Young Writers Society

Here, again! c:

This may very well be the shortest review I've ever given you, because there's nothing to critique! I'm reading through this, doing my best to find something to nitpick - even the smallest thing - and I'm coming up with just bitty things. This was so so so good! The last bit with Sam was special, and mannn, I love that ending!

So I'm going to go through this and see what little things I can pull from it, okay?

My first and possibly only complaint is the transition between the present and the past - in the beginning, when Akia is remembering what happened before she found herself in the cell, and what Sam did to protect her. The writing inside it is fabulous - I love it. But I think you could do better with the transition of the before and after? Because it read a bit clunky to me, like you'd almost pasted it into there with a full, cohesive piece already there. Just smooth over the edges, make it seem more a memory. I admit the first time I read it, I was confused, unsure of what was happening and where she was.

I read it again, and now I think the flashback/thought itself could use a little work. It doesn't need much, I think, but it could use a bit of lengthening. It reads like you're zooming through way too fast, blurring the edges of what's happening. And that last paragraph with the end of the fight? Meh, me no like - make it longer. There's so much there you shoved into one small paragraph! I feel like I'm being cheated of a very amazing scene.

“Get us out of here. Please tell me no one followed you down here.”

They weren’t a s bright

There was a bump about the size of her two fingers put together.

We just need to…”

Hia again! Look at my streak! (Also, not reading other reviews again Dx)

I regret to inform you that this chapter was waaaaay too good for me to find broad topics, so much of this will be nit-picky (sorry).

... Akia stared out the window aimlessly.

Relief washed through her when they appeared in Vertfay. She wasn’t even bothered by the nausea or the pain in her head.

Azure pellets weren’t very common, but they had run into them as they attempted to escape from Agathi. Both she and Falyn spent days knocked out and it took a lot of energy out of them.

They should know to listento listen to her.

I’m so sorry for leaving you out there.

Hi Noelle!

It's me again here to keep on reading. I am getting through this, slowly, but steadily. I just need the time ^.^

This chapter was a bit of a difficult one for me. There were elements of it I did like and some that I didn't like quite as much. What I liked was how we got a recap of what happened to Akia, seeing as that was something we were all wondering about. I felt like she had an interesting story which needed to be told! I did want some more in terms of the recap but I am going to mention that in the review later on. I also think it is so kind of Sam to be risking his life and trying to save them even though he is injured and not entirely present. That injury must've been a pretty serious one if it is still plaguing him, and he is really strong if he is trying to fight all the way through it. I wonder what the gang are going to try and do now in order to restore order, if they can even do that. So much stuff is happening and the future doesn't look too bright for any of them!

Okay, let me try and tackle her recitation of what happened first. I feel like we got enough to understand what had happened and how she came to be here. But it seemed pretty unfeeling as I was reading it. I didn't really get any of her emotions at all and I felt like she was kind of mean to Sam as well. She does think that a bit of herself as well and wishes things could've ended a different way, but it still bothered me to be reading about it like this. I feel like we should get some of the dialogue that was said between Akia and Sam as direct dialogue. Hopefully that will manage to ease the mean image we get of here. And then again, the whole recitation which is about half of this part of the chapter, is her recitation. None of it had any dialogue, which is why I wouldn't mind adding some more in there. I wanted to know what was being said and having some more detail when it came in relation to her actions.

More to do with the reciting of her story... I felt like we definitely needed dialogue between her and Rhys. Even if you ignore everything I said to you before, this is important. Because even if she was simply punching Rhys, I feel like something would be said. Especially as I can imagine her emotions overflowing here. There is the person who was her best friend. Who stole her powers. For all she knows, has damaged her new best friend beyond repair. Rhys has taken everything from her, and I would understand if she even hates him somewhat. She would be hurling words at him just as much as she is hurling punches, and I wanted to see and feel that emotion and be immersed in the moment with Akia. As well as that, I feel like it might be the moment where Rhys realises that no matter what he does, he truly has lost Akia as a best friend forever and she will never be able to see justice in what he is doing or come to his side. He's always been trying to convince her, and possibly prove to her just as much to the others that he can do what he always said he could. That breaking in him should be just as emotional and int he face of the reader as well. So I am saying that this scene could've been a whole lot longer and embellished because I feel like we are missing something vital from this novel here.

Another thing I wanted to see was Mina and Falyn's reaction to this big bang. You do mention what Akia things and does, but I imagine that the other two would be hoping they would be rescued. And because of this, I wanted to see how the hope would transfer into them. Would they be speaking about it, or go quite and hope above hope in silence? Or maybe their reaction the noise is panic. I just wanted it to be less centered around Akia there and have all of their reactions included.

When you mention that Sam came through the door, I didn't realise you weren't referring to the cell door! You were referring to another one which comes before the cell door. That confused me for a moment when Akia later asks if he can get them out of the cell. So maybe be a bit more specific with the first door so that other readers like me won't make the same mistake when reading

Nitpick time!

which would take very strong magic since these are made of thick metal, all of these walls are protected by azure pellets.

Azure pellets weren’t very common, but they had run into them as they attempted to escape from Agathi. Both she and Falyn spent days knocked out and it took a lot of energy out of them.

Hello! So I've read parts of this before, but not quite enough to have a full grip on your characters/ settings so if I point out something you've covered before, feel free to ignore it.

Specifics

1.

While Falyn and Mina were sitting there, most likely pouting about how much Akia didn’t seem to care, Akia stared out the window aimlessly.

When morning came, he was almost back to normal. He complained less as time went on, but he still wouldn’t shut up about it.

The mistake was ruling out Rhys. Akia barely had time to propose a plan to Sam before he was on them. Rhys attacked from behind them, not even bothering with her. He threw spell after spell at Sam, ones Sam fought off with much effort.

Akia turned to glare at the girls, daring them to throw out another ridiculous idea. She knew that they knew nothing about their surroundings, or even much about Lightport, but she didn’t care. They should know to listen to listen to her.

A loud bang came from above them. Akia glanced up at the ceiling, wondering what could possibly be going on. She hoped that Rhys hadn’t found his way into the building.

The door suddenly slammed open, making all three of them jump. They each jumped up and fought to get the best view of who had come in. When Sam came into view, he looked at them all strangely.

“Can you get us out of here?” Akia asked, pointing to the lock on the door.

AdjiFlex here for a review.

I think I need to start reading these chapters in order, because it seems I'm missing out on an awesome plot here. Though I didn't read previous chapters, I had some idea what was going on. I am a huge fan of battles, so I wish the battle scenes wore more detailed, more descriptive. How do these spells look physically? What effect do the spells have on the caster? Does the magic itself has a color or something? Help my imagination out here, if you know what I mean.
I really like Akia and Sam. I can see from here they have been through a lot together, and will probably go through a lot more. The dialogue is smooth and fluid, and it's free of grammatical and syntactic blunders, so it was easy to read.
Overall, pretty good chapter.
Keep writing!

Hi! Sorry you had to wait so long for a review. Hope I can help you out here!

Now, I'm not sure if I've reviewed any parts of this story before, but I doubt it- so for all intents and purposes, please forgive me for criticisms I may have pertaining to the plot or chapters that I have not seen yet. It's not your fault, it's mine for not reading the rest!
well, here goes...
I'm not sure where Akia is. You seem to seem to be setting up a sort of introspective detour into her head at 'her thoughts were consumed only by Sam', but all of a sudden I seem to have ended up in the middle of some sort of action. I need to see more of a definite line between Akia's thoughts, and where she is. Maybe describe where she and her companions are a little more, or just enough so that I can differentiate from where her mind is wandering off to, and the concrete present. My biggest criticism is that I just don't know where your characters are. I can't see the space, and though this is partly because I haven't read the last part of your story, I also should be able to sort of....feel the space in each of your sentences. Your characters need to interact with your environment.
Overall, though, I like your writing. Your characters seem well-developed, like you're very familiar with them, and I can read Akia's character through her actions and thoughts. You have really done a good job at immersing me in this world. Good for you.
Good luck, and keep up with this story!
~Satira