Zoltar’s heart jumped into his throat for the second time that day. The figure’s eyes were like burning pools of red flame that gleamed in the darkness of the room, a raging fire that could swallow your soul and mind forever.
“Greetings, your greatness,” Hisster hissed in an oily voice, gracefully bowing with his ebony wings spread, “We have come here to humbly ask for your help.”
'Right,' Zoltar thought sarcastically as he rolled his eyes. He'd never seen Hisster do anything humble in his life. He was shifty as a snake and wasn't to be trusted, not that Zoltar thought the howler dragons were going to buy his act though.
The figure in the corner stepped into the dim light. Zoltar let out a quiet gasp. It was a howler dragon, but not like the ones he’d seen. Everything on this beast of a dragon seemed to be more robust than the other howler dragons. Muscles rippled under its obsidian scales as the dragon walked. Its frill was like a great shining crown and each of its paws had six glinting, silver talons unlick the normal five.
The howler dragon glared at Zoltar, his gleaming eyes narrowing to menacing slits and growled in a deep rasping voice, “I am Beerkon, leader of the howler dragons. Why do you not bow?”
Realizing his mistake with a jolt of fear, Zoltar extended his wings and awkwardly bowed. His wings felt like they were sticking out the wrong way and he was worried his talons weren’t crossed over each other properly. He heard a disappointed sigh come from Hisster’s direction.
“What is it that you need from us, shadow talon?” Beerkon asked in a menacing tone as he shifted his steel gaze towards Hisster.
“We need you to kill an Exltron for us, your majesty,” Hisster replied in a cool voice, but Zoltar could see that even he looked nervous.
“And what will you pay us in return?” Beerkon advanced slowly forwards, never lifting his burning eyes away from Hisster's.
“We have treasure, lots of it,” Hisster answered in a slightly more panicked tone. He took a step back from the mountain of black that stood in front of him.
"Treasure!" the howler dragon spat, throwing back his head and barking a loud laugh. "I don't want simple treasure, I want something of more value to me,” Beerkon growled as he stepped into the shadows once more. He picked up some sort of tablet from behind his throne.
"I want the long lost Ruby of Fire. It was stolen from us years ago by the Riconra and it is our source of power, so if you want us to kill this Exltron for you, you must bring us the Ruby of Fire," he demanded pushing a stone block with words carved onto it into Hisster's paws, “Give these things to the Riconra in the Peaks of Solitude. They will give you the ruby, but only for these things. If you try and cheat them out of it...well..." He paused as if savouring the words in his mouth, "they will destroy you and your clan, so don't try anything."
“Yes sir,” Hisster nodding, his eyes darting towards the exit. Small beads of sweat were starting to break out from between his scales and his breathing seemed to have gotten louder.
Zoltar dipped his head as a small smile crept across his snout. It was so satisfactory to see Hisster being bossed around by a dragon bigger than him, something he hardly ever saw happen to the obnoxious dragon.
‘This might make you think a bit more about the little dragons in your life,’ Zoltar thought in a content way.
“Come, let’s go Zoltar,” Hisster urged, trying to not look like he was in a hurry to get away. He pushed passed all the howler dragons crowding round the entrance.
Zoltar turned and slowly ambled after Hisster, almost trying to slow him down on purpose. After a few steps Zoltar became aware of Beerkon watching him go and picked up the pace a little.
"Shadow talon."
Zoltar flinched and looked back at Beerkon, his burning eyes were locked on Zoltar.
"Make sure that other shadow talon brings the Ruby of Fire to us before next autumn and trust me when I say that you don't want to be late."
Zoltar nodded and hurried after Hisster, his head pounding. How was Hisster going to find this Ruby in less than a year. There weren't many soldiers left and this quest sounded rather dangerous. Was Hisster going to come on the mission with the soldiers or was he just going to let them do the hard work. Another thought was bothering him. One far more threatening that the task ahead. What had Beerkon meant when he'd warned them not to be late. Zoltar was sure it hadn't been simply a friendly suggestion. Whatever it was he didn't want to find out.
When they finally reached the surface Hisster launched himself into the air without delay with Zoltar in tail. Clouds of ash and soot were whipped into the air as Zoltar flapped his wings, trying to gain height and keep up with Hisster.
Dark thunder clouds were rolling over the plains like the plumes of smoke streaming from the volcano in the shadow lands. Lightning flashed around Zoltar and Hisster as they sped home. Thunder boomed and torrents of icy rain battered their wings. Strong gusts of wind tried to hurl them out the sky. The ground below disappeared as Hisster and Zoltar soared higher into the clouds, struggling to get above the raging storm.
Eventually after an exhausting fight, Hisster and Zoltar broke through the top of the thunder storm. The sun was shining and the sky was blue as robin eggs. Below the clouds churned and growled like an angry sea.
“So what are you going to do about the ruby we have to find,” Zoltar asked, soaring closer to Hisster, hoping to get answers to all his burning questions.
“I will send a group of dragons to collect the things for me.”
“Who?” Zoltar questioned, enjoying the sun on his back. Maybe Hisster would send him and give him a chance to prove him self a worthy shadow talon.
“Not you, that’s for sure,” Hisster snapped suddenly, putting a sharp end to Zoltar's hopes. “I am still extreamly cross with you for embarrassing me like that. Why didn’t you bow, for crying out loud? Beerkon could have killed us right then and there for that."
Hisster turned his head away from Zoltar, smoke billowing from his snout, “You will have no part in this as far as your concerned. You are too inexperienced. I will get the rest of the soldiers to get the ruby.”
Hisster dipped back below the now still clouds and left Zoltar alone and humiliated.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hello again!
p) but I think this moment needs to come sooner. Your first chapter started perfectly with the catalyst - Zoltar's two friends dying from this big scary thing. Now in chapter 5, we're finally getting the real mission that is going to do something about this catalyst - they need to find the Ruby of Fire. I know this mission is important because it's the title of the book, so I want to get here a bit sooner.
Well things sure took an exciting turn in this chapter! You might hate me for saying this
Obviously there needs to be something between the attack and this mission, but I think the process of getting there can be faster. A couple of ideas: you could speed up the process of actually getting to the howler dragon's place. you could take out the fight with Zoltar and the howler dragons (in the grand scheme of things that's not super important). Basically, the catalyst happens, we meet Hisster and they arrange to go see the howler dragons. They go see the howler dragons and are immediately led to the head guy and the head guy gives them their mission. Personally, I would condense it about that much just so we can get this show on the road
A couple of smaller things:
Great description, but these two thoughts can be combined.
GREAT describing. I can picture this guy really well! I would start a new paragraph after this little bit though because you've gone from describing the dragon to what he says/does.
Since both of these paragraphs have the same person talking, I think they could be one paragraph.
(This guy kind of reminds me of the goblins in Harry Potter. Especially in the last book when Harry is trying to make a deal with Griphook about getting help with getting into Bellatrix's vault and Griphook is like "what are you going to give me in return" and Harrry is like "gold?" and Griphook is like "ha. nope."
Anyway....
I'm a bit torn here. Does Zoltar know what the Ruby of Fire is? If so, I think I want a tiny explanation about what it is somewhere around here. Since it's still early, I don't want to know everything about it and I want most of it to stay mysterious. However, I think I want like one sentence about what it is and why it might be important. Like what is the significance of it and why would this dragon want it?
Still loving his little attitude
Whooho! Extra stakes! You've already introduced some juicy stakes - they need to do something about this Exltron (did I spell that right??) or they will probably die so they need to be prompt about getting this Ruby. BUT now this dragon (does he have a name? I believe he's the leader so I feel like he should have a name) is adding even more pressure! Love it!
On their flight home, I would include some of Zoltar's thoughts about this whole situation. A big thing happened and he has this important mission now and I want to know how he deals with that and processes it.
"You have to find" - the dragon didn't necessarily say Hisster has to find it, right? I mean, there at the end he told Zoltar to make sure they had it before autumn. To me, that implies either of them could be involved in getting it. Does Zoltar just assume that Hisster is going to handle this and that he [Zoltar] probably won't be able to be involved? This is where that thought process stuff comes into play
And then I would like a bit more of Zoltar's reaction when Hisster tells him he's not going to be involved. You do a nice job showing feelings, but I would also like it stated in some way that he feels x and this is why (but you're good at pretty language so you'll obviously be able to make it sound better than that :p).
Overall, nice and exciting chapter and pretty well done! I'm definitely looking forward to reading on now that there is a better sense of what direction we're going (although I'm guessing Zoltar is going to become involved in this mission - otherwise why would he be the center-piece of the story - and I'm excited to see how that comes about). I'll see you soon for the next chapter, and in the meantime, please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!
Thank you so much for another review. Everything you said was crystal clear and I will get around to the changes soon.
Hello felistia, here I am to review this next chapter of your novel. Before I begin, I have to let you know that I actually had to take a break and reread this a second time, because the first time I got absolutely so immersed. This just might be one of my favorite chapters so far, and as I well know, there are many more to go.
Anyways, let's get started.
I wanted to thank you for giving me the experience of reading this novel, it really feels like it's a published novel, especially in this chapter, (btw maybe you actually should get it published someday) My favorite character is still Hisster, and I really appreciated how you kind of flipped tables so that now, at least for a brief moment Hisster had to be subservient to another ruler the dragons, that scene was so realistic, and kind of humiliating. Actually, based on the content and in general I think that this chapter left both Zoltar and Hisster humiliated.
This is literally just a personally preference, but because I haven't read Chapter 4 in quite a long time, I have a feeling that I kind of forgot when the first time was. Maybe you could just quickly include a sentence or two on that topic so that it could be a refresher to my brain.
This two beautiful descriptions are practically portraying the same image of the figure's eyes. I don't think that you need to be this wordy, or take two sentences to just pause on that, because this is an action-filled chapter in my opinion. My suggestion is that you choose the stronger one and then just go from there. (if you want my person opinion I would stick with the first one.
Here is a place where you are explaining Zoltar's which is greatly appreciated by the reader because we get a clear look inside. I think that a minor error concenring formatting can fixed if you italicize this. It will be much better for the eyes.
Here's a place where I personally see that context can really come into play. Like, yesh I might have heard about the howler dragons before vaguely mentioned, but you have to keep in mind that the reader is not inside your head, and they know nothing else then what you put on paper. You could include a mini flashbacks of thought comparing this one to the other ones.
This is the revelation of the title, and suddenly it seems like a turning point into the plot and direction that you are going to go. I hope that now, you can advance your plot throughout the rest of the chapter, because that's what it seems like here. Anyways, because this is such a big moment in the revelation in the novel, I think that you should definitively make it more forceful and bold (literally make the text darker) coming from the howler's dragons mouth, just so that this pops up a little bit more.
No hesitation on Hisster's side for taking just a big risk, without knowing many of the details at all. I guess that I expected Zoltar to notice a slight hesitation is Hisster tone of voice, or maybe just even an emotional beat because of the load that Hisster now has to carry. After all, he probably doesn't know what he's getting himself into xD
So basically here you changed emotional beats very very quickly, from a smug look of satisfaction to somehow a sullen thought, and I guess that I do understand why, it's just that the transition between these two is so ragged. Maybe you need an emotional beat or a kind of sign that will change the direction.
Aww, I did have to say that I felt a pange of sympathy towards Zoltar in this chapter. Poor guy, just got the mission, literally directly with locked eyes and here HIsster is banning him from doing it. But then again I do understand it from Hisster's POV, because of the way that Zoltar might have acted previously. That's how well-done you make these character to be, so that they come alive.
That's basically all that I have to say for this chapter. I will be onto the next one very soon. I hope that this review helps you improve and if you have any questions or comments, please let me know. You know where to find me.
Until next time!
~P.S.
Thank you for another wonderful review. I will go back and fix the mistakes and I am really glad that you liked the chapter.
Hey! Hopefully I don't repeat any previous feedback.
As always, and as demonstrated by the above quote. Your descriptions are admirably written. They're simply beautiful.
In the quote above I think the "around this beast of a dragon" is unneeded. You could delete it if you want.
Hisster's name is repeated twice in the above quote. The quote would probably be more smooth if you deleted the "towards Hisster" and replaced it with "forwards".
By this point you've already spent a good deal of time describing the Howler Dragon so "the black mountain that stood in front of him" doesn't really add much more to the story. That could be deleted as well.
The several paragraphs after that are quite well done. Everything flows well and character voice is excellent.
Rain is used in both sentences, but really only needs to be used in one to let the reader know that there's rain. I think it is best displayed in the 2nd sentence, so should be kept there. It can be edited out of the first one.
Alright, wonderful chapter! The character voices were excellent and I'm liking Zoltar the more I read of him. Keep up the good work and I hope to review your next chapter very soon.
Your story is getting really interesting. I was just going to read about four chapters and stop! But now I'm pretty sure that I'm going to read it till the end.
Your descriptions are amazing! You managed to take the reader into a world of your own. That's pretty amazing.
I'm starting to like Zoltar even more, And I like his sarcastic thoughts about Hisser
The flow of the story is going on smoothly, there is no rush at all.
And I can't wait so see where this is heading!
Okay, I'm moving on to the next chapter,
Good luck with your novel!!!
writer12345
Hello!
Sorry if I repeat anything that has been said!
This sounds awkward, and the second sentence is fragmented, which could work to show emphasis etc. if phrased correctly.
This doesn't really make sense to me. I don't understand what you're trying to say about Hisster's personality.
Should be "away from Hisster's".
General comments: If the howler dragons know where the ruby is, and how to get it, then why is it a good exchange for them? If they know how to get it, then why wouldn't they just send teams out to get it themselves? Even if they don't want to risk lives to get it, then they shouldn't want to risk lives killing this beast either.
Likely, this will be explained in later chapters, but I just wanted to write this now in case it isn't.
Thank you for the review. As for your question it will be explained, but much, much later.
I decided to leave another review before I went to sleep, so here it is!
Suggestions;
Spoiler
A comma after "greetings". Remember, lack of it would make what you say convey a different meaning than what you meant to say.
Put together "back" and "lashed". "Backlashed" is actually a word.
Okay, so before this part, you've constantly referred this dragon as "creature" or "shadowy figure", but not "dragon", so it needs a transition. Changing "dragon" to "creature" here is fine because later on you mentioned it was a howler dragon.
Another lack of comma. In this case, it should be placed after "shadow". Saying "us shadow talon" is referring the "us" as the shadow talon, which of course is not the case.
I think this part is too rushing. First, the king laughed at Hisster's suggestion of treasures, and suddenly, he wanted Ruby of Fire? Perhaps a simple "the howler dragon was silent afterward, thinking for a moment" would make a good transition between the part of him laughing and him demanding.
"Deals are off".
Erase "the". "the embarrassing me" doesn't make sense when there's "for" before it.
So, this chapter is definitely important as now we know from where the title of the story is derived. So the focus would be Ruby of Fire which Hisster and Zoltar should find. If they achieve it, they can present it to the howler dragon king - which we still don't know his name, though - for the exchange of killing and Exltron. I think it's pretty clear that an adventure is going to follow through after this.
Of course, what would spoil this soon-to-be adventure is when Hisster decided not to include Zoltar as the dragons who would find the ruby. I understand that Zoltar didn't act gracefully or politely enough in front of the howler dragon king and even fought some of the dragons, but I think it is an overreaction from Hisster to decide on such an important matter. Surely embarrassing Hisster in front of the dragon doesn't mean Zoltar would be incompetent on the search of the ruby. Here, I could see the fault of Hisster's judgement and how you're building his character under a negative light.
Since Zoltar is the main character, I'm pretty sure he's going to be involved in finding the Ruby of Fire. He would find some ways around it without Hisster's knowing - or knowing too late - and I'm excited to see more of this dragon world unfolding. Your consistent show of describing settings is as always praised, and I would like to see another character - with a name - to be involved in this chapter and how said character interacts with Zoltar. At this moment, however, I would like to know how Zoltar's going to find the ruby on his own when he decides he wants to search for it too.
That's all! Keep it up!
Thanks for the review I will fix the problems right away.
Hello!
The details were great, especially about the storm! 
Now, on with the review! 
Once again, another great chapter!
I think you should use a different word other than 'storm'. You could even use a combination of words to describe it, instead of just a synonym for storm.
I would putt a comma in here after 'fight'.
Cry should be "crying", like: for crying out loud .
REALLY NIT-PICKY: there should be a quotation mark after 'life'.
I wonder - is this going to happen? Without Zoltar or Hisster? Just a suggestion/side comment - but I kind of consider Zoltar and Hisster as your main characters right now. Without them on the journey, what would happen back at home? Them waiting for the ruby to arrive? If I were you, I'd have at least one of them go, and the other stay to protect 'their territory'. And it'd be kind of 'cute' and 'funny' if Hisster stayed back and after a while began to miss Zoltar.
"Hisster wouldn't tell anyone else this, but secretly, he was beginning to miss that pinhead."
Just a suggestion.
-and, that's it!
~Snazzy, Pencil, Penicillin, etc.
Stay awesome!
thanks for the review.
I like the idea here. To show the falseness to Hisster, and to express Zoltars personal dislike for the man. It doesn't work well this way though. I don't like it. It's too telly. It would work better as dialogue.
Zoltar: "Leave your false courtesies at the door," Zoltar said. "Say your peace."
This is just an example. I don't know Zoltar that well. I don't know his character, I don't know what words he would use. He is a "grace" though, and he should speak like one. Either way something like that, something that exposes Hisster. Maybe sarcasm, although I don't feel like sarcasm suits a king.
Oh wait. I see that the king is the howler dragon. So maybe the Howler dragon says this instead. I really think dialogue would work better there. It would also make the dragon seem clever or all-knowing.
After Hisster says treasure is what they have I have a suggestion. Why not make the Howler dragon laugh? Or "Treasure," he spat. Then send Hisster out on his merry way. Make the king get him to leave, and to share the moment only with Zoltar. It'll establish a sense of respect and awe from the reader with this dragon. And the characters will have an awesome one on one. Let them have a small exchange before he bring up the Ruby Fire. And assign him that mission. I think that'll work better.
This is something you should never do. Don't tell the reader what your writing is supposed to be accomplishing. Your supposed to convey with it actions, which I think you're doing okay with. I imagine this very deep voice, like Mufasa for this king. And a sort of chinese looking dragon, long, and serpent like, with great big teeth.
Couple of things a smile cannot be quiet, and how could it be to himself with the king in front of him? The smile shows that he enjoys Hisster being bossed around. If you do heed my advice and make the king send out Hisster, you could always bring this up right then. "Zoltar smiled more than he should've, and the king took notice."
So I guess Hisster is his superior in some way but this is just... you reduce him to some child. Don't say coming, show him come. That's enough, and it's realistic.
spelling errors.
they finally... Hisster lunged himself...
Do you speak more than one language?
Or were you rushing through it? There's a lot misspelled words in here. You should double check.
I liked your chapter. Short but still pretty substantial. I like the dragon, and the description for him. You do a fair job with description. And with storytelling. I like it, and I like your ideas. You'll get better as you progress. I see places where the are signs of weak writing but it's the things like I commented on. I like you, and your writing overall. And your very creative for making this whole world.
Keep up with your novel.
Thanks for the review. I have changed the problems. I like some of your ideas, but some of the others don't work with the story plan.
Writers have a plan for their story, I understand. I'll keep following the story, and keep making suggestions.