Hey LadyGemstone. I saw you posted a bunch of poems in the green room and I'm warming up for revmo so...
I think part of the mission of every poet on YWS is to write at least one poem about YWS. I know in my younger days on the site I wrote quite a few of them and back in the day they used to be a more popular form of giving thanks to the writing gods. When I looked at your profile, I realized that you've actually been on YWS for a few years which tilted some of my initial thoughts about the piece.
The mixture different imagery makes it a bit hard for the reader to follow along and gain access to the meaning of the poem. One of the issues that comes with writing works about specific websites is that from the outside this would just look like complete nonsense. There is such a thing as nonsense poetry but separated from yws, this poem would just be lacking. Very specific references to very specific concepts does make it a bit hard to review this. The mention of yellow walruses did trip me up during all of my re-reads of the poem so perhaps it's just a little too abstract.
If we're assuming that all of the readers are aware of the background, let's then talk about some of the problems with the content. There are points when you try to follow a rhyme scheme and then a separation where the rhyme scheme seems to be irrelevant. This, to me, feels like something you need to decide your direction on. I think that this poem would work equally well if it stuck to a solid rhyme scheme or was entirely free verse - you just need to pick one side.
If you went with a solid rhyme scheme:
- it would make more sense as an appreciation for a writing site
- you could choose a set of words about writing
- and find creative ways to make it forced rhyming
- as well as lending to choosing a specific poetry type
If you went with a free verse scheme:
- it would give you more room to talk about review stars
- you could be looser with the word choice
- there would be no worry of forced rhyme
- and you could extend the poem further
Going even further to the more technical side - we need to talk about grammar and your physical structure of the poem.
I'm sure you know about the ways you have to format on yws to get stanzas to stick. I think having more separation between the ideas in this poem would give more weight to what you're dishing out. If the final line was separate, a few spaces down, from everything else it would majorly help the situation. When you have a line that is rather absurd it helps to give it more emphasis. This will make it stick in the reader's mind as they try to figure out exactly what you mean.
If you decide to pursue a second draft of this poem, I would like to see you being more careful about proofreading. This is an essential skill for all writers.
I think that's the summary of most of the thoughts I have on this poem. It's a good start for a better poem and if you want to workshop it some time...well you know where to find me.
Have a nice day!
- Jack
Points: 650
Reviews: 766
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