Akia
It wasn’t long until Akia was lost. She had never actually been in the fortress before, only seen it from the outside. If she still had her magic, she could’ve reached out to find Rhys’s. That was impossible now.
The hallways seemed to be never ending. They were all the exact same shape and length, leading off of one another seamlessly. How was she supposed to remember where she’d come from? The walls were a deep gray and there weren’t any windows, at least none that let in light. Each one was blacked out. Not only could no one see in, but no one could see out either. Anyone could sneak in here without Rhys even knowing. Sometimes she just didn’t understand the way he thought.
As she wandered the halls she kept her knife out. Phillip had given it to her that morning, reminding her it was her only protection. “Keep it close,” he had said. “You’ll have to go off on your own eventually. This will help protect you… if you use it right.” She planned on using it for that exact thing.
No matter which hall she went down, she found no doors. How was she supposed to find Rhys now? It seemed impossible. There could be no fortress without rooms. A building with just hallways wasn’t really anything at all.
She wondered if she had been walking in circles. It didn’t seem to matter which way she went since each hallway she turned down was the same. For all she knew, she’d been own this way many times before.
Suddenly, she heard voices. They were muffled, but she could tell they were male. Quickly, she looked around for a place to hide. But there was nowhere to go. The hallway she was in was completely empty. Not even a single table or large potted plant.
She ran to the end of the hallway and froze. There was nothing in front of her but a wall, and a hallway to both the right and the left. Just like the one she had just come out of, each one was empty. There was nowhere for her to hide. She took a quick look over her shoulder before hurrying down the left hallway. The voices grew louder as she hurried along, hand on the wall to the left. If something was hidden, she would find it.
Halfway down the hallway, Akia stumbled to the left. She stopped and looked back, relieved to see an indent in the wall. It was a secret door. Without a second thought she shoved the door open and disappeared inside.
The room was dark, but it didn’t matter. She wasn’t going to stay in there for long; just until the owners of the voices were gone.
“We have to get out of here,” one said. “Do you remember the way?”
The other scoffed. “How can anyone? It’s a never ending maze in here. I think it’s this way through.”
“As long as we don’t run into Rhys. If we do, you’re telling him that we let her go.”
“Why? I was knocked out, I couldn’t do anything. You were awake the whole time. Who’s he going to believe?”
It was the Warriors from before.
Their footsteps thudded past her hiding place and down the hall. Soon she couldn’t hear them at all. She still waited before making a move.
She slid the door open and stepped out into the hallway. The Warriors were nowhere to be seen, much to her relief. She wasn’t looking forward to another fight just to get to Rhys. The door groaned behind her and she turned in time to see it shut completely, leaving no trace of a door.
Wonder how many other doors are hidden around here. Rhys could be anywhere behind these walls. But she didn’t have time to waste looking for hidden doors.
“End it now. No more diversions.”
Akia froze. That voice belonged to Dorrin. He was close by, which meant Rhys was too.
Quietly, she made her way down the hall and around the corner to her right. That hallway was empty, but Dorrin’s voice was getting louder. She was close.
“You’ve wasted enough time because of that silly girl.” he was saying as Akia crept forward. “She’s not on your side anymore. Get over yourself.”
Akia reached the end of the hallway and had no choice but to go left. She stuck her head around the corner. Dorrin was standing in the hallway while Rhys leaned against a doorframe. It was the same kind of door that she had found earlier. The room behind him was illuminated, bathing part of the hallway in golden light.
“I thought I could change her mind,” Rhys replied. “Find a way to get her back again. Obviously that didn’t work.”
“Obviously.” Dorrin shook his head. “I don’t get you, Rhys. There’s so much you want to accomplish, but you let things get in your way. It’s going to be your downfall. I can’t keep coming back and babysitting you and your plans. Meet me when your plan is complete. Only when it’s complete. I don’t want to see you before, understood?”
The floor beneath him suddenly opened and he dropped through. Akia gaped as it closed back up, leaving no trace. How cool would it be to have Dorrin’s magic?
Rhys was left standing in the hallway, staring at the wall in front of him. Akia couldn’t see him too well, but she could tell that the conversation with Dorrin had made him upset. He was standing rigid and his hands were glued to his sides.
Great. Now I have to fight him when he’s angry. She thought. Many times before, when she was still young, she had tried to reason with him when he was upset. None of it ever worked. It only made everything worse and things got ruined because of him. Anger was one emotion that never looked good on him.
She watched as he stomped back through the door and slid it shut. The beautiful light disappeared and Akia was left with nothing but a few lanterns to light her way.
She slipped into the hallway, keeping her left hand firm on the wall. The room was about halfway down, if she remembered correctly. Her hand would hit it eventually; hopefully there were no other rooms down this hallway.
The wall moved with a click and she froze. A bit of light poured out through the crack. This was it, the room Rhys was hiding in. Once she went inside, there was no turning back.
Gathering up her courage, and pulling the knife back out of her pocket, she slid the door open.
The room had more of a library feel to it than anything. The walls to her right were lined with bookshelves while to her left there was a desk and a few lounge chairs. Rhys was standing facing the shelves, his back to her. It didn’t seem like he had heard her come in. She was in the perfect position.
Knife out, she moved silently towards him. Her mind was working overtime, struggling to form a solid plan. Somehow she had to convince him to tell her the location of the locket and fight him off so she could get to it. It was a tall order, but she had to get it done. No one else could do it.
Just as she had made up her mind to attack, Rhys spoke up. “Daughter of Kit. I’ve been expecting you.” She cursed as he turned to face her. But his eyes were trained on the pages of a book. “Did you know that shapeshifters can only change into something, or someone, that they’ve seen before? Without the correct features, the shift will be unsuccessful and cold possibly harm them.”
Akia stared. “And this matters why?”
Rhys closed the book and slid it onto the counter behind him. “Studying magic has always been a hobby of mine. Because one day I’ll need to know how to use it, so I want to know how it works.” He pushed against the air and Akia stumbled backward. She was able to stay balanced, but a flash of red light quickly followed, hitting her straight in the stomach.
Fighting the pain, she stood tall and held out her knife. But instead of facing Rhys, she was looking at George. She froze, her mouth half open.
George -- no, Rhys -- smirked. “It’s not hard to mess with your mind, is it? With these powers, I can make myself whomever, or whatever, I please.”
Akia shook her head. “You may look like him, but I still know a coward is hiding inside you.”
Rhys shuddered and returned to his normal self. He was glaring at her, hands glued to his side. “Enough out of you. This is the end, daughter of Kit. You’ve been hiding for a long time, oblivious to the world I’ve been creating. Now that the locket and the powers are in my control, everything will fall into place.”
“You haven’t done it yet,” she retorted. “I’m still here, aren’t I? And there’s still five more threats outside of these walls that are coming for you.”
“Not if I’m gone before they get here,” he responded. “I’m sure you’re not planning on hanging around, are you? Because I’m giving you a choice now, your last one. Help me accomplish the one thing we always wanted all those years ago or struggle helplessly only to watch me succeed.”
Akia laughed. “You think that’s even a choice for me? I’m not helping you accomplish anything.”
“So be it,” Rhys responded, his eyes darkening.Akia stared at him, not sure what to do. His eyes dilated and she couldn’t look away. They pulled her in, demanding all of her attention. Everything disappeared around her, turning to black, until all that was left were those two eyes. She wanted to pull away, to look at something else, but her eyes wouldn’t respond. Her breath became shallow and panic coursed through her body. She wanted to move, but her body wouldn’t respond. Those eyes were all that she could focus on, even though she knew her attention was needed elsewhere.
Suddenly she was hurled backwards into the bookshelves. As she fell, books rained down on top of her, their harsh spines stabbing her shoulders and back. She covered her head, but still cringed as every edge tore at her skin. By the time they stopped falling Rhys was in front of her. He pulled her up roughly by the arm and threw her against the adjacent wall. It stung as her shoulder slammed. She gritted her teeth and kicked Rhys in the side. He cried out and his grip loosened, but he didn’t let go. Taking advantage, Akia kicked him again. But he caught her leg and threw her to the ground. Her hands hit first, and then her leg awkwardly. It twisted, sending a sharp pain through her, but it wasn’t anything significant.
Rhys stood over her, eyes blazing, and flexed his fingers. Her body convulsed. The pain coursed through her body, setting fire to her bones and twisting her skin. She tried to focus on the pain, locate the cause of it in her mind like she had all the other times he had used the torture spell on her, but nothing happened; and she knew why.
Rhys’s words barely registered in her mind as the pain took control. “I’ve tried to save you, Akia. All this time I’ve been dancing around you, focusing on your friends. We were meant to be rule together. You wanted this just as much as I did. But once you started lashing out against me, I wasn’t going to let you win.”
The pain was growing at a rapid pace. Soon all Akia could feel was heat; boiling heat running along every inch of her skin. She could imagine how her body was twisted in strange ways and how many bones had been broken. Her screams ceased, as the pain was too great to even open her mouth.
“Now your fight is over,” Rhys continued. “My Warriors will take care of your friends, the only backup you have. And once I’m through with you, there will be no more threat. I can escape with the powers and create a world where everyone is equal. There will be no powers, no magic, no reason for anyone to not be trusted. Doesn’t that sound wonderful?”
Balls of light danced in her vision, even when she closed her eyes. Her breath came in occasional short gasps. The pain was unbearable.
It won’t be much longer. She thought as she gave into the pain.
Suddenly it released her and the pain was gone. Even though her body didn’t feel like it was self destructing, there was still a dullness left, one that kept her body firmly planted on the ground. She wasn’t in the mood to fight even though she knew she had to.
There was thud and Rhys cried out. Akia looked up to see him on the ground, frozen. A thin layer of glass surrounded him, shimmering even under the soft lighting.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hey Noelle!
First of all, this is an interesting chapter. Really, everything is coming to a boil now and Akia has gone to confront Rhys. Even though she didn't have her powers or anything to protect her like that. I really have to be impressed with the courage and bravery there. And now that we know Rhys has been hurt just as he was about to end Akia's life, I can only hope it is her band of friends come to save her... I am supposing I will find out in the next chapter 
So it has definitely been a long time since I have read this novel and I am SO sorry for that. I have been slacking at reviewing but I really do want to finish this novel because I have read so much of it and sincerely hope you'll be editing as well at some point. So I am going to try and help you out with that
When I was reading this, a thought occurred to me that I hadn't taken into consideration until now. Is there a spell that simply causes instant death? Because if that is the case, I couldn't help but wonder why Rhys wasn't using it now. I feel like it would be so much easier for him if he could just end her life in a single second instead of having to draw it out and hurt her so much. But then again, it could be because he wants her to suffer for all the hope he stocked in her that she completely let down. And he wants her to hurt. That could be the case but if it is those intentions aren't completely clear to me. I mean, I can tell enough that he now wants her dead. But I can't see that he is dragging it out because he wants revenge.
Or is there a rule that forbade magicians from making an instant death spell because it would be too powerful and too dangerous? Or even use up too much magic? I was pretty curious about this. But otherwise, nothing plot wise that I could see worth mentioned!
So we have to go on to the nitpicks instead xD
But then again in the previous paragraph she mentioned she would've been able to feel where Rhys is using her magic. So seeing as Rhys has magic, wouldn't it make it possible for him to feel out whoever enters his fortress? And doesn't that practically impossible for Dorrin and Rhys to not notice her overhearing things? This made me a little bit confused.
This is me being very nitpicky but I didn't like the use of the word 'thing' here. I actually would much prefer the word 'purpose' instead. I think it's because thing is such a general word and definitely a weaker one than purpose. I am not sure why it stood out to me, but if there is a stronger word to use that replaces those like 'thing' and 'stuff', it's always better to use them!
I didn't like that sentence because it seemed like it was telling the obvious to the reader. I mean, I was able to gather that it was the warriors from before myself from what they were saying. I do understand that maybe some readers might need the reminder, but maybe it would be best to include it in a less obvious way then telling. For example, in the second sentence I quoted make it 'The Warriors footsteps thudded' so that we get the reminder without it being so obviously told.
Retorted was another word that stood out to me here. Sometimes people say it would be best to say 'said' one more time then fill it with another word, and I think here is the case. 'replied' or even 'responded' would be better. I just feel like retorted doesn't quite fit.
I think this works best with the 'I' at the beginning of the sentence.
A great chapter! I am gonna keep reading right now, actually ^^
Deanie x
Hey teammate! Happy Review Day!
was a little hard for me to follow.I haven't read previous chapters of this so I'll be looking at it as a part of a greater whole.
Well! I must say that after reading this one chapter, I want to read the rest of this novel. It was really interesting. You did a really good job of keeping the suspense building and keeping the plot moving, so when we got to the fight I was on the edge of my seat. I think what helped this was your descriptions - I could picture what was going on and where I was even though I have no context with this story at all (so that's awesome!). I also felt like I had a good idea of who your characters are, even with no context, because of what they did in the situations you put them in and their inner thoughts and dialogue. You have a really fluid way of writing and it made it very easy and enjoyable to read.
The only things I can think to nitpick (and boy are they minor):
1. I noticed that you put thoughts in italics. I think there were a couple of places that could have been italicized that you chose not to. I can go back through and find them if you'd like.
2. This paragraph of the fight scene:
3. I didn't quite understand what happened at the end of this chapter. Did Akia do something without realizing it or is there another person in the room?
Seriously though, this was really well done. Perhaps after review day I'll read the rest of this novel! (And I'm not even a fantasy person!)
Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!
i think this is very creative thinking. I'm not that great of reviews but this is something new and different i enjoyed reading it. Your structure and he way you think about things is fascinating. I hope you continue it. _WXA_
creative
Hey, there Noelle! Sorry for the long pause. Dentist appointment snatched me away ^^ Here to finish the job!
Because you're already so close to your editing phase and redrafting and all that wonderfulness, I feel like I should be of some assistance in word slashing. One reviewer told me that every word in your novel should do something, and that you should have as little as possible, telling as much as possible. Thus, I'll share with them what they told me:
First thing about this sentence in particular is that it reads a little awkwardly on its own. Next thing about it is that words like "seemed to" or "looked like" can weaken a sentence in certain contexts (which, you know, doesn't mean you never use it ever, but if it can be cut, then do it.) So, adjusting that sentence to become a metaphor hits the point home a lot harder that the hallways go on forever :3
Another thing that was pointed out to me is that things, like "___ wondered this" or "___ thought that this would happen" or "____ felt that that would happen" or "___ noticed that..." (you get the point), are also kind of weak, because it is their perspective. Of course they would notice it or feel that way or wonder about that.
[quote]It
stung*??? as her shoulder slammed.[quote]First off, this was pulled straight from the text as a whole sentence. You're forgetting something xD Second, I don't think stung is really the right word here. To be honest, I don't know a single word that would fit nicely here, but perhaps think about rewording it to think more about impact?
Because this was also a super good chapter, I only have one more note on this. That note is how much repetition there is in the beginning. The first four paragraphs are basically two ideas just repeated over and over again. The halls are long, Akia is lost and has hardly any hope for finding Rhys. I feel like you could've done a lot better with that.
And aside from the complete coincidences that happened with Akia stumbling upon the room, the Hund Warriors and Rhys (which I can forgive, but stiiiiiil :3) this was a fantastic chapter. I loved the end when we found out that Rhys still cares about Akia. AHHHH. He's still totally evil, but they're there. He doesn't want to give up on their friendship (even though he will when he realizes he can't convince her, but CUTE.)
Well, here's to another super short review xD Hope you got something from this and happy writing,
~Wolfare
i think this is very creative thinking. I'm not that great of reviews but this is something new and different i enjoyed reading it _WXA_
sorry meant to write that as a review not a reply.... i'm new at this ^.^