I see white space
I feel a trace of nostalgia
from a place
I've never known
*
I feel the fingers
on my skin, time is
touching me from within
and I don't know why, but
*
I look at the clouds
and I can feel it in my soul.
I was meant to fly up there,
up with all the blue serenity
*
but somehow I am
stuck down here, in all this green
gravity. I need to fly, I need to soar
but I can't seem to get off the ground.
*
my heart is light with
all the love I give away, my chest
filled to the brim with joy, but my
brain is what makes me stay.
*
heavy darkness, evil thoughts,
sadness, harshness, all that's lost, oh
what deep defiance. there is no silence,
I can't think for all my thinking!
*
oh god, I'm sinking down.
way down, way down, I can see the bottom
of the pit. it feels so close, so close... I don't
want to be there, I don't want to see there!
*
I just want to go home,
I want to live in the atmosphere!
no one telling me what to hear,
what to be.. I want to fly and be me!
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138,375 Literary Works • 672,110 Reviews
Hello, i believe this is a very beautiful poem and very realistic about humanity's desire to reach the sky even though they're stuck on the ground. I've often had many dreams about flying and i've enjoyed almost all of them. You describe human emotion very well, i gould feel the worry of being swallowed by the pot. I like the way you said blue serenity and my favourite lines are
"heavy darkness, evil thoughts,
sadness, harshness, all that's lost, oh
what deep defiance. there is no silence,
I can't think for all my thinking!"
I love how you said i can't think for all my thinking, it's ironic and well placed. You endre the poem beautifully, highlighting that desire for freedom and independence.
Hey, Gem, I really like this poem!
I can't criticise anything except the first two stanzas; in the first, the starting line is one thought and the next three lines are another. Sot it's slightly confusing and disrupts the rhythm of the poem. In the second, the ending feels a little weak.
Actually, I think this poem would be way better if there were no stanzas. It's melodic and really nice, so they actually make rather unnecessary breaks.
I also want to say that the entire idea is wonderful and extremely relatable. The urge to be free, to fly, is something we all feel. unfortunately, most of us are chained down by sadness and dark thoughts. Just a note; I love the synaesthetic feel that the line "heavy darkness" brings into the poem!
I really think you're restraining yourself with stanzas and wordcount, so explode! Let your feelings fly!
Once more, it's brilliant. Hats off to you!
- Lee
Thank you for the review @LittleLee <333 Much appreciated.
Sure thing.
Hi Ladygemstone!
I'm really liking the imagery in some of these lines. IDK why but it gives me the impression of someone having a weight tied to their leg and having that weight drag them down underwater the oppressiveness near the end starts to get to the reader. I liked the phrase green gravity and the line deep defiance there is no silence. my only thing is the punctuation I'm not a huge fan of punctuation in poetry but that's a me thing literally everybody who reviews my work says I need it but I associate punctuation with really structured writing so I don't add it. Again not so much a recommendation more of a personal preference.
Good Work!
Thank you for the review! <3 I'll be publishing more work soon.
Hey Gem! I'm here to review!
I can tell this is very personal, and my guess is it's a description of your ups and downs? You captured it perfectly and I can really feel your frustration in being pulled down by the gravity. Being able to make your reader feel something is a real talent, so good job <3
That being said, I'll move on to some technical nitpicks and stuff.
Three of these lines start with "I [verb]" and two of those verbs are "feel". I would recommend trying to switch this up a little, since I don't really feel like this repetition is being used for emphasis. For example, you could change the first half of the first stanza to:
I see white space,
Feeling a trace of nostalgia
Or something like that. But really, it's up to you, it's not that big of a deal.
I also just want to point out that the style of the poem changes a little bit as it progresses.
Take the first stanza:
and compare it to the seventh stanza:
In the first one, the lines are short, simplistic, and each one ends a thought.
In the seventh stanza, the lines are longer, and a thought flows from the end of one line to the start of the next. It's not necessarily a bad thing, I just wanted to point it out.
And last but not least, I love your metaphor of anxiety being like gravity and happiness being like flying. It's very unique and describes it so perfectly!
Anyway, overall this is a touching and beautiful piece. You're so talented <3
I hope this was helpful, if you have any questions of course feel free to ask!
Keep writing!
whatcha
I love your helpful review thank you <3