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The Quest for Fire Book Two ~ Frozen Past Chapter 12

by felistia


Zoltar's head was whirling as the guards lead them through the winding corridors of the palace. He knew that he should have been taking note of layout, but he was just to distracted by what he'd just heard.  Shiler was Felistia's sister. How could she not had told him this? These thoughts kept spinning around and around his head, so much that he hardly noticed the guards stopping in front of a dark iron door and unchaining his and Felistia's muzzles. But when the door was unlocked and opened with a screech like thousands of dragons being tortured, Zoltar snapped into attention. The prison was as bare apart from a few hoops buried in the stone floor. Claw marks covered the walls and in on far corner Zoltar was sure he could see a claw hooked into the stone.

"Enjoy your stay," the guards cackled, as they pushed Felistia and Zoltar into the cell. They quickly chained them to the hoops in the floor and left the room, slamming the door behind them.

Felistia hunched over in the corner and started to softly crying.

His heart aching for her, Zoltar hobbled over to Felistia, straining on his chains till he was able to he reached over and gently stroked her head. Felistia turned her head and looked at him with swollen eyes. She smiled sadly and edged closer so that Zoltar could comfort her. After a few minutes of silence, Zoltar whispered, "I'm sorry about your sister."

Felistia sniffed and replied, "It's okay. It happened two years ago. It's just seeing Shiler again brought back all the pain."

Zoltar nuzzled her closely and remained silent. He had many burning questions, but he didn't want to ask Felistia now. For now he'd comfort her and wait until she'd calmed down. He knew how she felt. His brothers and sisters acted like he didn't exist, but it must be much worse for Felistia. To have your own sister kill your other sister and then threaten to kill your after having sent you to prison must feel crushing. Zoltar was surprised as to how Felistia had kept it a secret for so long. At the moment the best thing for her was to know that she could trust him to look after her.

On the other paw though, they were in quite a predicament. With death hanging over both their heads and only a few days to escape, Zoltar had a lot of thinking to do. He looked around the cell. It was small and consisted of bare rock floors and a single barred window far to small for a dragon to fit through even if there hadn't been bars. For now, while he waited for Felistia to relax he'd have to start thinking of escape plans.

...

A few hours later Felistia had stop crying and was just staring blankly at the far wall, rubbing the herbs Zoltar had hidden under his wing on her gash. Zoltar was on the other side of the room staring out of the barred window at the swirling snows outside. He looked back at Felistia. He couldn't wait any longer. He needed to know the answers to all his questions now. He slowly padded over to Felistia, his chains clinking on the bumping floor.

"Felistia?" He sat down next to her and rested his tail over hers, "What happened back before you were sent to prison?"

Felistia sighed and lifted her head from her paws, "I suppose I owe you an explanation."

Zoltar nodded, excited to have his question answered.

"Well, Kori my older sister was the queen of the ice talons. She ruled with firm, but kind paw. The ice talons were doing well under her rule, but my other sister, Shiler wanted the power. She didn't like the way me sister ran the tribe and challenged her to a fight to the death. This was a tradition with the ice talons, but hadn't been used for years. Being the queen, Kori had to accept, but Shiler had been training and beat Kori, " Felistia explained, her voice threatening to crack, but she kept it steady, "She could have just defeated Kori, but that wasn't enough for Shiler. She killed Kori to insure that Kori wouldn't challenger her for the throne. And to make sure that she kept the throne, she sent me away to prison."

"I'm sorry," Zoltar said sympathetically and tried to wrap on of his wings around her, but his chains wouldn't let him, so instead he nuzzled her in the hopes of comforting her.

"So ever since I got off that stupid island, I've been planning my revenge. That's why I was having nightmares and acting so strange. I didn't tell you because I didn't want to get you involved. I tried to sneak off during the blizzard, but the guards managed to find us. I'm sorry for dragging you into this. I guess I'm a pretty lousy friend."

"No. No. Your not a bad friend," Zoltar took her paws in his as she started to cry again, "We all make mistakes Felistia and I don't blame you at all for what happened."

Felistia smiled squeezed his paws, "Thanks for being so understanding."

"That's okay. Our biggest problem at the moment is escaping this place," Zoltar said, worry fill his stomach like sour acid. They had less than a week to get out of here before he died of cold and escaping wasn't going to be easy.


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Sun May 29, 2016 9:05 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! Another exciting installment of The Quest for Fire! :D

Zoltar's head was whirling as the guards lead them through the palace.

You can describe more here. What is their journey like? What does he see? Is he making note of anything or trying to gain any information or ideas about how to escape?

Zoltar was sure he could see a talon hooked into the stone.

Like another dragon is in there or like a claw is hooked?

Felistia was hunched over in the corner, crying.

They were just chained. "was hunched" makes it seem like she's been like this for some time. Maybe try "Felistia hunched over in the corner and started to cry." to show that this is her reaction to what just happened.

Sighing, Zoltar hobbled over to Felistia, straining on his chains as he reached over and gently stroked her head.

How far apart are they? How difficult is it for him to do this? Why does he sigh? What emotion is behind that sigh? And what's going through his head right now. I know his immediate concern is to make sure Felistia is okay and to be there for her, but what's he thinking about this situation they've found themselves in?

Zoltar nuzzled her closely and remained silent. He had many burning questions, but he didn't want to ask Felistia now. For now he'd comfort her and wait until she'd calmed down.

That's nice of him :)
This could be a good place to go into some of his own internal monologue and how he's processing and what he's thinking about. If he can't get some of these questions about Felistia off of his mind, what is he thinking about instead?

...

A few hours later Felistia had stop crying and was just staring blankly at the far wall,

This is a good use of the dots because the previous scene came to a natural end and some time went by. However, since it does break up an already short chapter, you could transition with words as well. If you take my previous suggestion about adding in more of his thoughts and stuff, his thinking will take up time. Then you can simply describe what happens in these two hours. What does Zoltar do to pass the time? Does he ever leave Felistia's side? How long until Felistia stops crying and what does she do next?

rubbing Zoltar's herbs on her gash.

I'm a bit surprised Zoltar doesn't do this for her. Also, how did she have access to the herbs? Where were they and how did she get them out? I would assume the ice talons would have searched Felistia and Zoltar and taken their stuff, but maybe not.

"Well, Kori my older sister was currently the queen of the ice talons.

Take out "currently". I think it makes it confusing because it sounds like she's currently the ice queen, which she's not. She was back then.

"She could have just defeated Kori, but that wasn't enough for Shiler. She killed Shiler to insure that Kori wouldn't challenger her for the throne. And to make sure that she kept the throne, she sent me away to prison."

The wording here gets a little funny. Read that second sentence out loud.
Also, a fight to the death implies that the way to win is to kill the other. So if Shiler defeated Kori, wouldn't that imply that she killed Kori? But this makes it sound like Shiler won and then killed Kori to be safe.

You could expand the conversation by showing Zoltar emphasizing with her and being there for her more. They could also process through what happened back then and what the implications are now because of that a bit more. The ending (this is starting to become a pattern I think :p) feels a bit rushed. I know the next chapter will probably pick up where this one left off, but I feel like you rush to get to the end sometimes. Give your endings the same amount of attention you give to the rest of the chapters (which can be hard because I totally get wanting to get to the end!) :)

That's all for now! I'll be back for more soon! Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! :D




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Sun May 29, 2016 8:53 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Yams here for another chapter!

I feel like you did it right when you make Zoltar still kind of shocked and thinking about this in this chapter. I'm kind of hoping it drives him crazy in the next chapters and it'd be interesting if he now may get into a fight because he has some sort of lost trust?

I don't know the characters too much but Zoltar does seem unlikely to fight Felistia and is more of an understanding person than I thought, but I do kind of think that it isn't the most realistic if he can just brush it that off so easily? You'd think he'd still feel something inside after all what happened.

It doesn't really make sense to me that they're in the same room or even in talking distance. The guards/Queen weren't very smart in putting them in the same room it seems because now they can think together instead of being locked away from each other? I think it also would've caused more tension if they weren't beside each other.

It's kind of underwhelming is that it was all it took for them to make up, and to be honest with you, I didn't really feel it. It feels like there's still tension and questions that they both want to ask each other maybe (God I hate myself since I probably suck at reviewing take this with a particle of salt). The emotions in this chapter are what I'm trying to say are a little underwhelming. In this situation you would expect someone to freak and flip out and I thought that Felistia's breakdown would be a little larger and she would kind of lose all hope and have to build it back up.

Have a great day and take this with a tiny grain of salt!




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Sun May 01, 2016 1:48 am
HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



(Catching up!)

The only suggestion I have for you this time is to use more description. You used to have so much of it, but now it's completely missing. What's going on? First, have details of the dungeon. It's dark, but that's about all we know. Where are the chains attached? Where are the guards? Did they so somewhere or are they observing them?
One thing I kind of wanted to mention about describing the dungeon: they're typically dark, gloomy, made of stone, have hay and rats somewhere, etc. Don't be afraid to mix it up! Maybe have snowflakes etched into the walls that former prisoners scratched out in boredom. How about dents in the floor? Maybe there are dragon talons stuck in the walls. Get creative! Have fun with it!
You are missing details, not just description-wise, but I mean key details. Where the guards are is an example, where in the palace they are, how it feels, its smells, etc.
Something else I suggest is starting this chapter a little farther back. I would love to see the queen a bit more when Zoltar and Felistia are headed to the dungeon.

So, that's it for me. If you have any questions at all, mention them right away! I want to answer them. :)
Stay awesome!
~Holographic Ladybug

This review was brought to you by a hologram! Happy Review Day! :D :D





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