Romani
My eyes
feel like the flame
that burns on the
tip of a candle's
wick.
My lips
glisten just like how a ruby
shines under the stars
in the dead of night.
Slick.
My dress,
sparkling purple,
hypnotizes your gaze
in the flickering firelight.
Quick
as it is to
make you follow my
graceful swaying hips,
you cry 'witch' as if it
is my fault you
stick
around...but I am
a romani who travels by the murky
moon. Be careful, if you dare strike.
I'll vanish like a dream and leave you
lovesick.
And I'll never be found.
Loves Curse
I see the fire in your eyes. It is too much for
you to disguise. Is it loathing, do you hate me? Is it
jealous love? Vanilla bean? Or is it something undefined?
I can feel the desire as your chest rises and falls, as your heart
pounds beside mine. I want to have the whole of you.
I need to have you all.
Is the heat in your eyes, the very same demon that
brings color to my cheeks? Are those breaths you take
in, the ones ruthlessly stealing mine away? Can I even breathe
at all...We are so close, yet I know that if I stumble you'll
leave me helpless. Please save me when I falter.
I'm not ready to fall...
I resist the desire to fall for you, because if I do I
will be helpless at your knees. What if I never get back
up? What if you abandon me but I'm stuck? I don't
want to be alone, marooned on our island...If you
leave I'll feel your loss. If you stay you'll learn my
faults. I'm not sure which is worse...but they do say
love's a curse.
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Hi there you two!
I think it's interesting that you elected to post two poems together and maybe that's because you were trying to save on points for posting. However, if that were the case, I would encourage you to evaluate the consequences of posting two poems together - do they relate in any way, romantic theme aside? Are they meant to be read together and, if not, how might this be detrimental (or not) to the reader's interpretation of your poems? I think posting works together should be done with care, otherwise it can be a challenge to review both at once - particularly if they don't belong together. And I don't get the sense that these two belong together. In the end, I'll end up writing a comparison.
I get the impression that the first poem was more involved, what with the rhyme scheme and the balance of lines. I think it is also the stronger one of the two imagery-wise, and imagery is honestly the best way to convey those elusive things we call emotion. This is my personal take, but I am strong proponent of economy of words in poetry because I think that's when it is the most impactful (and of course we are always learning & practicing so I am unable to achieve this 100$ of the time).
In contrast, the second poem is a lot more stream-of-consciousness and there is a lot to parse from this. I also feel that the questions detract from the poem - a few are fine, but there are too many here. I am also confused by this:
"vanilla bean" just seems very out of context and too random. There is nothing else linking "vanilla bean" imagery-wise or otherwise. Remember your intent and purpose in poetry.
Overall, I really commend you two for writing about love - it is such a difficult feeling to describe since it's probably the most elusive and indescribable of them all. You have some strong lines and I see potential in these! Keep on writing.
All the best,
Lavvie
Vanilla bean was meant to symbolize pureness. Thank you, and I'll take what you said into consideration. :> @whatchamacallit
Thank you for the review Lavvie! Those are all helpful suggestions. Also, the reason they were published together is because we wrote them in the same sitting, but I see how that might be confusing if they're not quite fully related.
Hi MiniGem26 and whatchamacallit!
I thoroughly enjoyed both these poems. The way you were able to convey emotion using short sentences was wonderful! I also liked the way you created emphasis on the verbs at the beginning of each line by having them on their own.
I would love to read more of your work!
-Delirium Nervosa
Hi MiniGem26 & whatchamacallit!
Both these poem are so amazing. There was so much emotion and beauty in them. The first one had small lines and I liked the way you structured it especially the rhyme with that just one word at the end of every part. The imagery was so great. Comparing eyes with flames of candle's wick was so fitting. A person gazing into the fire(eyes) gets lost in the swirling, twisting flames that flicker back and forth, captivating and drawing people nearer(pardon me if I put too much unnecessary thoughts of mine into it)The entire poem has this mysterious emotions coming out and I really felt mesmerised. The flow was just perfect.
Though there were some typos like you missed spaces between some words like 'dead of','follow my','the murky','dare strike'. Not a big deal.
The second poem was more intense and I could feel the narrator was conveying some deep emotions. The way she was confronting those feelings is so appealing.
These lines are so beautiful. There is a conflict in the narrator's mind about the insecurities she has for her love but at the same time a sense of longing can also be felt. Love can be complicated at times. That feeling is surreal and beyond all worldly desires.
I am not very good with poetry stuff but I can surely say these both were great based on all the emotions conveyed here.
You both guys did very well. <3
Keep writing:)
Really great poems, Gem(and whatcha)! I especially like the second one, it's very emotional. Well done!