A/N: There's a break between this part of the chapter and part 1.
Falyn didn’t remember falling asleep, but when she opened her eyes she was lying on the floor again. This time she was facing the wall with the window. Akia was standing there, staring out the window. Her back was to Falyn, but Falyn could tell that she wasn’t as strong as she had seemed through the whole journey. Something was bugging her.
After looking around and seeing that Mina was sleeping, Falyn got up and made her way to Akia. The sky outside had turned dark, but not yet dark enough for it to be night. She estimated that it might’ve been around dinner time thanks to the pangs in her stomach.
“How did it get like this?” Akia asked, her eyes still trained on the dirt mound outside. She laughed and shook her head. “I thought that if I could just hide the locket from Rhys and find a way to keep him out of Lightport, we would have the time to come up with a better plan. Now we’re locked up and he’s out there destroying the world. That’s two worlds that I’ve been pushed out of.”
Falyn sighed and leaned her head against the window. It was made of glass rather than bars. She was thankful to have something to keep the cold out. If only it could keep the truth from freezing Akia’s heart. No matter the reaction, Falyn knew that she had to tell Akia everything.
“How much do you know, Akia?” she asked. She didn’t dare look back for the answer.
“About what?”
“Everything!” Falyn responded. Then shook her head and started over. “I mean, how much do you know of what happened this morning? I heard that you were off in Vertfay and weren’t going to be back for a while. Did you get back in time for everything that happened?”
Akia touched Falyn’s shoulder, forcing Falyn to turn and face her. “Tell me everything. I need to know.”
Falyn told her about her conversation with Aidan, about how he knew that Rhys was going to attack that morning. She left out the part about how he had worked for Rhys. She figured that was a story to tell during a good sibling chat.
She explained how Zeke trained her to move a box and then proceeded to talk bad about everyone. When she got to the part where George came in with Mina, she talked delicately. She didn’t want Akia to react too harshly. When she snuck a look at Akia though, Akia’s face was still. Either she already knew about George or she didn’t know how to react.
“And then Zeke transformed into Rhys,” Falyn continued. “Well, I guess Rhys just got rid of his disguise really, because now I doubt that Zeke was ever even real.”
“He is,” Akia responded, turning back to look out the window. “That is, of course, unless Rhys got rid of him too.” She lowered her head, then brought up her fists to slam them against the window. Falyn jumped. “I can’t believe Rhys did that to us! I expected him to fight eventually, but I didn’t think that he’d aim so low as to mess with our friends.”
Falyn was still hung up on one part of Akia’s answer. “You’re saying that Zeke is real? So is it possible that Rhys was just pretending to be him while he was training me and the real Zeke was traveling with us this entire time?”
Akia laughed softly. “Falyn, I know exactly what it feels like for Rhys to take someone from you. We’ve experienced different situations, but our feelings are the same. Soon you’ll learn to turn your grief into hatred and you won’t care anymore what Rhys did to you. You’ll only want to kill him.”
Despite how well she thought she knew Akia, Falyn felt like she was finally sharing the real her. Not only was she still mourning over the loss of her father, but she was fighting for revenge every day of her life. No wonder she was so bent on finding Falyn and bringing her back to fight. Akia wanted the best chance to get rid of Rhys.
Falyn nodded. “I understand. But now it’s hard because all I can think of is how Rhys played me this entire time. He convinced me to trust him. And I might’ve actually… I might’ve even fallen for him.” She hid her head in her hands as if it would get rid of the shame. She hadn’t had time to even think about it since the reveal, but now it forced a shiver down her spine. The same man who tortured her not even a week ago had made her fall for him as he pretended to be someone else. Who had she really thought Zeke was?
Everything was beyond twisted in Lightport. Why couldn’t it have been easy and straightforward? She had agreed to go because of the Warrior that tried to kill her. She thought that she would be protected in Lightport, when in reality that’s when her life got turned upside down.
What would it have been like if I stayed in Agathi? Falyn wondered. She’d still be living with Archie, still suffer through school trying to make it into extra schooling, still walk through the market searching for Sam. Would she be still looking for him? If she had said no, she was sure he wouldn’t have surrendered his life back in Lightport just to keep her safe. He was at home here with Akia by his side.
Nothing was going to go Falyn’s way, even if she had made a different decision. Her future was already doomed from the time she was born. She wasn’t going to sit back and feel bad for herself. Not anymore.
With a new found confidence, she turned to Akia. “We’ll get out of here,” she said. Of course she had no idea how they would get free, but she wasn’t about to tell Akia that. “You just wait. We’ll figure out something. Let’s wake up Mina and start brainstorming.” When she turned, she realized it wasn’t necessary to wake up Mina. She was already standing, nearly disappearing into the wall, with Rhys and George staring into the cell.
“You guys aren’t going anywhere,” Rhys snarls. “Give it up. I’ve won.”
Falyn stared. She couldn’t believe how different he sounded now that he was no longer pretending to be Zeke. She remembered the voice from the last time he captured her, but after learning that he was there with them the entire time, she couldn’t get it out of her head. He had been so nice to her, even made her trust him. Somewhere inside of him, that same boy was there.
“George,” Akia squeaked. “How could you?” She had turned her gaze to him and Falyn could see tears in her eyes. George, however, was avoiding her eyes. He stared at the floor with an expressionless face. How could he just stand there and ignore Akia?
Rhys slammed his hand against the bars. “This isn’t a happy little reunion. I’m tired of this fight and I’ve come to end it.”
“Then why are you standing around talking?” Falyn interjected. “Where’s the action?”
Mina spoke in such a small voice that Falyn almost didn’t hear her. “Don’t give him any ideas.”
“He doesn’t need any ideas,” Akia said. “He has enough in his twisted mind to get rid of all of us. And now he has a kid with him who’s a master of deception, someone who doesn’t care whose soul he destroys along the way.”
For the first time, George met Akia’s gaze. His face was pale and judging by the empty look in his eyes, he hadn’t forgotten about his friendship. “I did what I had to, Akia. You can understand that, I’m sure.”
“Since when?” Akia snapped. “How long have you been on his side? Were you there when he murdered my father? Were you really from Pollume or did he just hide you along with his pesky Warriors and gift you the powers of a seer? Oh, and what about Layna? If you dragged her into your idiotic plans I don’t know what I’ll do to you.”
George shook his head quickly. “No, she has nothing to do with this. She knew that I was up to something, but she didn’t have any proof.”
“Those were the secrets she was talking about,” Falyn muttered, remembering the speech Layna had given about working together just the day before. Her threats to George revealed that there was something more to him than any of them knew. This was it.
“Yes,” he responded. “I was never good at keeping secrets. You know that, Akia.” He seemed to be trying to push his luck, to make her forgive him. But she wasn’t having any of it. She stood tall with her arms crossed, the occasional tear running down her cheek. Her eyes were red and she kept blinking furiously.
Did George really think apologizing was going to make the situation any better? He should’ve just owned up to his mistake and let Akia feel whatever way she was going to feel. He could try all he wanted, but she wouldn’t accept a word he said.
“Now that we’ve got all of that settled,” Rhys said. “We’ll just be going now.” He turned to leave, George following suit.
“Wait!” Falyn called out. “Why did you come down here? Just to make Akia upset? That’s pretty low, especially for you.”
Rhys chuckled and walked back toward them. “I actually do have a message for you, my dear Falyn.”
She had to grab the bars to keep from reaching through them. Her knuckles turned white as she said, “Don’t talk sweet to me. You already wasted enough time doing that, pretending to be some poor kid you probably murdered.”
He waved a hand dismissively. “Zeke is still out there. I hid him fairly well. And don’t worry, I’ll let him go now that I’m done with him. The trick is finding him.” He winked at her, which only added to her temper. She was going to find the real Zeke once they had a free chance, just so she could protect him from Rhys. She wasn’t about to let Rhys steal away anyone else, much less the same kid twice.
“Now for the real reason I’m down here,” Rhys continued. “I just wanted to be gracious and let you know what’s going on while you three are rotting down here. You see, my Warriors have invaded Lightport and are currently fighting through every last person you threw out to shield yourself, Akia.”
“I’m using no one as a shield,” Akia growled. She gripped the bars so hard that Falyn feared they may break. “Whoever is up there fighting is fighting for their magic and their world. None of this is about me.”
“Ah, but it really is,” Rhys sang. “You see, you’re the one without powers here. You have no way to defend yourself. Everyone around you now has to work twice as hard to keep me away.”
“And we’ll use every ounce of our power to do so,” Falyn said.
Rhys’s eyes never left Akia’s. “Whatever you say. Just know, daughter of Kit, that I will stop at nothing until your world here is destroyed and you have nothing left.”
Akia’s face fell. “I have nothing left already. There’s nothing you can take from me.”
“Then I’ll just have to take something from them, then.” Rhys turned to face Falyn and Mina. Falyn hadn’t realized her sister was standing there until just then. “Agathi has already been taken over. I have all of the mages power finally.”
Falyn gasped, too horrified to say anything. Mina took charge and jumped in. “How could you? That’s your home world and you destroyed it! Don’t you have any feelings in that small heart of yours?”
Rhys’s eyes lit on fire. “Believe me, if I did, I wouldn’t waste it on a world that gave me no chance. They’re the reason I’m stuck doing what I’m doing now. I’m going to prove them wrong. And when the Othir sees what I can do, they’ll have no choice but to bow to me. Unless they want to do so six feet underground.
“Now come, George. We have other matters to deal with.” Rhys didn’t even give them a look as he turned and stomped up the stairs. George tried once more to get Akia’s attention, but she ignored him. He gave her a sad smile anyway before following Rhys out.
The girls were once again left in silence. Mina groaned and plopped back onto the floor. Akia returned to her perch at the window. Falyn stayed where she was, hands clasping the bars and forehead resting between them. The news still hadn’t truly hit her. She heard the words that Rhys said, but the sentences weren’t connecting in her mind. Agathi had been her home, the world that gave her a chance. It couldn’t just be gone.
One thing was for certain: with Agathi gone, if they lost Lightport they’d lose everything.
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For the LMS contest. Word count: 2,202. I went over again, sorry. There's no good place to split another time.
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129,434 Literary Works • 671,505 Reviews
Timmy here!
So I guess I'm going to be repeating what the others said a bit, but you should look over the first bits of this and consider taking out quite a bit of it. The first paragraph plus a bit more seemed extraneous to me, not moving anything forward except telling us what we already know.
I think it could've started here, but with a bit of detail thrown in about Mina being asleep. How you told us was clunky, so I'd suggest scrapping it and re-writing that sentence.
I would've started it there. ^^ Although that isn't a very engaging first sentence, but everything before seems superfluous.
Meh. To be honest, this is a really boring way of telling us that she's hungry. I mean, it gets the job done and tells us how she feels, but I think you could've done a better job describing her hunger. Especially because it tells us absolutely nothing, and hunger has nothing to do with time, really - not in her condition. Think about it. She hasn't eaten in so, so, so long, or at least how I remember everything happening. So I think she'd be hungry from the time she'd gotten into the cell and it'd have nothing to do with the time of day. Especially if you consider that she'd done all that physical work with her intensive training with Zeke. Magic is tiring, you know.
I'm also a bit confused about Akia. Okay, you need to bear with me here. The way Akia talks of Rhys here - it seems so much different from how I remember her talking before, like there was a switch flipped in her mind. I know Rhys has taken her powers, taken everything she has. But still, it seems so... odd. Before, she never said she wanted to kill him, that she hated him. It was almost as though a part of her lingered on the Rhys she once knew, and that hope kept her hand and hatred from being fully unleashed at him. So perhaps there needs to be more of a transition to that? Or maybe Falyn needs to notice it, so we see that it's not an error on the author's part, but a change happening in Akia. The other option is that I'm seeing things other readers don't. xd
Another problem I'm having here is George. He sounds so confused in this chapter, acting as though he's asking for Akia's forgiveness... but at the same time, still going and doing all of this with Rhys. He also doesn't strike me as a person who'd work with Rhys, but he does seem weak. So what would be the motive to make him turn over to Rhys? He said so himself he hadn't been working with him for too long. And he also said that "I did what I had to do" - another point of confusion for me. What did he have to do? I think I'm swimming around in a bit dark waters here, unsure of what's going on with his character. Perhaps this was all explained in previous chapters? I don't think it was, though, because I would've remembered it. You need to give us a bit more information on George here, just so we have something to grasp with his character. c:
Again, you need to use more sentence variety. In this chapter, not only are so, so many of them short, they seem to all bear so much similarities that your chapter doesn't read as smoothly as it could. Especially towards the end, the sentences looked as though they were all cut from the same template, without much variety from that one type of sentence. So it isn't a big deal, really, and you shouldn't panic and do re-writes of everything for that one little thing, but I would keep an eye on it and remember: sentence variety. I noticed you using fun punctuation throughout this piece, so that's always one way to spice them up. The biggest issue I saw, though? - the sentence length. They're just too short. Conjunctions are amazing, remember.
I don't have anything else to say on this! I hate being the last reviewer, because there's never much to say, and with so many amazing reviewers ahead of me, everything's been gobbled up. But there wasn't much to say, anyway. This isn't your best written chapter, Noelle, but you did a very good job on it. I especially love this further insight into Rhys aaand that Zeke does exist! Maybe Falyn will have her guy, after all. xd
Although, Agathi.
~Darth Timmyjake
Hello there! I think this was the last one I got to pre-read, so my extensive knowledge ends here.
Quick thing: Deanie mentioned the first sentence was essentially starting the obvious, as Falyn knows what is wrong, but I do want to reiterate that. It mostly seems unnecessary and a rough start, or even jus transition because it makes Falyn seem so oblivious, forgetting falling asleep and that Akia lost her magic.
So, I'll start off with the nitpicks and then go broad again, like normal ^^
You didn't hide it, Akia. You kind of lead him right to it? So, yeah, the point here is that Akia is feeling remorseful and stupid, like she should, but it is her fault that he's here again. He may have known how to get into Lightport, but you kind of gave him the locket. Which sucks for you, but it may help to express some of that in her following dialogue, about how he made it in anyway.
Also, she's saying all of this while wistfully looking out the window, but I think in the last chapter, Falyn mentioned she could only see dirt while looking out that window. So, how can she be reflecting on how her world now 'looks like this' when she can only see dirt. She doesn't know what's going on. Or do they see something different and I completely misunderstood (and that would be something to fix in the last part...) I'm quite confused.
Alright, so this is of course Falyn talking, but I totally do not remember Falyn ever learning this on her own. Who told her? It's a little confusing, because so much else has happened, and Falyn's never thought about it, like "I hope Akia is okay in Vertfay..." so it made me believe she was ignorant to that. Perhaps it may be more helpful to have more of a question about it rather than a statement and have Akia confirm?
Alright, this was another place which confused the Wolf (out of many >.> ), because it was so sudden. They were talking about what Akia knew, and I thought Falyn was asking before what Akia knew, but then Akia turns to Fayln and asks her. It just seems like a really sudden transition. At first, I believed Falyn said it to Akia, but apparently not. Long story short, it's too sudden and confused the hell out of me. Perhaps some buffer to it? Make Falyn confused? Didn't Falyn want answers and she didn't question it? Did I read it wrong? The world may never know.
[quote]If she had said no, she was sure he wouldn’t have surrendered his life back in Lightport just to keep her safe.[quote]
Final (I think) spot which confused me here was this. Over all, it feels clunky and awkwardly worded for such a simple concept. Couldn't Falyn have just said to herself that Sam would have left with Akia even if she refused.
(And didn't Falyn think about the fact that they needed her? That they wouldn't have take no for an answer? Because they've devoted their entire lives to this cause, so her stubbornness wouldn't have mattered and Akia would have gotten all over Falyn for it... More naivity, I guess.)
I had a quote for this, but decided against it, as it's not really a nitpick. The moment Akia was told about George and his traitor ways, one, why did Fayln tell now, because nothing really changed, and two, there was no reaction. Obviously. That's not the problem, but Falyn isn't shocked or surprised. She was so keen to avoid stepping on Akia's toes and keep her calm, expecting an explosive result (crying or frustration) but got nothing and she didn't question it? Not even an "Are you okay?" kind of deal? All that talk about protecting Akia's feelings and Falyn didn't consider she already knew/wouldn't react/could handle it because she's to distraught with other issues? It just doesn't make much sense why she skirted around it in the first place and why she wasn't shocked. -- Then later, Akia lets it out to George. Strange xD
So, it seems that Akia is so sure that Zeke is real when Falyn asks if he is. How? I don't get how she would be, considering she didn't know him until the truck incident and she thought she was some stranger. So how is she so sure that he's a real person. Of course, we find out form Rhys that he is indeed real and alive, but it doesn't seem like Akia would know at the time. Or was it mentioned to her earlier on?
When Falyn finally realizes that she kind of understand Akia, her revelation is so short about it. I mean, Falyn has been struggling with herself to get to know these people, and when she thinks she does, everything starts crumbling again. So it would be a big deal to finally see Akia's true self, and she just kind of blows it off. Huh? I feel like it would be better expanded slight so we also get a feel for how Falyn now sees Akia in this new light. Don't pass up this opportunity of further characterization in the eyes of other characters!
I feel like after Akia and George had their moment about how George did what he had to do and all that lovely stuff, it was strange to have Rhys just leave. Why even make Falyn have to say anything? It's just a little unnecessary space and makes Rhys look like that much more of a douche.
Okay, why did Rhys come down in the first place? He said that he had a message for Falyn, but didn't actually deliver that message, and just came down to gloat? It definitely seems more like an opportunity for Rhys to just let us readers know what's going on rather than for his benefit, and I doubt Rhys would do anything that isn't for his benefit :3
Hooray for more tension! It seems like you're building everything up nicely and I'm just waiting to judge that ending you are planning >.> Sorry if I don't have much specific praise, but do know I'm loving every minute of it ^^ Hope I'm helping some and happy writing,
~Wolfare
Hi Noelle!
I feel a bit guilty about reviewing this because I read it a while ago, made some notes and only have just gotten back to it. I apologise for my reviewing being so inconsistent, my schedule is a bit crazy at the moment :/ But alas, I am here and this chapter is pretty good. I did like how we have them all in one room and they seem to be having a difficult time getting on. We're getting to see Akia at her worst state, Mina trying to maintain any sense of the peace that they have left and Falyn is trying to understand what has happened. And just at that moment Rhys has to pop in with George who tries to sugarcoat everything with just one! I can't imagine how angry I would feel if I was Akia in that situation... And I think you handled the conflict well.
I am going to be honest and say that it did sound a bit young sometimes. I felt like if we took the conversation out of context it could even be like some children squabbling over a toy or something. Now that might be a bit harsh, but I feel like the whole thing came from the idea of picking 'sides.' That's usually what kids do. I know what you mean here - they have a pretty distinct good side and bad one, but my suggestion would be to try and avoid using that word. Just say things like since when have you been working with him or something like that. I think it might do the trick and make the whole argument seem a bit more mature again.
Another thing I was thinking about is when Falyn said that her future was doomed anyway. But the only one who gave her that information was George and we can be assured that he isn't too much of a reliable source after all. He might've said that just to scare her out of something... I am not sure. But I don't know if he really ever saw that Falyn is going to die. And even if he did, I think Falyn would at least be smart enough to contemplate the possibility that her life might be in her own hands. And I think she would want to believe it herself as well because does want a better life where she gets to live. So maybe you could have that internal conflict shown in there as well. I'm not sure if she will be outright and ask George about the vision - maybe she gets too nervous and her voice closes up or something. Either way, I want to get this turmoil running through her mind, even if she decides it isn't even worth asking about in the end.
Oh, and has everyone forgotten about Dorrin? When Rhys burst in I was expecting him to be there since Dorrin has been with him all the time till now. But we don't really see him or hear from him in any way, so I am assuming her just isn't there. I know the girls are in shock, but they had recovered enough to try and think of an escape route. So maybe one of them would question where Dorrin is, or you could have one of them think about it instead.
That's all I can really say involving story here. Just a few nitpicks!
In the first two sentences we have a close repetition of the word window. I feel like the second sentence isn't even necessary. I know she is facing the wall so I am going to assume as a reader that she is standing, and you've already told us where she is in the previous sentence so I would just get rid of it. And as for Falyn, she does state the obvious a bit here. I mean, she knows her powers have been drained, so of course something is borrowing her. It had to happen...
Close repetition of eyes! I would suggest making the first sentence something like 'could see tears forming'.
I don't feel like sharing is the correct word here. Maybe 'seeing' or 'knowing' the real her for once. That seems more suitable!
Okay, that is all I have to say. This story is very much heating up and I am basically seeing no solution to the size of this problem yet. Also, I know the title should've made sense before, but I only just got it when Akia mentions being pushed out of two worlds xD I think I might be a bit slow. I'll read the next chapter soon!
Deanie x
Tricks and treachery!
So I am coming into this late. I want to start off by stating that I have not read any of the 36 chapters leading up to this so I am going in blind. Please forgive me if I offer unneeded advice due to ignorance of your story.
I did not notice any typos or spelling mistakes in this but I will be honest, neither of those areas are my strong suits. Over all I thought your writing very good. The only thing I might mention is that the dialogue was not super original.
An example;
How could you? That is about as cliche as any line I have ever read. He is evil. That's how he could.
They never saw his potential, he's going to show them all. They will bow to him. This is a classic villain speech. I recognize it because I have wrote it myself, I have also read it about a hundred times. It's a tale as old as time but there is a reason people use it. It works, so if you want to ignore my advice that is fine because, as well used as that speech is, it still works.
On a different note, nice work with the characters. In just from one chapter I can see your have given each one a distinct personality.
Akia- Driven, tough, perhaps more shut off at times.
Falyn- More open to friendship, perhaps more emotional.
George-Weak, guilt-ridden, possibly not as bad as he seems.
Rhys- Evil.
To be able to portray such a wide variety of traits in a single chapter is impressive. I am envious.
Well, there really isn't anything else I can say. This is well written, you obviously know what you are doing, keep up the good work.
-DG