I wish I weren't a carpet to be trod on
I wish I were an elephant instead
for I've met many a blaring trunk
whose voice was heard
but woe to the carpet and woe to the help of the owl
for both are hushed and overlooked
and woe to the elephants who fall flat on their trunks
tripping over pride
when wisdom was only a step away
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! This is uhh poetry review #3 for me. So go easy on it if I say something ridiculous. Hopefully I can help you somehow but I'll probably just end up embarrassing myself...
First Impression: Okay so this one is the first poem that I'm running into with a bit of a deeper meaning to it rather than what's being said because umm....I don't think you actually mean to talk about carpets and elephants. So the first thing that stood out was the owl. It seemed kind of a sudden addition like um carpet, elephant, more elephant, more carpet then BAM we have an owl which struck me as a bit odd.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay onto the other stuff. Umm I notice you never used a full stop or a comma so umm well I don't know too much poetry so I'm just pointing that out in case you did that without meaning to.
And I do like the message from what I can understand. I think what you're saying is that you wish that you weren't a voice that's unheard (I'm thinking maybe a social outcast
like me) and that maybe you are wishing that you could easily make yourselves heard like the popular people that everyone listens to.Then somehow the last bit seems like a footnote where you say said popular tend to fall because of pride or something...that last bit I can't quite decipher.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: So that's just umm what I understood from it and a couple things that stood out as maybe issues. Overall it was a pretty nice poem and hope that I helped.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thank you Harry :> <3.
You're Welcome!!
P.S. The new avatar is kinda scary.
hehe
xD
Hello there, Gem!
I haven't reviewed any of your poems even though you streamed-post most of them oof so I thought I'd give them a try. First of all, I love your title. It seems so random but reading your poem, it obviously isn't.
At first, I thought the message could become an anti-bullying campaign but, rereading it again, it's more of getting confidence to retaliate? There's a lot of loose ends, what were you really trying to say? That both sides have their pros and cons? Which do you prefer, if you "woe" to both of them?
Now, I'll outline the message of your poem here:
-doesn't want people to look down on him/her
-wants him/her voice to be heard
-goes back to the speaker's concern of people subdued/oppressed
-realises that those people whose voices were heard could turn prideful
-pride ensues ignorance
Looking at it now, I think you should fix the cohesiveness of your poem. The lines:
Would go well when it's right after the first line, rather than switching from what you don't like to what you do, then back to what you don't (even summarising it like this sounds confusing, right?). If it makes sense, it's cohesive if you finish one idea first before moving to another one. I also feel like there's something wrong with the word choice. This might sound like a nitpick but it's the word "but." This line didn't contrast the overall message. You've already said how you didn't like becoming a carpet. One should only use "but" when you mean that there is some "good" point on becoming a carpet, and then move to the other side of the same coin.
Also the line in this color simply repeats the first line. I've already assumed that on "a carpet to be trod on" so I suggest changing it to something new? Or something more specific; give an instance where people are silenced or ignored (e.g. blackmailed, never give you credit on ideas).
Same with the issue on this quote. This is used often and the "blaring trunk" already gave the "voices" vibe. So can you specify why you want your voices heard? Where? I realised that the poem was general and I felt disconnected with it (i'm so sorry, please don't be offended). If you could focus on one situation or a set of different -- yet expounded upon -- situations (show it to us and harness the emotion), it would be perfect.
I also have another option for you: why not go full on metaphor? Instead of saying "voice was heard" why not relate it to the elephant and say "with no hands daring to shove peanuts." I researched about it and elephants don't actually like peanuts but the media/films portrays the opposite. So my example would simply mean nobody would dare tell them what they don't want to do or force unto them the norms.
I think this is where you should use the word "but." You said that you wanted to be an elephant first, and now you transition to an idea that somehow opposed the wanting -- or perhaps you're trying to balance them.
Moreover, instead of using the abstract word "pride" why not concretise it? I researched that elephants are vital for biodiversity, why not focus on that? Why not say something similar "tripping over dry ground, spilling water their calves asked for." It's just my example of course and here, I applied one of the infos I've learnt on my research. During the dry season, they get water from the ground. That's something to be proud for because it's a life-hack, but since they "spilled it," it meant that they placed themselves in an embarrassing situation. That they fizzled in doing something they're used to and pride for doing.
Same with the word wisdom. We all have different versions of wisdom, what's yours? Please specify (it would also be nice if you tuck it in a bit with elephant metaphors, but that's just a suggestion) so that the poem could vividly resonate with the readers.
I'd like to end my review with a positive note by saying, I love the insert of the "owl." I know it's connected to the usual owl rug, but I googled that:
It is so ironic that owls would defend themselves and what's important for them, but they were made into something so defenseless. It's brilliant! And I kind of sympathise with the owl now
Keep writing sis, you're on fire with all these poems you've published!! Also, sorry if I was rambling. Feel free to ask me if anything confuses you.
+ Point out if I was rude in any way, I'd like to keep my reviews polite.
Thank you. <3
Hello Gem, It's me Myth and I'm going to be reviewing your poem today, so without further ado let's get started.
Let's start with the title. "Elephants and Carpets". This would seem of no relevance to someone who just looked at the title while scrolling down the "all literary" but wait. A carpet? Isn't that what people walk over? That's the moral value of the poem. That right there. That common comparison, that idea. It's significant to anyone who has ever been a push-over or has stepped on someone else.
Now, let's look at the first two lines.
Disclaimer: personal opinion ahead!
Spoiler
Moving on, the elephant looks like a metaphor of choice if you think about it long enough. It's strong, and sometimes not too intelligent. Not as proud as a lion, but proud still. The attribute of a being who'd be enough of a fool to let pride take over and hurt their dear ones or anyone weaker than them even with the best intentions in mind.
The detail here may have had a huge role in forming my opinions and points earlier. This goes deeper into the same metaphor. It talks of experience. Now, it's not just putting down something weaker, but ignoring their existence completely or rather, neglecting them.
Now, the last three lines are the most detailed and self explanatory of them all.
This talks about how experience, achievement, and regret blinds people and the cause of this may not just be pride, but also fear. This is where the true power is revealed. This is where the carpet walks past the elephant fully knowing that it's there, thus showing it's superiority in the way of thought. It explains the last stage of growth. The final decision. It's where you can either choose to know or pretend you know because the truth isn't easy to learn.
That'll be all. Thanks, Gem, for this treat of a poem. I hope you write more.
Yours sincerely,
Myth
__|_|__
Others may use my banner:
[img]https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/715635114423615549/750281735618428978/My_Post_1.jpg/img]Thank you <3
Hi LadyGemstone,
I'm here with a review. I think the concept of the poem is interesting but I also believe that it's confusing. So in the first four lines, we understand the desire of the carpet to become an elephant. And then we have:
"but woe to the carpet and woe to the help of the owl"
I don't really understand what is the owl doing in this story? After we go back to the elephant and I actually like the last two lines. As well why is the carpet woe?
I also want to point out punctuation. I said this in almost all my reviews but it's really important. As for grammar, I didn't found any mistakes so good job!
I hope my review helped you,
MoonIris.
Thank you.