Hello again!
Well things sure took an exciting turn in this chapter! You might hate me for saying this p) but I think this moment needs to come sooner. Your first chapter started perfectly with the catalyst - Zoltar's two friends dying from this big scary thing. Now in chapter 5, we're finally getting the real mission that is going to do something about this catalyst - they need to find the Ruby of Fire. I know this mission is important because it's the title of the book, so I want to get here a bit sooner.
Obviously there needs to be something between the attack and this mission, but I think the process of getting there can be faster. A couple of ideas: you could speed up the process of actually getting to the howler dragon's place. you could take out the fight with Zoltar and the howler dragons (in the grand scheme of things that's not super important). Basically, the catalyst happens, we meet Hisster and they arrange to go see the howler dragons. They go see the howler dragons and are immediately led to the head guy and the head guy gives them their mission. Personally, I would condense it about that much just so we can get this show on the road
A couple of smaller things:
The figure’s eyes were like burning pools of red flame that gleamed in the darkness of the room. A raging fire that could swallow your soul and mind forever.
Great description, but these two thoughts can be combined.
Everything on this beast of a dragon seemed to be more robust than the other howler dragons. Muscles rippled under its obsidian scales as the dragon walked. Its frill was like a great shining crown and each of its paws had six glinting, silver talons.
GREAT describing. I can picture this guy really well! I would start a new paragraph after this little bit though because you've gone from describing the dragon to what he says/does.
"Treasure!" the howler dragon spat, throwing back his head and barking a loud laugh.
"I don't want simple treasure, I want something of more value to me,” the howler dragon growled
Since both of these paragraphs have the same person talking, I think they could be one paragraph.
(This guy kind of reminds me of the goblins in Harry Potter. Especially in the last book when Harry is trying to make a deal with Griphook about getting help with getting into Bellatrix's vault and Griphook is like "what are you going to give me in return" and Harrry is like "gold?" and Griphook is like "ha. nope." )
Anyway....
"I want the long lost Ruby of Fire,"
I'm a bit torn here. Does Zoltar know what the Ruby of Fire is? If so, I think I want a tiny explanation about what it is somewhere around here. Since it's still early, I don't want to know everything about it and I want most of it to stay mysterious. However, I think I want like one sentence about what it is and why it might be important. Like what is the significance of it and why would this dragon want it?
It was so satisfactory to see Hisster being bossed around by a dragon bigger than him.
Still loving his little attitude
"Bring the Ruby of Fire to us before next autumn and trust me when I say that you don't want to be late."
Whooho! Extra stakes! You've already introduced some juicy stakes - they need to do something about this Exltron (did I spell that right??) or they will probably die so they need to be prompt about getting this Ruby. BUT now this dragon (does he have a name? I believe he's the leader so I feel like he should have a name) is adding even more pressure! Love it!
On their flight home, I would include some of Zoltar's thoughts about this whole situation. A big thing happened and he has this important mission now and I want to know how he deals with that and processes it.
“So what are you going to do about the ruby you have to find,” Zoltar asked, soaring closer to Hisster.
"You have to find" - the dragon didn't necessarily say Hisster has to find it, right? I mean, there at the end he told Zoltar to make sure they had it before autumn. To me, that implies either of them could be involved in getting it. Does Zoltar just assume that Hisster is going to handle this and that he [Zoltar] probably won't be able to be involved? This is where that thought process stuff comes into play
And then I would like a bit more of Zoltar's reaction when Hisster tells him he's not going to be involved. You do a nice job showing feelings, but I would also like it stated in some way that he feels x and this is why (but you're good at pretty language so you'll obviously be able to make it sound better than that :p).
Overall, nice and exciting chapter and pretty well done! I'm definitely looking forward to reading on now that there is a better sense of what direction we're going (although I'm guessing Zoltar is going to become involved in this mission - otherwise why would he be the center-piece of the story - and I'm excited to see how that comes about). I'll see you soon for the next chapter, and in the meantime, please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!
Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162
Donate