z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Quest for Fire Book One ~ Into the Mists Chapter 16

by felistia


Emerald and Zoltar moved silently through the undergrowth. Strange sounds filled the air as the day wore on. Mist started to float through the forest, twisting and winding around the trees like serpents. The light filtering though the canopy started to fade as the sun sank further and further down the sky. The shadows grow longer, creeping along the ground like the ominous feeling sliding along Zoltar’s scales.

“How far are we from your village?” Zoltar said, looking at Emerald, who was walking next to him. Her ears twitched with every sound and her tail was lashing from side to side ready to whip anything that dared to attack them.

“It's only about half an hours walk away. I'll help you back to your cave tomorrow,” Emerald replied, scanning the forest for signs of movement.

Zoltar swore that he saw slender shapes darting from shadow to shadow following them as they crept through trees. They never came close enough for him to see what they were, but they were always there, watching and waiting.

“We’re nearly there,” Emerald whispered, scanning the canopy above them.

Zoltar followed Emerald’s gaze and his eyes fell on a long wooden bridge. Green shafts of light shone through the trees leafy branches, lighting up the moss and brightly coloured fungi on the bridge. The walk way was hoisted about nine dragons high in the trees and was two dragons wide. It looked old and had wooden planks missing in parts.

“You can follow this to the village,” Emerald explained, walking away from Zoltar.

“Wait. What do you mean?” Zoltar asked, looking around with a sinking feeling. The forest around him suddenly seemed to have got a lot darker and he was sure he could see glowing yellow eyes staring out at him through the gloom. 

“I have to go and gather a bit more food. Just tell the wisp talons that Emerald sent you. We don't get a lot of visitors so they should let you in. They will show you a hut for the night. I’ll see you tomorrow morning,” Emerald darted up a tree trunk and disappeared.

Zoltar stood there staring at the tree for a few seconds. He really didn't want to be out here alone, especially now that night was closing in around him. The sky had faded from turquoise to a dark cobalt and the birds were singing their last song for the day. Their shrill notes echoed through misty air. Crickets were starting play their chorus of squeaks and chirps.

After a few minutes Zoltar got up and stared at the wooden bridge above. With a sigh he started to trudge through the trees. It was getting dark and he had to keep his eyes trained on the bridge for fear of losing it in the dark. He did have good eye sight at night, but the winding path blended in with the forest very well.

The moon was just showing it shining face above the mountains, bathing the forest in eerie silver light. The shadows were long and twisted under the trees. Owls blinked their large eyes at Zoltar as he walked past causing him to shiver in fear. He was so busy watching the bridge that he didn’t pay much attention to where he was going or what was happening around him. He didn’t see the glowing eyes in the shadows or hear the hissing growls that belonged to them.

A pack of snarling raptors suddenly jumped out from behind some far off trees. Their scaly green hide glowed silver in the shallow moon light and the bony yellow crests on their heads shielded their unblinking yellow eyes from him. They slowly advanced, cocking their ugly heads. Zoltar growled back, trying to hide the fear in his voice.

He knew that the raptors could rip an injured dragon like him to shreds given the chance. They were busy sizing him up. Considering whether or not he was easy prey. They were scavengers for the most part and would leave him alone if he put up a big enough fight.

Zoltar roared as loud as he could as he charging towards the hissing beasts. The leaves crunched under his pounding paws as he rushed at the raptors. Pain zigzagged up and down his back. Stars swam in his eyes. Brushing it aside Zoltar bared his teeth and thundered a ferocious roar and spread his wings to full height blotting out the moons light.

The raptors cringed as Zoltar’s dark shadow fell across the ground and his thumping feet beat the ground. Seeing them flinch, Zoltar gained confidence and increased his speed, throwing caution to the wind. The raptors turned and fled all except for one. Its crest was bright red and flashed in the moon light. Its scales were deep forest green with splashes of burgundy red. It pawed the ground and displayed his fangs, a mad glint shone in its eyes as it glared at Zoltar.

Zoltar knew that if he slowed and backed down the other raptors would be back. They wouldn’t withdraw so easily next time.

Zoltar lashed his tail, kicking up leaves and dirt. The raptor roared and dashed head down towards the rapidly advancing Zoltar.

'It’s now or never,' Zoltar thought. He arched his tail like a scorpion and with one swift movement brought it down on the raptors crest. Zoltar swerved to the left as the raptor howled, its bright red crown dissolving into a black, hole riddled lump. Zoltar skidded to a halt a few meters away. He looked back at the shrieking creature.

He hadn’t done serious damage, but it was enough to send the raptor reeling.

He shot a look of daggers straight at the creature and growled. The raptor yelped and crashed back into the forest.

Zoltar breathed a sigh of relief and winced as the pain came flooding back to him. After taking one last look in the direction of the raptor he slow started to walk back towards the wisp talon village.


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Mon Mar 21, 2016 2:46 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! :D Quick chapter, quick review (maybe...)

Strange sounds filled the air as the day wore on. Mist started to float through the forest, twisting and winding around the trees like serpents. The light filtering though the canopy started to fade as the sun sank further and further down the sky. The shadows grow longer, creeping along the ground like the ominous feeling sliding along Zoltar’s scales.

Great description to start the chapter off. It creates this really ominous, uncertain sort of feeling, which is what I think you were going for. It's getting dark, Zoltar is injured, and anything could be out there waiting for them.

“We are going to sleep in the wisp talon village tonight and head to the cave tomorrow,” Emerald replied, scanning the forest for signs of movement.

How does she say this?
How does Zoltar react to this? What's going through his mind? How does he feel about spending the night in an unfamiliar village? Is he worried about Felistia and Shiraku?

The walk way was hoisted about nine dragons high in the trees and was two dragons wide.

I liked this little world detail about measurements. :)

“I have to go and gather a bit more food. Just tell the wisp talons that I sent you. They will show you a hut for the night. I’ll see you tomorrow morning,” Emerald darted up a tree trunk and disappeared.

I found it a bit surprising that she wouldn't accompany him to the village and get him settled in before taking off again. But I guess it just shows some of her personality.

After a few minutes Zoltar got up and stared at the wooden bridge above.

What took him so long to get moving? He's alone, he's injured, and it's getting dark. Wouldn't he want to get to safety as soon as possible?


There is more lead-up to the fight than the actual fight. I felt like I blinked and the fight was over. I liked that there was yet another obstacle for Zoltar to overcome, but I think I want a bit more of it.

The other thing I want more of throughout this chapter (and I hope I'm not starting to sound like a broken record :p) is thoughts and feelings. I want way more internal monologue or description of what he's thinking about and what's going through his mind throughout all of this. I want more emotion and personality. I think most of your other characters have pretty well-developed personalities and I want the same for Zoltar. I feel like I'm getting to know him, but it's slow, and I want to feel like we're buddies already (like I do with Emerald). Again, easier said than done, but something to be mindful of in the next draft.

See you soon, let me now if you have any questions! :D




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Sun Nov 29, 2015 1:05 am
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FeatherPen wrote a review...



I know you have been told it before and I’ve said it at least once but I love your descriptions and imagery, they are fantastic. The reason I’m repeating it yet again is it is always the first thing that strikes me when I start reading one of your chapters.
“Mist started to float through the forest, twisting and winding around the trees like serpents.” Great!

So far you have mentioned the dragons going hunting for food and we have an idea that it is fairly scarce, but I don’t think you have mentioned what specifically they are hunting for nor had a scene where they have eaten. As dragons have gone to gather more food or hunt a few times it would be good to do that bit of story building sooner rather than later. Perhaps Zoltar stumbles across some small prey at some point and catches it to bring back to the cave?

Consider whether or not he was easy prey. Considering
It would also be better grammatically as part of the previous sentence separated by a comma
They were busy sizing him up, considering whether or not he was easy prey.
I agree with SnazzyPencil it does seem like Zlotar is quick to challenge them. Cutting out just the comment “Come on you little pests! Give me your best shot!” in my mind fixes this, as you have already explained that he just needs to scare the scavengers off. You still was to have him say something maybe make it a little less ready for a full fledged fight like “you little pests!” otherwise just Zoltar roared is fine.
Personally as a middle chapter I think this ending is fine and appreciate that you chapters are relatively short, so would advise not to combine it with whatever comes next. However my nit pick about it is; that he can’t “started to walked back”. Easily fixed as some thing like; After taking one last look in the direction of the raptor he slowly started walking towards the wisp talon village.
All over the chapter was pretty good but I do have the question of whether or not her raptor attack added to the main story or not? Leave it in for now for sure, but if you ever want to condense the story a bit it can be good tho know where it can be done.




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Mon Nov 16, 2015 5:43 pm
Snazzy wrote a review...



Hi felistia!
I'm finally caught up on reviews! ;) :D Here it is...

I have to go and gather a bit more food for the village.


If I were you, I'd replace village with "town", or another word. (you could even cut those last three words off). It just feels like it is a bit repetitive.

“Come on you little pests! Give me your best shot!” Zoltar roared charging at the hissing beasts.


With as injured as he is, would Zoltar really challenge them? Maybe once he would just back down , hoping they wouldn't see him as a threat, or had already had their dinners. :D

Other Suggestions:
In this chapter, it seems like the end is a bit - hanging. Almost like it's not a really good "ending note", if you know what I mean --
Zoltar breathed a sigh of relief and winced as the pain came flooding back to him.

If I were you, I'd either change the ending, or combine this chapter with the next.

Other than that, this was really good! I like where you're going with this (and I hope Felistia does something about him either tonight, or in the mornign! :D ) Fantastic job and keep writing!

~Snazzy
Stay awesome! :D




felistia says...


Thank your for the review. I will fix everything when I get the chance. I agree that Zoltar should back down sometimes.



felistia says...


fixed




Being a hero doesn't mean you're invincible. It just means that you're brave enough to stand up and do what's needed.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena