z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Quest for Fire Book One ~ Into the Mists Chapter 10

by felistia


“Who are you,” Zoltar asked through the paw clamping him to the floor.

“I was about to ask you that,” the creature snarled back, “what are you doing here?”

“I’m Zoltar and I was just walking through the forest looking for food. Now get off me,” Zoltar hissed crossly. This something was sticking its claws into his scales and was sitting on him in the most indignifying way.

“Fine, but no funny business!” she exclaimed, slowly releasing her grip as she got off him.

Zoltar jumped up, rubbing his jaw irritably. He looked at his attacker and gasped. It was a wisp talon; her scales rippling streams of colours. Her tail was long and whip like and her claws were hooks that could easily open a coconut in one slash.

“Wow,” Zoltar murmured staring at the waves of gold and emerald rolling down the wisp talons sides.

“Sorry if I was to rough,” the wisp talon apologised, “You can never be too carful around these parts.” Her golden eyes darted at the dead shadow talons around Zoltar.

“It’s okay,” Zoltar said, opening and closing his wings trying to get out the stiff feeling, “if I had been in the same place I probably would have done the same thing." Then a flash of realization spread across his face and he asked in a slightly annoyed voice, "Have you been following me?”

Suddenly an ear splitting roar filled the air behind them and the ground shook from the stamp of heavy paws.

“Quick!” the wisp talon hissed. “Into the trees.”

She bolted past Zoltar and scrambled up the nearest tree as easily as a squirrel. As her emerald tail disappeared through the deep green leaves Zoltar anxiously looked around for a gap in the trees. He couldn’t climb and the forest was too thick for him to fly through. His mind raced, looking for a way out. There was no Scorpus to save him now and he was miles away from the clearing he had landed in a few hours ago.

“Are you coming?” the wisp talon asked almost in a confused manner, poking her head back through the leaves.

“I can’t climb,” Zoltar exclaimed in terror, franticly scrabbling at the bark in the hope that he might be able to climb the vertical trunk. The metallic clanging of razor sharp talons against rock was getting louder and the bushes in front of Zoltar were starting to glow red.

“Grab on!” the wisp talon shouted, swinging her tail down through the leaves. Zoltar lunged forward, grabbing her tail.

“Oof, you are heavy,” the wisp talon gasped, hauling Zoltar up onto the trees lower branches. Zoltar scrabbled at the wood, trying to get a foothold on the dry timber. Chunks of wrinkly bark dropped to the ground under Zoltar, making dull thudding as they hit the soil.

With one last heave the wisp talon managed to drag Zoltar up onto the branch. Zoltar dug his claws into the bough and clung there like a scared cat.

“How much do you weigh?” the wisp talon huffed, sitting on the branch next to Zoltar.

“It's muscles,” Zoltar pouted in a dignified manner, “I'm a trained warrior, you know.”

“Shh,” the wisp talon hissed, turning a shade of dark emerald that matched the green around her.

Zoltar looked down and his heart stood still. The beast was just below him. The gold veined spikes along its back gleamed in the dappled light streaming down from the trees above. Muscles rippled under it sleek, black fur. It was busy snuffling at the patch of ground Zoltar had been standing on. It look up as though alerted by a noise overhead. Zoltar ducked behind some leafy branches, hoping the extra cover would hide him. The creature had one last look around, its glowing red eyes scanning the forest around it. When it could find nothing the beast lumbered back the way it had come, trampling bushes as it went. All was silent except for the sound of Zoltar heart hammering in his chest and his shaky breaths.

“You’re new around here,” the wisp talon said unexpectedly. The sudden noise caused Zoltar to temporarily lose his balance on the branch he was on. He flailed his wings wildly trying to regain control, but slowly he tipped backwards. He ended up hanging upside down from his tail like bat, his legs pawing at the air as if the branch was still there.

“Definitely new,” the wisp talon said playfully, laughing as she gently floating down to the ground and turned to face the upside down shadow talon.

Zoltar wrinkled his snout and scowled irritably, blowing plumes of smoke that ended up clouding around his face and muzzle. Zoltar coughed.

“Let me help you down,” giggled the wisp talon, thoroughly enjoying herself. Her scales were a seething tide of pinks and purples.

“I can get down myself,” Zoltar huffed as he swung from the branch and landed facing the other way. He turned to face the now mountain stream blue wisp talon. She was trying to keep a straight face, but her scales gave it away, with little bursts of cherry pink popping out from under the vail of blue.

Rolling his eyes in exasperation, Zoltar decided to try and change the subject. “You never answered my question,” he gesturing for her to follow him into the forest.

“What question,” the wisp talon asked, following Zoltar, but keeping her distance at the same time.

“I asked if you were following me. I heard noises behind me while I was traveling through the woods,” Zoltar explained, stopping to sniff at a disturbance in the leaf litter. It smelled of shadow talon. One of the shadow talons in the group must have got away somehow.

'He must have the rock slab,' Zoltar thought as he followed the scent into a deeper part of the jungle.

“Well yes, I wanted to see whether you were a threat or not. Why do you think I attacked you?” the wisp talon asked from behind Zoltar.

“Well,” Zoltar started, “I don’t know.” He was still thinking about the shadow talons and wasn’t paying his full attention to the wisp talon.

“There are a few dragons on this island that are from the mainland and they are not friendly. The latest ones have been a sea talon and ice talon,” the wisp talon explained. “But they won’t last very long. They never do.”

“Mm,” Zoltar mumbled absentmindedly. The scent of shadow talon was getting stronger

“Anyway I didn’t get to tell you my name. It’s Emerald,” the wisp talon smiled, showing her sparkling white teeth.

“Mm hmm,” Zoltar muttered, picking up the pace. The smell was unmistakable now, but there was another acidic scent tied in with it, one that smelled of chemicals and volcano gas.

“Wait!” Emerald suddenly hissed, dashing over to Zoltar, “You can’t go that way.”

“Why,” Zoltar asked, stopping for a second.

“That’s where the beast lives,” Emerald explained, her scales a pale red and brown. Zoltar peered into the dark trees. The air was a misty yellow that had distinct odour of sulphur.

“Emerald,” Zoltar started slowly, “does this island have a volcano on it?”

“Yes, but it hasn’t erupted in decades. Why do you think the island is so lush in vegetation? The lava from the last explosion left lots of minerals in the earth making the island fertile enough to sustain large bursts of plant life. That’s why the forest is at its thickest around this mountain, it has the most nutrients for miles around. The beast prefers to hunt in this part of the forest, where it is well hidden from its prey. We wisp talons never go into that part of the woods. We live on the slope of the mountain next to this one, so that the forest is still lush with fruit, but not a perfect hunting ground. We have to live in the trees so that the beast can’t catch us. It can’t climb, fly or swim, but we still have to go to the ground for water and certain foods we require."

I was gathering roots this week for the village and I was busy digging up a tuber when you crept past. I followed you and that how we have ended up together,” Emerald smiled sadly. Zoltar could see there was something that she wasn’t telling him.

“Is there something else you want to say? I can see it on your face,” Zoltar said, trying to encourage her to tell him.

“Yes,” she sighed, “we really want to get off the island and away from that awful beast,”

“But the beasts have been here for centuries,” Zoltar said, confused. “Why do you want to get of the island now?

"There is only one more beast left on the island; the others died out long ago, but we are still plagued by it. It has grown smarter over the years and has learned to gnaw at the tree trunks to topple them and the wisp talons roosting on them. It never hibernates anymore. It gets at least one wisp talon a week.

There used to be hundreds of us, but now between the beast attacking us and the wisp talons that brave the maze's predators, we are slowly going extinct and there is nothing we can do,” Emerald heaved another great sigh. Clouds of grey and black rolled across her wings and scales.

Zoltar didn’t know how to respond. The news about the wisp talons decreasing in numbers was a good thing for the shadow talons. It meant that if they had to go to war with the wisp talons they would almost certainly win. Zoltar knew he should have been happy about it, after all he was a shadow talon and he knew the hardships his tribe had to go through every day since the volcano had erupted, but somewhere in his heart he knew it wasn’t right. This was the wisp talon’s home and it wouldn’t be right to take their home and kill them if they fought back. They were here first, but what of the shadow talons then? Were they doomed to stay in the shadow lands until they went extinct? The shadow talons had no choice. It was them or the wisp talons and Zoltar knew that he had to side with his tribe. The wisp talons would just have to find a new home somewhere out on the continent.

“Anyway...I have to go,"  Emerald said suddenly as she turned to go back into the forest, "Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow?" she probed almost hopfuly, smiling warmly at Zoltar. “Oh, I almost forgot,” she stated, pausing to look over her shoulder at Zoltar, “Don’t go out after dark,” and with a flick of her tail she disappeared into the dark green forest, leaving Zoltar to his thoughts.


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Sat Mar 12, 2016 7:17 pm
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! :D

Zoltar jumped up, rubbing his jaw irritably. He looked at his attacker and gasped. It was a dragon, but her scales were rippling streams of colours. Her tail was long and whip like and her claws were hooks that could easily open a coconut in one slash.

You have this nice long description of what she looks like, but I would conclude it with something like "Zoltar recognized her as a wisp talon". You later start referring to her as a wisp dragon so I would connect that dot.

There was no Scorpus to save him now and he was miles away from the clearing he had landed in a few hours ago.

There was another dragon with him way back when (I forgot the other dragon's name) yet in times of trial or in this moment that resembles what happened before, he only thinks of Scorpus. I get that Scorpus was his friend and they were close, but the other dragon helped save him too, right?

“It is muscles,” Zoltar pouted in a dignified manner, “I am a trained warrior, you know.”

Contractions would make the dialogue sound more natural. "It's muscles" and "I'm a trained"

'He must have the rock slab,' Zoltar thought as he followed the scent into a deeper part of the jungle.

It sort of makes sense and it adds a new fun layer, but why does Zoltar assume this?

“There are a few dragons on this island that are from the mainland and they are not friendly. The latest ones have been a sea talon and ice talon,” the wisp talon explained. “But they won’t last very long. They never do.”

I'm guessing she's referring to the dragons he stayed with yesterday?

“Yes, but it hasn’t erupted in decades. Why do you think the island is so lush in vegetation? The lava from the last explosion left lots of minerals in the earth making the island fertile enough to sustain large bursts of plant life. That’s why the forest is at its thickest around this mountain, it has the most nutrients for miles around. The beast prefers to hunt in this part of the forest, where it is well hidden from its prey. We wisp talons never go into that part of the woods. We live on the slope of the mountain next to this one, so that the forest is still lush with fruit, but not a perfect hunting ground. We have to live in the trees so that the beast can’t catch us. It can’t climb, fly or swim, but we still have to go to the ground for water and certain foods we require."

"This scales that camouflage gig has a price, we have to eat Claifie roots to keep our scales from turning a dull grey. The Claifie roots only grow in this part of the forest and that explains what I am doing here. It’s my turn to gather roots this week for the village and I was busy digging up a tuber when you crept past.

All of this starts to get a bit info-dumpy for my taste. I like some of these world details and it definitely helps with my understanding, but it starts to become a little much. I think the first paragraph is good and fine, but then the stuff about the Claifie roots started to get into the territory of do we really need to know this right now? I would cut from "This scales that..." to "...what I am doing here."

Zoltar could see there was something that she wasn’t telling him.

I love secrets!! :D

“Yes,” she sighed, “we really want to get off the island and away from that awful beast,”

aaaand then you revealed her secret. I know it's not a huge secret, but if she's going to stick around, I think you should hold onto her secret longer to create another fun sub-plot.

Zoltar didn’t know how to respond. The news about the wisp talons decreasing in numbers was a good thing for the shadow talons. It meant that if they had to go to war with the wisp talons they would almost certainly win.

I'm curious about this dog-eat-dog mentality with the different types of dragons. Since they're all dragons, I would assume they would all like each other or get along to some degree just to preserve their species as a whole from their enemies. Yet each group seems to be against the other groups and doesn't care about hurting one group for their own gains. I get that to some degree it's every group for themselves, but when there is this big other threat, why not unite for a common good? Like here, why would the shadow talons need to go to war with the wisps? Would it be to take over their island? Couldn't they live here together? Why would he want to wipe out an entire group of dragons?

“You’re thinking about something.” Emerald said suddenly, taking Zoltar by surprise.

“I’m not,” Zoltar said quickly, unable to think of a good excuse.

“Okay then,” Emerald said, sounding unconvinced. She glanced up at the canopy.

“I have to go. Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow,” Emerald said, turning to go back into the forest.

This felt a little awkward and abrupt to me.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” she stated, pausing to look over her shoulder at Zoltar, “Don’t go out after dark,” and with a flick of her tail she disappeared into the dark green forest, leaving Zoltar to his thoughts.

I really liked this ending and her little warning to him. I feel like that's foreshadowing to some degree or that it's going to be important later ;)


Overall, I thought this was one of your stronger chapters. I really liked Emerald. She had a lot of personality right out of the gate and I want more of that from Zoltar. He still feels a bit flat to me and I still don't feel like I really know him. Again, easier said than done, but it's important because we're hanging out with this guy quite a bit. :)

Let me know if you have any questions! See you soon :D




felistia says...


Thank you for another great review. I have fix most of the mistakes along with the info dump. Some of the things will be answered later on. :D



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Fri Jan 29, 2016 5:50 pm
writerkitty wrote a review...



Hello! it's writer12345 here to give a review.
I love the new character. She's pretty funny and messes around with Zoltar. :D :D :D
That actually cracked me up. Zoltar must have been really annoyed by her. Oh, and it seems like this wisp talon is really beautiful. (cool!) And she even helped Zoltar, is this the start of a new friendship? (I hope I'll find that out in the next chapters.)

Okay, that's enough about the new character, I'll go onto the next part.
Hmm, once again you did a magnificent job with the descriptions (thumbs up!) ;)
And I think we're moving deep into the story; I think we are heading to new areas and secrets...

I did find a small nitpick,
I caught this small mistake,
“Are you coming,” the wisp talon asked, poking her head back through the leaves.

There should be a question mark after 'coming', because this is a question.


“Anyway I didn’t get to tell you my name. It’s Emerald,” the wisp talon smiled, showing her sparkling white teeth.

I also got a little confused when I was reading this line. Did Zoltar say that first part. (I'm sure he did)
Try separating the two, because it's said by two different characters. :)


Anyway this was a really interesting (and funny :D) chapter and I'm really looking forward to read the rest.
Never stop writing and have a great day! :D
writer12345




felistia says...


Thank you for the review. As always it was helpful. About the line you were confused with, Emerald did say all that. Anyway thank you for another great review. :D



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Tue Jan 26, 2016 9:28 am
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Lightsong wrote a review...



This review is brought to you by Read and Review Shop

Alright. Let's review this thing. :D

Nitpicks.

Spoiler! :
“Who are you,” Zoltar asked through the paw clamping him to the floor.


He asked through the paw clamping him to the floor? O.o Wasn't he asking with his mouth? ;) Rephrase this so it makes sense.

“I was about to ask you that,” the creature snarled back, “What are you doing here.”


Wrong use of dialogue tag here, specifically the second comma. If you want to use that kind of comma, the dialogue should be a part broken into two. Example: 'I was about to ask you,' the creature snarled back, 'what are you doing here?' See, I break the dialogue here while yours have two independent sentences. Replace comma with a period.

This something was stick its claws into his scales and was sitting on him in the most indignifying way.


'Sticking' instead of 'stick', 'undignifying' instead of 'indignifying'.

“Fine, but no funny business,” she exclaimed, slowly releasing her grip as she got off him.


One exclaims with an exclamation mark, so put that in the place of the second comma in the dialogue.

“How much do you weigh?” the wisp talon huffed, sitting on the branch next to Zoltar.

“It is muscles,” Zoltar pouted in a dignified manner, “I am a trained warrior, you know.”


I like this exchange. Zoltar's acting cute and the wisp talon is funny.

“Definitely new,” the wisp talon laughed as she gently floating down to the ground and turned to face the upside down shadow talon.


Nu. NUUU. You don't laugh while saying that. You say that, then laugh. '... the wisp talon said, laughing as...'

“Years ago the Misty Maze was part of the island, it was called the Pillars of Limestone back then, but seventy years ago there was a dramatic rise in sea level and it flooded the columns, we didn’t think much of it then. We could just fly through the pillars to the main land since there was no mist back then. We adapted to the change, but then four decades ago, the Shang Fu moved in. Strong enough to pull a dragon out of flight and fast swimmers they were lethal predators and to make it worse they created the mist.

Don’t ask me how, they just did it. There is a chemical in the mist that stops us from camouflaging, we found this out the hard way on our next migration forty years ago. Hundreds of wisp talons died that day. You see we used to travel to the continent in winter and autumn when the beasts were hunting and came back again when the beasts were in hibernation. There was no maze stopping us, but now we are trapped,” Emerald heaved another sigh, “We had to adjust to living in the trees, because we couldn’t get off the island when the beasts were out. Slowly over the years the beasts have almost died out from the lack of food. There are only wisp talons for them to feed on now, unlike before when they could prey on the sand hoppers in the mist maze. There is only one more beast left on the island, but we are still plagued by it. It has grown smarter over the years and has learned to gnaw at the tree trunks to topple them and the wisp talons roosting on them. It never hibernates anymore. It gets at least one wisp talon a week.

There used to be hundreds of us, but now between the beast attacking us and the wisp talons that brave the maze, we are slowly going extinct and there is nothing we can do,” Emerald heaved another great sigh. Clouds of grey and black rolled across her wings and scales.


Info-dumpppp. Not to mention, the paragraphs are rather long - it makes me want to skip these parts, which I did. ._. Try not to info-dump, here. Stop at the part where Emerald talked about her going here was to get the roots. Other things can be explained later on when it's natural to do so. Show, don't tell - which includes this info-dumping.


I didn't expect Zoltar's offender to be another kind of dragon. But then again, I was so adamant with the offender being the fourth shadow talon sent by Hisster.

Anyway, I like this chapter. Most of it is because Emerald's such an interesting character. She's funny, badass, and helpful to her people. I hope we'd see more of her and how the wisp talons live. Their ability to camouflage is interesting and useful to hide from predators. The price that comes with it forces Emerald to gather roots in this dangerous forest, so her bravery is admired.

Zoltar also came to a big decision here - whether to choose his people or Emerald's when their kinds fought each other. At the end, he chose his own people, and I could relate to that. Although Emerald had helped him hiding from the beast, it'd take a lot more than that for him to warm up to her kind. What troubles me, though, is that after Emerald explained her people was decreasing, Zoltar was thinking that would be good to shadow talons if they fought against Emerald's people. I knew he would think to this point, but I thought his first reaction that news was to be pitied with Emerald before thinking about the possible scenario of their kinds fighting each other. The train of thought didn't seem like in the right order here.

Anyway, that's all I can say for this chapter. Keep up the good job! :D




felistia says...


Thank you for another great review. I have fixed all the problems and slashed out the info dump. Thanks again. :D



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Sun Nov 22, 2015 11:38 pm
FallWolf says...



Hola felistia =)
WARNING, I am totally going to give you a very very bad (as in mean) review. I hope I don't hurt your feelings, this is a very nice peice and you have a very good writing voice, but there is certain... problems that I feel I should address before reading further.
I have a bit of a problem, and I just have to ask: have you ever read the series Wings of Fire by Tui T. Sutherland? Because once again you have added a dragon strikingly similar to Tui's species. Emerald and her tribe sounds amazingly close to the Rainwings. If you have read that series and are basing your dragon species off of her work, please please PLEASE comment that this is a fanfiction (Fanfiction: fiction written by fans of a TV series, movie, etc., using existing characters and/or situations to develop new plots. I think this is starting to fit under that category)
I'm probably being really hard on you, but I really like this story and was excited to see what new, unique dragon types you would create. However, it seems as if you are just using (except for the moon talons, who have only been mentioned briefly so far) dragon tribes from another author. Also, the tribes characteristics are very much the same. Emerald is okay, but bright and cheerful, like Jambu or some other Rainwing. Zoltar and his tribe are very much like what the Nightwing tribe was explained as in Wings of Fire, and additionally, he lives by a volcano. Just. like. the. Nightwings. in. Wings. Of. Fire. The Search for the Ruby of Fire is starting to sound like the world of Pyrrhia in just a different era then what the Wings of Fire series was written in.
In addition to the subject of fanfic, all the more complete and important characters except for Zoltar and Hisster seem to be girls. Unless you have a reasonable explanation for this (as in the woman are the dominant sex in your world and would be in situations like going into the most dangerous part of the forest, in which case the leader of the shadow talons would probably be a girl, or Emerald is like this tomboy rebel, but then she would have to have a personality to match) I would suggest adding some more male characters.
Another thing, Zoltar stresses the importance of keeping his mission secret from the first two dragons he meets, but he tells Emerald immediately that he is looking for a stone slab.
Again, I am really sorry for giving such a mean review =(. Ive really enjoyed this work so far, and am excited to read the next chapters, but I feel that these problems have to be addressed before you write to the point of no return. If I was an editor, right now I would be sending this story back with a rejection slip and a note; "good writing voice, but please stop using Tui T Sutherland's dragons. Other suggestions inside."




felistia says...


I am a big fan of Tui T Sutherland and her amazing books. I am not planning to publish this to make money, just as an idea that I came up with and for people to enjoy reading. I really love writing, but I am probably not going to have it as a job. I will change this to a fan fiction. I am not trying to rip off Tui T Sutherland, everything that is similar to her books in here is out of respect for her. I am planning to add a male character later on in the story.



felistia says...


Maybe think of it as a spin off of that story.



FallWolf says...


Okay =)
Again, extremely sorry for my rip-off review. I'm not trying to make fun of you or anything =(. I'm actually a big fan of the WoF series as well (I own the first five and am anxiously awaiting the arrival of the next book; Escaping Peril!) so I probably came off really harsh because I am really anti-plagiarism (even to the point of sometimes not liking fanfic if it isn't unique enough) so please don't take it personally!



felistia says...


I won't copy any of her really original stuff though like the sand wings, sky wings, mud wings. I also won't copy the original ideas like the night wings having mind read powers. I have read the whole how to train your dragon series and watched the cartoons and there are ice dragons, sea dragons, black dragons and dragons that change colour. I will only use the stuff that has already been used before if that makes sense.



felistia says...


I own the whole series and am also waiting for the next book Escaping from Peril.



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Sat Nov 07, 2015 2:29 pm
HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



Hello (yet again)!
I'm just going to get right to the point here.

'“I’m Zoltar and I’m looking for a rock slab. Now get off me,” Zoltar hissed crossly.'
Was he looking for paper, or have I misread something?

'“Quick!” the wisp talon hissed, “into the trees.” She bolted past Zoltar and scrambled up the nearest tree as easily as a squirrel. As her emerald tail disappeared through the deep green leaves Zoltar anxiously looked around for a gap in the trees. He couldn’t climb and the forest was too thick for him to fly through. His mind raced, looking for a way out. There was no Scorpus to save him now and he was miles away from the clearing he had landed in a few hours ago.'
There should probably be a new paragraph after the wisp talon's dialogue.
Also, if the wisp talon had said 'quick' with an exclamation point, there should be a period after hissed. (I'm sorry if I'm making things a little complicated for you!)
Furthermore, the sentence where Zoltar was worried that he couldn't climb (sentence 4), having 'and' in: '...couldn’t climb and the forest was too...' seems a little awkward. Maybe try a semi colon in its place.

'Foot hold' is one word.

'“I am a trained warrior you know.”'
There should probably be a comma after warrior.

'Main land' is one word.



'It can’t climb, fly or swim, but we still have to go to the ground for water and certain foods we require.
This scales that camouflage gig has a price, we have to eat Claifie roots to keep our scales from turning a dull grey.'
I recognize that the next paragraph is a continuation of Emerald's dialogue. If you're going to do that, you should put another set of these (") at the start of your next paragraph, but not the end of your first.

'...centuries,” Zoltar said confused, “Why do...'
there should be a comma after 'said', and before 'confused'.

'We adapted to the change, but then four decades ago the Shang Fu moved in.'
There should be a comma after 'ago'.


Wow, this is starting to look more and more like Wings of Fire.
I'm excited to keep reading more!

-Holographic Ladybug

.P.S. I've come to notice that your chapter's in italics. Is there a reason for it?




felistia says...


No there is no reason for the italics, that was a mistake I didn't pickup on.



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Thu Nov 05, 2015 3:06 pm
Snazzy wrote a review...



Hello Felistia! :D
Good detailed chapter! I like the new dragon, Emerald, that you introduced! I hope she continues to be in your novel! Now, for the review! :D

the something


Instead of "something", you can put the 'creature', since Zoltar doesn't know what it is. (also in the other places you put 'the something', you could put 'creature'.

on him in the most in dignifying way.


I would take out the second 'in'. Also, dignified means that she sat on him 'majestically', or with a way that deserved respect. Unless this is what you mean, I would change it to a different word. ;)

realising her grip


Realising should be 'releasing', easily fixed.

sound of Zoltar heart hammering in his chest and the sound of his shaky breaths.


Since you already used sound once before, I would just say "and his shaky breaths", instead of using sound a 2nd time.

“You’re thinking about something?”


To make it sound more like a question than a statement, I would change this to - "What are you thinking about?" And then change Zoltar's response to "Nothing".

Also just a side note: The plot seems to be trailing further from the original idea of Zoltar finding the ruby to bring bag to Hisster which would ultimately save the Shadow Talons. Just a side note to make sure you're 'keeping the plot on track' as you write. ;)

Other than those things, this is fantastic! The description in this was just the right amount - you're getting really good at balancing it out! The ending is good, because it leaves the reader with a sense of suspense and mystery, as well as Zoltar! :D Great job, and keep writing!

~Snazzy
Stay awesome! ;)




felistia says...


Thank you for the review. I am a bit busy at the moment, so I will apply the changes when I get time. Thank you again for following my story.




"Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood."
— George Orwell, 1984