The sea of scowling faces bore down on Zoltar as he walked through the hazy town. Dragons were snarling and growling at him. Hot flames and freezing breath licked his scales as dragons hissed angrily.
“I didn’t do anything,” Zoltar pleaded, covering his face with his wings.
“But you did,” an icy voice snarled. Emerald stepped out of the crowd, her scales were rolling clouds of bright crimson and midnight black.
“I had to. My tribe would have died if they had stayed in the shadow lands,” Zoltar begged, close to tears. He’d had to do it. Shadow talons and wisp talons couldn’t live together. No tribe had ever lived together.
“You’re no better than the shadow talons who drove the sea talons away from the Ocean of Dreams,” Shiraku roared from next to Emerald, her tail lashing from side to side.
“How could you?” Felistia hissed from behind Shiraku, her face was cross and yet sad.
“The wisp talons are now going to die. We needed that island. We can only go for a few weeks without Claifie roots. Now we can’t camouflage from our enemies. We could have shared the island, but being a typical shadow talon you chased us away. I don’t want to ever see your face again,” Emerald swung round and plunged back into the crowd.
“No Emerald, I didn’t mean it,” Zoltar cried.
“Then what did you mean?” Shiraku ask, savagely swiping at Zoltar’s snout. He ducked, but still looked miserable.
“I don’t know. I was just following orders.”
“Well maybe you should stop to think before follow orders. Think about other dragons’ feelings before acting,” Felistia spat as she turned to go with Shiraku.
“No, no. I didn’t mean for this to happen,” Zoltar wept, sinking to his knees.
“Wake up! Wake up,” a worried voice worked through the nightmare, pulling Zoltar out of his misery and back to the cave. “Come on you big lug, wake up. Don’t tell me you’ve died. I haven’t got to tell you I’m sorry for judging you so quickly. I was wrong. You're not like the other shadow talons. Grrr, wake up.”
Zoltar opened his eyes and blinked. He was staring at Shiraku. She was standing next to him, gently shaking him. “I’m alright,” Zoltar murmured, rubbing his head. It felt a bit water logged.
Shiraku stopped shaking him and a fleeting look of relief flashed over her face.
"Don't ever black out on me again, shadow talon," She yelled, but her voice was soft.
“Shiraku, stop barking at him, he just woke up!” Felistia shouted from across the cave.
Zoltar looked around. The cave was pitch black even with his night vison. The wind howled outside and the storm rumbled ominously. Rain smacked against the vines blocking the entrance and Zoltar was sure he could hear hail smashing on rock.
Suddenly a blood curdling scream filled the damp air closely followed by a thundering roar that sent chills running down Zoltar’s spine. Shiraku growled softly beside him.
“What was that,” Zoltar whispered as though whatever was out there would hear him.
“The beast has killed again,” Felistia hissed gravely.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hello again!
This was a pretty short chapter so this will probably be a pretty short review.
These dreams Zoltar has been having are interesting to me. I might be looking into things too much, but I'm wondering if they're somehow connected to where he is (like the island or area of the island he's on) because they started after he got here and now he's having one a night and so far they're about things he fears. Felistia said she has nightmares too so maybe it's a function or part of the punishment island?
The town - what town? Where are we?
Why not?
He opened his eyes and yet Shiraku didn't notice and continued to shake him?
And I'm sorry for what? What does she have to apologize for? Judging him? Being mean to him? (This kind of goes back to what I said at the end of the last chapter). Maybe she wants to thank him? And why does she suddenly have this much interest in him and making sure he's okay?
Don't do what?
Okay so this beast. Is it all the same beast? Like is the beast that killed Zoltar's friends in the very beginning the same beast that killed the soldiers and that he had to hide from with Emerald here? And is this the same beast they're hearing now? Or is it a species of beast and there are more than one?
I'm also curious with the cave being super dark, is that because of the storm or did the girls make it that way to protect themselves? Like is there any chance that the beast could find them in the cave and now they have to be careful because it's on the prowl?
Overall, this chapter was a bit underwhelming compared to some of your previous chapters. The dream was interesting and the cliff-hanger is there but nothing really happens that moves the plot or the characters forward. This feelings like a filler or a transition chapter and I have a feeling it can be combined with whatever comes after this. You could combine it with the previous chapter but then that one will start to get a bit long since that one was already a bit longer. I might give more thoughts on this chapter in the next chapter review.
Let me know if you have any questions/if anything was confusing and I'll see you in the next chapter!
Hola again felistia =) I'm trying out a new kind of critique, so you have to tell me if it's good or not =P
Okay, so instead of focusing mainly on what I don't like, I'm going to focus on the things that I like. That way people won't just get to know what they're doing wrong, but they can improve on what they are doing good =)
So, first off. I love the nightmare that Zoltar has. Not only is it really good in the writing department (I especially liked "Zoltar pleaded, covering his face with his wings" good job at showing and not telling!) but it really helps readers build up on their image of Zoltar, instead of just getting some thoughts from him about how he's worrying over the future. Though some may argue that dreams are overused, I think it fits really well here!
Haha, I love when Shiraku is telling Zoltar to wake up! Her rough worriment over him goes with her character quite nicely! Um, though I do have a bit of a nitpick here. Shiraku seems like a dragon who guards her feelings very well. Instead of saying that her relief was all over her face, maybe you could say that a fleeting look of relief seemed to flash over her face.
And the ending is absolutismy amazing. The blood curdling scream plus the storm really sets the scene to end this chapter with readers wanting more =)
So that's it for now! And might I just steal HolographicLadybug's evil laugh? Because the beast is stirring; MWHAHAHAHAHAAA
Thank you for the review. I do like the new format, but I think that you should focus on the bad and the good, so like half you normal review and half this review. That would be perfect. I normally add the good stuff in the beginning and add the bad stuff at the end. I really like reading about dreams in the books I read, because you can be a bit over the top with them being a dream and all. Thank you for the review.
Hokey Dokey =) Thanks felistia! I'm trying to perfect my critique before the November Review Day begins/
Ah! Hiss! You stole my evil laugh!
Hey Felistia!
You have good description, and the dream in the beginning was very believable! Now for the (very short) review:
So this review will be really short, because I couldn't find much 'wrong' with it!
I may be wrong - but I think 'spins' is a typo, unless it's a part of a dragon, which in that case I would specify what a "spin" was.
Other than that, this was fantastic! Another chapter well done! Good job, and keep writing!
~Snazzy
Stay awesome!
Greetings yet again! You know why I'm here!
(Thank you for informing me, by the way!)
I'm excited, yet again, to read another piece from you!
There's really nothing that I can tell you that I haven't already, so I'll give it my all to say something new!
Things feel like they're starting to get really exciting here. THE BEAST HAS AWAKENED!!!!!!! (Mwhahaha!)
I'm starting to feel that you're setting up Emerald for a special position in your story. (That's good because I like her character.)
And Zoltar's dream..... Do I sense foreshadowing there?
I'm super eager to find out what happens next.
I guess that's all form me.
Till next time! (Or never.)
Holographic Ladybug