The sapphire blue ocean whizzed past Zoltar as he soared out of the mist. The golden sun danced on his obsidian scales, driving away the damp, cold vapour from the maze and replacing it with excited anticipation. He was on his way.
“I never want to do that again. Please tell me we don’t have to go through that mist again?” Emerald shivered, shaking her wings and tail. Her scales were slowly fading from grey to vibrant emerald green.
“Only when we come back to the island, which will be in a while. Are you sure your brothers will get the note you left?”
“Positive,” Emerald replied, "Have you still got the camaflage roots?"
"Absolutely," Zoltar replied, patting the brown pack around his neck.
There was a loud splash from below as Shiraku dived into the sea. A few seconds later she leapt out of the crystal clear water, her scales gleaming like polished turquoise as the diamond drops of water slid down her wings.
“Does that feel better?” Zoltar asked, peering behind him at Shiraku, who was smiling happily as she shook the water off her snout and tail.
“Oh, the sea feels so good after all these months. I had to swim in the lakes on the island, but they just weren’t the same. There’s something about the way the salt water tickles your gills and the currents pull at your tail. Oh, I have missed it,” she smiled again and tilted her wings to catch the sunlight, so that her whole body looked like the bluest abalone shell.
Zoltar sighed. The way Shiraku had described the sea had made him remember that she still had the choice of leaving for the sea talon kingdom at any time. Felistia too could go back to the ice talon kingdom. Zoltar had known that they'd probably go back to their own kingdoms, but the thought of them really doing just felt surreal. I mean they'd been with him the whole time he'd been on the island and he'd kind of gotten used to seeing them every day. He'd got to know them pretty well and didn't really want to say goodbye to them. Still he had to bite the bullet sometime.
"F-Felistia?" Zoltar started shakily, dreading the answer he was going to get, "Have you decided whether you want to go back to the ice kingdom?" He flinched as Felistia's wings faltered for a second, "Not that I'm rushing you or anything. I just wanted to know if you've made a decision."
"I haven't really made a decision yet, Zoltar," Felistia spat with surprising anger.
"I didn't mean to upset you. It's just that I need to go to the ice kingdom for...something and I was wondering if you could stay a little while since we're going that way anyway?"
Felistia didn't answer him and instead gazed off into the distance as though she were staring across the frozen tundra’s of the ice kingdom.
Zoltar sank a few wing beats away from Felistia. He hadn't meant to come off rude or pushy. He wasn't even sure how'd he'd upset her. Why had she gotten anger. Zoltar just couldn't get his head around it. He was almost relieved when Emerald brushed her wing tip up against his.
"What was that all about?" Emerald asked, a confused and yet sympathetic look on her snout.
"I actually don't know. It just came out of nowhere. I was just asking her if she'd decided to go home," Zoltar murmured, confusion still clouding his head.
"Maybe she's just a bit stressed after going through the maze. I'd be," Emerald suggested, "Just give her some time. She'll come around."
“Look there’s the continent,” Shiraku called, pointing a silver claw at the dark line on the horizon.
Zoltar looked up, his heart fluttering like a small bird. The shore line of the moon talon kingdom was fast approaching. Dark forest outlined the coast line. Zoltar could see small silver lizards springing from tree to tree as they hurried back to their hollows.
The sun was slowly dropping lower in the sky and as the band of dragons neared the shore, streaks of bright pinks and marigold were starting to stream across the sky.
Zoltar swooped in and landed on the thin strip of beach, spraying pebbles in all direction. He heard the others touchdown close be. He looked around to see Felistia walk past him and up a sand dune towards the forest. Her tail was lashing and her wings where hunched over. She curled up with out a word.
"Something's wrong with her," Zoltar worried, staring at the silent ice talon. Had she just been hiding who she was on the island to take advantage of him or was something else going one? He'd have to keep a close eye on her and hope that it was just a faze.
“Wow I have never seen a sunset over the sea, it’s so beautiful,” Emerald gazed out onto the ocean, the sun's dyeing light reflecting off her golden eyes.
“Yes it is the best place to see the sun go down,” Shiraku sighed, sitting down and staring over the miles of sea before her.
“It is beautiful,” Zoltar admitted, think back to the shadow lands sunsets; they were never as good as this.
Emerald curled up next to Zoltar, her tail draped over her talons. She smiled at him as she watched the spectacle silently. Zoltar felt a rush of content brush over him. Emerald was safe and Shiraku and Felistia were close by, but fear still clawed at him deep down. There was something wrong with Felistia and Shiraku could still leave at any second. He'd just have to wait and see what tomorrow brought.
The sun, like a fiery yellow orb splashed into the ocean sending a spray of glowing orange coals scattering across the sky. The pebbles on the beach sparkled a golden brown as the sun cast its amber rays over the seashore. The lapping waves shone in the dying light as the sky slowly shifted from bright pink and scarlet to violet and indigo. Soon the stars sparked into sight and the moons glittering silver light gleamed down on the four sleeping dragons, curled up on the beach.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hello again!
Note? What note? Claifie roots? What Claifie roots? When did these things happen?
I didn't care for this piece of dialogue. It felt a bit awkward and unnatural to me. Like almost like Dora the Explorer saying "first we go to the forest. Then we go to the lake. Then we go across the bridge to the farm!"
I know you're about to explain what the item is, but again, do we really need to know this right now? If the Highlang is the next item up then I would get it, but if they're still a couple of steps away, I wouldn't go there now. I don't want to look too far ahead at what's coming because it's distracting and I'm going to forget things. I want to stay in the moment.
It's starting to become difficult to keep all of these different talon types and kingdoms straight. How many are there?
This chapter didn't do much for me. I'm not sure what the plan is now and what they're doing now. Remember, the plan was discussed a long time ago and a lot has happened since then. I'm going to need to be walked through each step. Where are we in the process? What do they need to do now and what is the plan? Is this Highlang next? If so, why are they in the moon kingdom and near Zoltar's home again?
I wouldn't say this chapter is unnecessary because it's getting the characters from point A to point B, but I think it should be re-vamped a bit and the dialogue should be more focused on what's coming next and what their new goal and plan is.
I'm going to be done for today, but I should be back tomorrow for more! Let me know if you have any questions/if anything was confusing!
Hi Felistia!
You had really good descriptive language, yet you don't stop their journey. Good job with that! Now, for the review! 
Another great chapter! Another 'relaxing chapter' after all the action, which is good.
If I were you, I would write this as two separate sentences. It's not exactly a run-on, just doesn't seem right in my opinion... It's correct, but I would just write it as two just in case another reader thinks like me.
I would either put a comma after 'sun', or add the word 'was' after sun to make the sentence sound a little better.
Other Suggestions: You seem to add a bunch of details and description in the beginning and ending paragraphs. I encourage you to layer it out a bit, instead of having to chunks on each end - but descriptive writing is your thing as a writer. So, don't take it all out for good, because if it were quite honest, I'd rather have your showing language than a writer's 'telling' language any day.
Other than that, this was great!
~Snazzy
Merry Christmas!
(a bit early)
Greetings Felistia! Holographic Ladybug here for another review!
It's cool how you have invented an entire species! You've totally have this thought out well. It's very imaginative.
'Zoltar swooped in and landed on the thin strip of beach, spraying pebbles in all direction.'
This is very well described and, frankly, really cool. I would have never have thought of what happens to pebbles.
'There was a loud splash from below as Shiraku dived into the sea. A few seconds later she leapt out of the crystal clear water, her scales gleaming like polished turquoise as the diamond drops of water slid down her wings.'
This is beautiful! I wouldn't change a thing here. Ever. I love this part and it's probably my favorite part.
'The pebbles on the beach sparkled a golden brown as the sun cast its amber rays over the seashore. The lapping waves shone in the dying light as the sky slowly shifted from bright pink and scarlet to violet and indigo. Soon the stars sparked into sight and the moons glittering silver light gleamed down on the four sleeping dragons, curled up on the beach.'
You have made it so that I can imagine this really well in my head. This is probably my second favorite part. It looks so beautiful and peaceful. It's like one of those things that would pop up if I looked 'Search for the Ruby of Fire' on the internet.
That's all from me!
Till next time,
~Holographic Ladybug
Thank you for all the reviews.
No problem!
If the island they have just left is used as a prison it seems like a bit of an inconsistency that Zoltar managed to fly in and then with a little more difficulty but with a small band fly out. Oh I went back and reread chapter 8 it is to do with the map. Maybe the fact that Zoltar knows the way out is part of Shiraku and Felistia reason for joining him? Additionally the maze because of the role it plays could be a good thing to add around the island to the map.
I don’t think we have learned what reasons Shiraku and Felistia are on the island either other than that prison dark claw put them there.
“I never want to do that again, please tell me we don’t have to go through that mist again,” a question?
Between the two sections below you may wish to add, /the others landed beside him.\
“Zoltar could see small silver lizards springing from tree to tree as they hurried back to their hollows.”
“Wow I have never seen a sunset be the sea, it’s so beautiful,” Emerald gazed out onto the ocean, the suns dyeing light reflecting off her golden eyes.
“a sunset be the sea” did you mean a sunset across the sea?
“Soon the stars sparked into sight and the moons glittering silver light gleamed down on the four sleeping dragons,” should they have set a watch?
Your dialog is working well and I don’t get the sense, as I often do when reading multiple character dialogs, of losing track of who’s saying what.
I also like how you give important information about the upcoming monsters in the dialog and avoid the dreaded info dump.
/“It’s a long snake like lizard with powerful webbed paws and talons. They can swim as fast as any fish in the sea and they are quite quick on land too, but that’s not the only thing you have to worry about. They are the only large reptile in Megalonia to have venomous fangs and they can spray that venom three meters in any direction,” Zoltar described, thinking of the scrolls about Highlang.”\
I have greatly enjoyed catching up on the story and am itching to read the next chapters so I hope you post them soon.
By the way if there are any specifics you would like me to focus on in following reviews please say.
pps happy review day and well done on your 3 stars if i haven't said so already.