Hello again! Okay so I didn't finish by the end of the month.... but it will be soon! In time for you to come back to 8000 notifications
The swamp sped into the distance as Zoltar and the rest of the group headed over the Forest of Doom.
"the swamp sped into the distance" - a swamp can't speed. A swamp can't do anything because it's a stationary thing. I think you were trying to say it faded behind them or something like that? Like the dragons sped past it as they moved toward the Forest of Doom?
Zoltar swooped over and took the scale from her sliver talons and putting it in the brown sack around his neck,
How easy is this to do when they're flying? I'm having a hard time picturing it. With their wingspans and them being in motion, I would think this would be a really tricky maneuver. And why does he need to grab it right now? Can it wait until they land again? Is this a sign that he doesn't trust them? How does she react to this?
“Trust me, you guys had it easy compered to me. Did you have venom being sprayed at you or massive teeth lunging out of the swamp in front of you? No you didn’t,” Zoltar hissed, flapping away from Shiraku. He was feeling rather irritable about something or other. Maybe it was the growing cold or the fact that he had sprained his left shoulder trying to lift Shiraku into the air. Either way he didn’t need dragons moaning about things right now.
His irritable mood isn't doing much for me. He's the one that signed up to do the more dangerous job, so why is he complaining about it now? He sounds like whiny Harry Potter :p
I'm glad you mentioned the growing cold because that ties in nicely with what's coming later (the mention that winter is coming).
The sprained shoulder thing I have mixed feelings about. It kind of took me off guard because I didn't realize that had been a huge strain or painful for him. I think in that scene, mention that his shoulder hurts or something happening to his shoulder so it makes sense that it's injured. Also, how does he know it's sprained? That's a pretty specific injury and he hasn't really had time to assess himself.
Zoltar wondered what she was feeling having not been home in such a long time, ‘How was she going to react when they had to go into the palace? Would she try to stop him from stealing the queen’s ice diamond?’
I dig this except I want more. Get into these thoughts more and expand this. I love how you started with "Zoltar wondered". You don't need the specific thoughts in italics. You can get some nice repetition going of Zoltar wondering, but then dig a bit deeper with the thoughts and give me a little more.
‘Would she leave him and decide to stay in the Ice Kingdom.’ A little voice spiked through his head, ‘Of course not. She is a wanted criminal there.’ But Zoltar wasn’t so sure.
Same here. Go a bit deeper into what his fear is and how he reasons or processes through why he thinks she'll stay. And then process through what he's not so sure about and why.
'We're going to have to land soon,' he thought
Why will they have to land soon?
“We have to land."
Why do they have to land right this second?
The lake was freezing over, winter was here.
I think you should end the chapter here and cut out everything after the .......
This is almost a cliff-hanger because it creates this ominous tone and I'm not really sure what's going to happen next. The last three paragraphs break that. Plus, I don't think those paragraphs add anything substantial to the plot. It just shows the dragons going to sleep. We have so many scenes of them going to sleep, and I don't think you need another.
See you soon! Let me know if you have any questions/if anything was confusing!
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