A/N: I went over with my word count a bit this week. I apologize for the length. But I couldn't trim it down and there isn't a good place to break it into two parts.
Falyn
They all sat around a fire, as the sun had fallen since the escape, passing along a loaf of bread. It was all they could get for food. While Zeke ran off to save Akia and Falyn, Mina and Sam had returned to the city. They made it to the Market, but only had enough money for a loaf of bread.
“You could’ve just taken something,” Akia said to Sam, her mouth full of bread.
“I don’t steal.”
“Come off it. I remember that one time during training—”
“Hey,” Sam snapped, the corners of his lips turned up in a tiny smile. “You promised to not bring that up again.”
“I did no such thing.” But Akia didn’t continue the conversation. Falyn could see a tiny grin spread across her lips. There was most definitely a story there.
“Hang on,” Akia said suddenly. “Why didn’t you come get us?”
Sam shrugged. “We didn’t know where you’d gone. But Zeke said he did. He led us there, to that large bunker. We were trying to form a plan, but Zeke said he knew what to do and ran off before we could do anything. So we went back into town.”
“You trusted him to that?!”
“Yes.”
Akia looked at him like he was crazy.
“What else were we supposed to do,” Sam said, exasperated. “We’d probably die if we went in there. I’d rather believe that Zeke knew what he was doing than to leave you there.”
Akia seemed to be okay with that. She was still glaring at Zeke, but she no longer looked like she wanted to kill everyone. Eventually her face relaxed and she went back to chatting with Sam.
Falyn turned her attention to Zeke. He was sitting in the grass, leaning against a tree. There was nothing in his face that showed that he was guilty of anything. Maybe he really wasn’t as bad off as Akia thought he was.
Falyn looked back at the flames. She watched them shake and flicker, sending sparks into the air. They continued higher until they couldn’t last any longer, then disappeared without a trace.
It reminded her of the time she had spent as a prisoner. She had been like the fire, flickering, shaking violently. And all she had wanted to do was disappear.
Akia passed the bread to her, but she didn’t take any of it.
“You need to eat,” Akia said. “Those torture spells take a lot out of you.”
“I’m not hungry,” Falyn snapped. In reality she was starving; the pangs in her stomach were unbearable. But she couldn’t bring herself to eat. Any food that could make its way to her stomach would probably just come right back up again.
Ever since they had escaped she had been thinking about what that man had said. It was nagging at her mind, demanding all of her time. She had more powers than just the ones mages had. How was that even possible? The only thing she had learned at school was magic; general magic. She couldn’t see the future or change into other people. That was an entirely different branch of magic.
“Akia, I think it’s time,” Sam said. Falyn looked up at him. She met his gaze, blushed furiously and lowered her head again.
“You’ve kept this a secret for too long,” he continued. “She needs to know. Now.”
Falyn snuck a look at Sam. After realizing he wasn’t looking at her anymore, she looked up. He and Akia were staring at each other, their faces oozing with stubbornness. Akia eventually backed down and sighed.
“Fine, I’ll tell her. But I still think it would be better if we wait ‘til we get to Lightport. It’s safer there.”
Sam rolled his eyes. “Just tell her.”
Akia had a sour look on her face as she started the story. “You’re special.” She scoffed and rolled her eyes. “What am I saying, of course you’re special. You know that already. There’s a code name we have for you: the moonstar.”
“You started way too late,” Sam pointed out. “Start from the beginning.”
“What’s the beginning anymore?” Akia shouted, clearly exasperated. Falyn could tell that she wasn’t too fond about talking about everything. “I don’t even really remember when we got into this damn business in the first place.”
Sam placed his hand gingerly on Akia’s shoulder. “Start with where she’s from. Tell here about all she escaped.”
Akia took a deep breath and closed her eyes. When she opened them, she looked Falyn directly in the eye. “You’re from a world called Vertfay.”
“Vertfay…” Falyn let the name roll off of her tongue. “I don’t remember a place like that.”
Akia sighed. “It’s not really something you’d remember. You were really young when this all happened.
“The leader of Vertfay at the time, Phillip, whom we’ll meet when we get back to Lightport, knew that you were special. He had kept an eye on your parents since they were of two different kinds.”
“Two different kinds,” Falyn repeated. “What does that even mean?”
“Your mom was a magician and your dad was a shapeshifter,” Akia explained. “Powers had never mixed before. No one knew what the outcome would be. So when you were born, they kept good watch over you. Everyone knew that greater powers meant greater risk.”
“Wait,” Falyn said, holding her hands up. “Magicians?”
Akia sighed. “A magician is like a mage. You’re a mage, yes? How do you perform magic?”
Falyn hesitated. “Is this a trick question?”
“Just answer it.”
“By instinct,” she responded. “It’s not really something you can learn. You gotta be born with it. The energy takes the form of a certain color and heads toward whatever you’re aiming at.”
“Exactly. Magicians are a bit different.” Akia held up both of her hands, palms out, and pushed against the air. The fire in front of them flickered, nearly disappearing. But it soon caught again and continued to burn. “We think about what we need to do. That’s where our energy comes from.”
“You’re a magician then? Sam too?” Akia nodded. Falyn looked at them in surprise. “And you just think of something and it happens?”
“Well, it’s not that easy,” Sam chimed in. “You must think of the right thing. See, Akia thought about the sea wind. So she produced air thick enough to bother the flames. And if I think of different flowers…”
He waved his hand over the ground and half a dozen flowers appeared. Falyn watched in amazement as roses and tulips sprouted from the ground. They just appeared; no light, no visible energy.
“How is that even possible?” she asked. “No energy?”
Akia waved her hand dismissively. “You don’t need energy anymore.”
“But that’s not what they taught us—”
“Forget everything you learned in school,” Akia said, cutting her off. “Magicians were once mages. They used magic just like you. Just before the Four Parts war began, they left to start a new world: Vertfay. That’s when they found out their magic could develop into something much more.
“There were two dozen mages who made the trip. They started from nothing. Once they built the world, they started playing around with magic. That’s when they realized it could be done without energy, therefore creating sneakier spells.”
“But what does this all have to do with me?” Falyn asked.
“Rhys. Rhys has to do with it.” Zeke interjected. Akia gave him a murderous look. “What? Am I not allowed to add to the story? I know enough about it all.”
“Wait, who’s Rhys?”
“The guy who captured you,” Zeke responded in a dry, bored voice. Falyn gaped.
“Him? He looked like he’s Sam’s age!”
Zeke nodded. “And my age and Akia’s age as well. When he was nineteen he found an elixir of life.”
“The elixir of life?” Falyn asked.
“No, I said an elixir of life,” he responded. “There are many of them. The one he drank keeps him forever at the age of nineteen. His soul grows on, but he remains nineteen.”
Falyn wanted to hear more, but that’s all he had to say on the subject. Right when she was going to pry for more information, Akia snapped that he better not interrupt again.
Falyn still didn’t understand what Akia had against Zeke. He hadn’t done anything to harm them. Falyn was ready to give him the benefit of the doubt. He had saved her and Akia at the bunker. He had led them back to safety. He hadn’t done anything to hurt them.
Akia was just jealous. She didn’t like that he was threatening her leadership.
“Yes, Rhys is the next part of the story,” Akia said. “Rhys was once a mage living peacefully in Agathi. He studied magic and he even applied to be a part of the Othir. He had everything going for him.
“One day he got to experimenting. He always thought that there was a way that he could make the mages more powerful. The magic wasn’t enough for him.
“There was an experiment that went terribly wrong. He ended up discovering a type of dark magic, one that spread like wild fire. It skipped from house to house, swallowing those who were left inside. That one spell killed half of the city's population. It was a terrible epidemic.”
Falyn racked her brain, but she couldn’t remember reading anything like that in her textbooks. “I don’t remember reading about that.”
Sam chuckled. “The mages who wrote the textbooks like to forget about that day. They’d rather live the rest of their lives in ignorance. None of it was recorded in any form of writing anywhere. It’s as if it never happened.”
Falyn looked at him in shock. “You mean, everyone just forgot about the people who died that day? That’s totally unfair.”
“Isn’t it?” Akia said it in such a small voice that Falyn actually felt bad for her. Here she was under the impression that Akia was this tough girl who barely had a heart. But it seemed that she could actually be quite tender at times.
“So they took away his powers,” Akia continued. “There was no drop of magic left in his veins. And of course, he wasn’t going to be okay with that. He went into hiding for a few years, refusing to draw attention to himself. No one knew where he was. He was an outcast, a criminal.
“But one day he came back, rambling on about a spell that could rip the powers out of anyone. And he claimed he could contain them in a locket. As you can imagine, everyone laughed in his face. A locket? Draining powers? It all sounded ridiculous. But sure enough, he proved everyone wrong.”
Akia paused. “That’s when all of this started. Rhys’s first target was Vertfay of course. That was the world that did him wrong after all. You and your family were evacuated just before the attack. Luckily we were able to fight him off, send him out into the ‘great unknown’ or whatever they thought was out there. What these idiots didn’t realize was that there were other world out there.
“So naturally, Rhys used his powers to invade and wipe out the other worlds. And that’s where we are now. Our job is to find the locket and give the power back to those whom it was taken from in the first place.”
“Do you know where this locket is?” Falyn asked.
“No idea.”
And so the story ended. The group sat in silence as they all stared at the dwindling fire. Akia and Sam’s faces were illuminated in the soft glow. They were looking at each other, some sort of silent conversation passing between them. Unless they just liked staring at each other. Either way, Falyn wasn’t all that happy about it.
She directed her attention to Zeke. The firelight flickered against his perfect tan skin, making her heart leap. She ignored the feeling and walked over to join him.
He barely moved as she sat down. Looking over, she studied him. He had a few holes in the side of his shirt and there were tiny scrapes visible; no doubt an injury from the escape.
His face was illuminated in the firelight, showing off his soft hazel eyes. Falyn found herself entranced by their beauty, hypnotized by how illuminated they were.
“Can I help you?” Zeke said suddenly. Falyn jumped at the sound of his voice. He didn’t take his eyes off of the fire. “If I wanted to be stared at I’d be in a museum.”
“I—I’m sorry,” Falyn stuttered. “I just didn’t get to thank you for breaking us out of that terrible place.”
“Akia would’ve had my head if I didn’t get you out of there.”
Falyn nodded and turned her attention back to the fire. She had had some hope in Zeke, that he had actually come to save them because he cared. She couldn’t have been more wrong.
Two can play at that game. If he didn’t care, she wouldn’t either.
She pushed herself up and made her way around the fire. But just as she took her first step, Zeke reached out and grabbed her hand. She spun to face him. He was looking at her with a soft expression, one she had never seen before.
“I didn’t save you for my own selfish reasons,” he said. She’d never heard his voice so sincere. “I just wanted to let you know that.” With that he let go of her hand.
She walked away in a daze. She wasn’t entirely sure what had just happened, but she was sure that he was warming up to her.
Falyn turned to look back at him. The firelight was still flickering gently against his face.
She shook her head and looked forward. She refused to think of him like that. Zeke wasn’t that kind of guy, it was obvious. And she wasn’t going to get caught up in it
But no matter how hard she tried to forget, she couldn’t help but cling her hand close to her chest, the same one Zeke had held for those brief minutes.
----------------------------------
For the LMS contest. Word count: 2,370
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Across Worlds - Chapter 14 Part 1Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,334 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
Hey, Noelle! Adrian is back for another review in a timely manner. (I mean, within a week? That has to be some sort of record.)
"But no matter how hard she tried to forget, she couldn’t help but cling her hand close to her chest, the same one Zeke had held for those brief minutes." She totally likes him, and she probably won't admit it for a while. But we all know it.
This chapter is good. There's a lot of character interaction, some foreshadowing, back story, and there's a small break from all the action the reader just experienced. It was interesting enough to keep the reader reading, but slow enough so we didn't feel out of breath. Placed exactly where it needs to be.
From reading this, I can already guess at the ships. Akia/Sam and Falyn/Zeke? Because Falyn/Zeke was hinted at heavily.
What I'm curious about is, how did Akia and Sam get all that information about Falyn? She's the moonstar, and all special. Were there groups of people trained to protect her or something like that? I can imagine Phillip (whoever he is) sitting Akia and Sam down, "Now, kids, this is the moonstar's back story. If you ever happen to meet her, tell her about this. She doesn't know anything about herself."
She only questions magicians? So, she knows her father is a shapeshifter? (Or did Falyn just forget to ask about that because she was caught up in looking at Zeke's face.
Can you be a dragon?So no one knows where this locket is? I’m assuming they will all go on this big adventure for it later on. Perhaps, the gang will go across worlds searching for it.
That’s a huge event. Like, a really huge event. If several people were killed, surely somebody has to talk about it or write it down. The friends and family of the people who had been killed have to had felt some kind of injustice or something. (This makes me wonder about the publishing industry in where your characters live. Can only a few people be writers? Is there a form of social media or something like that? Because the records of that event have to be somewhere. Or else how could Akia and Sam be talking about it?)
I do hope that you will keep on writing!
~Adrian
Hello, KatyaElefant here for another review! Let us see what we have right here...
) GOSH DARN IT! I love all this confusing romance thing that is hidden in the background of this amazing story.
So I'm kind off confused on where they got the money. Did they just happen to have it in their pockets or did they find it? Also why didn't one of the other characters steal something even though Sam didn't want to? Or was he the only one that went to the market? I really wish you specified who they(went to the market) was. That would help clarify a lot of things. I also wish I could have seen this market because it could show the magical feel or classes or just show some of the culture there. Markets in different places are very different. Like a market in Spain may be different than one in a country in the Middle East or Russia. It just shows their security standards or whether there are people who scam a lot. How did they get away from the market without getting noticed? There are a lot of plot holes from skipping the scene with the market. You could have had something interesting that changes the plot happen there.
Hm... I wonder what that back story is for Sam stealing something... Will this story haunt him in the future? Will it show something later? Is it a mystery that will never be solved?
I do like the imagery in this chapter. Especially with the fire and the metaphor of it flickering. Very artistic and inspiring. Fire is the thing that caused creativity for human beings(according to some scientist) but it is also the despair and terror for them. Great usage of fire here.
What is general magic? Could you specify what this is? Is it just lifting stuff or what? I really wish you had more details in some of these topics because you could help me know Fayln's skills and maybe how they could be used in the future(you never know). Will she learn more skills along the journey? Hm... I hope so or she will not know how to defend herself at all.
OHHHHHHHHH! Zeke! I think he may be either flirting with Falyn or he is acting like a father to her. You can never be too careful. This whole love web thingy is all confusing me. It should stay the way I said it should be. Zeke should be forever alone. Falyn and her friend(what ever her name is) should be together. Then Akia and Sam would be the best. Quit making me confused(though that's what writers are supposed to do
Keep clam(so you can eat it) and keep righting(to the left)
KatyaElefant
Timmy here!
I think I shall review this piece as I go, giving you my comments on story and whatnot.
Let’s get started.
One thing in particular I love about your style is the dialogue. A lot of writers (including myself, I am sorry to say) have a hard time coming out with realistic dialogue. Where everything the character says is completely them and everything just reads the way it’s supposed to. With you, I get that feeling. I read through, and everything your character says seems to build them because they’re saying exactly what I would think they’d say. You basically keep them in character with dialogue, and not just actions and thoughts, so that is a big yayyy! And I love how it reads… so smooth and effortless. I could read your dialogue all day, and each character is so unique, I could read almost read it devoid of taglines and not feel lost in it all. So amazing job with that. I really enjoy that.
There was this mean mentor that slapped me for doing this. If there is one thing people have drilled into me, time and time again without fail, is that you cannot use double punctuation marks to make something seem like yelling – or whatever you want to do. What you do is simple: When you’re writing the piece, and you come across a place where the character is asking a question and yelling it, you can either insert a tagline saying the character shouted or whatnot, or leave the punctuation as a question mark, or you can mark the question with an exclamation mark… Since you already have a beginning to the question (the reader can tell the character is asking something before they get to the end of the sentence), you can use an exclamation mark without worrying that you’re going to confuse the reader. And that puts a shout on the dialogue. TADAAAAA!Take out sliced-through word?
A comma-ninja stole your comma after escaped. May wanna steal it back now.
Now this is something you do quite often in your writing, and in some places it can be of real service (like I guess when you want to move a piece along rather quickly, doing passive voice helps), but in most cases, I think you should stick to the active voice, and keep things that way. So, in this case, you should have said something like: It nagged at her mind – which keeps it all tighter and in active voice.
Comma after both magician and Sam.
<3
Do I spy some possible romantic tangles between those two? O_O I wonder what Sam is going to think of all this. Hehe. I love how you didn’t say that Zeke was in love with her, or that Falyn was in love with him, but you did leave the door open. And they say love is an open door…
The story was amazing. I loved the fact that you gave each of the characters such a background, especially Falyn. I was shocked when you told all she was, and all she knew, and everything. It was a good kind of shock, though, when Akia informed her of all these things she was, and could become. Also, you are a genius… coming up with all that stuff for magic. Amazing. I love it. Rhys’ background was very touching and powerful to read. I loved where he came from, and how it all works. And the elixir of life? Oh, my. THAT WAS PERFECT. I do have one teensy issue with that, though. I may be woefully mistaken with this, and you can feel free to paddle me if I am, but I always imagined Rhys as an older fellow – maybe thirty plus? I don’t know if that’s just something I fabricated because my mind went loopy due to all the coffee I had, or if it’s a lack of description of his character. I don’t know. I was just a little startled to find his age, since I had always thought him so much older.
I would say this is your best chapter yet. Everything flows along beautifully, has lovely dialogue – and your characters, they’re the power behind your story. The description of the fire, especially the sparks riding up on the breeze to die out, was perfect. I loved this entire chapter *smothers chapter in hugs*
Onto the next one!
~Darth Timmyjake
Heya! Finally back (though I will review the rest when the r-day is here!).
As usual, stylishly this is great. Well, If you read my reviews, you know what I'm talking 'bout. I think I saw one little nitpick somewhere, but beat me, I can't find it again.
It's great that you gave the basic directions of the plot finally. Great to Falyn at least. It was somewhat painful to see her being so dragged around, so I'd say it was about time. Since you also only outlined it, I can see there might be a lot more to disocover and there is a place for nuff variations. Good job.
Hm, I have only one concern with your novel, at least one thing that I didn't like. Sometimes (just sometimes), your character's actions are unrealistic. I've already been talking about that few times, I think it was about Falyn and her false father. What I'm suspicios here is their reaction about Zeke. He was the guy who was randomly picked up by them, right? Well since he could move during the time stop. But now he seems to be really deep into the story, and really skilled guy though he is still rather mysterious. And Akia and Sam are pretty skilled and smart themselves, I don't think they should overlook this. Akia should supect becouse of their rivalry, and Sam seems like a guy who wouldn't really miss a thing.
Also, nice romance twist with Falyn/Zeke. Well, this is the first time she had actually noticed something she would be able to like. And Zeke is mysterious himself, none of his actions are straightforward and well, I have no idea if he's into Falyn. Well, I have no idea why is he with them at all, and what are his motives.
Actually, concerning me, any of the three (Zeke, Akia, Sam) could have drunk that elixir of life. I could see that happening, easily.
Good chapter, was pleasure to read. See ya on the review day!
-Alchemist
I like how Akia is very confused through her experiences and I love how the authors characters explain to some people what's going on. Because than we can see the characters expression and how they handle the news. Ehhh I like Sam, a lot. He seems like the type to hold things back and never take words to heart. I see he's not the strong silent type though, but he's not afraid to say what's on his mind. Im not sure if that makes sense.
The plot of this chapter is intense for Akia, I can see. Telling her who she really is, is like telling her, her whole life is lie. I'm just Exaggerating lol
This chapter has a lot of info about her past, and I like how you made this chapter all about mags.
My favorite part is:
"(“Forget everything you learned in school,” Akia said, cutting her off. “Magicians were once mages. They used magic just like you. Just before the Four Parts war began, they left to start a new world: Vertfay. That’s when they found out their magic could develop into something much more.) "
When you wrote that, I was like what!? You can't do that, that's freaking hard to forget everything you learned. Because one day you're not gonna know how to do something and you're just gonna go back to your old ways.
Life is going to be hard for Akia. This was amazing and interesting. You had me hooked and surprised and your detailing wasn't off like that. Sorry I wasn't looking for correction. I was just reading to read.
So Sam has competition now.
I'm a bit unsure about where Zeke stands. I feel like what he said to Falyn:
Was more for the future, than the present. It's like he's saying: "Dude, whatever happens, I'm on your side." But maybe that's just me reading to far into it.
Though I am wondering why nobody's curious as to why, and how Zeke knew how to get them out of the bad guy's place. That's a red flag to most people... but maybe they are just really, really happy to be out of there, and aren't thinking too clearly?
I liked it when Akia and Sam were showing magician magic works. It was fun, it had interesting imagery, and we got to know what kind of magic they use!
But I'm not entirely convinced that these guys would be so readily lighting a fire. As far as they're concerned Rhys is hunting them down!
My suggestion to you is that you really focus on your character's logic. What causes them to do what they do? What prevents them from doing certain things? Characters, of course, think like us. So pay attention to what you use for logic in your day to day. I know I was feeling hot today, but I didn't want to open my window because wasps like to squeeze in through the drain things, and I don't like wasps. I sacrificed being hot, for being stung.
I found this funny. ^_^
These two lines contradict each other. You say: she made her way around the fire, and then: as she took her first step... I just thought I'd let you know, is all.
After that, I thought this was a very good chapter! We got a lot of information, more puzzle pieces, and I'm going to get on the chapter 14 shortly! *is excited*
-Socks
Noelle. Noelle, you just wrote the perfect chapter.
Questions were answered, no nitpicks and the characters were so realistic. And scenery and everything... gah, I could just imagine it all.
Not a single thing I could even suggest to change. I hope I can review next chapter. But this was just too brilliant <3
Deanie x
Oh my gosh, you just made my day!
First off, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for explaining. Things are actually starting to come together! I understand a lot more now...
Anyway, I noticed just a few grammar errors, I think they were just leaving off a letter or adding one, etc. As always, I forgot where they are. I don't like telling people exactly where they are anyway, because I think it improves their editing skills to have to do it themselves. Anywho... So, I really loved this chapter. One thing that i do have to complain about is the dialogue. It's not bad or anything, but I would say that it dominates a bit. Putting some more narration in wouldn't hurt! 
So, as far as Zeke and Falyn go. I don't know if I like this forming relationship. And I also don't know if Zeke is faking it or not. Either way, I want you to break it up! lol. I liked Falyn and Sam and Zeke and Akia. That was just my imagination though... I think that's all I have to say! Great job!
hi