Falyn
"Wait, you’re telling me that the Seers were overrun and Pollume is just—gone?”
Akia sighed. “Pollume is still there. It’s known as Lightport now. And it doesn’t look exactly like what you see.”
It was early the next day and the five of them were heading through the woods. There was a path that started close to Sam’s house and continued through to the river that divided the two cities.
The sun had just barely risen and there was an orange tint to the sky. It was still cold so they all walked close together. Zeke was the only one off on his own. He trailed quite a distance behind them.
“So Pollume is Lightport,” Falyn said slowly, hoping to understand if she said it out loud. “And it looks completely different? Is that even possible? How long has this been going on?”
Akia rolled her eyes, something that she seemed quite fond of doing. “You can stop asking questions now. I told you, I’ll answer them all when we get there.”
“Fine.” Falyn mumbled. She really didn’t understand why Akia refused to give her any answers. But she was at least getting some answers. It was a start.
She took advantage of the silence that had fallen over the group to look around. The woods weren’t as exciting as they had seemed when she was growing up. She had never been in the woods before, but she had heard stories. Henry, one of Mina’s friends, once convinced her that there were bears and raccoons there. He also said that there were old barracks still standing from the Four Parts war.
But there wasn’t. Falyn didn’t see any bears or raccoons or barracks. There were only trees; trees and flowers. The trees were towering above them, creating protection. At the same time though, they seemed to be looming over them, threatening to overtake them and force them back towards the city.
Maybe she was the only one that felt that way. The rest of the group was walking on, heads held high and laughter on their lips. They seemed to feel that there was nothing to worry about.
Falyn felt someone squeeze her arm. She turned to face Mina next to her.
“You holding up okay? You don’t look so good.”
“Yeah I’m fine,” Falyn responded, lying through her teeth. “It’s just the Force. I can’t shake the feeling that they’re following us.”
Mina smiled and shook her head. “They’re far behind us. That memory spell would’ve held them through the night.”
“Great thinking by the way. Guess you really do belong in extra schooling.”
“Thanks, but none of that matters now,” Mina responded sadly. “I’ve learned all the magic I’m ever gonna learn.”
Falyn couldn’t help but feel sad for her friend. Falyn had no choice but the leave everything behind and escape. But Mina had a life ahead of her in Agathi. She knew that Mina was only being the supportive friend she had always been, but there was something else that told her Mina didn’t want to be traveling with them.
“You really didn’t have to come along you know,” Falyn said in an attempt to cheer her up. “I would’ve been fine going on my own.”
“Yeah, but I couldn’t let you go alone. Besides, I couldn’t trust my little sister to strangers! I’m here for you no matter what.”
Despite her sometimes passive nature, Mina was very loyal. And Falyn loved her for that. They weren’t sisters by blood of course, but they had felt like sisters from the beginning.
The two of them met in grade school. It was their first day and Falyn was less than excited to be going to school. She chuckled to herself as she remembered that day.
Her parents—or whoever they really were—were obviously annoyed by the situation. She was standing on the front steps, refusing to go into the building. She had thought that her parents would carry her into the classroom themselves. But they didn’t. They just stood there, aggravated with the whole situation.
Just as her father had grabbed her hand and turned to lead her back home, a girl clearly older than her came up to the front steps. She was dressed in a blue sundress and her hair was back in twin braids. It was Mina.
“Are you scared?” she had asked. “Don’t worry, stay with me and you’ll be fine. You won’t want to miss out on the double chocolate brownies for lunch.” Mina had held out her hand and Falyn took it. Together, they had walked into the school building.
From that point on, Falyn followed Mina everywhere. And Mina seemed to be perfectly fine with it. It didn’t seem to bother her that she had a shadow. If anything, she was enjoying it.
The two grew closer as the years went on. Falyn always found herself wishing that they would be in the same classes; although it was obvious that would never happen because of the age different. So when she was offered the opportunity to skip ahead in her education, she accepted without a second thought. It didn’t matter that she’d have to cram three years of magic into one. It didn’t matter that everyone would be bigger than her. All that mattered was that she had a friend; one that would never leave her side.
The path began to fade away as they pressed on. While it was made from clean, well placed rocks at the beginning, the rest of it was falling apart. Cracked rocks stuck out from the ground and soon enough there weren’t many left to even hint that the path was there. Falyn hoped that Akia knew where she was going.
“Hey, Falyn,” Zeke called out from behind them. She fell back in step next to him. “Do you want to know a secret about Akia?” Falyn hesitated before nodding.
Zeke leaned close to her ear and whispered, “She killed her father.”
“She killed—wait what?”
“Be quiet will you,” he hissed as Sam turned to look back at them. Falyn must’ve been louder than she had thought. “It’s not really common knowledge.”
“Then how do you know?”
Zeke shrugged. “I have my ways.”
Falyn looked ahead at Akia. She was walking arm in arm with Sam. They were laughing about something she couldn’t make out. They seemed so comfortable with each other.
Her stomach twisted in knots and her chest felt heavy. How was Akia able to be so close to Sam? Falyn had never been able to hand out with him alone; ever. And they were never super close. Akia seemed to have his heart though.
The more she thought about Akia, the less she believed what Zeke had told her. How could Akia be a murderer? Much less one that killed her own father. She had only known Akia for a short time, but she knew her well enough to judge her character. Akia was a headstrong kid who wasn’t going to back down from a fight. She knew what she wanted and she wouldn’t stop until she got it.
But she most certainly wasn’t a killer.
“I don’t believe you.”
Zeke scoffed and stuffed his hand in his pockets. “And why not? Because you think you know Akia? You’ve only known her for a few days.”
“I’ve only known you for that long too,” Falyn retorted. “How do I know I can trust you?”
“I don’t want you trusting people you shouldn’t.”
“Thanks for the advice, but I think I can figure that out by myself.”
Zeke only shrugged and looked away. He didn’t say anything else on the subject as they continued on.
They soon reached a clearing and decided to rest. Falyn was more than happy to take a break. Her legs were burning and she was sure there was a stick stuck in her shoe. She sat on a particularly large stone and kicked off her shoes. Sure enough, a few sticks fell out when she turned them upside down. How they had gotten there she had no idea.
“We only have ten minutes,” Akia announced. “We should get some rest and then head out again. It’s just a three hour walk from here to the river.”
Falyn didn’t care if they only stopped for a few minutes. She needed a break more than ever. Ten minutes was better than none. Besides, it would give her some time to talk to Sam. If only she could get him away from Akia.
“So how do you really feel about all this?” Mina asked, sitting next to her. “I know you said that you’re fine, but I don’t believe you.”
Falyn smiled and shook her head. “I feel like you’re just trying to get me to turn back and head home.”
“That would be nice,” Mina responded, grinning. “But really, I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
“Really, I’m fine. None of this really bothers me.” Falyn fell silent. As she was talking, dozens of thoughts flooded her mind.
It all had been pretty normal so far. There was a feeling she had, one she couldn’t describe. It made her want to believe everything that Akia was telling her. None of it sounded as outlandish as it should have.
But her father—was it possible that the man she had called father for years had just ben another face in the crowd; a stranger? She felt dizzy just thinking about it. The forest floor began to spin and there was a ringing in her ears. As much as she had put on a strong face, no pain could ever compare to losing the only family member she had ever known.
She sighed and turned to Mina. “Maybe I’m not alright. I don’t know anymore. It’s tough, ya know?” She looked across the clearing at Akia who was staring back at her. She held her gaze, hoping that Akia would look away first, but she didn’t.
“Did you ever notice anything weird about my father?” Falyn asked, turning back to Mina.
“Well,” Mina admitted. “He did always seem to be overprotective. You know, he always wanted to know what you were doing when.”
“But that’s what parents do, right? I don’t remember anything out of the ordinary.”
Mina pulled her into a hug. “You miss him don’t you?”
Falyn couldn’t take it any longer; she began to cry. The salty tears ran down her cheeks and fell to the ground, dispelling all the memories that made her want to leave and go back.
When she had emptied her body of tears, she took a shaky breath and composed herself. When she looked up, she saw Zeke looking at her. There was a smile dancing on his lips, one that he barely tried to suppress.
“Get that look off your face,” she snapped. Zeke only laughed and shook his head. Without another word, Falyn took off and stalked into the woods.
She prayed that no one would follow her. She wasn’t in the mood to talk.
“Buck up will you?” Came a voice from behind her. She didn’t have to turn around to know who it belonged to.
“I don’t want to talk to you.”
“And why’s that?” Zeke asked. “Because I laughed at you?”
“Because I don’t want to talk to you, okay?” Falyn whirled around to face him. He was staring back at her with the same look on his face that he had before. It only made the rage build up more inside of her. She stalked up to him certainly and smacked him across the face.
He didn’t stumble back or glare at her. Instead, he held a hand to his cheek and laughed.
“You’ve got some nerve. I wouldn’t have done that if I were you.” With that, he turned and walked back to the clearing. But not before she caught him wink at her.
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Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review! Let's see what we have right here!
Wouldn't it be to leave and not the leave in this sentence? Just a minor grammatical error I would like to point out that I noticed. (I finally found a grammatical error!
As usual, we find the problem with sentence structure, though not so much with imagery(good job, Noelle). I'm a little confused on the detail of Zeke leaving. Is he leaving them for good? If he leaves them, I would be happy for him because he has been abused by them way too much! Poor Zeke! Though Zeke is being rude to Akia at times, Akia deserves it a little bit. I am also curious about the LMS contest. What is that? I can see that you have to keep the word count under 2000 but why? Why Noelle?
I am really happy about the length of the chapters in this story. It really helps me to get a lot of information about the story and to stay interested at the same time. All these chapters deserve to be on the literary spotlight, that is for certain. You make walking down a forest interesting. Only a great writer is able to do something like that!
Also I can see that Falyn is clearly jealous of Sam and Akia's relationship about being close friends. So far in this novel, I totally ship Mina and Falyn and I ship Sam and Akia and then Zeke should be forever alone(or he should be shipped with icecream so he can eat it forever). If you darn to make this story EVEN MORE complicated with the love triangle/web thing, I'm going to have to rewrite all of my ships. GOSH DARN IT! Overall, I am really enjoying this story. Keep calm and keep writing!
Hello, Noelle! I am here to give you a (hopefully) helpful review!
Hm... Zeke is travelling by himself... What's the reason? Is he afraid of Akia? Or does could give us a glimpse into his personality.
Me saying that he might not want to be around people a lot.I'm still a little shocked... Pollume is Lightport? How is this going to be explained? *taps foot* I am waiting for an explanation. However, another question I do have is, "How is doing that going to work?" Because honestly I am sitting here scratching my head, wondering how that is going to happen. Some sort of magic covering seal thingy? Also, to side with Fay, I don't really understand why Akia is refusing to tell, too.
Just trees? The forest has more than trees and flowers, a lot more. http://dankoboldt.com/things-writers-know-woods/ Perhaps add a tinsy bit more? One, it would add a lot of description.
Oh, how I love description.Two, it would give the story a more realistic feel.Even though this is fantasy. However, hey! This is your story.Wow, um, I now feel really bad for Mina... There should always be more magic to learn! Aw, the story how they met each other was so cute!
...Bad Zeke. That's not exactly what happened. WE DO NOT NEED TO MAKE AKIA SEEM LIKE THE BAD GUY. What I am wondering know is how he knows. “I have my ways.” Yes, that helps us a lot, Zeke. *rolls eyes in characters direction* Anyways, I hope we find that out.
Soon, we better find out real soon...YOU GO, FALYN. Akia didn't do anything wrong! (I hope.)Well, that was... interesting.
I love the chapter and hope you keep on writing!
~Rae,
Timmy here!
There isn't much to say or nitpick here, as you have so many wonderful reviews below me, but I'll try and give you some helpful advice before I disappear. So you ready? Let's jam.
Okay, now walking through the woods isn't going to reveal some bears and raccoons to you - especially the raccoons. I have hunted woods around my home, and hunted the cascades, so many times I have lost count. And I have never, never seen a raccoon while walking. That doesn't mean they aren't there. Raccoons come out at night, so you wouldn't see them during the day. And bears... I have been hunting in "bear country" for years, and I have only seen two. Again, doesn't mean they don't exist there just because you don't see them. They are just very secretive, almost like a raccoon. So, yeah. Even though she may think that while walking around and not seeing any of those animals, it's unrealistic for the narrator to be saying that (even though this is third person limited), because it is still incorrect. You could say something like: Falyn assumed there weren't any bears or raccoons in the woods or something similar, because then it's her making the assumption, not the narrator stating a fact.
Comma after there
technical: age difference
So that is all I really have for technical stuff. You're pretty good at snatching them all before we get to them, so awesome. I love being able to talk about something other than little nitpicks.
I thought the part with Mina was long overdue, but placed in just the right part of the story so that it's relevant. It would have been strange for the narrator to tell that about Mina during the battle, or even before, because it would have been a strange place for that information. So as it was, perfect placement. I also thought it was the perfect length for the little backstory. Just enough to give us all the information we might want, but not too much. I wasn't bored when we reach the finish. So yay! I love it when I can read through backstory and be intrigued all the way through. Makes me be able to focus on the characters more, rather than yawning because it's dragging on and on. And it was nice to know that bit about Akia... and I wonder if it's true or if Zeke is just being bad right now. He is certainly a funny character. I don't know what to think of him half the time. We'll see as we go further into the story, though. Perhaps he is just playing for the cameras, so to speak, and is a different person altogether. He seems to be changing somewhat with every chapter, his personality warping to match the situation. We'll see how everything goes and where his character truly ends up at.
Sorry for short review. I gotta go and I don't have anything else to say here.
~Darth Timmyjake
Heeey Noelle. I have returned. If my reviews are terrible sorry, I'm a bit frazzled after the power went out last night till four a.m. So, I shall attempt to begin.
You need a comma after "overrun" i believe. Also, this is a big disappointment like Alchemist said. You made it sound like there was gonna be this big mystery the last chapter, and then this? I feel a bit cheated.
Umm . . . Noelle, you JUST told us t hat in the previous two sentences. We really don't need it spelled out that plainly.
"ben" should have been been. XD
So, Zeke is creepy, and possibly much more then we first thought. Mina is not very well-known and could be hiding something. so much mystery. Which is awesome. Also, just as a suggestion, you could put Falyn's memory of meeting Mina, in italics, just like you did Akia's flashback earlier, when she thought of her father.
I think that's all!
~Messenger
Hello!
Can I say that I'm a bit dissapointed that you discovered about Pollume so fast? It was such a great ending to the previous chapter; reading book, flipping page and learning about it in a matter of seconds wouldn't be that exciting.
But you had paid that out with the plot twists that are going to happen. Zekke changing here is quite a surprise. But I have to say that I never had a feeling so far that him and Akia are constantly arguing. I think you had that planned, and just brought it in here, but it wasn't really all that explained.
So this is overall an interesting chapter,also very well written and pleasant to read, but I think you have some gaps in the storyline/storytelling that you need to work on, like, maybe add more arguments in the previous chapter, and point it out so that their argumentation is more obvious.
-Alchemist
Hello.

- but on the other hand, there's a lot of unrealistic events ( not trying to be mean or anything ).
I liked the little history on Mina and Falyn, too. I thought it was quite cute! You stopped me when Mina said 'little sister', and I was like: "You didn't say anything about sisters, Noelle!" XP But then you explained yourself, and I laughed at myself.

Aw, I liked Zeke. Now I'm a bit concerned. But it certainly is an interesting plot twist!
This chapter had a very high level of drama. And I found it a little bit hard to believe. On one hand, Falyn got to grieving about her 'father' - which I was very happy to see
1. Zeke just out of the blue tells Falyn, Akia killed her father.
I found this unbelievable at first because Zeke had ( in the last couple chapters ) earned my trust, and now here he's spreading gossip about Akia? If you're turning Zeke bad ( or you know, he is bad already ) than I'm not sure why he'd blow his cover so fast. He's a smart dude, so I gather, and I think he'd think it through a little more. If he is bad, than he obviously has his motives... and, well, I don't think he'd throw it away so quickly.
...And there was something else I wanted to say on the matter, but I forgot. I'll let you know if I remember.
2. Falyn taking off into the woods.
This kind of thing, is a fantasy. And if it does happen in real life ( which of course it does ) people roll their eyes about it. I'm being serious; running away, screaming why you hate the world, slamming doors, all fall under the same category as anger brought-on daydreams. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying those kind of incidents don't happen, I'm saying when a bunch of them happen in one chapter... it's a little much.
3. The slapping of Zeke.
The same applies here. Personally I always cringe when someone decides to slap someone in books and movies alike. I'm not sure why. I think because Falyn doesn't know Zeke that well, it makes it a lot bolder of a action. I know it would take a lot more than someone laughing when I'm crying, to make me slap someone.
Does this mean Falyn shouldn't reacted to Zeke's weirdness? O course not! But I think it would be not as big a reaction. Also, I understand how easy it is to slip into a drama scene- I do that all the time! It's like your blood starts pumping, and those fantasies come to mind, and you just want to give the bad guy ( or, you know ) a what-for! It's very hard to stop that process... I should know.
Other than that, it was good! I want to see Lightport already, though.
Keep it up! Notice how pretty all the chapters look together?!
-Socks
Heya Noelle!
I can understand why she would but I hope it gets resolved soon :/
Ooh we are getting to see another side to Zeke here. I wonder why he likes toying with Falyn so much? I feel like this might be something that we figure out in future chapters! Also the reason behind him wanting Falyn to know Akia murdered her father... hm, I can't wait to know the reason. I am starting to wonder if her is on the good or bad side...
I really love how we get to know more about Mina and Falyn's friendship in this chapter as well. I liked the story, and I think it's a very realistic way to make friends. I don't know how much you wanted to stress this, but if you wanted to put more emphasis on it, then maybe you could even use a flashback so we get to know Falyn's emotions at the time as well, instead of her just remembering them. But that is up to you and how much importance their friendship holds in the chapter.
Poor Falyn is starting to feel jealous
Okay, a few nitpicks for you now that I am done fangirling about the story...
The repetition of 'answers' here was too close to each other. Maybe make it just one sentence? Like: Akia refused to give her any answers, but she was at least getting a few.
Shouldn't this be I couldn't entrust my little sister to strangers? Or if you wanted the trust to remain there, it should be with instead of to.
Small mistake, I think you mean 'difference' here instead.
I suggest you put an 'and' in between the doing and when at the end there.
Otherwise there is only one thing I might change in this chapter. We see her talking to Zeke and Mina, but what about Akia? She seems to randomly lock eyes with her, but what is happening for that time that she is? Maybe mention that she looked into her eyes and tried puzzling if she would ever do something as awful as killing her father. Make sure there is a reason for this eye contact moment. We don't talk to Sam but that is fine - I'd much rather know her thoughts about Akia. Maybe try talking to her again or something.
I am looking forwards to more! This chapter was a pretty flawless on it itself
Deanie x
Ooh!! I'm the first review! So, I love this chapter a lot too. You seem to make us love each chapter more than the last! So, Zeke's character is a bit confusing now. Is he good? Is he bad? I mean, earlier, I thought he was good, but now...after he said Akia killed her father, I'm confused! The only grammar error I noticed in this one was that you said "age different" rather than "age difference". The formatting was good, as usual. What are the little line thing-a-ma-bobbers at the end? Can't wait till you get the next chapter out. I love this plot line!! It's been so cool, since it's kind of fantasy, but kind of science fiction too... That's the way it is with a book I'm co-writing. No complaints on this chapter. Great job, and keep writing!!
The lines are just to separate my word count from the actual chapter. And Zeke is most definitely one of my most complicated characters...