Shortly, after a few preparations and a quick bite to eat, Zoltar and Emerald set out for Zoltar's cave. The wind whistled in Zoltar’s ears as he soared over the island’s marigold orange forests. Emerald evergreens were dappled all over the carpet of amber trees like stains in a tapestry. Flocks of wild geese could be seen leaving the island and flying south to lands outside the continent of Megalonia. Zoltar sometimes wondered what else was out there, beyond the horizon.
“I still don’t see why we have to go to your cave?” Emerald whined from behind Zoltar.
“I need to collect a few things,” Zoltar replied, looking over his shoulder at Emerald. He hoped to introduce Emerald to Felistia and Shiraku as well. ‘If Shiraku doesn’t strangle me first for staying out all night. I just hope they're there.' Zoltar worried and picked up the already fast pace.
“Can’t you fly a bit slower? I don’t have those massive wings of yours,” huffed Emerald, going red in the face.
“I’m just enjoying flying again. After spending most of yesterday on the ground it’s nice to be back in the air,” Zoltar did happy loop the loop in the air. Emerald had given him some wonderful herbs that she'd found in the forest and it had made his wings feel good as new. He'd never seen anything like it.
“Yes, but remember that it was me who gave you the medicine that made your wings better and now you’re leaving me behind,” Emerald shouted with a note of annoyance in her voice.
Zoltar slowed down, just enough for Emerald to catch up. His heart was racing with an unknown excitement and everything around him seemed to be vibrating with joy. He was so relieved that Emerald had forgiven him and had actually wanted to come with him on the mission. Infront of him pillars of rock towered over the jungle as he neared the coast.
“We’re nearly there,” Zoltar shouted, spotting the cave ahead. If Shiraku and Felistia were inside he'd bring them out to met Emerald after he explained the reason for him being on the island. If he could, he'd really like it if he could get them to come with him on the quest, but that was a maybe for the moment. He still had to wait for their reactions to his news.
“Finally,” Emerald panted, “I hope you’re not going be so fast when we’re on the quest otherwhys we are going to have to make a lot of rest stops.”
“Don’t worry I’ll slow down. Wait here, while I go get the things. I'll be out in a little while,” Zoltar explained, swooping in through the vines covering the cave entrance. Zoltar tucked his wings and rolled away from the opening before springing back up. There was a loud thud behind him as dragon scales hit hard rock.
“Hey, that’s not fair,” growled Shiraku, lighting up her scales and filling the cave with turquoise light.
“I told you he wouldn’t fall for it again,” Felistia said from behind Shiraku.
Shiraku snorted irritably.
“How did you know I was coming?” Zoltar asked as he tried to contain his relief at seeing Felistia and Shiraku safe. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his chest.
“I could hear you’re noisy wing beats a mile away and see you through the vines. Have you seen how blatantly your black scales stand out against the sky. You look like a freaking bat flying around the ice talon kingdom. You should really work on your stealth skills during the day and talking about your stealth skills where you last night. Why didn’t you come back last night for thunder bolts sake! You had us up all night worrying about you and then you come in here like nothing happened,” Shiraku roared, catapulting into Zoltar and knocking him to the floor. “You owe me a big apology,” Shiraku hissed, holding Zoltar down with her paw.
“Okay, I’m sorry,” Zoltar laughed. He was so happy that Shiraku and Felistia cared about him though he preferred Felistia’s approach be not pinning him to the floor.
“Get off him Shiraku. I’m sure there was good reason for him to have stayed out,” Felistia walked over the Shiraku and gently pulled her off Zoltar.
“Well he’d better explain it then,” Shiraku said, dramatically adding, “I’m all ears.”
Shiraku and Felistia’s eyes grew wider and wider as Zoltar told them the whole thing, the shadow lands, the Exltron and finally the quest.
“You what!” Shiraku thundered when Zoltar had finished. Felistia quickly grabbed hold of Shiraku’s tail.
“Hey! Let go, I want to bite him, I want to get him!” Felistia held on without a word and Shiraku had settle with glaring at Zoltar.
“Yes, I am afraid I lied to you. I had to, it's shadow talon rules not let anyone shadow talon plans. Felistia, you must understand the situation I’m in and the sacrifice I have made be telling you this.”
“Yes Zoltar I do understand, but it still hurts to be lied to,” Felistia sighed.
“But it proves that you are my friends,” Zoltar started, but Shiraku glared at him and he sighed, “I understand if you don’t what to be around me anymore.”
“I didn’t say that, I just said that I’m a little wounded,” Felistia said.
“Well I am more than hurt, I’m infuriated. Ooo I really want to bite you right now!” Shiraku roared, pulling at her tail, but Felistia didn’t let go.
“I’m really, really sorry, okay. Make the choice over some dragons I just met and my tribe is hard.”
“SOME DRAGONS!” Shiraku thundered.
“Let me rephrase that,” Zoltar quickly backpeddaled.
“SOME DRAGONS!” Shiraku lunged at Zoltar, breaking free of Felistia’s grip.
Zoltar yelp and twisted away from her. Shiraku charged after him, all the while yelling, “I am not some dragon, you squid breathed pin head!!!”
“Shiraku, stop chasing him!!” Felistia yelled, swinging her tail to trip Shiraku, but she leapt over it and carried on running after Zoltar, shouting out threats about ripping his wings off.
“What is going on in here?” Emerald roared, swooping in through the vines and catapulting into Zoltar.
"Oh no," Zoltar cringed, staring at the still and silent Felistia and Shiraku, "here comes more yelling.”
“Who is that?” Shiraku spat, her ocean green eyes trained on Emerald.
“I should say the same thing,” Emerald growled back much to Zoltar’s surprise. “You’ve been terrorizing the wisp talons in my village and I do not appreciate it. What sort of dragon goes around scary other dragons and then stealing the prey they’ve caught? For heaven’s sake Zoltar, you could have told me that you were staying the two dragons that have been rampaging around the forest for the last four months.”
“Sorry,” Zoltar apologized, holding up his paws in protest, “How was I supposed to know that you guys have been getting on each other’s nerves?”
“Because I told you about them the first day we met!” Emerald yelled, waving her wings in exasperation. Rippling rivers of crimson and gold were rolling over her scales with the occasional splotch of pink.
Zoltar remained silent. He remembered now. She’d told him while he was looking for the last shadow talon. He hadn’t been paying attention to her and must have let it slip over his head.
“Well, can’t you guys make up and forget about it?” Zoltar asked after a few seconds. He really wanted to see if he could get Felistia and Shiraku to come with him on the quest. He was sure he had a few good reasons to get them to come with him.
“No!” shouted the combined forces of Emerald, Shiraku and Felistia.
“Okay then,” Zoltar backing away with his eye brows arched in surprise, “you guys work it out then, but hurry up, I don't really want to sit and listen to you lot fighting for ages.”
With a snort of irritation, Emerald turned away for Zoltar and face Felistia and Shiraku, “So I take it he told you his plan.”
“Mmm hhhmm,” Felistia and Shiraku growled, giving Zoltar a quick glare.
“Thought so after all that yelling. Look, I don’t have time to sit here shouting at strange dragons all day. Zoltar has told me I can come with him on his quest and frankly I want to get moving, so can we just set aside the problems that have happened between us and start again?" Emerald offered, shooting a significant you-owe-me-big-time look.
Felistia went silent as look of concentration crossed over her face, her eyes darting this way and that as she thought. Shiraku didn't bother with any thought process and simply roared, "NO!Absolutely not!"
Emerald rolled her eyes and cast a long look at Zoltar as if asking how on earth had he put up with this dragon. Zoltar shrugged and grinned. Shiraku was a pain, but she was nice when you got to know her a bit.
Felistia huffed a sigh and glared at Shiraku intently, "Come on Shiraku. What good does it do to carry on fighting with the wisp talon?"
"I like fighting. Haven't you be around me long enough to know that," Shiraku snapped back, her spines bristling as she hissed at Emerald, who looked as unfazed as a dragon could possible look. Felistia didn't reply to Shiraku's backlash and simply hissed at her in warning, her tail raised threateningly. Shiraku took a quick step back, a look of surprise on her face before growling, "Ok.....fine."
"I'm starting to like you," Emerald commented, offering her paw to Felistia in greeting.
"Just doing what I have too," Felistia replied, "Now Zoltar tell us more about this plan of your and why...umm."
"Emerald," Emerald said quickly.
"Ah okay...thanks. Why is Emerald coming with you?"
"Well. She was kind of the one that wanted to come along. I didn't really have a chose," Zoltar explained, grinning at Emerald, who giggled and shook her head, "You guys can come if you want. There plenty of room."
Felistia's face remand solid as stone, though Zoltar was sure he saw her eyes light up. Shiraku huffed, rolling her eyes.
"Come on. You guys can go back to your own tribes once we leave the island. Think of it as a favour. You can come along with me for the quest if you want, but you don't have too," Zoltar offered. He still really hoped that they'd come, especially Felistia. He was starting to really like her.
"Okay, fine. You have me. Just so long as you promise to let us go our own ways if we want to," Felistia agreed. Shiraku nodded in agreement.
"Sure. Anything you want."
"Then it's settled," Felistia said, shaking paws with Zoltar to confirm his promise, "So when do we leave?"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hello again!
Kind of like the last chapter, I think there are parts of this that could be expanded and slowed down a bit.
Interesting dynamic you've set up in this chapter between these dragons. This is going to be an exciting adventure with all of them going together
He was injured, unable to fly and now it seems like he's having no trouble with this. You mention a bit later that he was given medicine, but I would like to know about that from the beginning as well as how he's feeling and how it's impacting him.
And why can't he tell her right now? What does he gain by keeping it a secret? Take me through that thought process a bit.
"Zoltar worried" - a little more concise and that way you don't have to use the adverb. We know he's thinking.
The medicine made them better that quickly? He seems completely back to normal. Mention this earlier and give me a little more information on what this medicine is and what it's capable of.
This is great. I want more of this. You're showing his emotions and his thoughts in a describing sort of way.
I've mentioned this in a previous chapter as well, but I noticed a lot of typos and things in this chapter. I'm not going to point them all out, but a good way to catch them is to either read out loud or to put the whole document in another size and font and then read it so it looks different to you.
Here, you're missing a word "you're not going to be", and "otherwhys" should be "otherwise".
He's been here for two seconds, give them a chance to realize he's here and then say something to him.
This can be one paragraph.
I thought the transition from how they knew it was him to wondering where he was last night was a bit awkward. Try to smooth that over a bit more. Maybe they could talk about Zoltar's return for a second and how they heard him and then there's this awkward elephant in the room and finally someone mentions it? I don't know. I just think it should feel more smooth.
He laughed because they were worried? That's a little strange to me. Could be an insight into his personality (but I also could be looking into things way too much :p
I still don't remember when it was part of the orders not to tell anyone.
This should be one paragraph.
You tend to use a lot of adverbs. Nothing wrong with the occasional adverb, but I think sometimes you invent words. Like here, I'm not sure if exasperatedly is a word... :p Try to rephrase some of your adverb sentences so you don't need an adverb. Here it could be "Emerald yelled, waving her wings in exasperation." Same meaning, same words, different order to get rid of the adverb.
Love this
I think this final part is what bothered me the most and felt the most rushed. I thought Felistia and Shiraku's reactions to Zoltar's big news felt good. You showed both of their personalities really well and all of that felt authentic and developed.
Here, it felt rushed. There is a long feud between Emerald and the other two and they resolve it and decide to work together after ten seconds of talking. That doesn't sound very realistic to me... I expected there to be more back and forth and more arguing and maybe some compromise at the end. I want to know how these dragons plan to travel and work together when there is so much animosity between them right now. Why are they all choosing to come? Felistia and Shiraku (especially Shiraku) are still feeling the sting of being lied to and they're ready to jump on board and help? And then to cap it off they're going to be with another dragon they hate? What's in it for them?
Slow down the feelings and thought processes here a bit more so I understand everyone's decision to come and why they're coming, how they hope to contribute, how they're going to get along with the others, and what's in it for them.
You have some great personalities coming together here and I'm really looking forward to seeing what's going to happen with them all together! I will see you soon! And in the meantime, let me know if there are any questions!
Hi Felistia!
It was funny watching everything unfold. Now, for the review!
This is a nice chapter. You have a couple of funny parts, and the argument at the end is funny as well as serious. Everything is just coming together, and it was kind of confusing for Zoltar.
I would italicize this for more emphasis, and also to show that Zoltar is thinking this. It's a pretty funny part, and I think it should pop out more. This goes for any other time this happens (when Zoltar thinks something after he speaks).
The word 'to' should be added between 'going' and 'be'.
This should be one word - "otherwise".
I would change "make the" to "Making a". Using "make the" almost sounds like it is a command.
Other than a few typos and what the other reviewers pointed out, this is good!
~Snazzy
Merry Christmas!
(a bit early)
Reading straight on form the last chapter I felt I was in a dream again because it changes quite abruptly. An introduction like ‘after breakfast of….. they flew off towards Zoltars cave.’ Would tie it in nicely.
The dialog in this chapter works better than the previous and shows that Shiraku and Felistia are his friends by the slightly joking manner in which they speak.
“What sort of dragon goes around scary other dragons and then stealing the prey they’ve caught.” Scaring and a question mark at the end.
Holographic Ladybug has caught the others so I won’t repeat them.
Everything else is fantastic I like the fact that you have introduced some tension within the group and I am looking forward to where you go with that. Will review the next few after dinner.
Greetings Felistia! Holographic Ladybug here for another review!
Heh. I can't get over how funny Shiraku's reaction was. Heh heh.....
I'm really happy that you didn't forget about Felistia and Shiraku! I was starting to wonder...
Anyway, on with the review....
There's nothing that I can really tell you that I haven't already, so I'll just skip to the grammar stuff!
'...Felistia you must understand the situation I’m in and the sacrifice I have made be telling you this.”'
There should probably be a comma after Felistia.
'“How did you know I was coming,” Zoltar asked, taken aback.'
This line is a question, thus, a question mark is required.
'“Let me rephrase that,” Zoltar quickly said.'
I feel like 'said' wouldn't really describe how Zoltar spoke this. I'm not sure what word would be good, so I'm probably not being very helpful, am I?
'“Sorry,” Zoltar said wrinkling his snout, “How was I supposed to know that you guys have been getting on each other’s nerves?”'
Same as above. But I've got a suggestion this time! Maybe 'apologized' would do.
(Looks over your chapter again and sees nothing else)
I have finished. I hope I have been useful!
~Holographic Ladybug