Hello again! Another exciting installment of The Quest for Fire!
Zoltar's head was whirling as the guards lead them through the palace.
You can describe more here. What is their journey like? What does he see? Is he making note of anything or trying to gain any information or ideas about how to escape?
Zoltar was sure he could see a talon hooked into the stone.
Like another dragon is in there or like a claw is hooked?
Felistia was hunched over in the corner, crying.
They were just chained. "was hunched" makes it seem like she's been like this for some time. Maybe try "Felistia hunched over in the corner and started to cry." to show that this is her reaction to what just happened.
Sighing, Zoltar hobbled over to Felistia, straining on his chains as he reached over and gently stroked her head.
How far apart are they? How difficult is it for him to do this? Why does he sigh? What emotion is behind that sigh? And what's going through his head right now. I know his immediate concern is to make sure Felistia is okay and to be there for her, but what's he thinking about this situation they've found themselves in?
Zoltar nuzzled her closely and remained silent. He had many burning questions, but he didn't want to ask Felistia now. For now he'd comfort her and wait until she'd calmed down.
That's nice of him
This could be a good place to go into some of his own internal monologue and how he's processing and what he's thinking about. If he can't get some of these questions about Felistia off of his mind, what is he thinking about instead?
...
A few hours later Felistia had stop crying and was just staring blankly at the far wall,
This is a good use of the dots because the previous scene came to a natural end and some time went by. However, since it does break up an already short chapter, you could transition with words as well. If you take my previous suggestion about adding in more of his thoughts and stuff, his thinking will take up time. Then you can simply describe what happens in these two hours. What does Zoltar do to pass the time? Does he ever leave Felistia's side? How long until Felistia stops crying and what does she do next?
rubbing Zoltar's herbs on her gash.
I'm a bit surprised Zoltar doesn't do this for her. Also, how did she have access to the herbs? Where were they and how did she get them out? I would assume the ice talons would have searched Felistia and Zoltar and taken their stuff, but maybe not.
"Well, Kori my older sister was currently the queen of the ice talons.
Take out "currently". I think it makes it confusing because it sounds like she's currently the ice queen, which she's not. She was back then.
"She could have just defeated Kori, but that wasn't enough for Shiler. She killed Shiler to insure that Kori wouldn't challenger her for the throne. And to make sure that she kept the throne, she sent me away to prison."
The wording here gets a little funny. Read that second sentence out loud.
Also, a fight to the death implies that the way to win is to kill the other. So if Shiler defeated Kori, wouldn't that imply that she killed Kori? But this makes it sound like Shiler won and then killed Kori to be safe.
You could expand the conversation by showing Zoltar emphasizing with her and being there for her more. They could also process through what happened back then and what the implications are now because of that a bit more. The ending (this is starting to become a pattern I think :p) feels a bit rushed. I know the next chapter will probably pick up where this one left off, but I feel like you rush to get to the end sometimes. Give your endings the same amount of attention you give to the rest of the chapters (which can be hard because I totally get wanting to get to the end!)
That's all for now! I'll be back for more soon! Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!
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