z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Quest for Fire Book Two ~ To the Ice Kingdom Chapter 7

by felistia


The swamp sped into the distance as Zoltar and the rest of the group headed over the Forest of Doom. The trees were dark ivy green and not a speck of gold or copper marked their broad leaves. The air was had a strange chill to it and every now and then a solitary white flake would float past Zoltar’s snout.

“Did you manage to get the plate?” Zoltar asked, after they were about a kilometre away from the swamp.

“Yes, but you never told us that the Highlangs had such big claws. I thought you said the male was the one we had to worry about,” Shiraku grouched, holding up a glittering black plate.

Zoltar swooped over and took the scale from her sliver talons and putting it in the brown sack around his neck, “Trust me, you guys had it easy compered to me. Did you have venom being sprayed at you or massive teeth lunging out of the swamp in front of you? No you didn’t,” Zoltar hissed, flapping away from Shiraku. He was feeling rather irritable about something or other. Maybe it was the growing cold or the fact that he had sprained his left shoulder trying to lift Shiraku into the air. Either way he didn’t need dragons moaning about things right now.

“Are you okay?” Emerald asked, dipping down to Zoltar’s level, “You seem... grouchy.”

“I’m fine! I just need some time alone,” Zoltar snapped, catching a stray air current, so that he rose above the group.

“Fine. If that’s how you feel,” Emerald growled, looking hurt. Her scales rippled from storm blue to fire red and back again as she flew away from Zoltar.

‘Touchy,’ Zoltar thought grumpily as a shiver ran through his glistening obsidian scales. His left wing and shoulder were starting to ach and the growing cold wasn’t helping.

Zoltar glanced down at Felistia. She hadn’t said a thing since they had left the swamp. She was just flying along like a ghost in the wind, her eyes as deep and unreadable as the vast ocean. Zoltar wondered what she was feeling having not been home in such a long time, ‘How was she going to react when they had to go into the palace? Would she try to stop him from stealing the queen’s ice diamond?’

Zoltar clutched the brown pouch hanging around his next closer, sneaking a quick glance at the slab of grey rock inside, ‘Would she leave him and decide to stay in the Ice Kingdom.’ A little voice spiked through his head, ‘Of course not. She is a wanted criminal there.’ But Zoltar wasn’t so sure.

The landscape below was changing rapidly. Trees and bushes were becoming scarce and the earth was covered in thin sheets of glittering white frost. The light was starting to fade, bright colours softening as evening approached. The air was getting colder by the second and the ice below Zoltar was starting to turn a baby blue as the warm sun dropped below the horizon, its last golden raze glittering off his onyx black scales, 'We're going to have to land soon,' he thought as the warmth of the suns light disappeared giving way to the cold of winter. 

He was about to suggest the notion when Felistia’s icy voice suddenly cut through the silence like a dragon’s claw slicing through a thick tree branch, “We have to land." She snapped her wings in closed as she dipped into a steep swoop towards earth. Caught off guard by the sudden change in plans, Zoltar slipped into a less than elegant dive after the rest of the group, who had followed Felistia.

The thin sheet of silver ice cracked under Zoltar’s claws as he landed a few meters away from where the group of dragons were huddling under a wisp of a tree. Felistia had her milky white snout stretched towards the newly born southern stars, their twinkling lights marking the way towards the Ice Kingdom.

Zoltar stared out over the desolate plains as the last of the suns red light disappeared, coating the land in crystal like darkness. A moaning creak of ice slashed through the silent night, making Zoltar jump. He whipped his head towards the direction of the sound. It was coming from a far off lake; The Lake of Whispers. The lake was freezing over, winter was here.

.......

Zoltar stared up into the sparkling heavens, studying the swirling cobalt galaxies and deep iris purple cosmoses. The night air was as sharp as steel and bitterly cold. Zoltar tucked his snout under his wing, hoping it would fight off the icy wind battering against his scales. It provided little comfort. Sighing, he tried to drift off to sleep, but his thoughts kept spinning around and around in his head.

Emerald’s soft snores vibrated through his body as he burrowed in closer for warmth. He was careful not to get to close to Shiraku, whose claws were twitching like mad. Her eyes trembled as she slept and every now and then she would let out an indignant snarl.

Zoltar forced himself to slow his thinking and forget the doubts and fears preventing him from resting. Felistia and the rest had been asleep for over three hours already and by now the two moons had rising high into the dark sky, their silver light glittering off the snowflakes drifting through the air. Slowly, but surely sleep overcame his thoughts and consciousness faded into blackness as the world faded from Zoltar’s mind.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1162 Reviews


Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162

Donate
Fri Apr 01, 2016 6:06 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! Okay so I didn't finish by the end of the month.... but it will be soon! In time for you to come back to 8000 notifications :P

The swamp sped into the distance as Zoltar and the rest of the group headed over the Forest of Doom.

"the swamp sped into the distance" - a swamp can't speed. A swamp can't do anything because it's a stationary thing. I think you were trying to say it faded behind them or something like that? Like the dragons sped past it as they moved toward the Forest of Doom?

Zoltar swooped over and took the scale from her sliver talons and putting it in the brown sack around his neck,

How easy is this to do when they're flying? I'm having a hard time picturing it. With their wingspans and them being in motion, I would think this would be a really tricky maneuver. And why does he need to grab it right now? Can it wait until they land again? Is this a sign that he doesn't trust them? How does she react to this?

“Trust me, you guys had it easy compered to me. Did you have venom being sprayed at you or massive teeth lunging out of the swamp in front of you? No you didn’t,” Zoltar hissed, flapping away from Shiraku. He was feeling rather irritable about something or other. Maybe it was the growing cold or the fact that he had sprained his left shoulder trying to lift Shiraku into the air. Either way he didn’t need dragons moaning about things right now.

His irritable mood isn't doing much for me. He's the one that signed up to do the more dangerous job, so why is he complaining about it now? He sounds like whiny Harry Potter :p
I'm glad you mentioned the growing cold because that ties in nicely with what's coming later (the mention that winter is coming).
The sprained shoulder thing I have mixed feelings about. It kind of took me off guard because I didn't realize that had been a huge strain or painful for him. I think in that scene, mention that his shoulder hurts or something happening to his shoulder so it makes sense that it's injured. Also, how does he know it's sprained? That's a pretty specific injury and he hasn't really had time to assess himself.

Zoltar wondered what she was feeling having not been home in such a long time, ‘How was she going to react when they had to go into the palace? Would she try to stop him from stealing the queen’s ice diamond?’

I dig this except I want more. Get into these thoughts more and expand this. I love how you started with "Zoltar wondered". You don't need the specific thoughts in italics. You can get some nice repetition going of Zoltar wondering, but then dig a bit deeper with the thoughts and give me a little more.

‘Would she leave him and decide to stay in the Ice Kingdom.’ A little voice spiked through his head, ‘Of course not. She is a wanted criminal there.’ But Zoltar wasn’t so sure.

Same here. Go a bit deeper into what his fear is and how he reasons or processes through why he thinks she'll stay. And then process through what he's not so sure about and why.

'We're going to have to land soon,' he thought

Why will they have to land soon?

“We have to land."

Why do they have to land right this second?

The lake was freezing over, winter was here.

I think you should end the chapter here and cut out everything after the .......
This is almost a cliff-hanger because it creates this ominous tone and I'm not really sure what's going to happen next. The last three paragraphs break that. Plus, I don't think those paragraphs add anything substantial to the plot. It just shows the dragons going to sleep. We have so many scenes of them going to sleep, and I don't think you need another.


See you soon! Let me know if you have any questions/if anything was confusing! :D




User avatar
377 Reviews


Points: 119
Reviews: 377

Donate
Fri Feb 26, 2016 2:54 pm
View Likes
Snazzy wrote a review...



Snazzy here for a review! *GASPS*
Okay, so good parts: the plot is moving along. Your characters are very different (which I like), and not all of them are perfect (which I like even more). :D I really don't have too much to say about it, but I'll try and give you a decent review!

Alright, I have a problem with the first paragraph. It's not that it's too much detail and description, it's just that they all are kind of, eh. Like some of the "I sentences" I wrote when I was, well, learning how to write. (I like pie. I went to the store. I bought milk. Etc.) Except with yours, it would be "the sentences". I know there's really not such a thing, but I'm making it one. ;) Anyway, you start all your sentences with "the", and while the description in itself isn't too much, by stating the setting alone in one paragraph, it can seem like an imagery overload. A suggestion: simply start them with the subject, then the action. "The" can get so overused, especially if you always use it over and over again.

As an ending note, there are quite a few (minor) spelling/grammar mistakes. For the spelling mistakes, simply read through the chapter backwards (and then forwards again, slowly). It works. ;)

But yeah, that's really all I could find! Mostly it was just the "The Sentences" thing, and the spelling/grammar mistakes made it kind of hard to read in places - but otherwise, this was pretty good! Keep writing!

~Snazz Pizzazz




User avatar
77 Reviews


Points: 5851
Reviews: 77

Donate
Sun Jan 10, 2016 8:12 am
View Likes
FeatherPen wrote a review...



I like how you have a different mood in this chapter and have created tension between the dragons. It makes it seem realer and has shown us more about their characters.

“We have to land,” Felistia’s icy voice
this part gave me some confusion the first time I read it because Zoltar is suspecting Felista and yet does not question this sudden change of plans. Reading back on it I can see it as “it is time to land” or that Zoltar would question Felista about why they have landed and she tells him that it is getting dark and they need to sleep. A line or two extra would provide more clarity.

The only other thing to improve it is correcting these two typos.

The swamp sped into
spread
The air was had a strange chill
delete the was

You are getting a good hang of the action description balance which is fantastic to see. I think it is about not having either of them in big chunks. I loved them when they were because the sounded so poetic but it makes the story flow better how you are writing now. You are up to chapter 27 and still going, it’s further than I have ever got with a story so you have my respect for that too.

I will review the next chapter shortly but saw that this chapter had no reviews yet so decided to do it first.




User avatar
298 Reviews


Points: 15144
Reviews: 298

Donate
Thu Jan 07, 2016 9:14 pm
View Likes



Remind me to review this once I find something incorrect or that I haven't mentioned already. ;)





Have you met a cow or another large animal?
— Liminality