A/N: Yes, I know this ending is quite sudden, but there really wasn't any place that I was comfortable splitting the chapter at so I just picked a random spot. I'll post the next part of the chapter tomorrow. Enjoy!
Falyn
She could hear Akia shouting at her to move, to back up, but she couldn’t; she was frozen to the spot. When had the guards returned? And how had they known where they were?
The walkie-talkie buzzed on the ground near her foot, spitting out muffled conversations the guards were having. There were too many conversations going on for her to figure out what they were saying. But she was sure that it wasn’t anything that would draw the guards away.
They were trapped.
It was a stand off. Neither of the groups moved. Akia was muttering something under her breath, most likely conversing with Sam. They were always whispering about something. So many secrets.
“Nobody move!” one of the guards shouted. It took Falyn a bit to realize it was the guard in the front of the pack. “We have you out numbered. It’s pointless for you to fight it.”
Falyn turned to look at the rest of the group. Akia was standing there, her face twisted in concentration. Sam and Zeke looked the same way. Everyone was ready for a fight; everyone except Falyn and Mina.
Falyn expected them to charge at any moment, cutting through the mob of soldiers like it was no one’s business. But that didn’t happen. No one moved for the longest time.
Not surprising, Akia was the one who took the first step towards the guards. The guard that had spoken earlier raised his weapon and pointed it in her direction. Falyn had never seen a weapon like it before. It was shaped like a gun, but it was almost transparent, making it look like it wasn’t even there. The material was something foreign to her.
Akia however, seemed to understand the danger. She slowly raised her hands in the air and said, “We’ve been chased long enough. And time and time again, we’ve gotten rid of you. Why are you still after us? Just give it up!”
“We have orders from Reese himself,” said another one of the guards in the front, a female. “You are to be detained and brought back to the Othir. Reese won’t have it any other way.”
Falyn couldn’t hide the gasp that escaped from her lips. If Reese was getting involved, then things were getting serious. Reese, the leader of the Othir, never got involved in problems in Agathi unless it was a major threat. He always left the dirty work to the rest of the government.
Just as much as this information caused nerves to attack her body, it also created a sense of urgency. They needed to get across that river. If they stayed any longer, the guards would have no excuse to not bring them back to the Othir. It was either face the less than sensitive government of Agathi or join the ranks of those in Lightport.
Falyn made up her mind that Lightport would be more rewarding. She was going to fight to get them across that river.
Zeke laughed from behind her and stepped forward. “What makes you think that we’ll come with you? If we wanted to give ourselves up, we would’ve done it already.”
“Exactly,” Sam said, stepping forward to join the other two. “We’re going back to Lightport and there’s nothing you can do to stop us.”
What happened next left Falyn so stunned that she didn’t even know what to think.
Akia, Sam, and Zeke stood side by side in front of her and Mina, created a sort of barrier between them and the guards. That was nothing new; they were always protecting her.
But then they all moved their hands and linked pinkies. Akia was in the middle of the two boys and Falyn was more than surprised to see her willingly link pinkies with Zeke. She knew they hated each other, so why were they standing linked together like that?
The guards seemed to be equally as confused. The male guard who had first spoken looked around at his comrades, most likely wondering what to do next. But none of his friends had any answers. They all stared at Akia, Sam, and Zeke with the same blank stare.
“Are they going to sing kumbaya or something?” Mina asked. Falyn could hear the sarcasm in the question, but it just made her angry. They were seriously outnumbered, trapped between guards and a wall of azure pellets, and all Mina could do was make jokes. That wasn’t about to get them anywhere.
…attack only if we need to.
Falyn was startled.
“What’s wrong?” Mina said out of the corner of her mouth. She was probably worried about the same thing Falyn was: if they moved the guards would attack and it would all be over.
Falyn shook her head. She wanted to tell Mina, but she wasn’t sure how to say it. How do you tell someone that you’re hearing voices in your head without sounding crazy? It was Sam’s voice, she was sure of it. She’d recognize his voice anywhere.
The voices kept coming and it didn’t take her long to figure out that they belonged to the three of her comrades standing with their pinkies linked. They were communicating through their minds and somehow, Falyn could pick up on the conversation.
We should tell the others. Sam said.
No. That was Zeke. We have to start this now.
But they should know! Sam again.
She can already hear us. Akia added. The three of them looked over their shoulders at Falyn. The surprised look on her face seemed to be enough for them to know that she had understood them. When had she gotten this power?
“You two ready?” Akia asked.
Falyn nodded, but Mina squeaked out, “Ready for what?” Falyn was about to answer when Zeke spoke up.
“Be ready for that time stop, Falyn, yeah?”
Before she could even nod her head, Zeke turned back and let out a battle cry, at least, that’s what Falyn thought it was. It sounded more like a loud, caveman-like cry. Then he let go of the others’ hands and rushed forward.
Falyn wanted to call out after him, screaming for him to stop. But again, her voice wouldn’t work. All she could do was watch helplessly as Zeke dropped to knees and slid into the middle of the pack of guards. Before they could react, he let out another cry and pushed out against the air. Falyn watched in amazement as the guards collapsed to the ground, clutching their heads. Whatever Zeke had done, it bought them a lot more time.
“Falyn, Mina, stand back,” Akia said, dragging Sam back a few steps. “We’re gonna make a barrier. Zeke was able to get us some time, but we’re gonna need more than that. Falyn, get ready for that time stop.”
Mina tapped Falyn on the shoulder. “Mind telling me what’s going on?”
“Just—stay out of the way, alright? We’ve got a plan.” Falyn could tell that what she said hurt Mina, but she didn’t have time to focus on that. Besides, they were sisters. Mina had no choice but to forgive her. That’s was how it worked, right?
Falyn watched as Akia called Zeke back over and the three of them, Sam included, started working on the barrier. It would never fail to impress Falyn how strong the powers were that Akia, Sam, and Zeke had. They must’ve studied in Lightport for more years than she had studied in Agathi. After only six years of studying magic and training, she had learned just the most basic of spells. Studies were obviously more intense in Lightport.
Falyn watched as the barrier began to form in front of them. It wasn’t as strong as the barrier behind them, that was obvious. But it would definitely hold the guards back for a while. All they needed was a few minutes for Falyn to do the time stop. Once she did it, it wouldn’t matter if the guards were rushing them or not. It wouldn’t be possible; they’d be safe.
“That’ll have to do for now,” Akia said, stepping back to look at the barrier. It was barely visible, but Falyn could see a tiny glint of pink light occasionally if the sun hit it the right way. “We could’ve made it better, stronger, but, well, considering the circumstances…”
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For the LMS contest. Word count: 1,392
End of chapter
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137,583 Literary Works • 672,048 Reviews
Hello, Noelle! KatyaElefant here for another review! (NO WAY! YOU COULD HAVE NEVER PREDICTED THAT KATYAELEFANT WOULD EVER REVIEW YOUR PIECES!!) Let's see what we have right here...(and what shall happen to our wonderful heroes in this novel).
I bet you that there are trackers on every single one of those walkie talkies and that is how they found the heroes. That would totally make sense for the police to do something like that. I think they actually might do that in real life. Also, since they have magic, they could totally track someone using their magical powers that I still don't get one bit.
I am laughing so much when you described how Akia and Zeke were linking pinkies. This is funny to imagine them doing that as these policemen are threatening to kill them. Then I realized that I would trust someone to hold my hand more so than to hold my pinky because they could easily break my pinky and I that would be so painful and just terrible to have your pinky finger broken. This is just my opinion on this situation because I find this really weird that you had to choose them linking pinky fingers instead of just holding hands like normal people do.
I am kind off confused on how the time stop would work. Time is the 5th dimension and I can't imagine just stopping the 2nd dimension for example. I guess there are something that human minds can't ever understand at all. Also, what are the circumstances of people moving when time is stopped? Can only some people move or what? I get that objects are stopped in place so logically, wouldn't people be stopped too? That would be the thing that would make sense most to me.
Keep calm and keep writing,
KatyaElefant
P.S. I know my reviews haven't been talking about grammar all that much but that is because your grammar mistakes just keep repeating and I didn't want my reviews to be super repetitive. So if you want to know what I think of grammar, just look at my reviews for the first few chapters.
I appreciate the comments on the storyline and characters much more than the grammar. Mainly because my grammar mistakes are just me being stupid xD Having to write something in such a short amount of time doesn't help either.
See, there I go defending myself. Shut up, Noelle, just shut up. *slinks back into the shadows*
You weren't defending yourself. You were just stating the facts and that's good.
Timmy here
Let's just head right into this piece, shall we? Ready? Psssh, course you are.
nitpick number one: I think "outnumbered" is one word, yes?
nitpick number two: you say, fight it. Um... fight what, exactly? It means they would be fighting something, like an entity, yes - but someone would say, "yeah, you will fight it", now would they, especially if they were referring to themselves? So perhaps just omit the "it" or change the entire sentence a bit so that it words something like: "pointless for you to retaliate" or something along those lines, anyway
You can tighten this a bit by changing "almost transparent" to merely "translucent", which says the same thing in fewer words, and is a more exact word... if you get my meaning.
Well, that's kind of obvious.... I mean, if she can't see through it and she's dumbfounded at that, then she wouldn't recognize the material, would she? Seems to blatant.
If this Reese is so important, where is his highly-important title? These soldiers and Akia and Falyn throw his name around like he's the kid next door, and I think he would be treated with a bit more respect... even when talking about him.
I am sorry if I sound mean in the next few paragraphs. :/ This is my biggest nitpick in the novel. Of every chapter you have written, there is one nitpick that links them all. I mean, one nitpick I have that shows itself in every chapter. When it comes to the magic, you just tell us they are powerful. Well... that's great and all. You say they are powerful. But the reader needs a sort of conviction - something to really show them they are powerful - instead of you just going about and telling us so. In the Percy Jackson series (just an example, bear with), you really get a close feeling of how he summons his strength, how he uses it. Remember the surging in the gut? That was something we could feel while we read it. Now I am not saying your character's stomach should rumble when they summon magic, but it's an action. Percy had to imagine the water, he had to build it in his mind, and then release it. Something similar for your characters - something we can envision, and feel with your characters - would be very good. I think you should try and describe their actions during these parts, the expressions on their faces - something more so that, number one: we can see that this magic is truly difficult, and number two: we can discover how the summon their magical abilities at will. I mean, how do they do it? So far, I have only seen one sort of summoning: Akia broke the barrier.... Well, that's great after you have explained it a few times, how they do it and gone through the actions and thoughts and feeling with us a few times (or a billion times, just to remind us), but here and now, I feel as though we are missing an important part of the action, and missing something that could bring us closer into the minds and hearts of the characters.
Mean Timmy - out.
I'm curious. What does this barrier look like? It's sorta like a puzzle to me. There isn't enough description to satisfy me in this part.
Really, I think your endings are just fine. They are cliffhangers - you bet, they are. Of the most extreme kind. xD - but really, the parts should just flow right into the next part, without a resolution because the end of the chapter is supposed to be the ending point... right? This is just the beginning, so it would be normal for our questions to not be answered and feel like we're dangling on the brink, or teetering on the edge - waiting. So I think you do a wonderful job with that. ^.^
To tell you the complete truth, I come into this book and read the chapter all the way through, and then have to go back and read it over a few times in order for me to find enough things to say. Your writing is amazing, and your style and voice just sucks me into the story. Your characters are realistic, all the way down to their dialogue. They aren't perfect, which makes me love them even more.
Keep being amazing.
~Darth Timmyjake
Hi there Noelle!
What an interesting chapter! I guess we get to know that they can now talk in their minds. I wonder if they needed to have their pinkies locked to talk with their mind? Because even though Falyn isn't part of the chain, she does seem to be able to hear them, which would make the movement a little bit useless? Or maybe it was more for confusion, I'm not sure. Either way, it was a cool addition to the capabilities of the group! I like that they even had a plan for as tough a situation as this one. I also feel a bit bad for Mina. Being the weakest of the group and the least important, it must be hard for her and I am sure she feels left out occasionally as well. I hope things look up for her in future chapters ^.^
Okay, I don't see how this would work. For a walkie talkie to pick up anything, the button needs to be pressed and someone purposefully speaking into it. And if everyone was doing it at once, the walkie talkies wouldn't really be working because of too many signals. I feel it would be kind of impossible for them to be receiving a lot of different guard's conversations in one go because then even the people involved in the conversations wouldn't be able to understand each other. That being said, maybe it would be best to say that the guard rapidly firing messages between each other in such a way that Falyn couldn't possibly determine what was going on.
One thing I don't understand is this: If they needed Falyn to make a time stop to complete their plan, why was Zeke saying that they shouldn't mention anything to her and Mina? I am referring to when the trio were communicating by mind. If they didn't, then she wouldn't have known to make a time stop there and the plan would've been incomplete. That's why I don't think it makes much sense to have Zeke protesting against letting her in to the plan.
As for everything else, I do believe it's been already covered by the other reviewers *really needs to start arriving first* I am going to keep on reading and see if I can be more helpful there. I understand what you mean about the abrupt ending as well, but it's okay because this is in two parts and is really one chapter, so.
Deanie x
Hello, Noelle. Wolf here for a review.
I see what you meant by the abrupt ending. It's hard to split chapters up sometimes, I get that, but I kind of feel like you could've ended it on the second to last paragraph, since with the trailing off dialogue, it kind of seems like you cut off mid-dialogue. Just a suggestion.
Alright, now this is really small, and I'm honestly not sure how I feel about the pinkie thing xD On one hand, it's unique and it's just a different alternative versus holding hands and mind talking. On the other, it seems kind if ridiculous to me. These people are standing in front of a bunch of others who want to get them back in any possible way (maybe even hurt them in the process) and they are just casually holding pinkies. I don't know if it's a normal thing, but if I were a guard I'd probably start shooting thinking these guys are maniacs.
Another super, duper small thing: in the very beginning Falyn is in front of everyone else, being the 'human shield' if you will for her friends (not that that's what she's doing, it's just how she ended up.) After reading through this several times, I've come to the conclusion that it never actually states anywhere that her friends stepped in front of Falyn. They may step forward, but forward is much different than in front of. It's small, but it did catch me off guard when they were talking in front of them. Also, Mina suddenly appears beside her. Like what? Just make it clear where everything is to avoid confusion.
Great chapter once again, little bit of actual but we do find out quite a bit, even if its subtly hinted at. Such as, Falyn has a lot of different powers, we know this, but we find out that one of these powers is being able to hear thoughts even without doing the 'pinkie ritual'. Also, we find out a little bit about this Reese character (and even kind of meet him without seeing him kind of thing). The action scene towards the end was alright, though it was awhile since I read this (I started a review and stopped and finally am finishing it), and from what I remember it was kind of 'eh'. It's good though, but not super engaging. One thing that may have contributed to that is stating 'Falyn watched'. Maybe kind of draw into the action and then abruptly throw us back into Falyn's head without ever taking us out. Just a cool little tactic, but it's your preference.
On to the next part! This is really heating up and maybe they'll finally make it to Lightport yay! Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
Hello!
This is probably my most favourite chapter so far! I really like that they link pinkies instead of holding hands... if they had held hands I would be scolding you rather than praising you. I think the pinkie idea is unique and more mysterious, more magical... or wizard-y.
Who's Reese again? Did we hear about him? I don't remember... Why are these guards after them? Do we know why they want to take the group to Reese? Do we know why Reese wants them? Is Reese good or bad ( in the world... we know he's kind of thwarting the groups goal... but is he a threat to others )? I'm just curious, because I'd like to know why these guys are trying to capture them!
I don't think you need Falyn to ask this question. We already know that Akia and Zeke hate each other, and we already know Falyn knows they hate each other, and so we know that it is very strange that they would link their pinkies. When Falyn wonders why they would do so, it takes away some of the magic... I'm not just like: "Oh my gosh, they'd never do that on normal terms... things must be really bad!", instead I'm being told that this is an unusual sighting, and I should be in awe... Naturally I prefer the first option because I figured it out for myself, and that makes me feel smart somehow.
It's interesting that Mina and Falyn are growing further, and further apart. I find that an intriguing thought because they only just found out that they were sisters, and therefor physically closer than they had thought. I know I really hate it when I drift apart from my friends and family... it's a terrible feeling, that seems to be what just happens. You go different ways, and than you get closer, and than you drift away again, and than come back. I wish there was a way to just stay in the good times, where everythings great between everyone! Anyway, I already feel sorry for Falyn.
Keep it up, Noelle!!!
-Socks
I kinda just snuck Reese in there. We haven't seen him before. When I go back and edit he'll be in earlier on in the story. But we will learn more about him as time goes on as well. This was probably a really lame way to introduce him, but I had to throw him in there somewhere :/
OK, I thought maybe my memory was starting to slip! XD
hehe. No worries, your memory is still there xD
XD
Here I am again! Ok, so this chapter was pretty interesting. (Like all the others aren't;) lol) Even though there wasn't a lot happening, you have us information. Like, how Akia, Sam, and Zeke can mind-talk (what's that called again??) and Falyn can "hear" them! Did the pinkies have something to do with that, or was that something about the barrier? Don't really have much to say, this was yet another good chapter! As normal!;) I like the thing about Falyn thinking "That's how it works, right?" So cute and funny! And also very relatable and true. It's hard to hold a grudge on family. I've tried! Lol. So, I'm going to Part Two now!
Noelle, you friendie! Hi again!
The only thing I noticed was this: you make this sound like a big achievement. You obviously want it to give the opposite feeling, right? A big, epic, fail? Simple--replace "only" with "tedious", a comma, and "long".
"After a tedious, long six years of studying magic and training, she had learned just the most basic of spells."
This chapter really caught my eye. Sure, I didn't read your other seventeen chapters, but this was enough as Chapter One, with all the descriptions. You're a wonderful author, friend, publisher, and reviewer, so don't weigh yourself down--you have a lot going for you!
-wisegirl22
Knight r4 here to review on of your chapters yet again Noelle! I certainly hope this helps you! It took you long enough to get this up, but at least you got both parts in!
I canNOT wait to see what happens next. Okay. Well I guess I better get reading! So time for the REVIEW!!!
You have a minor typo here. You need to add an 'ly' to the end of 'surprising'.Aside from that one thing I didn't find any other errors. So I am sorry but that is all I have in that avenue. You did a good job on that at least! Yay! *Gives you a 30 second standing ovation* You normally do a pretty good job of that, but this one was a whole lot better!!!
Well as you can tell I am happy about the lack of nitpicks; but to be honest on the he other side of the spectrum I was a little bummed out that there wasn't really much happening in this chapter. I mean the guards pretty much just get frozen and they begin to create a barrier. This isn't really a big deal though, at this point since I have kind of been waiting for a chapter when for once there would finally be something good happening to your characters.
Another thing that I liked was that this chapter part didn't end in a cliff-hanger! Woohoo! Yay! I was so happy when I read that in your wall post. Those cliff-hangers were starting to get a little old. Not that one or two isn't alright, but the third time pays for all.
Aside from that all I can say is just keep writing and if I haven't already said so, I kind of hope you win the contest. I am torn between you and Wold. Or are you both out of it already? Idk to be honest with you. But I hope this novel turns out well regardless.
PS I hope the next part is a little longer...