He stood at the window, watching the three comrades run off toward the woods. A smirk danced across his lips as he imagined them thinking that they were safe. It soon disappeared. Akia knew better than that. She wasn’t dumb enough to think he’d leave them alone.
The door squeaked, alerting him that someone had entered the room.
“Make it brief,” he snapped.
“Rhys, Sir,” a deep voice said from behind him. “The prisoners have escaped.”
Rhys chuckled and turned to face the Hund Warrior standing in the doorframe. He couldn’t tell which warrior it was. The all looked the same, it didn’t really matter.
“You mean these three?” Rhys motioned out the window. “You think I don’t know that? That’s the plan. We can’t keep them here forever; nothing will get accomplished.”
The Hund Warrior looked at him with a puzzled expression. He opened his mouth as if he was going to say something, but no words came out.
“It’s not a hard concept,” Rhys said. “Really, it’s quite simple. We capture them, shake them up a bit, make them think we’re closer to succeeding than we may actually be. Then we let them go and they’ll lead us right to what we want. They’ll be so paranoid that they will want to protect the thing that’s most important to them.”
“And what exactly is that, Sir?”
A wide grin spread across his lips. “Their loved ones.”
“Sir?”
“You are dismissed,” Rhys said, shooing the Warrior from the room. The Warrior tilted his head forward in a slight bow and then left the room. Rhys returned his gaze to the figures below and watched them as they hurried away from the building. The littlest one, the moonstar, stopped to catch her breath. But Akia grabbed her arm and forced her onward.
They could run all they wanted; they’d just wear themselves out. There was no place that they could hide from him. His plan had been started, the seed had been planted. There was nothing that any of them could do to stop him for achieving his goals. Not even the great Akia Noyes had anything on him. She knew him too well; it was her only flaw.
What he hadn’t accounted for though, was the shrimpy boy who joined their little group. His name – Sam, wasn’t it? He was more than Rhys had bargained for. His annoying interest in both Akia and the moonstar would most likely cause problems later on. Rhys couldn’t get to either of the girls as long as Sam was there.
The door swung open with a squeak again, but this time Rhys was expecting it. He turned and looked at the man standing in the doorway.
“You’re early.”
“As I always am,” the tall man replied, tipping his olive green hat to Rhys. “You requested I come in?”
“Yes, do sit, Niro.”
The man took a quick look around the room before sitting in the chair opposite Rhys at the desk. Rhys was annoyed by this motion. The man was here on official business; he needn’t examine every room of the bunker.
“I understand you have a job for me.” Niro sat tall and proper across the desk. He was dressed formally in a white button down shirt and brown suit jacket. His black hair just barely peeked out from beneath the brim of his hat.
“That is correct old friend,” Rhys replied, all annoyance gone. “And don’t make me regret choosing you.”
Niro narrowed his eyes and slammed his hands on the desk. “You didn’t choose me, I chose you.” His voice was slow and controlled, no indication of anger. But Rhys could tell that the fury was building up inside of him. “And I never fail to complete a job. You want me, you got me.”
Rhys’s lips turned up at the corners. “Then you will have no trouble killing someone for me.”
Niro relaxed, sitting back and crossing his arms. “If you need it done, I’ll do it.”
Rhys nodded and turned to look out the window once again. The three kids were still running, convinced that they had escaped the terror. They couldn’t have been more wrong.
“Come see,” Rhys said, motioning for Niro to join him. The man stood reluctantly and looked out the window. “See those two girls? The taller one is the one I need; the one with the brown hair. Take her out. I don’t care how you do it. I want her dead.”
“Why her? What makes her so special?”
“She’s the driving force behind everything at Lightport,” Rhys responded. “Get rid of her and the whole operation fails.”
“But what about the moonstar?” Niro asked. “She’s more important than this other girl, don’t you think?”
Rhys only shook his head. “Without Akia, the moonstar is lost. She doesn’t understand why she’s special.” He chuckled. “What’s the use of having a savior if she doesn’t know what she is supposed to do?” Rhys turned again to look out the window. Niro soon stood and joined him.
They watched in silence as the kids got closer to the woods. They seemed to be running faster than before, Akia in the lead, which didn’t surprise Rhys. A young man brought up the rear, keeping pace with the pack. Rhys recognized him immediately.
Just before they dove back into the woods, the young man stopped. He watched the girls disappear into the trees before turning to face Rhys. Despite the fact that the distance was far, they locked eyes. The young man nodded and held up four fingers before heading back into the woods.
Rhys smiled a cool smile and turned his back to the window.
“Was that supposed to makes sense?” Niro asked.
“To me, yes,” Rhys replied. Niro stared at him, eyebrows raised.
“And?”
Rhys sighed. “In due time, my good friend; all in due time. You finish your job and I’ll give you the information you request. Kill the girl, but not until you find the location of the locket. Her death will mean nothing if the secret dies with her.”
“The locket,” Niro said slowly. “Do you still have the powers stored there?”
“Yes,” Rhys responded, crossing his arms. “I have them all. But there is still one world I need to drain powers from. My job is nearly done.”
Niro nodded and bowed his head slightly. Without another word, he left the room, leaving a cloud of silence in his wake.
Rhys took out a notebook from the top drawer of the desk. A half dozen pens lay scattered below it. He chose one at random, opened the notebook to a blank page and wrote:
4 days. Lightport. Destroy.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
Hey, Noelle! I am here to review, and I'm actually early. (I said in an eon, right? Or was it a millennia? Anyway, it's only been a month or so, so I'm here within the time limit.)
This is an interesting switch up. Instead of Falyn or Akia, we have Rhys. The meanie villain who is trying to take something from them. It's nice to see from his viewpoint, but it seems a little late in the novel to see from his point of view. While we had just met him, it was sort of abrupt an unexpected. Though it was really cool, and I do hope we see from him more often. Otherwise, this chapter would be really out of place.
Even though they do look the same, shouldn't we know what they look like? Are they wearing masks of some sort?
His plan is interesting, however it doesn't really make much sense right now. (Perhaps it's because I am slightly tired.) He wanted a locket, right? If the rest of the group is too worried about the moonstar, then Rhys has time to search for the locket or something like that. I do love to see the motives for the antagonists.
This makes me wonder. Does he need to know his opponents back to front before advancing? He could probably take Sam out with a flick of his finger, then kill Akia, and do whatever else he wants to do.
Have I ever mentioned how much I love the names you use in your writing? They're be well known names like Sam and Zeke, then there will be names like Rhys, Akia, and Falyn. (I notice in fantasy novels that they'll have one or two characters with "normal" names.)
Comma between "correct" and "old friend."
I really hope that the young man isn't actually working for Rhys. >.> And that he's like, a double agent whose actual loyalties lie with the moonstar. Because that could mean trouble for the rest of the crew. (What am I saying? It does mean trouble for the rest.) The fact that Rhys didn't even question Zeke being apart of the group bothers me. He's probably the spy, if I have anything to say about it. I don't think he would be worried about Sam if Sam was apart of his gang of bad guys.
This is getting really interesting, and I should probably review this more often. Keep on writing and may your characters have reasonable flaws and may your plots flow.
~Adrian
Hello, Noelle! I am here with yet another review! Let us see what we have right here...
When you started this, I was really confused on who this character was because you didn't state who it was like you usually do. I like the use of pronouns at the beginning to make it mysterious and all but I think you should state who the character is so that the reader is not as confused.
I think the description of the office that the villain is in could be shown in a lot more detail. I really want to see the office just so I can get to know him better. An office just shows the character's preferences and tastes and overall the kind of person they are. Like if a villain has an office that is dark and mirky, then I can assume that the villain may have that sort of a personality. Now if it isn't located on his office, you can see that you didn't describe it well enough so that I can even imagine the location he is in. All I know is that he is in a location above where the victims are escaping.
I really like Rhys's character and his name is super cool. How do you even pronunce his name? It has like no vowels in it. All that Rhys is missing is some sort of backstory or background knowledge on his past and why he hates everything that is probably good(though the good guys could end up being bad guys).i love his sarcastic nature and he is the kind off character that I would like to write. I adore how he is like okay, so we aren't going to win against them at all but we will still pretend like we are ready. Genius. I am very happy with this new perspective and character.
Keep calm and keep writing
KatyaElefant
Timmy here!
That happened to me. But I am going off topic...
This review will be short and to the point. Not much to be said here.
I think this was a refreshing change of viewpoint, and one that helped push the story along. Many people do this to give the reader an insight into the villain's mind, something to help them either relate to that character or merely give them a closer look at their intentions, their style, personality, etc... Whatever the case you did it for (although I think the main reason was to show the exchange between Zeke and Rhys without any of the "good guys" knowing about it), I definitely approve, because this was a delightful read. And it was a little shorter, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I like how your chapter lengths vary. Shows that you cut them off at every scene closure, not when you have reached a certain length. I do notice that as you go further on, though, your chapters get too long for one posting.
I have one complaint here, and it's something that's pretty much mirrored by everyone else who reviewed it, but I don't think they really expanded on this. You don't do a very good job painting the picture of this scene - sorry, just this little bit. There are a few things that are very cloudy to me. So, first, the window he looks out to see them.... Where is it? I mean, is he just looking out at them straight on, is he screwed off to one side, is he up on a tower like ledge? There are so many places you could have gone with that part there to give us a better image. Don't forget the details, either. Think of the details of the little things us readers can grab hold of while we read through - like dust on the window, obscuring his vision a bit. Perhaps a spider on the sill - or the lack of dust and dirt of any kind to show his cleanliness. And, second, their distance from the forest and the forest in general... It was all pretty blank to me. I could envision the forest, of course, because I have seen them billions of times - so preinstalled images available. But as far as their running and them getting close and stuff... not enough for me. When I read through, I thought that they were running towards the forest for a long, long time. Because almost the entire way through, they were trying to get to the forest while Rhys either schemed or talked about them.
forward isn't necessary, as the tilting of the head is already doing the head bob thingy.
The italicized part is telling, while the bolded part is showing. You don't need both. ^.^ Personally, I would change this to read something like: Niro sat back and crossed his arms, because it shows his relaxation and stuff, and leaves out the unnecessary telling.
O_o Oh dear. Zeke is out to fool us all. I wonder what is going on now, whether he is really a part of the baddies or if he is just playing along with whoever will help him get wherever he wants. Perhaps he is really a Hund Warrior working for Rhys! Now that would be something, really fool Akia and Sam. But something puzzles me. If Rhys is on such good terms with Zeke, and has him seemingly working for him, why is he referred to as "young man".... Would he not know his name? Seems a little strange for someone he has working for him, to not call him by his name, but only "young man".
I really liked that line. <3 Perfect description and prosish writing there.
Those last few sentences. xD Now I have to hurry up with all my other reviewing requests and those novels I am behind on, because your story is really fun and interesting, and I wish I had more time for it. So, my apologies for the long intervals with no reviews from me, but I hope this will make up for it... somewhat.
Yet again, you did it with that last sentence, clutching out attentions until the next chapter - or the next page - and what comes next. I love that incessant ability of yours. Every chapter seems to be a cliffhanger or some sort, you know. Just one of those things you are so good at.
I wish I could say more, but I think if have over-rambled my welcome.
Onto next chapter. Soooon.
~Darth Timmyjake
I like this chapter a lot! It's terrible, but good. And Zeke is evil after all! I wish he wasn't, but you know.
So one thing I didn't really like about this, was the fact that we now know almost everything. OK, maybe not everything, but there isn't too much left to the imagination. Especially the fact that Zeke is, if not evil, still helping Rhys for what ever reason. Although that technically is a very good plot twist, we did expect it. And that doesn't give as strong a punch. I would have been more upset, and in awe, if Zeke had cozied himself into the group a bit more. And then two-thirds of the way through the story you could have implied that Zeke was a traitor.
However, that's just my thoughts.
I believe that 'button up' is the more common way of saying it.
I also noticed that this line could use some commas... at least, I think it could! When you're describing something, you normally want to place commas in between the different descriptions. Like this: There were red flowers, blue flowers, and odd vine like plants.
So we also found out that Falyn is some sort of savior! We knew that she was something special, but now we can understand just a little better; they're not only trying to keep her out of the wrong hands, they need her for themselves. I like it. But somehow I feel like Falyn's going to feel a bit used after all this. Especially since nobody's really told her what's happening... well, Rhys did. But he's the bad guy.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to reading more!
-Socks
Hi Noelle!
This chapter though D: Zeke is on the bad side! Oh man... poor Falyn, just as she chose to start trusting him and all... Argh the suspense. I am also interested to see if Rhys succeeds with the plan he has in mind. I mean, four days isn't very long, especially if he is planning on destroying a whole world. I wonder if he will manage it, or if Akia will manage to raise her bars higher than he expects and surprise them all.
Whoa, someone's been busy writing! Which is always a good thing of course
Again, you are making this very hard to leave meaningful comments on! I will try my best
He says Sam is going to be a difficulty he didn't expect. But it's not simply because it's another guy, like an extra bodyguard that Rhys has to deal with. For some reason, if Rhys feels like someone is more of a problem than he has bargained for, it wouldn't just be some other magician. Maybe mention that Sam is extra powerful, or something extraordinary and unique him that will get in his way of getting what he wants. (Oh no, please don't hurt Sam, him and Falyn have to get together first!)
These two sentences both end in the room. I think you could just cut those two words from the last sentence because that way it still makes a lot of sense, and they aren't really needed.
No 'been' is necessary in this sentence.
How could he tell this? You just mentioned how although his voice was very calm, Rhys is reading between the lines to see the anger. So tell us, what lines is he looking at. A slightly twitching of the hands, like he wants to curl them into a fist, or a sudden flare in his eyes which is also quickly dampened? Either way, let us see the little details other characters are picking up on too. Details are everything!
I don't get it though... Akia was just in Rhys's grasp, and she's the one he really needs. And seeing as Akia's family is dead, the only ones she could love are Sam and a small amount for Falyn too... so why not just kills Sam and Falyn then? Before killing her? In fact, I don't see the logic of Rhys waiting till they work their way to their loved ones, seeing as he isn't doing this because he is driven by spite, but more so to gain power. So having them watch whoever they love die will in no way actually benefit him? Hm, this is confusing... fill me in if I am missing anthing!
Let me know when the next chapter is posted!
Deanie x
Hey, here to give you the review I promised! So, like you said, this chapter does shed some light on things. Now I finally know what side Zeke is on! (I think, you might change it on me any moment. Lol, jk!
Anyway, I've read the other reviews, so I'll try not to repeat the same thing... Like one of them said, I like that we get a villain POV for the first time. Or have we had one from Zeke's POV, now that we know he's a villain? I can't remember... Anyway, I really like this chapter and the information you revealed. Now, this being the twelfth chapter, I can't remember exactly what you said about the locket before... (This is also just one of several books I'm reading, plus what I'm writing, so sometimes things just blend together) But even if you hadn't told us anything about the locket before, what you say about it here is still interesting and informative. Anyway, I don't have any complaints for this chapter, so good job! And so quickly too! I'm impressed. If I worked on my writing all day or anytime I wanted too, I would be this quick too! But unfortunately that's not possible, because if I did, my mom wouldn't be happy; I'd be on the computer or my iPod all day long! Lol. Anyway, (sorry for the rabbit trail there) great job, and keep going!
Hi Noelle. I'm new so bare with me. I really like your stories so far. You do a wonderful job at your character development. Zeke is something else. Well keep up the good work.
Hello Noelle, Wolf here for a review. (Hopefully you have faith in me this time)
You know, there are times in a novel when one's emotions get going, and this was one of those times. It's always a good thing when a person starts hating a character, or even the author itself. This is how I feel right now. Zeke, no, just no. I swear, I though he had a chance and you just made him a little-
Okay, not going into a rant. xD This was amazingly good, especially for getting it out so quickly after the last one. I was only confused at one spot, where Rhys mentions Sam being something he didn't account for. Though, it did get cleared up in the end when Zeke became that-
Haha, sorry about that. Also, the ending. I can understand why you added tha little part in there, but to me, it doesn't make sense as to why Rhys just wrote it down. I mean, he created this plan, so why does he have to write it down? Just seemed like the information was forces in there for the sake of the readers. Answers I wanted, I know, but that seems like an odd way of providing them.
Alright, one last thing. (I'm a liar, I know). When the trio were running away, how did Rhys see them the entire time? Didnt they dive into the woods? Or was this pushed back in time a bit? Anyway, loved it so much! Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Hello, glad you were so fast with this!
I've also already told you that, for the last few chapters I'm feeling like reading an actual novel, this one here is no exception.
What an interesting chapter. This is the first time we get a Villian POV, heh? You did reveal so, so much in this one, which is great. I had an assumption Zeke is either Rhys or Hund Warrior, so it might turn out I was right! xD Not sure how I feel about that, but its your story and it can go however you want it to.
I also love the new character. I can guess that he is some kind of a bounty hunter, mercernairy, from the way he talked to Rhys. It's obvious that he is not an subordinate. Also I've got a feeling like he might be having an interest of his own in all of this, tho I might be wrong. And adding the locket (it was done earlier, I know but you revealed more about it just now) is really giving in to all the assumptions reader can make. So it actually stores Rhys's power? Cool. He drains power from another worlds? What was that supposed to mean, I'm really eager to know!
Though I need to say there is something I can complain on. It is the lenght of the chapter. It just seems to short for an actuall chapter. I've got an suggestion; since there have been a few chapters so far since Falyn and Akia were captured(three or four) you might consider blending them in together. Make it all one, or two chapters max. since what happens inside might be looked upon as an entity in the story.
Alot of praise, not many complaints, anyway, great job and a good read, I'll be looking for more!
-Alchemist
Thanks! I'm gonna play around with the chapter lengths when I finish. But the chapters with Rhys and the villains are gonna be short cause I don't wanna dive into their lives too much. Just enough for the readers to see what they're doing. That's a trick I learned from a book series I read a little while ago