Zoltar had trouble sleeping that night as the storm howled like an angry beast, hurling itself against the walls. He kept on thinking about his dream and what it meant. He felt like it hadn't just been a dream, but a warning. Hisster wasn't exactly the friendliest shadow talon he'd met and having to share an island with the wisp talons probably wouldn't settle well with him. He would be more likely to try and kick the wisp talons off the island before living with them and Zoltar didn't want that for the wisp talon; not after he'd met Emerald.
He knew that he couldn't side with the wisp talons though, that would be betraying his tribe. He didn't want to just go along with the shadow talons either. If he did there was a high chance of the wisp talons being kicked off the island or worse; ending up dead. After all they weren't the most vicious of tribes as far as he could see.
The other option was him trying to get Hisster to share the island, but Hisster would have his heart if he so much as mentioned the idea. Zoltar sighed sadly. Life just wasn't clear cut for him.
‘Well maybe I could get the Ruby of Fire and threaten the Hisster to live with the wisp talons. That could work. Yes, I’ll do that. It's about time I stood up to that porpoise in scales,’ Zoltar thought defiantly. It was time for him to start acting like a dragon and grow a spine. He could cower in the corner and just let the shadow talons take over the island or he could do what was right and try to bring a peaceful outcome amongst both tribes. The wisp talons would benefit by having the beast gone and the shadow talons would have a new home. That would be much better than having a war and if he'd helped bring that to being, well lets just say that he was sure Scorpus would be proud of him if he did.
Sighing with the content that he'd formed a plan, Zoltar tried to get to sleep, but still fear gripped his heart deep inside and sleep wasn't peaceful. Dark cat like creatures haunted his dreams that night and be the time morning peeked over the horizon Zoltar felt like he’d run a marathon.
“Come on sleepy head, time to get up,” Felistia whispered, gentle nudging Zoltar’s wing.
“Five more minutes,” Zoltar yawned sleepily, tucking his head under his wing.
“Come on you have to wake up,” Felistia said firmly as she batted Zoltar again.
“Go away,” Zoltar hissed from under his wing.
“Let me handle this,” Shiraku growled, walking up to Zoltar.
Felistia stepped aside as Shiraku strode up to Zoltar and lifted up his ebony wing. Zoltar squeezed his eyes shut and flopped a paw over his snout.
Shiraku leaned in close to his ear and whispered, “Wake up or I will shout down your ear hole. I’ve heard that shadow talons have very sensitive hearing.”
“Okay you have me! I’ll get up!” Zoltar cried, twisting way from Shiraku. The last thing he needed was a head ache.
“See, I told you I was good at waking dragons up,” Shiraku said smugly.
“In a rather rude way,” Zoltar mumbled to himself as he rubbed his eyes and stretched like a cat.
“Come on guys we need to hunt before we loose to much daylight,” Felistia urged as she plunged out the entrance and into the sun light.
Yawning, Zoltar followed, still feeling very sluggish. Shiraku whizzed past him on the way out and nearly knocked him off his feet.
“Rrr, I don’t know whether I prefer her grumpy at me or like this. Either way she's getting on my nerves,” Zoltar grumbled, flying after Shiraku’s departing tail.
The night’s storm looked like it had cleansed the forest. Drops of crystal clear water slid down emerald leaves onto the ground below. All the rich scents of the jungle seemed to have come alive during the night. The sweet notes of the birds sounded brighter and the whole forest just felt more colourful as Zoltar flew over the canopy.
“Keep your eyes open for prey,” Felistia called back to Zoltar. Her golden eyes were trained on the trees below.
“Why don’t we separate? That way we can cover more ground,” Zoltar suggested. He hoped Felistia would say yes. He really needed to look for the tablet the shadow talon soldiers had lost in the forest. Autumn was fading fast and that meant he had little over nine months left to find the ruby. He'd spent enough time on the island and now he needed to move on. He already had a lead on where the tablet was and he was sure that he'd find it near or in the beast's cave.
“Okay, but meet back at the cave before sundown,” Felistia answered, flying off to the south of the island.
“See you at sunset,” Shiraku called, heading in the opposite direction from Felistia.
‘Now to look for that tablet,’ Zoltar thought, soaring off to the east, ‘I will have to brave the beast's cave.' A thin shiver of fear ran down his spine as he remembered the beast's terrifying roars and his fellow shadow talons screams. Zoltar heaved a shuddering breathe. He'd just have to squish down his fear and complete the mission. The shadow talons needed the island and it was up to him to finish the mission to get the Ruby of Fire.
After about an hour or so Zoltar arrive back at the clearing he’d visited two days ago with Emerald. He landed on the wet, soot covered earth. The forest surrounding the clearing was dark as ever. He cautiously crept into the trees, his eyes darting from shadow to shadow. Anything could be lurking in the gloom, watching him with hungry eyes. Fear ran over his scales like a stream of terror, trying to convince him to turn back. Small beads of water dropped down on Zoltar's scales as he walked through the gloomy forest towards the Exltron’s den. The scent of the shadow talons was masked by the new earthy smells erupting from the undergrowth.
Zoltar had to snuffle around in the leaf litter before he could find the trail, but it was there, pulling him towards its source. Soon he was right were Emerald had left him two days ago. The entrance to the cave was like the gapping mouth of a ravenous beast just waiting to swallow him whole.
Zoltar didn't know whether it was his mind playing tricks on him, but he was sure the sulphur smell was stronger than before.
‘Must just be my imagination,’ Zoltar thought, focussing on the inky depths in front of him. He slowly inched forward, taking the outmost care not to make a sound. His eyes and ears strained for the slightest hint of danger.
The cave ended shortly a few meters into the mountainside. The floor was padded with rotting leaves and branches and the smell clouding the air was nearly unbearable. In the far corner, almost hidden in the gloom was a ghostly white shadow talon skeleton.
Zoltar edged closer to the bones.Were his eyes deceiving him or was the shadow talon holding the rock slab?
‘He is,’ Zoltar realized, gently taking the tablet out of the shadow talons claws.
Just then Zoltar’s keen ears pick up the sound of a twig snapping outside. It didn't sound very far away. 'The Exltron must be near by,' Zoltar realized as he heard a few more branches crack. Biting down on the stone slab he dashed out the cave and into the forest. He raced for the clearing as quickly and quietly as he could.
Suddenly a bone chilling roar fill the air and Zoltar’s gut twisted. The beast had discovered where he’d been and by the sound of it, it was not happy.
Zoltar broke into a run, tearing through the forest. He didn’t care if he made a noise, all he knew was that he needed to get out of there and fast. Twigs cracked under his feet as he hurtled over bushes and fallen branches. Sticks and stones flew out from under his paws as he raced for the clearing.
Zoltar thought he was going to make it..... maybe he’d get out the forest in time, but then he heard a sound that made his blood run cold. The pounding of paws against the undergrowth and the clang of claws hitting stones.
‘Not again,' Zoltar thought, picking up the pace. He wasn’t going to make it in time. The beast would catch up to him before he could reach the clearing. He was going to have to try something else.
Zoltar looked around the woods, desperately looking for a place to escape. He spied a cave carved out of the mountain side. The entrance was so well hidden by thick bushes and dangling creepers that Zoltar nearly ran past it. Only at the last second did he realize it was a cave and swerved towards it. He plunged through the opening, the thorny bushes scraping his scales with spear like points.
Zoltar ducked into the shadows, hoping that his dark scales would hide him from the beasts glowing red eyes. The earth stopped trembling as the Exltron slowed to a stop outside Zoltar’s cave. It snuffled around, trying to pick up the shadow talons scent. The Exltron stopped sniffing after a few seconds and let out a roar of triumph. It charged nose to the ground straight towards where Zoltar was crouching. It rammed its ugly black head through the entrance and stopped short. It was stuck. No matter how it struggled and pawed at the ground, it could not get in.
‘It must be too big to fit through the opening,’ Zoltar thought, but his relief was short lived as the Exltron began throwing itself against the cave in fiery. Cracks scuttled over the ceiling and walls and small rocks began tumbled down from the top of the cave. They whacked against Zoltar’s wings and back, sending spurts of sharp pain shoot over his body as the Exltron angrily hurled its self against the walls. Zoltar looked around wildly for a place to escape the tsunami of rocks falling from the ceiling. The only escape was farther into the cave, down a long twisting tunnel that disappeared into black nothingness. Zoltar wasn't sure he wanted to do into the darkness. Anything could be down that, waiting with clawed fingers and cold dead eyes.
The Exltron thundered another blood curdling roar and Zoltar tossed his fears to the wind. If anything was waiting for him down there it was far safer than waiting for the Exltron to bust its way into the cave. Turning tail and running, Zoltar let the darkness swallow him until nothing but blackness surrounded him and the dull thumps of the Exltron still trying to get in.
Zoltar stopped walking and looked around, letting his nocturnal eyes adjust to the gloom. The tunnel stretched out endlessly into more darkness and side passages twisted off from the main one. It would be easy to get lost in these tunnels and that was the last thing he needed right now. The light from outside still let off a faint glow along the length of passage behind him so he knew which way was back. All he needed to do now was to wait for the Exltron to grow tired of ramming its self against the walls and leave.
With a soft sigh, Zoltar lay down on the cool rock floor. His wings and scales were burning like fire, but Zoltar couldn't see properly enough to see whether there was any real damage. He'd just have to be patient and wait till he could go out into the sunlight. He could feel drowsiness slowly sank in and he found himself closing his eyes. It could be a good few hours before it was safe to come out and he might as well get some rest in the meantime just so long as he kept his ears open for danger.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hello again!
Well wasn't this exciting!!
Before I get too deep into this review, I want to add to my review of chapter 13 by saying I don't think it needs to be combined with this one or chapter 12. I think you just need to add to 13. This chapter didn't pick up where I thought I would. I thought there would be further discussion or something about hearing the beast. Instead, it's Zoltar waking up again.
So you'll lose your cliff-hanger at the end of 12 but I think you should develop that ending a bit more with a discussion about the beast. You could address some of my questions or take it a different direction. But then I would also show Zoltar going back to sleep so it makes sense that he wakes up again.
This analysis of his dream didn't make a lot of sense to me. It was just a dream. Why does he need to analyze what he's going to do? He's not in this situation and he may not ever even be in this situation. Why would they even need to go to war? Why would the shadow talons want to live here? It has the same problem as their area because there's a beast here too. And why couldn't two different tribes live in the same area? Would they be competing for resources too much? What would the issue be? And I was under the impression that with the Ruby of Fire, the leaders or whoever would destroy this beast and then there wouldn't be a problem anymore. If that's the case, then why would the shadow talons have to move at all? I need Zoltar to explain himself a bit more.
We've had a couple of scenes now showing Zoltar waking up and Felistia/Shiraku helping/encouraging him to wake up. It's starting to feel repetitive. I don't think you need to show him waking up here. I think he could wake up and then they can get right on with what they're going to do today.
He follows, but he has no idea where they're going or what they're doing. Instead of the discussion about waking him up, how about a discussion about what they're going to do today.
This would be a good opportunity to include some of his internal monologue and his thoughts. He's suggesting this because he wants to get away from the group so he can go search for the tablet. Before he says this, try including some of his thoughts about how he's not really into hunting right now and he'd rather do this other thing because.... And I would still like to know why he feels like he needs to do this by himself and why the others can't know about it.
These thoughts feel a bit one-dimensional. How does he feel about this? What is his plan? Beef these thoughts up a bit.
Super little thing - I would add "with Emerald" at the end of the sentence. He's done a lot of traveling and I think making the connection to Emerald will help the readers remember exactly where he is.
He's cautious and his eyes are darting around, but give me a bit more about what's going through his mind right now and how he feels. Slow all of this down to add to the suspense and the fear. You did that really well in a previous chapter. (Can't remember where but I remember saying that at some point)
When did we enter a cave? I thought we were in the forest?
Where was the beast during all of this? Was it somewhere in that cave? How did it not sense Zoltar was there until now?
This guy is going to have brain damage soon!
I mentioned this a little earlier, but once Zoltar gets into the clearing and starts this little mission, I want a lot more thoughts and feelings. I already feel like I'm there with Zoltar becasue the descriptions are so strong, now I want to feel like I get Zoltar. You show his feeling pretty well, but I want more thoughts. When you do it, it's great, but I want more. And I don't think you always have to "show" us Zoltar's thoughts (as in they don't always have to be italics). I think you could weave them into your prose like... "Zoltar moved towards the beast's cave. His heart raced in anticipation and his mind flew through all of the possibilities of what he could find inside - the tablet, a dead shadow talon, the beast, or nothing at all." He's thinking about what might happen and you can tell he's worried about it because his heart is racing. The reader isn't "seeing" the thoughts, but we know what he's thinking about.
Overall though, another strong chapter and I'm looking forward to the next one! Let me know if you have any questions or if anything was confusing and I'll see you soon!
Hi Felistia!
Thanks for being patient with me! It's been a rather hectic week with me finishing up my college course, and I was really excited when I finally found a little time to read and review your novel!
Ach should be ache.
It may just be me, but I don't like the way the growl is written. Since it's an onomatopoeia (a word that imitates sound), you could italicize it, or just say "she/he growled".
This sentence seems a bit run-on. Maybe make the last section ("but then he heard...") a different sentence. Instead of a comma separating the first two sections, you could use something else... Example: "Zoltar thought he was going to make it - maybe he'd get out of the forest in time." Or "Zoltar thought he was going to make it... Maybe he'd get out of the forest in time." Or something like that.
Story Style:
I think that you may have too much action in your novel. One thing, right after another happens - and although I can keep up with you okay, other readers.
Other than that, this was good! A nice cliff-hanger at the end, and it's good that you're still progressing the plot with Zoltar looking for the slab. Great job, and keep writing!
~Snazzy
Stay awesome!
Thank you for the review. I will fix it when I get the chance and I will slow down on the action from now on.
Hello again! Here's your review!
Great job again!
First, I'll start off with the bits that need work:
'‘If I side with the wisp talons I will be betraying me tribe and if I side with the shadow talons the wisp talons will die.'
This should probably have a comma after wisp talons (It's a cool name for a type of dragon!) and shadow talons.
Also, maybe 'and' should be substituted with 'but'.
'‘Well maybe I could get the Ruby of Fire and threaten the Hisster to live with the wisp talons. That could work. Yes I’ll do that,’'
There should be a comma after 'yes'.
'“Let me handle this.” Tsunami growled, walking up to Zoltar.'
There should be a comma after her line.
'“Okay you have me. I’ll get up,” Zoltar cried, twisting way from Tsunami.'
Because you said that he 'cried', maybe each sentence he says (which adds up to two) should end with a exclamation mark.
'“Come on guys we are loosening day light,”'
Ok, two things here:
1: 'Loosening' means that something is relaxing or to make something less tight. I think that you mean 'losing'.
2: 'Day light' is one word. (Daylight)
'...before sun down,” Felistia answered, flying off to the south of the island.'
'Sun down' is one word. (Sundown)
'“See you at sun set,” Tsunami called, heading in the opposite direction from Felistia.'
'Sun set' is one word. (Sunset)
'‘I will have to brave the beasts cave. I need that slab of rock.’'
The beast owns the cave, so ' beasts ' should be ' beast's '.
'The cave ended shortly a few meters into the mountain side.'
'Mountain side' is one word.
'short lived as the Exltron began throwing itself against the pillar in fiery.'
I'm confused by the 'pillar in fiery' part. Perhaps there is something missing?
Now for the better bits!
I love the rush that you've got here. It's just so intense! Yet again, you leave me wanting more. That's a good thing; it's a writer's job, isn't it?
There' really nothing more that I can tell you that I haven't already. (Copy and paste all of my reviews of Search for the Ruby of Fire here)
Never stop writing!
-Holographic Ladybug : )
Thank you for the for the review. I will get around to fixing it when I can.
Fixed.