hi there Noelle!
Hm, it's always interesting to see Rhys pop up again. This explanation of his powers seems to be a pretty big addition to the story. I feel sorry for Akia and Sam actually, they must always feel one step behind or something, because Rhys knows the future, or what has been set so far. As Akia has said, it can change. As for you style when it comes to this chapter, you've kept up the pretty amazing style and storyline very well, which makes it hard for me to review as well xD I've also only got one nitpick as well because these chapters are so well written, and I am believing them to be read through as well. I am just going to mention the few things I have and hope it is helpful some.
I am back for the second part of course
Sam and Akia can clearly see that Rhys is there, not to attack them, otherwise he would've done so, but just to glean information. And I have to admit, Akia and Sam give up the information pretty willing. Apart from the lie that Rhys figured out was one on his own, I would've thought Sam and Akia wouldn't have answered any of his questions at all, let alone the first one. If we know Akia at all, it would be out of her character to so willingly share with the enemy. So I found it a bit iffy that they told him anything. It was just too easy for Rhys!
Ah, so Akia thinks this, but really she shouldn't be. In her mind's eye, Zeke freed them and Rhys didn't actually let them escape, but they just managed to. Maybe, when they confront Rhys, Akia would ask why he isn't going to capture them again or just take them back to the bunker. Isn't he mad they escaped? And you could have Rhys answer that he actually let them go, and that she should've thought about why it was so easy. Or maybe he will lie and say it's not in his best interest, as to keep Zeke's involvement with it all secret. Either way, this thought shouldn't be in Akia's mind.
A small thing that I want to see more of is Akia's emotions. You've got them in there, but I am not quite feeling her anger when she's angry, or the shock of hearing the scream coming for where they set up camp, or the feeling that Rhys is trying to weasel his way into her mind, and Akia is pushing against him. I just feel like there could be a deeper description of how she is feeling so the reader can just fall into her emotions and relate easily.
If you fix those three points, you're going to have a smashing chapter and many more awesome ones ahead as well. Keep up the awesome writing, Noelle ^.^ And as always, let me know when you post another chapter!
Deanie x
Hey! I'm gonna get right to the point. I have one nitpick, and that is that you said passed, instead of past. Again, I absolutely love the information you're giving. But just to warn you, I will not be happy if you kill off Falyn or even Sam or Akia. Just be warned!!:) Anyway, there's not that much to say, but I'll do my best to make this a decent review. I like the character forming that you've done with Rhys here. One thing that bothers me is that he ALWAYS seems to know EVERYTHING. I mean, yeah, he's the kind of person who thinks he always does, but everyone has a weak spot, and you have yet to show Rhys's. That's annoying. But that's pretty much my only complaint, other than that little nitpick. Your grammar and formatting is great, and I love the rest of the story. The plot right now is so fast-paced! Keep going! You're doing awesome with this.
Knight r4 here to reiew the second part of the chapter Noelle. You can tell I am interested! I certainly hope this helps!
I am a little confused. I thought Sam was a good guy. Why would he smile cruelly.Hahaha! This is hilarious. Ryhs contradicts himself here.
This is very interesting! The only problem is that this part of the chapter is completely different from the first half of the chapter. One is calm and serene with little dialogue and this one is tense with lots of dialogue. But the suspense of the transfer makes up for it.
Overall I enjoyed reading this. It is informative about the seers and all but it doesn't come in the form of an info dump, which is good. I like the direction this book is going. There seems to be a lot of action! I can't wait to see what happens to Falyn. You did an excellent job of ending the chapter in suspense again.
I thought I would say that you did a good job of editing this. At least I assume you edited it since I found almost no nit-picks. Keep up the good work and the suspense! Happy writing!!!
Ps. I am sorry for the short review but seeing you have almost no errors I didn't find anything to nit-pick...which is a good thing
Hello Noelle, Wolf is here for another review.
). Another things has me confused, why doesn't Rhys do anything aggressive towards Akia? I like that, its really unique for the villain to just talk to their victims for no apparent reason. Though, he does want Akia dead, so why not just do it himself instead of hiring someone to do it for him? Does he have some kind of plan in store? Ooohhhh...
Akia! Why must she be so hard headed! It would have been easy to just tell the vision to Falyn then and there when she was exposing everything else. Would've been also helpful for Falyn to understand more of whats expected for her. I am quite curious, though, of what this vision is, but I think I have an idea (but my assumptions have been wrong before... so.)
I have one itty-bitty thing that bothers me about Rhys. So, he calls Akia 'daughter of Kit', but no one else by that title, and I find that very strange. Even Falyn doesn't get a cool title like that, but well, she has moonstar, but still. Why does he do that? Is it because he killed Akia's father, and he just does it to taunt her? I don't understand.
Once again, a fantastic job has been done in the execution of this chapter (part, what ever
Cannot wait to see what's going on with Fayln, and what You-Know-Who is doing about it. I have a strange feeling that Zeke is behind all this (the screaming from the camp). Noooo, don't do this to me, Noelle xD. Anyways, Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Isn't my lightning quickness for reviewing amazing? I've been polishing it for review day.