Hello again!
Zoltar jumped up, rubbing his jaw irritably. He looked at his attacker and gasped. It was a dragon, but her scales were rippling streams of colours. Her tail was long and whip like and her claws were hooks that could easily open a coconut in one slash.
You have this nice long description of what she looks like, but I would conclude it with something like "Zoltar recognized her as a wisp talon". You later start referring to her as a wisp dragon so I would connect that dot.
There was no Scorpus to save him now and he was miles away from the clearing he had landed in a few hours ago.
There was another dragon with him way back when (I forgot the other dragon's name) yet in times of trial or in this moment that resembles what happened before, he only thinks of Scorpus. I get that Scorpus was his friend and they were close, but the other dragon helped save him too, right?
“It is muscles,” Zoltar pouted in a dignified manner, “I am a trained warrior, you know.”
Contractions would make the dialogue sound more natural. "It's muscles" and "I'm a trained"
'He must have the rock slab,' Zoltar thought as he followed the scent into a deeper part of the jungle.
It sort of makes sense and it adds a new fun layer, but why does Zoltar assume this?
“There are a few dragons on this island that are from the mainland and they are not friendly. The latest ones have been a sea talon and ice talon,” the wisp talon explained. “But they won’t last very long. They never do.”
I'm guessing she's referring to the dragons he stayed with yesterday?
“Yes, but it hasn’t erupted in decades. Why do you think the island is so lush in vegetation? The lava from the last explosion left lots of minerals in the earth making the island fertile enough to sustain large bursts of plant life. That’s why the forest is at its thickest around this mountain, it has the most nutrients for miles around. The beast prefers to hunt in this part of the forest, where it is well hidden from its prey. We wisp talons never go into that part of the woods. We live on the slope of the mountain next to this one, so that the forest is still lush with fruit, but not a perfect hunting ground. We have to live in the trees so that the beast can’t catch us. It can’t climb, fly or swim, but we still have to go to the ground for water and certain foods we require."
"This scales that camouflage gig has a price, we have to eat Claifie roots to keep our scales from turning a dull grey. The Claifie roots only grow in this part of the forest and that explains what I am doing here. It’s my turn to gather roots this week for the village and I was busy digging up a tuber when you crept past.
All of this starts to get a bit info-dumpy for my taste. I like some of these world details and it definitely helps with my understanding, but it starts to become a little much. I think the first paragraph is good and fine, but then the stuff about the Claifie roots started to get into the territory of do we really need to know this right now? I would cut from "This scales that..." to "...what I am doing here."
Zoltar could see there was something that she wasn’t telling him.
I love secrets!!
“Yes,” she sighed, “we really want to get off the island and away from that awful beast,”
aaaand then you revealed her secret. I know it's not a huge secret, but if she's going to stick around, I think you should hold onto her secret longer to create another fun sub-plot.
Zoltar didn’t know how to respond. The news about the wisp talons decreasing in numbers was a good thing for the shadow talons. It meant that if they had to go to war with the wisp talons they would almost certainly win.
I'm curious about this dog-eat-dog mentality with the different types of dragons. Since they're all dragons, I would assume they would all like each other or get along to some degree just to preserve their species as a whole from their enemies. Yet each group seems to be against the other groups and doesn't care about hurting one group for their own gains. I get that to some degree it's every group for themselves, but when there is this big other threat, why not unite for a common good? Like here, why would the shadow talons need to go to war with the wisps? Would it be to take over their island? Couldn't they live here together? Why would he want to wipe out an entire group of dragons?
“You’re thinking about something.” Emerald said suddenly, taking Zoltar by surprise.
“I’m not,” Zoltar said quickly, unable to think of a good excuse.
“Okay then,” Emerald said, sounding unconvinced. She glanced up at the canopy.
“I have to go. Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow,” Emerald said, turning to go back into the forest.
This felt a little awkward and abrupt to me.
“Oh, I almost forgot,” she stated, pausing to look over her shoulder at Zoltar, “Don’t go out after dark,” and with a flick of her tail she disappeared into the dark green forest, leaving Zoltar to his thoughts.
I really liked this ending and her little warning to him. I feel like that's foreshadowing to some degree or that it's going to be important later
Overall, I thought this was one of your stronger chapters. I really liked Emerald. She had a lot of personality right out of the gate and I want more of that from Zoltar. He still feels a bit flat to me and I still don't feel like I really know him. Again, easier said than done, but it's important because we're hanging out with this guy quite a bit.
Let me know if you have any questions! See you soon
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