The fog was coming in even faster now, filling up the space between her and the others. She had told it to stop when it reached her feet so a wall of fog climbed to the ceiling in front of her. Dorrin, Rhys and Seth vanished behind the wall of fog. Akis turned to Sam.
“Hold on to that locket with your life. Get out of the building, it’ll be clear outside.”
“Did you take all of this from outside?” He asked incredulously. He wasn’t even looking at her, the fog had his attention. She snapped her fingers in front of his face.
“Focus. Take the locket outside. I’m gonna get Seth and meet you out there.”
“Akia!” Rhys’s voice bellowed through the fog. Her heart beat faster.
“How are you gonna find him?” Sam asked.
“Trust me,” she said, throwing his words back at him. “I’ll find him.” She said it so confidently that she almost believed herself. The fog had successfully cut them off from the enemy, but it also cut them off from Seth. She’d have to fight to get him out of there. Sweat was forming on her forehead and she couldn’t stop fidgeting her fingers.
It’ll work. Get going. She told herself. Pulling Sam into a hug, she put her lips close to his ear. “Be careful. Dorrin is unpredictable. We don’t know what he can do.” Sam nodded and pulled away. After stuffing the locket back in his pocket, he dashed off into the fog.
Akia took a few breaths to calm her nerves before following him. It was a strange sensation, not knowing where you’re going. She could see a very short distance in front of her, but it didn’t make her feel any better. She was still walking blind. How was she going to find Seth in this? All she had thought about when conjuring it was breaking herself off from Dorrin and Rhys. Emotions had clouded her mind. If she had taken the time to think it out she would’ve come up with a much more effective spell.
She felt stupid as she walked, hands stretched out as far as they could go. She’d run into something eventually. Just a few moments later, she rammed into a wall. The wallpaper in front of her was different from the one that lined the dining room. It wasn’t even wallpaper, it was paint. She had reached the barrier. Seth had been just inside the barrier, she remembered. She’d make it to him in no time.
One hand on the wall, she walked towards, what she hoped was, the left side of the restaurant. When there was no more wall for her fingers to touch, she stopped. She had two options: keep walking and hope to reach the other side of the opening or find out exactly where Seth was. Both were equally as dangerous as she could lose her way or alert them to her whereabouts, but she had to do something. She had to take the risk. She called out Seth’s name.
There was no response. She waited. And then she heard him.
“I’m here!” he called out, his voice not too far from where she was. She started off again, taking care to walk straight until she could reach the other side of the barrier. The second her hand rested on it, someone gripped her wrist. She tried to pull away, but they held tight. With a single yank, the person stumbled forward right into her. It was Seth. She sighed with relief as she caught him.
“Don’t scare me like that,” she snapped. “Come on, we have to get out of here. Just follow me and don’t stop.” She turned and started through the archway towards the front of the restaurant, but she was held back when Seth didn’t move. “What the hell, Seth? Don’t you want to get out of here?”
“He’s got me,” Seth cried. “Get him off me!” Akia didn’t know which man Seth was talking about, but it didn’t take her long to find out.
“You’re not taking him until I get that locket,” Rhys growled. “Let go of him and get rid of this stupid fog. I’m about to—"
Akia shut his voice out and closed her eyes. Focusing on the area behind Seth, she conjured thought of buzzing bugs and terrible hot nights. She could almost smell the sweat dripping down Rhys’s neck, a very unpleasant smell, and see him swatting desperately at the wave of bees bearing down on him. And then she really did hear the buzzing. She snapped her eyes open. The spell was done.
When Rhys’s grip slackened on Seth, she pulled Seth along the wall and through the archway. All the time spent at the restaurant had burned a map into her subconscious. She didn’t need her sight to know where she was going.
“That enough!” Dorrin roared through the fog. It disappeared in a second. Her vision was clear and she saw they weren’t far from the door. Sam was standing there waiting for them. She wanted to look back to see what had happened, but she knew she couldn’t risk it. She sprinted out of the building and right into Sam’s arms.
“We don’t have much time,” Sam whispered, looking over her shoulder. Seth was standing next to them, looking back at the building. He rocked from one foot to the other. “There’s no time to teach him how to transport. We’ll have to do it for him. Dorrin doesn’t look all too pleased. The sooner the better.”
She couldn’t help it. Curiosity washed over her and she turned to look back. Dorrin was staring her down while Rhys swatted at the bees still attacking him. Dorrin snapped his fingers and the bees disappeared. Her jaw dropped when she saw that Rhys was unharmed. All in one spell, Dorrin was able to get rid of the bees and heal any wounds. Whatever his magic was, it was more than she could hope to contest. They had to get out.
“Come on,” she said, holding out her hands to the boys. Sam took one while Seth tentatively held the other. She closed her eyes, focusing on Headquarters. The big metal building filled her mind, becoming more real by the second. She felt Sam’s mind connect – she knew it well – but she didn’t feel Seth’s. Concentrating, she pushed the image toward him. She felt his mind, but it was weak. She felt his confusion, his nervousness, his… fear; utter, terrifying fear. The feeling snaked its way into her mind and clouded the vision of Headquarters. Her eyes flew open and she cried out in frustration. But she stopped when she realized what Seth was so terrified of.
The ground was shaking. Akia had never experienced an earthquake before, but she knew that this was what it felt like. Her legs shook and she could barely keep her balance. She gave in and dropped to the ground. Her eyes darted to what was left of the buildings around her. Already splintered pieces came raining down. Some of the less stable walls fell. It was like watching her life crumble to the ground. Again.
She stared down Dorrin trying to figure out how he did it. She didn’t know the spell he was using. Magicians couldn’t control the ground. They could manipulate things around them, but not the actual rocks beneath them.
Sam cried out her name. She turned to see him backing away from them, his eyes locked on the ground. She saw it too, the ground disappearing. It looked like it was eating itself, toppling beneath the surface. It wasn’t too wide, but it kept growing longer by the second. She watched as it stretched down a block in both directions.
She turned back to face Dorrin. She had to do something fast. If only she could get him to lose focus, to stop the spell. There was only one way that she knew of to do that. She had never done the spell before and she hadn’t planned on it. There was a first time for everything.
She channeled the pain of the spell: limbs on fire, splintering bones, nails to the head. It seemed like the place to start. The spell wasn’t anything that they taught in school or during training. She had no idea what would happen if she did it wrong. Fire, snapping bones, nails; she gathered it all in her mind until it was too much for her to handle. It was overwhelming her. The pain was spreading through her mind, threatening to move to her own bones. Was this always what it was like to cast a torture spell? It took longer than she liked, but Dorrin’s image popped into her mind. Akia saw him lying on the ground, screaming.
The ground suddenly stopped shaking, the world was silent, the fog unmoving. And then the screams started, making her cringe. She remembered all too well what it felt like to have the spell used on her. All she could think about were the times when she had been under the spell. It wasn’t anything she wanted to remember.
She couldn’t catch her breath. Each gasp she took was just as difficult as the last. Her chest was tight, her throat dry. She had just used a torture spell, a spell used to purposefully harm someone and cause them pain. That wasn’t her. No matter who Dorrin was, she wouldn’t have ever wished for him to feel that kind of pain. Yet there she was, watching him suffer.
She turned away quickly, not wanting to watch anymore. The ground had stopped shaking, but the ground was still open. For some reason, she had hoped the ground would close again. Of course it wouldn’t have worked that way. Stopping the spell was possible; reversing its effect was a monster all its own.
“Seth, we need to jump over to where Sam is,” she said.
The boy looked at her in horror. “What?”
“Jump over to the other side,” she repeated, saying each word deliberately. “We can’t transport unless we’re together. Look, it’s not that far across, just looks like it. We can make it. On three.” Seth nodded, nerves dominating his expression. Akia felt just as nervous as he looked. There was a chance they wouldn’t make it across, she knew that. But they had to get across. So they would make it.
She took a deep breath as she grabbed Seth’s hand. She started counting, “One… two… three!” She took of running, but something wrapped around her ankle and she fell to the ground. She looked back to see a rope attached to her. Raising her gaze slightly, she saw Rhys holding the other end. Of course it was him. Seth’s hand slipped from hers and she watched Seth leap through the air. She held her breath, but didn’t need to worry much as he landed safely beside Sam. They both looked at her expectedly.
“Go!” she yelled. “Just go! I’ll get back by myself.”
“Stop them!” Dorrin yelled from behind him. When had he recovered from the spell? His screams had stopped, obviously, but she didn’t remember hearing him go silent. She really had to start paying more attention.
By the time the words were out of Dorrin’s mouth, the boys were gone. Akia grinned. The locket and Seth had made it back safely. Now she just had to get herself home. But first she had to deal with Dorrin and Rhys.
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Hello, Noelle! KatyaElefant here for another review! Let's see what we have right here...
How thick is this fog? I wish you had explained that a little bit better. If the fog had been as thick as I imagined it, Akia wouldn't have been able to hug anybody. Then she can't even really see Rhys who probably isn't that far away. This fog does not want to follow logic at all apparently. Also, wouldn't that hug be awkward and they'd accidentally hug each other incorrectly. Just, I don't think the fog's thickness is consistent in this part right here.
I can't help but think of how Rhys and Seth are fighting over Seth like two children fighting over a toy. It's a messed up thought but the way that you described it really can be compared to that. Also it can be compared to two dogs fighting over a single piece of meat. With them grabbing onto Seth with all their might and just pulling him to one side.
So at the beginning, Akia had no idea where she as going and now she suddenly has a map of the restaurant in her mind? This is very inconsistent. You need to either have Akia know the place or not know the place. Also, I would think that four years is too long of a time to remember the place. Like I have been gone from my old house for only a year and if I went in there blindly, I would not know where I'm going(even though I've lived there for 13 years).
Akia seems to be taking over the story but I really like that. It's out of the ordinary for a side line character to become the main character. Things that are out of the ordinary and unique in writing are always fun to read. I personally think that doing that adds a little sparkle to the novel you've been writing.
Keep calm and keep writing
KatyaElefant
Hey, Noelle!
Why must you leave us with this now? ;-; Well, I was obviously very wrong about Dorrin not being powerful. Very. Very. Very wrong. It's really intriguing actually, seeing this all at work, and it was all so written out, I didn't pause to make comments, because there wasn't anything pulling me from the story.
One thing that I'm sort of curious about is how you call summoning the magic as a spell. It seems interesting that they are called that since they aren't ever saying anything. It's always more about what they at feeling, pouring their emotions and physical touch and feelings into this one thought and shoving it into the outside world.
And another interesting thing is that these are taught. Akia specifically says that the torture spell is never actually taught, but how do you teach this kind of thing? How do you teach to think and release? There isn't some kind of memorization to this at all and there doesn't seem to be a way you can teach this. Just practice, practice, practice.
Now that we're about 34 chapters in, I am quite curious as to why they never bothered to reach Falyn anything along the trip. She almost once did a successful, voluntary time stop, but that's about it. Can she summon wind? Attack people with her spells? Back to the point that Aidan tried to make about finding Rhys just doesn't seem like it would work.
The timeline here seems interesting. I'm wondering how the two perspectives line up, because I don't believe this is in chronological order. For Akia is just turned night when with Falyn talking with Aidan the night had already completely fallen and Falyn was even tired. I really want to know how it's finally going to come together again.
Otherwise, I really loved this part. Seeing Dorrin in action seems super great! And then finally seeing the process behind all the spells in Akia's head. And I like how you showed us some things limiting magicians. Akia mentioned something about normally not being able to mess with the ground? Then what's up with Dorrin o.o Anyways, you better post that next chapter soon, missy!! Happy Review Day and Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
Hey Noelle! :3
This is so exciting! It feels like we're so close now!! I actually found this part quite emotional. When the earthquake started, and Sam got separated from Akia and Seth, I had to push down my fears that Sam was going to be separated from them forever. And now Akia being separated from them, I'm having the same problem!
I figured there wouldn't be much to critique, so I collected a couple typos. :3 There's just an 'S' instead of a 'A' in Akia's name. :3
That's* :3
This feels a bit... awkward? I think it might flow a little better if you switch the two sentences around. Though that's just a stylistic nitpick, it's not a big deal.
I think that the 'any' doesn't quite work there. Unless, perhaps if you put 'any possible' then it might feel a bit better. Up to you though!
So I was thinking about your novel as a whole, and I was remembering how you started. I may have said this before, but in the books I've read where they switch from character POV's, there's still a main MC who's kind of running the show almost- like it's their POV above everyone else's...? Maybe that's not the case, but it feels like that main MC is Akia. Though the first chapter started off from Falyn's POV, and I think that the first chapter is normally reserved for the main MC. Though at one time I think that you were having Falyn as the main MC, I think that kind of changed, and I just thought I'd mention for when you're editing in the future, that you might want to start off with Akia's POV? I'm not sure though. Just a suggestion.
The other thing that I thought I'd say, is kind of a 'this is what I thought when I read it' thing. XD When I was reading the part were Akia finds Seth, and he won't come at first, I thought that it was Rhys pretending to be Seth, and was surprised when it really was Seth! XD
Anyway, keep it up Noelle!!! You're sooo close!!!
-Socks
Yeah, I totally meant for Falyn to be the MC. Then Akia barged in and took over the entire story xD In the second draft I'm starting out with Akia and she'll be the MC.
Ah, okay. XD
Hi Noelle!
I am all caught up! Yes! *dances* *celebrates*
Reading this chapter was almost like a mini revelation. [I]That's[I] what transporting is! I am sure they have done that before in this novel, I just didn't know it was referred to as transport. Make sure you connect the dots earlier for us so we can understand what you mean earlier! I also didn't know it was something that needed to be taught - but now it makes sense. Everything I had been puzzled about before got explained. It looks like here Akia reaches a personal milestone by being able to throw that spell at Dorrin, and we get to see her magic play into things a bit. I do see her as a pretty strong magician, even if it does take a while for her to pull up on her magic. Regardless, it is evident to see that Dorrin is doubtless stronger than her and I am so curious to know where he comes from or draws his powers from. I wonder how Rhys came across him as well... Oh well, I will have to wait until you post more chapters for that!
I felt like the battle that went on here was a bit... feeble? It didn't seem particularly dangerous or life threatening to me, but sort of childish. The fog was alright, but then there were the bees and the earth cracking and I don't know why, but I felt like the attacks should've been a bit more mature in a way and more lethal. Or at least, it needed to come across as more lethal. I am sure hundreds of bees stinging you repeatedly isn't childs play, but we don't get to see the injured Rhys before Dorrin heals him. There are two things yuo could do here. One, change the battle so it seems a bit more grown up and a bit more scary. Add in more of the suspense here and drop the tug of war between Seth and all of that stuff. Make it more on edge for us readers. Or two, make us see the injured and hurt Rhys in a lot of detail when the fog clears and he is dealing with the bees. I am sure his skin can't look nice. Show us buildings toppling away and falling into the cracks made from the earthquake, disappearing into the unknown. Show us the more darker and drastic aspects of what is happening so we readers can feel more afraid and some more of the suspense!
At the beginning of this chapter, when she is in the fog, Akia says she is lost and disorientated. She ends up using the wall as support to know her way around. But then later on you mention that she knows the restaurant so well she can go about it with her eyes closed, and intends to lead Seth out. But those two things contradict each other, so make sure you alter one of them.
Would they really look at her expectedly in this situation? She is sprawled on the floor, caught and trapped on the other side of the crack. What I think should happen is that they should be looking at her with horror instead of expectance. Do they expect her to get up and simply try again and arrive without being stopped? Not likely, guys. So act like the situation she is now in is a bit more dangerous!
I wondered as well, does using such a powerful spell like a torture spell take any toll on Akia at all? Instead of just questioning the morals and values of herself by using it. I'm not saying you have to do this, but in most stories the bigger and harder spells use up energy. I feel like there should be some compensation for the magic being used because if there isn't, they could basically be using it left, right, center and all the time without a care to the wind. Having a limit to things makes it more precious as well as the timing of when you use it critical. So maybe you need to make a flaw in magic, some idea that using it up and using it a lot makes something else happen in reflection of that.
I felt like Sam and Seth leaving her behind was all too quick! I mean, I know that Sam would be able to see sense and know it would be worth getting Seth out because he is vulnerable and innocent now, and he also needs to preserve the locket. That aside, Akia is his friend, and he knows he is leaving her in the harmful hands of Rhys, and also a man who might be a lot more trouble than they know. So I feel like we should either get to see a moment of hesitation from him before he leaves his friend behind (causing Akia to yell at him to leave all the more) or see his face expression right before he vanishes. Is he looking anguished, guilty, sad, determined or what? I want to be shown more of his emotions when it comes to deserting Akia.
Nitpick time!
*Akia. Also, in this paragraph there is a lot of repetition of the word fog. Try and look up some synonyms you can use so it isn't the same word all the time, like mist or so. And also try and use the word less in general, and refer to the fog as 'it' in some places.
The last two commas in this sentence aren't needed. Only the first one is necessary!
I think you mean to start this sentence with 'that's'.
Hm, here you have a lot of repetition of the word 'ground' as well. The second use of the word can be replaced with 'it' instead, and then that should be enough changes. Also, when she says 'for some reason she hoped the ground would close' I couldn't help wonder why you had the for some reason there? Of course she knows the reason why she hoped it would close again! It was scary and dangerous, and it would be easier to escape with the ground in one piece. So I felt like those words were out of place.
I think you meant 'off'.
I am looking forward to the next chapter you are going to post! Make sure you keep writing, and let me know
Deanie x
Awesome
Very good